Shiver
by blahosaurus
Summary: AU The song is all around them, in them, until the sounds are so immense they can’t breathe. Every hair is raised, trembling. This is the shiver feeling. When a moment is so great it's part of everything, and yet at the same time...a mere detail.SasuNaru
1. Pro: 9 23

_**Shiver**_

Prologue: 9 23 

And the lights went _redblueredblueredblue. _

_-_

I always insisted that I must have been born surrounded by music. Maybe the doctor had been humming, or my mother's screams sounded like violins. Maybe dad's tears were crescendos and staccatos or the air had been inexplicably melodic that day. I just knew that from the first second of my life my thoughts had been triggered by the beautiful, awful gun of sound.

In my head, the memories of my childhood are in choirs and bells, suffused in a golden, pure tune that is slightly cracked and faded and repetitive as it is overused by time. The song goes like this.

When I was a kid, I was constantly exposed to music. I never really had any aspirations to learn how to play an instrument because in my childish acceptance, listening to it was enough. My mother had a beautiful, deep voice which always reminded me of the rich red of her hair. I would sit on the carpeted floor of our apartment, playing with my lego or frog-shaped toys and listen to her voice curve and twist around my senses, making me giggle and clap as she sometimes picked me up and brushed her nose with mine. When I grew slightly older I used to sing along with her, the two sounds intertwining like a river that separates and joins and separates again.

My dad had an extensive collection of records and modern CDs which were put on as often as possible, echoing the mood of the house. There was no TV, a fact which often astounded my friends, just a radio which brought news chart-hits and stories cut up and served piece-by-piece each day, like life.

Even punishments were underlined with sound. When I didn't eat my vegetables or threw a tantrum or disobeyed the rules I was lead to my room, sat on the bed, looked at in the eye. _Think about it_ my parents would always end their berating with and a soft music would be turned on. The sound of disappointment.

Even when the few times they argued, shut in their room so that their voices were like the noise from a distant war, the music was raised, covering the fight like a leper wrapped in silver, doing nothing but hide the problem. My mother would storm out of the room, her fiery temper flaring around her like an animal, grey eyes flashing until they settled on me, crying, upset on the couch. She would walk over to me, a blurred vision of affection with guilt in its eyes, whispering, _oh Naruto,_ and wrap me up in herself. Dad would come out of the room, his tall form formidable in my eyes, blue eyes scathing, dimming at the image of mum and me curled in, for once, silence as if a storm had blown past us to leave an eerie stillness. He would approach with an adult expression meaning 'I'm sorry' and they would nod and smile and hold hands and we were a family again.

-

A family made of glass, glass that _cracked and broke and shattered._

_-_

But out of all of these memories one of my favourites is what I called 'the dark room'. Be it through a friend or the radio or pure chance we used to look for and discover new bands that would be worth-while. I was so used to the routine that when I was six years old I started joining in, but never with the skill my parents held for discovery.

Out tradition, however, went far deeper than that. Sometimes, we would find a song which we called _shivers, _a song so good that it inspired, it struck us to the core. I used to think that only people with the right bone-marrow could feel the effects of that type of song, for they seem to capture you completely, burying themselves inside your veins and bones and organs until they draw a tremor down your back, making you feel until you can't feel anything else. When I grew older I began to associate the sensation with _biting _for some strange reason, as if the immensity of it could not be withheld within my body and the way to mourn the fact of it would be to destroy something, to bite down hard on it and transfer all the energy it gave me into something else.

My Dad used to say that for him it felt like sinking into a pool where the outside world is shut out through a thin film of substance that threatens to take over you if you stay inside too long.

For Mum it made her want to run. She described it as something pulsing energy into her until she had to do _something_.

These songs used to be shared in the aforementioned _dark room_. We either shut all the lights off in the living room or just the ceiling ones whilst covering the lamps with thin orange material to throw the room into a warm glow. We then curled up in the couch, DadmeMum, or spread out on the floor and put the song on and just..._listened. _The world was made of silence except for that one string of sound, made of crashing drums or trembling violins or rasping, dying voices. Sometimes it was only a _shiver_ song for some of us, sometimes just one, others all. But my treasured memories of those moments in the living room, a peace so deep it was like war had no meaning on earth, those were the gems of my infancy.

Despite this obsession with music, inherited though blood, this _addiction_, those years could have been called normal. A mother a father a child living in an apartment, going to school and having jobs and being preoccupied by the worries of a western life, like taxes and bosses and grades. And I was a normal kid, with scraped knees and practiced puppy eyes and a habit of using crayons on walls. And silence in my head.

-

Everything was screeching, the air itself screaming in my pores so I couldn't _think_, couldn't feel anything but the bone deep horror.

-

I remember it was winter because it was snowing. It wasn't like the movies or stories where white flakes flutter and flitter and fall down lazily to settle on eyelashes and noses. Instead it slushed down, blurring the darkness into itself dirtily as our car rushed through it like an umbrella through rain. Mum and Dad and I were in the car, driving back from a gig of a people-only band, meaning they substituted instruments with self-made sounds and pitches and voices that clicked and overlapped deliciously. I was dozing in the back seat, for car-rides in the dark always made me sleepy. The CD we had bought at the show was on and the strange almost comical noises accompanied me to a near-sleep as my parents talked softly. Suddenly, through my eyelids, I saw light.

Then the world ended with the following sounds.

"**MINATO**! Watch o-" a horrified shout that sounded like mum but didn't. There was a wet, _screeching_ sound followed by a trembling of air and ground. The Earth itself must have then collided with something because a humungous crash reverberated through me like an arrow in every pore. My own scream pierced the air as I was jolted forwards and stopped by my seatbelt, bruising me. Something else screamed and then a sound like a million things breaking and scattering. A conquering crack which echoed in my ears followed by a low, secret hissing. And then a horrifying, dead silence as I held my breath, not even able to think.

I opened my eyes and saw nothing.

At first I was confused and wondered if I thought I was lifting my eyelids but wasn't really. I wondered if I was dreaming. If dreaming could be this painful.

Slowly, as my eyes befriended darkness, I could see.

I was still in the car, but it wasn't going anywhere. I moved my eyes and saw that the front of the car was much nearer than it should have been and crumpled strangely like abstract art.

I looked to my parents who were leaning forwards awkwardly as if looking for something on the ground. My eyes gazed from one form to the other. They looked deformed like monsters in the shadows as they went; _silencesilencesilence. _

I unbuckled myself with little, trembling, 7-year-old fingers and searched around with big, 7-year-old-eyes.

"Mum? Dad?" I croaked. It was hard and painful to talk as if I had been singing for hours and hours and hours.

"Mum? Dad?" but they said nothing. They didn't rustle, they didn't move. And then I noticed that I was the only thing that was making sounds. I was breathing and sobbing and moving and _I was the only one in the whole world making noise. _

"Mum?

Dad?"

I shifted towards them where they were leaning forwards, _looking for something_, and gasped and cried out, whimpering in pain as inside me something _hurt_.

I forced myself in the middle of the two seats and looked at my parents. I stopped breathing.

Their heads were like the shells of boiled eggs which haven't been cracked properly. Their foreheads were mangled and caved in and were leaking something down their face, thick and slowly. Mum's neck was cracked to one side so that she was facing Dad slightly, facing me. I opened my mouth by nothing came out. There was _nothing._

They were both sightlessly facing the floor. Looking for something.

My mouth stayed open and I didn't breathe. I sat there, still and dead, for an eternity. Not breathing, because nothing was making a sound. There was just absence like holes in space.

I looked at my parents and the monsters went _silencesilencesilence._

The only thing I could see was the broken electronic watch on the crumpled front of the car, stilling time as, for hours and days and lifetimes, it went

_9:23_

_9:23_

_9:23._

I didn't notice that snow was falling inside the car until things around me started lighting up, _blueredblueredblue._ Shadows and forms started running towards us, pointing and waving and opening and closing their mouths that were filled with snow, but no sound was coming out. I realised it was people and I wondered faintly what they were doing. They looked scared or worried as they pointed at me, at us and their mouths kept changing shape with no purpose. I watched the snow slur down and realised it was hitting mum and dad and me.

They were so very cold.

The scene changed suddenly as someone grabbed my shoulder and removed me from my parents. I was suddenly very, very afraid because I didn't know what was going on and my parents were disappearing until I couldn't see them at all.

Then sound came back.

Something was blaring to the beat of the changing colours as they jumped off the scattered glass, _redbluered. _People were shouting and talking and someone was saying _Calm down, it's gonna be ok_. Out of my mouth a person was screaming and screaming and screaming and there was a shrieking in the air, as if it were _wailing_, the screeches of out-of-tune violins and crashing symbols inside my head. The world was breaking and still someone was saying,

_Itsgonnabeok. _

"Mum? Dad?"

There was music in my ears that came from no one, from some void created by us and the car and the snow and the concrete wall we had crashed against.

I looked around, frantic as the world slowed down sluggishly like the snow that spat down and a voice inside my head, cutting through the noise, sang in my mother's voice.

_Woke up and for the first time, the animals were gone. _

_**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**_

_**A/N**_

**Disclaimer for whole story: **If it were mine Itachi would be going :D in a very tight straitjacket. O.o

_The last line is from the song The Animals Were Gone, Damien Rice. _

Every chapter in this story will have music. It has an actual plot and will be relatively heavy in the narusasu but my first idea for this story was to write something that wasn't a band-fic but still centred around music. **At the start of every chapter I will put up a chronological list of the songs that will come up in that chapter so you can download, find or youtube them** beforehand because I highly recommend having them ready and listening to them at the right moment. You will be missing out greatly, missing the whole point, really, if you don't immerse yourself in music whilst reading this. :3

I have the next few chapters already written up. It takes me ages to write _Shiver_ because of the 'finding the right song' bit, but that's remedied if I feel eager to write so honestly I'll just update as I see sensible, depending on your reaction to the story (winkwink hinthint). But I'll be uploading at least once a week, I aim, unless something horrible like me dying or, even worse, me going deaf, happens.

_Enjoy. _


	2. 1: Fish in a bowl

_Cruel Summer- Bananarama_

_Gravity of Love- Enigma_

_How to fight loneliness- Wilco_

_Wish you were here- Pink Floyd_

_**Shiver**_

Fish in a Bowl

"I'm always careful, you old pervert."

"I really wish you would stop calling me that in public, brat."

"Yeah, well, I wish you hadn't chosen me to dress up as a girl that time in the role play, and then flirted with me when you didn't recognise me."

"Hey, it's not my fault you look like a chick when you put a skirt on, shorty."

"Piss off. I'm not the one who looks like a drooling dumbass every time a skirt's in sight. You would get a sex change just to fondle breasts when you want to."

"Ha, at least I _get_ to fondle breasts,"

"What the hell are you two talking about?"

It was the last day in the summer holidays and the air was heavy and hot, wavering on the street as if the paint were melting off the world. The sweet scent of dying plants and acrid smell of fuel mixed together like a duet in the air. I tried to imagine the day's soundtrack and it came out in slow strings interwoven with cheerful bells and airy flutes to represent the sunshine being caught by my eyelashes to ring my sight in rainbows, light jumping of the flashing hoods of cars and making everything brighter.

I jumped to look at Tsunade as she suddenly appeared beside Jiraiya and me from where we had been waiting for her. She was tall and curvy and had the biggest breasts I had ever seen, cleavage on display as she wore a low-cut, summery top and some loose three-quarter lengths. Her long, soft blond hair was caught loosely in two pony-tails which made her look younger but not childish as her narrowed, Asiatic looking eyes glared at us. I had met her two months ago, introduced through Jiraiya, who had been the one to decide my move to the bolstering city of Konoha.

"Don't look so worried Tsunade, no one was talking about you XXL melons," Jiraiya leered, being as vulgar as he possibly could. Tsunade's eyes were hazel slits as she hit Jiraiya over the head, his white hair that stuck out extraordinarily from the back of his head and then hung down his back flying forwards by the force of it. As he closed his eyes the two red lines scratched down from them across his cheeks looked like scars or tears.

"Ouch! Take a joke," the old man whined. Looking at him, with his face already starting to wrinkle and weathered eyes, I guessed Jiraiya must have been in his early 50s even though he acted like a horny teenager much of the time, despite being captain of the police force. I sighed at the two adults as they bickered.

Jiraiya had been something of a mentor for the last two years of my life. He was the head of the police in my old town and had, for some reason, made himself responsible for my well-being after the incident that had taken place a pair of years ago.

-

Red hair red eyes red skin red teeth red words.

-

Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my dad had also been a police captain, back when he was alive.

Now that I was 16 he had decided it was time he sent me to Tsunade's school. I had gotten the impression that they were old friends, almost family, but the first meeting with Tsunade had hinted at something more. Something in the softening of their expressions, in their easy nature for each other as if they could do nothing the other wouldn't forgive.

Jiraiya had taken me to her home, a pleasant apartment near the school, in a nice area of Konoha where graffiti was in danger of extinction and trees abound. I hadn't been exactly nervous, used to having people assimilate and judge me after orphanages and foster homes and those few red years of my life my mind skated around, so I was surprised when Jiraiya had parked the car and told me to wait.

"It'll be ok, brat. Don't get worked up, Tsunade is strict as she is fair," he had said. I had shrugged, looking at the neighbourhood through the window.

"I know," I had responded casually, pulling at my sleeveless orange T-shirt to settle it in place and had been surprised to see Jiraiya still looking at me not with his usual comic, guarded look in his eye but with concern.

"Don't lie to me, brat," he had growled. I was taken aback, startled by the conviction that I wasn't ok when I had felt fine.

"What are you talking about? I'm not lying, I'm fine," I had insisted, smiling at him in assurance. He hadn't been impressed.

"Whatever you say, Naruto. But I know when you're upset. You do that weird thing under your breath. But if you don't want to talk- lets go," And his door had been pushed open, letting a wash of hot air enter the air-conditioned car. I sat there, stunned. I hadn't even noticed I had slipped into the nervous habit of singing under my breath which, if you didn't know me, sounded more like whispers and whines.

But it had been true. Deep down, I had truly wanted the set-up in Konoha to work. I was running away, taking a chance, leaving my home behind for a city I had abandoned four years ago, where Jiraiya would not be present to protect me. If it ended up being for nothing; if I simply found that the new school was filled with the same type of people under the influence of the adults weary of my past, then I didn't know what I would do. There were only so many corners in the world I could tuck myself into.

But it had turned out alright. Something in me had obviously struck Tsunade as true, for her attitude, so rough around the edges, had gradually calmed towards me until she seemed to regard me with some kind of affection. I suspected she knew all about my past, which was partly a comfort as long as she didn't expect it to be open for discussion.

"Are we going to eat or what?" I whined at the two adults. Who looked at me and rolled their eyes.

"What's with the brat? He seems moody," Tsunade asked as we crossed the street to walk towards the cafe Tsunade hadn't known how to find.

"He's nervous about tomorrow," Jiraiya snorted, settling his sunglasses on the bridge of his nose. I glared at both of them.

"I'm not nervous. I'm fine," I retorted. If it were up to Jiraiya I would be a depressed neurotic, it seemed.

"So you say, kid."

The streets were filled with the noises of people blabbering past. Their footsteps were the roll of drums, a constant background to the storm of summer as a couple of vendors which could stand the sunshine shouted out praise to their stock. I had spent most of the summer looking around the city I now belonged to in order to familiarise myself once again with my new surroundings before school started, so I knew where we were. I had left Konoha when I was 12 years old, having previously lived there with my parents before their death, the deepest scar in my mind, and then in the local orphanage. I had thrown myself at the re-discovery of the place and seen it was varied in culture and financial status like any other city. There were a couple of theatres and museums, mostly off to one side. The school had a really nice cafe, and a park nearby with a mall not too far off. There was a plaza 20 minutes walk away from my apartment which I had come to live with quirky cafes and shops as well as one of those fountains people throw pennies in to make wishes. The first day I went there I threw a two-penny coin in and tried to make a wish. But when I tried to blank my mind in order for it to come out, a string of music had infiltrated instead, preventing thought. I had found the experience strange, as if something that ought to have been in my control wasn't. I hadn't tried to do it since.

The door opening caused a little bell to ring as we finally escaped the heat's attack. One summer in Konoha and the freckles on my shoulders and nose had sprung to life against my tanned skin.

"This one of your choices, Jiraiya?" Tsunade asked, looking around the place, which was playing some 60s tune as background music. It was old-fashioned and slightly worn looking, though clean, with booths and bar-stools and a typical menu filled with fast-foods made with real ingredients instead of canned ones.

"No, actually, Naruto discovered it. Can't keep the kid still for a second," Jiraiya responded, interrupted as a good-looking woman passed by. "I like it."

Tsunade scowled. I sighed.

"Pervert."

Jiraiya shrugged as we slid into the booth. I settled on the opposite side of the adults, wanting the space. I grinned at the two of them as I looked up from the menu I had been checking out, fully expecting them to pay. Tsunade cut Jiraiya a look.

"You better have brought your wallet this time," she glared. Jiraiya sighed.

"I only forgot it once..."

After ordering lunch, Jiraiya unabashedly staring at the woman's 'melons' throughout the conversation until Tsunade kicked him under the table, Tsunade started explaining a few things about what was going to happen the next day at school. She confirmed my knowledge of how to get there since I had turned down her offer of driving me there. I actually liked the process of getting to school; Minutes of respite when I could think and listen to some music without question or interruption.

"And you still have your sheet with your locker number and your timetable right?" the headmistress asked for the zillionth time. I rolled my eyes and assented, digging into my hamburger and fries. I knew the only thing I needed to do first thing in the morning was go to the office where I would meet someone to show me around. Then I would have to fight the sole battle of high school.

In one of the speakers an upbeat song played.

_Strange voices are saying (what did they say?) _

"You listening, Naruto?"

_It's a cruel, cruel summer. _

"Yep. And yes, I know where the office is. I'll be fine, it's not the first time I've done this. Is it, pervy?" I turned to Jiraiya. His eyes rolled against my wide smile.

"Unfortunately," and his expression was guarded and loose.

O

I was back in the heat of the day, having left Tsunade and Jiraiya to discuss their own personal matters. We had parted with both of them once again instructing me to be careful. I'd grinned at them, said, _when am I not careful?_ Though maybe all those times showed in my eyes because they both looked sceptical.

I had decided to walk all the way home, wearing out my chunky black trainers even further. I had opted for some shorts and wore a cap on my head so I didn't overheat on my way back. The sun had gone down slightly, and the breeze alleviated the atmosphere from suffocation as the temperature dropped. The summer had improved since September was introduced to the calendar.

The truth was I was a little apprehensive about the next day. Not enough to bring me down, for I was always eager to meet new people and experience new things. But sometimes I got...tired. I looked back at my past and it seemed as if I had been moving down step by step instead of going forward.

I waited as a couple of cars passed before I crossed the street into my neighbourhood, looking at the people behind the wheel like I so liked doing.

_Vroom_ a concentrated granny. _Vroom_ a fat man with giant sunglasses. _Vroom_ a lady with one hand on her steering wheel and the other picking her teeth.

The apartment I was staying in was on a worse side of Konoha, though not a terrible one. There were large green bins outside each crowded apartment where we were supposed to leave the bags of trash though some overflowed to the ground. There were a few, spaced-out trees trying to alleviate the depressing state of the place, though their scratched and even painted-on trunks failed to serve their purpose. I, however, still admired the splashes of colour between the bland bricks and mortar. I looked away from the trees and around. There was a large lady jogging on the opposite sidewalk. Her skin was covered in sweat and flushed a violent red. I watched as her legs made everything go up and down and up and down, wobbling incredibly, and there were drums playing to the rhythm of her feet,

_Bom Bom Bom Bom Bom Bom-_

"Oi Naruto! What are you, deaf?" I heard someone call and I turned sharply, coming to a surprised halt.

I looked at the girl that had called to me. She looked to be around her twenties, dirty blond hair caught up in four bunches at the back of her head to keep it from her face. She was slim and tall, chin like the bottom of a heart as she looked at me with her dark blue eyes.

"Hey, Temari. Sorry, must of spaced out," I shrugged, grinning, a hand to the back of my neck. I had met her a couple of days after arriving to Konoha since she lived a few apartments away from me and was the sister of an odd, quiet boy I had befriended. Temari rolled her eyes as she drawled a _right_, hand snapping backwards and forwards as she aired herself with a fan, making the bangs of hair at the side of her face dance.

"Whatever," she said offhandedly. "I just wanted you to know that I saw Gaara looking through some old CDs, and I know you two were talking about music the other day so maybe you want to come in and check what he's found out," she suggested in a tone which hinted that she didn't care either way, though I knew better. Kankuro, the third and final sibling, and Temari couldn't have been more protective of their little brother in their own way. I had actually met Gaara in the plaza I liked so much, sitting on one side of a round, stone bench that held a large tree in the middle, huddled in its shade with a sketchbook across his crossed legs. One thing I dedicate myself to doing when I meet a new place is picking out interesting faces and placing instruments to their mood or characteristics. Gaara had stood out at once with his spiky red hair and maroon and black clothes, even in the heat. He didn't seem to be sweating or flushed or even tanned. He was like a painting himself.

I approached him and sat carefully beside him, not even triggering a flinch or raising of eyes. I stayed quiet a few minutes, observing him and my surroundings. I then peeked at what he was drawing, edging closer in my constant curiosity. It was the Victorian-looking outside of one of the shops warped by his imagination. The building stood alone, abandoned and weathered by scratches of the coloured pencil. Around it stood what looked like dessert scenery, coloured briefly in a dull orange that opposed the sun's intensity. In front of the building marched a line of dark-skinned women with large, curved jars like giant peanuts on their heads or shoulders. One of them was carrying a white flag, as if in surrender. The drawing struck me, almost finished except for the details in the housing he was adding then. It was complete and utter defeat.

I decided on guitars on his personality. Slow, threatening to become electric at any moment by the look of fierce concentration in his downturned expression. But then, inspired by the drawing I added a low ivory horn in the background with the soft beat of an armpit drum adding life to the show.

"Do you want something?" he asked suddenly and I jerked back guiltily, laughing nervously at his hard expression. I saw that he had a tattoo with some kind of symbol on his forehead and eyes rimmed in thick eyeliner. As soon as my eyes met his vibrant green ones the guitars disappeared, a cello springing to mind, the saddest, in my opinion, of instruments as it wailed slowly. I felt the same way looking into them as I did his picture.

"Can I see the rest of your pictures?" I asked, smiling at him. He looked faintly surprised at my question.

"No," he replied simply, with no menace. I shrugged.

"Can I at least watch you draw?" I persisted. He looked at me for a moment before turning back to his picture.

"Do what you like."

From that consent forwards I had proceeded to bother Gaara as much as I could throughout my brief stay in Konoha, especially once I realised we were neighbours. Even though he could have come off as cold and aloof in our first meeting, he never denied me access to his house. I had learned a long time ago that simply because someone is quiet it does not mean they are shy or detached, but maybe simply reserved. Tired.

Gaara, I had discovered, lived only with his siblings which looked nothing alike between them, making me wonder if they had the same father or not. They never mentioned any parental influence at all, for that matter, and I didn't ask.

"He ask me to come over?" I grinned. Temari smirked.

"Yeah right, you know how he's like," she retorted and turned away from me and into the entrance of the apartment. I jogged after her, catching the door before it fell shut and following her up the narrow stairs to fourth and top floor.

"Gaara! Naruto's here!" Temari bellowed in her perpetual unlady-like fashion and motioned me to go into his room as we stood in the living room, filled with two dark green sofas, a low coffee table and an old looking TV. I left my shoes by the door and went briefly into the bathroom to wash my feet as they stank of sweat. I had become used and comfortable in their home and knew that if nothing else I would have friends there, giving me hope for the future of my stay in Konoha.

"Yo, Gaara," I greeted as I closed the door to his room behind me, like he liked it. I was always caught between whistling the cheesy theme-song of western movies or whipping out a lute and sanza and start playing a native-african song because of the way the room was decorated.

Sunlight burst through the open window, coating all object with its vibrancy. It swept against the posers of deserts and dunes on the wall, bouncing off the wooden figurines that stood like silhouettes of people in the distance. The sheets on his bed were maroon, his curtains black, co-ordinating with a lot of his clothes. Jars of sand in different shades and shapes were scattered across the room, self-made. It all symphonised together to create an arid image.

"Naruto," he acknowledged, looking up from his computer. I threw myself on his bed, head in my hands.

"Temari said you had some music for me," I said. He assented, clicking something in the computer as I watched the back of his head.

"I have it here. I found some enigma, you said you wanted to listen to it. This is probably their most famous song, Gravity of Love." I was going to ask is it was his favourite but fell quiet as it started, an odd, echoing sounds like the slow pumping of a heart. I listen to the sound of the song, the heavy drums as the singer suggested,

_Follow the trace for a new start _

and then the woman reached out with her voice, a burst of rich noise, making me soar with her.

_The experience of survival is the key..._

as a low choir, reminiscent of a church one, echoed her voice. I listened to the ups and falls of the song as it ranged from whispers to explosions of sound until, with a final beat, the song stopped.

Gaara was looking at me as I opened my eyes, his looking dramatic under the frame of black.

"I love her voice," I said, smiling lazily, feeling content after the sound of it. Something was stirring inside me, the pleasure of having found a new noise.

"Let me play you something else. The lyrics may mean something to you," he said, his voice far more serious.

He cli-clicked at something with his mouse and a passive guitar started in a repetitive tune, nothing out of the ordinary, until a male voice rung out, tired, a little rough around the edges as it played with the beat.

_How to fight loneliness_

_Smile all the time_

He sung. I looked at Gaara and he looked back. Throughout our two months I had tried almost unconsciously to egg him out of the shell he had created, as if he had captured the sand in his posters and made a fort around his mind. And maybe, at the same time, he was doing the same.

_Drag your blanket blindly _

_Fill your heart with smoke_

His eyes were greengreengreen and almost asking me questions in that piercing way he held.

_And the first thing that you want_

_Is the last thing you'll ever need_

I propped myself upwards so that I was directly facing Gaara who had swivelled around in his wheeled chair.

_Just smile all the time_

_Just smile all the time_

The music faded out of the room as if sucked away by the sunshine and slowly I smiled.

"You think if I wasn't alone I would smile less? That's a bit of an oxymoron," I said casually. I didn't know what I was feeling. Slightly unsettled because it was partly true. I had been alone since I was seven, when my parents died, but as time passed I managed to dilute the sting of it with other truths, with other comforts, determined not to turn bitter with the taste of nostalgia and neglect. I was under the care of Jiraiya, and now Tsunade. I had found a friend in Gaara and his small family. That was enough for the moment. The want of a parent, or to have someone home with me, would never disappear, but that didn't mean I had to feed the feeling constantly. I had acknowledged it, letting it become part of me and yet not dependant on it.

"Maybe not. But wouldn't you smile for different reasons?" he asked in his deep voice that could lull me to sleep if it wanted.

"Maybe, but would it matter?" I shot back. Gaara looked at me silently."We're a lot alike, you know," I said and he leaned back.

"Yes."

My smile widened.

In that moment I remembered, and probably would for the rest of my life, the day a little like that when something inside me seemed to confirm itself. I was 9, in a bus filled with orphans like a plate of mourning candles set to drift at sea stringlessly. It was night time and darkness rushed past the window as we drove back to the orphanage from a rare weekend out at the beach. Everybody was quiet, childish bodies leaning against each other in their seats, exhausted by the experience of freedom. From the radio played a song that seemed to have been made for the moment as it fulfilled it for me. There was a minimal use of instruments, just a quivering violin in the lowest octave and a strumming guitar like an after-thought as the sad voice sang through the confines of the rumbling bus. I learned my forehead against the cool glass, making it tremble against it as I closed my eyes and felt the moment as if I were evaporating into the air, into the sound, becoming such a part of it that I had no real identity, I was nothing but what I wanted to be, and I had thought,

_This is me. Right here, right now...this is me. _

OoO

I finally trudged up to my apartment after having dinner with Gaara et al. around sunset. My arrangement was shabbier and smaller than Gaara's, the front entrance leading to a living room with a sofa, a low table and a TV, attached to a kitchen with a counter, two stoves, a fridge and a sink. A small bathroom was on the opposite side, beside my bedroom where I headed to after locking the door and throwing the keys on the low table. I put some loud music on to rid of the stillness and took a shower, preparing myself for bed as I went around the house collecting the things I needed for school. A few years ago that was the routine I would have followed in the morning, making me late, but the last few years had forced me to become self-dependant on some measure of organisation, however limited it could be with my carelessness in play.

By the time I had prepared everything and dawdled distractedly for half the time it was late enough to go to bed. I hesitated, however, making sure everything was in place. I looked around my room, which looked as if it had been lived in for far more than a pair of months. I had been desperate to make my house a home as soon as possible and scattered my trinkets around the surfaces, letting myself doodle on the desk and stick free posters of bands and ramen on the walls along with my photographs. One was of Jiraiya and me, on one of the shelves. In the living room was one of my parents when they were younger, dressed for a costume-party as ninjas and posing comically together through smiles pulled at their mouths slightly. There were others of them in different stages around the house, some with me with one or both of them, or of the children in the orphanage I had been sad to leave behind. On my bedside table was my favourite, beside a little figurine of a lucky Japanese cat, one paw raised, that had belonged to my mother. It wasn't a posing picture; somebody at a barbeque had took it and later given it to us. It was of some summer when I was 6. My parents were jokingly fighting over a walkman on both sides of me whilst I held an earphone experimentally to one ear, an amazed look on my face.

Since my parents had died music had adapted a bittersweet quality that would never wear off. Every good song was masochism and relief, a memory of them. They created an overwhelming feeling I grew addicted to, for it never lost its edge. Years later, every time I found a shiver song I locked myself in a room and played it to myself until I could feel their breath in the drowning notes. Every night, every single night I would close my eyes and try to recall my mother's singing. And every night, every, single, night, I would forget a little more, become a fraction more afraid of erasing the sound from anybody's recollection. If I forgot those notes, then it would cease to exist completely.

I leaned out of the apartment window, crawling out of it to settle on the fire escape. The air was fresh and cool, stars invisible against the hard competition of light pollution. I remembered my first day back in Konoha. I had been filled with a scathing sort of nostalgia as I overlooked the city of my childhood. My past. I remembered sitting on that same fire escape, listening to music I had heard all my life in a place I no longer recognised. The two worlds joined to form the present.

I clicked on Pink Floyd, letting the guitar lull and control the breeze around me. I looked at the distant lights of the city, scattered carelessly like fake diamonds.

_So. So you think you can tell, heaven from hell? _

The rasping male voice asked me.

_Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?  
A smile from a veil?_

I thought of Gaara and smiled softly. I was lucky to have met him. Someone who was not made of the artificial McDonalds' world with their McDoctors and their McFears I seemed to be trapped in most of the time, where my past was worth more than my present._  
Do you think you can tell?  
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts? _

I sucked a breath in from the old, worn pain._  
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war, for a lead role in a cage?_

I sighed softly, drawing strength from my lack of doubts, I trusted Jiraiya. If under Tsunade's care I was supposed to be safe, if in her school I would make it, then it would be ok.

It would be ok. It had to be. _  
How I wish, how I wish you were here._

My eyes closed against the city but I was surrounded by the song as if it had always been part of me, my breath, my lungs, my blood._  
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,  
Running over the same old ground.  
What have you found? The same old fears._

My insides clenched and for a second something went _redblueredblu-  
Wish you were here..._

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

**A/N**

Whoop, first chapter, how exciting. :D It's so sunny out today that I felt like posting this summer-chapter.

I actually pulled an all-nighter writing the prologue, this and the second chapter. I sat down at 12 and couldn't stop writing. I wrote, spending more time on looking for songs than anything, and then at seven closed Word, took a shower, had breakfast, walked the dog and went to school.

I was very, very tired. So please do review TT

Well, first day of school next chapter. Tell me whatcha think :D


	3. 2: I knew I wasn't going to like you

_Jesus Christ- Brand New_

_Are you gonna be my girl- JET_

_**Shiver**_

**Two: **I knew I wasn't going to like you

Konoha high differed greatly from my last school. It didn't remind me of a hospital or a prison or a mixture of both; an asylum. It wasn't cramped and sweaty and derelict. Instead it spanned over a sort of small campus with the cafeteria and gym in the middle, giving the impression of openness and freedom, with courts behind that, surrounded by old looking buildings which had served as accommodation for nuns in the past. One of the buildings contained the artistic subjects, another the three sciences, the third maths and English literature with the final being foreign languages, which was where the 6th form common room was. I later saw the latter was a large room with various low tables surrounded by rather large plastic chairs. Playing stations such as a gamecube and a pin-ball machine, a stereo as well as a vending machine were scattered around the room. The space and privileges were exclusive to the 6th Form; the last two years of school. I belonged to the penultimate one and so was happy to know that I had access to it, as well as the small study-room and locker room attached, available to me in every break of free lesson to either study or chill.

I entered the school, following Tsunade's instruction past the almost empty hallways due to my earliness. The few people who were milling about looked at me curiously as I hummed softly in order to relax myself. The halls had clean smooth floors and walls that were filled with doors leading to classrooms. Where there weren't doors there were pictures or posters or notices. I felt a little lost in the _niceness_ of it all. It was as if Tsunade had read up on what schools should be like and followed it word-for-word.

I finally reached a wooden door that said _Registration Office_ and entered.

A young woman with short black hair behind a desk lifted her head and smiled.

"You must be Naruto," she said and I grinned, glad that I wouldn't have to wait around filling papers to prove who I was or what I was doing there. "I'm Anko."

"Yep! Nice to meet you, Anko!" I said, hitching my big, orange backpack up only to let it drop again against the small of my back.

"You too, Naruto. I'm glad you're early, that way Sakura can get you settled without making you late for your introduction session," she replied and it was then, as the name was mentioned, when something clicked.

"Sakura! The new student is here!" she then called backwards to where the office stretched to another room.

"Ok!" I heard from inside and I shifted my weight in expectation. The sound of a cabinet closing was heard and then a girl of my age stepped out, making my smile widen at the sight. She was the same Sakura I had known four years ago. Her hair used to be strawberry blond but she had obviously heightened the pink for it was almost a bubblegum colour, cropped to shoulder length and drawn back from her large forehead with a black band. She halted as she saw me and then her own face split in a smile, light green eyes flashing with recognition.

"Naruto! I knew it was you, no one else would have that name!" she greeted, exiting the confines of the large desk and moving towards me. I laughed and pulled her into a hug.

We hadn't been terribly close friends in primary, but it had been near enough. Our class had been divided into groups and she had been in mine so that even if she had kept herself distanced like everybody else she had still talked and played with me. I searched memories of her and found a pretty little girl that had forsaken me most of the time, no different than anybody else except in my view of her, blinded by childish love.

But she seemed to have changed stupendously. Not only in her matured body but in her vibrancy and kindness as we moved through the buildings, asking me about my life in-between explanations. I laughed most of them off with some anecdote or joke, pushing the subject of discussion to her life.

"Oh, nothing really. Just here, pretty boring I guess. I'm Deputy Head Girl, which is why I'm the one showing you around though I wanted to volunteer since I heard your name." She smiled. I grinned back.

"Glad you're my mentor then."

The School was swarming with people in pairs or groups, milling about as they squealed over new looks and stories as friends met up after a summer away. Girls were hugging and complimenting while the boys generally grunted or nudged each other.

"I'm sure you know but the first day we don't really have lessons. First thing we'll collect in the auditorium and they'll announce what groups we're in and stuff," Sakura went on as we squeezed past people in the hallway. I looked around all the people in nice clothes and morocco braids and old-friends. I felt like I was a piece of a puzzle set down in the wrong box but didn't grow anxious at the feeling. A thrumming of exhilaration at the new world I found myself in.

"Oh yeah that group thing. A little weird isn't it?" I asked. Sakura smiled, shrugging.

"It's supposed to be some old tradition from when the ninjas ruled Konoha. Being put in teams of three is supposed to balance you. The good thing at least is that almost everybody ends up being close friends with their team which means that even if someone is new like you they won't be cast out. Not that that happens anyways but- you know," she smiled sheepishly. I chuckled, nodding.

"Let's hope so, eh?"

I was just stuffing my bag with great difficulty in my locker when the bell rang. All the other 6th formers where either in the locker room with me, in the common room or late as they all began to move out in a large mass as a teacher started directing them loudly.

"Ok, let's go to the auditorium," Sakura said, motioning to me. I looked at her, surprised.

"Aren't you going to go with your friends? You showed me where it is so-"

"Don't worry about it," she laughed, cutting me off. "I saw most of them yesterday and anyway, you're my responsibility for the rest of the day until your own group takes charge of showing you around. And we have years to catch up on, don't we?" she finished with a calm smile as we walked towards our destination. I grinned, shrugging happily at her attitude. It seemed she had gotten prettier and nicer with the years.

People around us were still taking notice of me, pointing and shrugging and shaking their heads in what I guessed was a declaration of the lack of knowledge they held about me. A lot of the people greeted or chit-chatted with Sakura briefly as we swirled onwards like a demented marching band towards the gym, one two one twonetone.

"Through here, quiet down, go to the front, don't sit at the back. Fill up the seats," a boy with long, thin brown hair was saying, directing the mass through an open double-door.

"That's Neji, he's a prefect. You can apply to be one on the last year of school if you want," Sakura explained, pointing to the guy I had been looking at.

"Don't think that's the job for me," I laughed. Sakura shrugged, smiling, finally filing into the auditorium where we took our seats at the packed front. I was beside a chunky, friendly looking boy who smiled at me and greeted Sakura. The room was wide with a high ceiling, filled with dull red seats in rising order so that the stage was at the bottom of them like in a theatre. I imagined a person sitting in each seat and crashing a symbol at the same time, and how much noise they would make. Then I thought about crickets and questioned if their sound would crawl into me with their little legs and fill me until I burst.

"Settle down, settle down!" a man was saying, ripping me away from my musings. I looked at the source of the voice and saw it was a tanned, fairly young looking man with kind features ruined by a long, thick scar across the base of his nose and extending to his cheeks horizontally. I wondered how he had attained such an injury.

"That's Iruka," Sakura whispered as the teenagers around us fell silent with a few giggles and murmurs.

"Thank you. Now, welcome to the new school year everybody!" he greeted from the front. Some people muttered sarcastically whilst someone else whooted loudly, causing laughter to bloom and with a look from the man at the microphone everything fell silent again. I hummed quietly for a few seconds before Sakura glanced at me.

"Thank you for that, Kiba. Now..." and the man went on to talk about how we were in A level now, the rules and regulations and opportunities like competitions and Young Enterprise and other stuff I wasn't going to enter. I had never been the academic type. I was an average student, didn't excel in anything except music and that was because it was the only subject I was interested enough in to put in the necessary work.

"Any questions?" Iruka said finally.

"Yeah, when the fuck is this gonna end?" a guy to the right of Sakura grumbled lowly. I threw him a look and saw he was skinny and almost petit with straight hair cut choppily to his shoulders of a strange light-blue colour.

"Now, what you're all probably eager to hear, I'm going to announce your three-person teams which will last you the next two years. All year-involving projects will require you to work with your teams. No, you can't choose your own. No, you can't swap partners except in very special circumstances. If you don't like the people on your group then you will learn the purpose of this system: to learn how to get along with people you don't choose. To learn the meaning of teamwork. And try to keep commentary to the minimum please," he sighed. He had obviously been through this process many times before.

"Right, ok, for the first year your team will be assigned a number. Don't forget it.

"Team one..." name after faceless name was listed off without surname, most followed by a strained silence whilst other people groaned or yelped happily as a reaction. I listened for my name and hoped they hadn't left me out because I was new, though I doubted Tsunade would have let that happen.

"Team 6; Karin, Suigetsu and Jugo with Orochimaru."

"Oh shit no, I'm not teaming up with that slut. And who the fuck is Jugo?" the blue-haired boy from before said loudly. I concluded his name was Suigetsu through process of elimination. Most of the year turned to look at him, some laughing, others frowning, before our eyes were drawn to who I guessed was Karin; a slim girl with a piercing in her bottom lip and red, thick-rimmed, rectangular glasses that looked good in contrast with her dark long hair.

"Shut up you freak. At least I don't file my teeth into points so to be kinky when giving out blow-"

"That's enough!" Iruka bellowed. I almost jumped at the suddenness of the noise. The image of a pure, untroubled school I had had was quickly disappearing.

"I said I wanted no commentary. You will work with the partners chosen for you. Suigetsu, Karin, stay behind after the talk. And if you say another world you'll earn yourselves the first detentions of the year," he growled. As nice as he seemed, the guy could sure pull off the pissed off look.

"Whatever," I heard Suigetsu grumble. Beside me Sakura rolled her eyes at him.

"Now. Team Seven; Naruto," I sat up straight, "Sakura," we looked at each other, grinning, "and Sasuke, you're all with Kakashi."

My expression froze. Sakura's eyes widened and she blushed.

"Sasuke? Sasuke Uchiha?" I hissed at her. She smiled dazedly and nodded as some girl one row back said _Shit!_. My mouth fell open.

No.

Way.

I faced forwards again, mind racing. I didn't know what to feel. Sasuke had been the closest thing I had had to a friend when I was in Konoha's primary school, but in a completely unconventional way. We would fight constantly as I defied the cold exterior he had attained at such an early age. It's sad how cruel children can be and I was full evidence of how victimised they can make a person feel, but Sasuke had been something else. Everybody in my primary school had seemed to have a common reason to reject me, as if somebody had pulled them away and warned them of me, of who I was related to, of the way I lived. But Sasuke Uchiha had seemed to find a whole other reason to dislike me and that had been refreshing as much as it was depressing. But I had bonded with the boy quickly. Maybe it had been because we had both lost our parents, maybe because we would never give up. But the day I left Konoha it was him that I had been thinking of.

The talk finally ended at Team 10 with me deep in thought about Sasuke, meaning there must have been 30 people in my year.

"Now if you can all go out one row at a time to M6 where you will be directed to a classroom to meet you mentor, please do so quietly. Suigetsu, Karin, come here."

A roar of chatter built up once again as people moaned or squealed about their groups.

"I'm glad we're in the same group," I said cheerfully to Sakura, who smiled in return.

"Me too!" she enthused, clapping her hands. I grinned at her, having been slightly worried that she would be disappointed to be lumped with the new guy when she could have been with someone in her friend's group, though by the look in her eyes when Iruka had mentioned Sasuke I imagined she wasn't too disappointed in that front either.

My theory was confirmed as soon as we saw Sasuke, once we had seen what room to go to and began to move away.

"Oh- Sasuke! Over here!" Sakura shouted suddenly, startling me. I looked to where she was waving to see a boy with dark hair spiked at the back and long bangs at the front turn around at the sound of his name. Dark eyes on a pale, handsome face that was calm and passive looked first at Sakura and then locked with mine as he paused in his walk, hands in the pockets of three-quarter length jeans, topped with a plain black T-shirt.

"Sakura," he greeted. "Naruto. It's been a while." His voice was low and rich, a sound I could imagine singing, _shouting_. But it was flat, almost emotionless. He remembered me but he couldn't care less about seeing me again, it said.

"Hey, Sasuke. How's it going?" I asked, a little awkward, a hand at the back of my neck. A strange feeling came over me, as if becoming detached from the scene. A sort of Deja Vu as I was surrounded by people from my past in a new place. The unsettling feeling made me retreat inside myself for a moment, an electric guitar in my mind.

_Jesus Christ that's a pretty face_

_The kind you'd find on someone I could save _

_If they don't put me away,_

_It'll be a miracle. _

"Fine," he said shortly. I snorted.

"Sounds riveting," I drawled. Sasuke threw me a narrowed sideways glance.

"I see you're just as immature as the day you left," Sasuke observed. Sakura, looking surprised, looked at him, caught in the middle as we walked together; he having waited for us in what I was sure was nothing more than a show of artificial politeness. I glared at him.

"I see you're just as much of an asshole," I retorted. Sasuke raised an eyebrow at me, as if I had said something incredibly stupid. I huffed.

"Hey, guys, calm down. What are you even fighting about? Isn't this the first time you see each other in like four years?" she frowned. I shrugged, linking my hands behind my head so that my short-sleeved orange shirt hitched up a little, showing the edge of my frog-patterned boxers. My elbow skimmed the top of Sakura's head but I noticed Sasuke was still taller than me.

Bastard.

"Ok then, here we are!" Sakura announced, opening a scratched wooden door to reveal an average looking classroom decorated with book-report posters and cheesy signs like, _learn from your misteakes, misteks, mistakes._

"So how's this Kakashi guy then?" I asked, sitting on one of the desks and looking around, Sakura choosing a seat and Sasuke to stand, leaning against the wall.

"Late. Always. He's pretty cool though; isn't unreasonable for deadlines and stuff. Bit of a perv though, he always carries around smutty books with him, though he's not allowed to read them in lessons anymore," Sakura said, grimacing. I grinned,

"Yeah? How do you know they're slutty, eh Sakura?" I smirked. She looked at me, surprised, before narrowing her eyes mockingly.

"Shut up. They have a big red stop sign on the front cover, not to mention they're called Come Come Paradise," she snorted. My laughing came up short as I heard the name before my grin grew wider.

"Come Come Paradise? I know those!" I said before thinking. Sakura's eyebrows shot upwards and even Sasuke glanced at me.

"Figures," he snorted and I glared at him, blushing.

"I didn't mean it like that! I know the author!" I clarified loudly. Sakura laughed.

"Sure Naruto, whatever you say," she said flippantly, turning the tables on me. "But...I've always wanted to know, are they good?" she asked, looking at me curiously. I was surprised by her interest but shrugged.

"No, they're boring as hell," I said. She grinned.

"So you _have _read them!" she accused. I groaned, lying back-down on the desk and covering my eyes. Damn.

"I know the author!" I whined, making Sakura laugh harder.

"Hm. I glad you all seem to be getting to know each other nicely," a new voice said. Sakura's laughing stopped suddenly and I propped myself up to look at who I supposed was Kakashi. I stared.

He was **very** strange-looking.

For all I could tell he was young, in his early thirties at the most, but his hair was a white that was practically silver, shooting up to the side quite spectacularly. Half his face up to his top lip was covered by a tight black cloth and to top it all off he had a scar running down his right eye.

"Woah, what happened to your face?" I blurted. Kakashi turned coolly towards me and I snapped my mouth shut, instinctively raising my fingertips to my own, whisker-like scars marring my cheeks.

I was a pro at first impressions. Bad ones, that is.

"I knew I wasn't going to like my team," the teacher sighed. I frowned. Sheesh, that was a little harsh. Sakura spluttered. Sasuke snorted. "Naruto, Sasuke, grab a seat," he ordered, looking quite bored with the whole situation. I complied, sliding into the seat the wrong way around so that I could lean with extended arms over the back of the seat, straddling it. I watched Sasuke cross the room and raised my eyebrows in confrontation when he surveyed my position with his eyes.

"As you know by now, my name is Kakashi Hatake. I'm going to be your mentor for the next two years, so you're going to have to learn to work together." I glanced at Sasuke as he stared impassively on.

"Let's start with introductions then," he said lazily, as if we were a bunch of primary-schoolers.

"Introductions? Just our names?" Sakura questioned. Kakashi looked at her.

"Your name...what you like, what you don't. Your hobbies. Your dreams. Stuff like that." We stared at him. "Go," he said. Sakura shifted in her seat, looked around. I tried to think. Desperately tried to think _mydreamydream_ but came up with chunks of music, with purple notes, with my mother singing in the twilight overlapped with the Red Mad and his grins of smoke and diamonds with the trembling roar of organs for fingertips.

"Why don't you introduce yourself first?" I said sceptically.

"Me?" it was like he was trying to pull off surprised but became bored half-way through. "Well...I have no intention of sharing my likes and dislikes," he started off.

"Pfft," I snorted, which he ignored.

"My dreams? Well..." he stared into space for far longer than could really be considered normal. "As for my hobbies," he said without finishing his sentence. I rolled my eyes. "I have lots of hobbies."

Well that was useful.

"Yeah, like being a pervert, apparently," I grumbled. His eyes turned towards me and it was a little disconcerting how he seemed to glare at me without changing expression.

"Hehe...Anywho, I'm Naruto Uzumaki." I said, turning to my other two teammates. Sakura smiled encouragingly whilst Sasuke seemed to ignore me. "I like music...and ramen. I don't like...jerks. And expensive shit. My hobbies are..." I thought. "Painting," graffiti, "Singing and playing instruments," making noise with pans and glasses since I couldn't afford an instrument, "and eating ramen." I grinned. "As for my dream..." I paused again. I hadn't had a dream for years. I would go to bed, sleep, scream, sweat, wake up. And as for an ambition...as much as I loved music, it had always been enough to listen to it, or to play it to myself. I didn't want to be a musician. I imagined myself in different ridiculous positions. Like a rodeo boy, or a milkman, or a clown. I wondered if I would make people laugh or cry.

"...Naruto?" I heard Sakura say. I turned towards her.

"Huh?"

"You've...been staring into space for like a minute," she said worriedly.

_For far longer than could really be considered normal._

"Oh!" I laughed, "Sorry, I space out a lot. Er..." what had I been saying?

"Your dream, dobe," filled in Sasuke. I shot him a glare. Dobe? What the fuck, he still remembered that? When we were still in primary, he had found out my parents had been half-Japanese and decided to nick-name me in the according language.

"Shut it, teme," I growled. "And my dream...Be head police." It simply came out. Kakashi hummed in interest before turning to Sakura who had been staring at me.

"Oh! Er, my name is Sakura Haruno. I like reading and hanging out. I don't like hypocrites and violence. I do volunteer work at Brownies with kids as well as the Woman's Refuge and do boxing. My dream is becoming a doctor," she said. I was immensely impressed, if a little worried.

Boxing?

"I see." Kakashi then turned to Sasuke who was sitting rigidly in his chair. He looked straight-on as talked.

"I dislike more things than I like," he started. I rolled my eyes, imagined him in a Mr Happy suit and giggled. "My hobbies...aren't important. And the word dream is useless. I have an ambition, and that is to capture and condemn one man to the death sentence." The silence that followed had its hands around our necks.

"Interesting..." Kakashi said. Yeah, more like depressing. "That was all very interesting," he went on. "But that's enough for today. We'll meet up tomorrow at mentor time, which is after every lunch for half an hour except for Tuesdays, which is assembly. I'll give you your first project then," he said, and turned to leave.

"A project? Already?" I moaned. Sakura looked over at me as Kakashi, ignoring me, walked out of the classroom.

"It'll be something we have to do together. It'll be fun," she smiled. I grinned, leaning over the back of my seat with my arms crossed over the edge.

"Hey, anything that lets me spend some time with you is ok with me," I smirked. I had had a heavy crush on her when I was young and though my feelings had changed it wasn't because she was any less attractive.

"Oh, shut up," she laughed, rolling her eyes, though I noticed with glee that her cheeks were slightly flushed.

"So, what now?" I asked, resting my head on one of my wrists.

"Er, we should go to the common room. I can introduce you to everybody, they won't be long,"

"Great."

We got up, following Sasuke who was already exiting the door.

"You want to eat with us today?" Sakura asked at his retreating back. He turned his head slightly but kept walking.

"I already have something to do," he replied shortly. I narrowed my eyes.

"Don't be too friendly now, someone might die of shock," I drawled. Sasuke shot me a look over his shoulder.

"It rivals your intelligence, doesn't it. Or, should I say, lack thereof," he smirked that damn smirk. What instrument would that stupid smirk be? An eerie, mocking finger around the edge of a wine glass.

"Shut up, teme!" I shouted. I heard his snort from behind.

"Oh, smart one," he retorted sarcastically. I clenched my fists.

"Ok, break it up. Jeez, what is up with you two?" she demanded, glaring at me and then at Sasuke's back which was still moving away.

"So, Naruto, I didn't know you sang," Sakura said, cutting through my frown. I turn a grin at her.

"Yeah! Loved music since the day I was born," I replied and spontaneously started clicking my fingers, skirting around her so I was walking backwards whilst facing her.

"_So 1, 2, 3, take my hand and come with me  
because you look so fine   
and i really wanna make you mine."_

I started singing. Sakura's mouth opened in surprise as she blushed, looking like she wanted to laugh but wasn't sure if she was supposed to._  
"I say you look so fine  
that I really wanna make you mine."_

I winked at her _  
"Oh, 4,5,6 c'mon and get your kicks  
now you dont need that money  
when you look like that, do ya honey."_

I drawled, halting in my steps so that she came closer to me and had to stop walking as well.

"Watcha think?" I asked through a wide smile, her face a pace away from mine. Sakura spluttered, lifting her hands to clap feebly.

"You- sing very well!" She squeaked, looking surprised. I laughed, scratching the back of my head with one hand as I moved away from her, settling beside her so we could walk.

"Aw, thanks," I replied.

"No, really, you do! That rasping...edge thing was..." she trailed off.

"Hot? Sexy? Orgasmic?" I filled in cheekily. Sakura narrowed her eyes at me, still blushing.

"Nice! I was going to say nice," she insisted. I laughed loudly.

"Riiiight..."

"Oh...shut up."

In front of us Sasuke took a corner and for a second our eyes locked and something seemed to jump between us. Animosity, only deeper, stranger. Something sparked inside me, surprised at the look.

"Over here," Sakura said, pulling me away from him, down another hall. Sasuke walked away without looking back.

OoO

"I am _starving_!" A boy exclaimed. I had been flicking through the few CDs the common room held whilst Sakura chatted with a few girls in the year above when people started streaming in. Apparently it was break-time already.

I followed the hungry guy with my eyes, taking in his over-grown, shaggy brown hair that reached his shoulders in a mass of strands, pupils that were so small it gave him an animalistic look. He was wearing a blue T-shirt that said **I Like It Doggy Style **in large block letters. He practically lunged at a bag settled on the seat next to mine and took out a meaty sandwich, eating almost half of it in one bite.

Rolling drums and a baritone saxophone with a high-pitched whistle to go with his T-shirt.

"Oh. Hey, you the new kid?" he said, finally turning to me after managing to swallow.

"Yep, my name is Naruto Uzumaki," I told him. He grinned.

"Welcome to the pack, then. I'm Kiba."

"Kiba, I hope you're not slobbering all over the new kid already," a female voice said from our side. I turned to look at the blond girl, hair pulled in a high pony-tail with a side-fringe. Mascara-rimmed blue eyes looked ruefully at Kiba. She had long summer-tanned legs fractionally hidden by a blue miniskirt, a pop-artish, tight strappy shirt over her front, which hitched up at the slightest movement to reveal a strip of skin over her stomach. Then her gaze settled on me as Kiba grumbled something under his breath.

"Hey there! I'm Ino" she smirked. I smiled back.

"Yo. Naruto."

People were filling the seats making a circle around the low wooden table where bags and packed lunches were already scattered. I looked around, feeling a little overwhelmed at the sea of strange faces, looking at me curiously.

"Kiba, you...you forgot this," another girl said, going up to the boy. I looked at the newcomer and found the opposite of the blond in her. She had skin that seemed not to have tanned very much over the warm months and startling grey eyes so light they looked white. She was dressed modestly in a flowing, ruffled lilac skirt and a nice shirt frilled at the edges. I knew her...

"Oh! Thanks Hinata," Kiba said, and it clicked.

"Hinata! Hey, we went to the same primary school!" I exclaimed, leaning towards her eagerly. She had been incredibly nice to me back then, even though I hadn't paid that much attention to her quiet ways.

She jerked towards me as Kiba stepped out of the way and suddenly halted, eyes growing wide.

"Na-Na-Naruto!" she stuttered. From the roots of her hair to her neck her whole face flushed brightly red.

"Yay! You remember me!" I laughed.

"Hinata, are you ok?" a new guy asked, clad with a high-collared shirt and some baggy jeans, dark hair and small sunglasses reminiscent of John Lennon. Hinata kept on spluttering until she seemed to run out of air and turned to flee.

"Erm...is she always that shy?" I asked sceptically. I remember her constant stutter and blush but not to such an advanced level.

"What's up with Hinata?" yet another guy said, but I noticed he was the large, slightly chubby boy who had sat beside me that morning. We smiled at each other. Beside him was an Asian looking boy; slightly dark skin, almond-shaped eyes and hair pulled in a tight pony-tail, making it stick up in the air like a brown palm-tree, who sighed profusely whilst keeping a slightly concerned look in his eyes.

Everybody was looking at me.

"Er..."

"Oh! Guys, I see you've met Naruto!" Sakura suddenly interrupted, and I turned to her gratefully. She smiled back and proceeded to introduce everybody. Kiba, Shino, Shikamaru, InoHinataChoji, Trumpetclarinetbongos, name and face and name. I picked up singularities in each face, joined them with the sound of their name so I wouldn't forget.

"It's nice to meet you, Naruto," Ino said, crossing her legs on the seat beside mine.

"Thanks! Its nice meeting all of you as well, you've all been great. Specially Sakura, she's been showing me around dutifully all morning," I complimented. Sakura shrugged it off with a smile.

"So, where do you come from?" Choji asked, munching away methodically through a large bag of Doritos.

"Whirlpool City. It's really wet there but at the beaches are great...if a little dangerous," I replied.

"Yeah? Why you move?" Kiba questioned. I tensed slightly but waved it off.

"Got bored and stuff. How is it like here? You guys like it?" I derailed casually.

"Yeah, it's cool. No beaches but great parks."

I hummed contently but stopped a little short when I saw the guy named Shikamaru, slumped in his seat bonelessly, looking at me with interest. I avoided his look as if his gaze could interpret my secrets, but when curiosity and paranoia made me look back he was staring at the ceiling, yawning. I relaxed.

I was going to have to be careful about what I said about my past. Pretend the last four years never happened. Avoid getting close enough to be burned. But it was ok. I was used to playing with fire.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

**A/N**

Another chapter so soon! You guys must totally love me by now. Huh?huh:D

Anywho, this chapter was really quite fun to write (especially Karin and Suigetsu :3) although a little wearing. All the meeting people and therefore description of their physical selves puts me on edge because I've always thought it was one of the trickiest things to write, since it's so easy to turn into Mr Boring-Pants with lists of colours and hair extensions and clothes co-ordination. As well as the set-out of the school (a parody of mine) I didn't want to make it too confusing.

So, tell me how the chapter turned out.

Hot?

Sexy?

Orgasmic?

Oh, no, wait a minute baby, that's yet to come ;)


	4. 3: it was an accident

_Fences- Paramore_

_Men in Tights- Robin Hood: Men in Tights_

_On the radio- Regina Spektor_

_Coconut Skins- Damien Rice_

_High Voltage- Electric 6_

_**Shiver**_

**Three: **It was an accident

I was in a basement. There was sand in it; red and dusty, on the floor, in the air, my lungs, teeth, nails, capillaries. The walls and ceiling and floor were made out of bricks.

The only thing in the room besides me was a radio.

It was old fashioned, wire netting in the middle, protruding and eerie song I had never heard before. Strings, slightly out of tune, cracked by static and underlined by a whispering, _na,na,na_, that was the source of the deep fear I was feeling, like a gun to my head.

I was still, tense, waiting. Something bad was going to happen. But I never had to wait long.

Suddenly, the volume of the radio went up.

"You like music, don't you, Naruto?" Someone asked out of the nothingness. The air stopped and splintered in my throat. I knew that voice. It was part of me now.

I said nothing.

There was someone behind me. My shadow. My past.

"Don't you, Naruto?" it edged on, getting closer, one sound at a time. "Come on, Birdie, sing me a song," a hand at the back of my neck. "Sing me a song, Naruto. Come on," nails against my cheeks, digging, _digging._

Every night he dug a little deeper.

**OoO**

I turned on my MP3, watching as it greeted me, _good music, good day. _I chose a song, and put only one earphone in my ear as the lyrics started.

_I'm sitting in a room,_

_Made up of only big white walls and in the halls there's_

_People looking through..._

I was in the common room, crossed-legged on a chair at the end of lunch, watching Ino and Sakura as if I were following a tennis match. Kiba was doing the same, and I should have known from the very start that he and I were going to hit it off from the start. He was blunt, reckless, rather vulgar and filthy-minded. I could have asked for little more, really.

"Don't blame me for your mistakes. You're the one who filled in the boxes wrong, I wasn't _distracting _you," Sakura was saying in annoyance, taking a bite from her apple. Ino snorted.

"Oh well so-_rry, _I don't have a giant forehead to store all that crap in," she huffed. Sakura narrowed her eyes as soon as the forbidden F-word was mentioned.

"Can it, piggy. And trust me, it's not the size of your over-inflated head that's causing the retardation," she snarled. I scooted away slightly from the battle scene.

"Woah! Bitch fight!" Kiba hooted. I laughed.

"Yeah, man. I take off the clothes, you throw in the mud!" we high fived, but immediately backed off as we found ourselves at the receiving end of woman's wrath.

"How troublesome," Shikamaru sighed. I had found out he did that a lot, as well as sit around staring into space or talking to Choji. By what I had heard and asked, though, he used to be much lazier. Genius by birth, slacker through profession, he had gathered enough motivation in the last year to take extra courses and curricular activities to show off that intelligence.

"Come on, youth! Move forwards in the path of life!" A teacher started bellowing as lunch ended. I took out my only plugged earphone and turned around to see a very frightening image. It was a tall, broad-shouldered man dressed all in green. Tight, tight, green. The only exceptions to the colour were orange legwarmers over his jade skinny jeans. The picture was completed by a black-haired bowl-cut and thick eyebrows in the manly, squared-jawed face.

"Woah, what's with the get-up?" I asked. Sakura glanced over and giggled as the man started doing star-jumps for reasons unknown to me and probably everybody else. Suddenly another boy, of the year above and dressed in a similar fashion and hair-do, joined in the exercise.

"Oh, that's professor Gai and Lee. They're...fun," she laughed. I stared.

"I...like what they're wearing. Where do you think they buy those tight jeans?" I asked truthfully. It was original. And it was the perfect opportunity to sing things like, _we're men in tights! __**Tight**__ tights!_

"Are you serious!?" Sakura exclaimed, practically screeching. I winced.

"Yeah. It's cool." Sakura looked baffled and then smiled, shaking her head, looking like she was going to say something but was cut off as a voice said behind us,

"We're gonna be late." Sakura and I turned in our seats to face the front again and saw Sasuke standing there, bored looking, a sleeveless black top and denim shorts reaching his knees. I popped my earphone out, not being able to help letting my eyes trail across slightly sun-touched shoulders, over strong-looking arms.

No matter how big of a jerk he was, the guy was _hot._

I had realised I liked both genders a couple of years before, little after I had met Haku. What turned out to be a boy he showed me that I simply didn't care; a person was a person. I wouldn't have even called myself bisexual, as if the label was too constricting, too _defining._ I just didn't discriminate.

"Like it'll matter," I snorted, getting up nevertheless. I was right in my complaint, however, as by the time Kakashi arrived in the set classroom we had been waiting for 15 minutes; half the time mentoring should have taken.

"You're late!" Sakura and I accused at the same time as the teacher entered. Kakashi looked at us in his usual nonchalant way.

"A year seven was lost. I had to teach her the ways of the world," he replied. I wrinkled my nose.

"That just sounds wrong."

Kakashi coughed as Sakura _eeeeewed_ loudly.

"Well, moving on. I have your assignment here, which will last the whole of the next term, until Christmas," he said, sitting on the front of the desk, facing us. I leaned forwards eagerly.

"The whole term? What is it what is it what is it!?" I shouted, excited. Maybe we would get to do magic tricks and I could saw Sasuke in half by 'accident'.

"Maybe if you shut up for a second, dobe, he would be able to explain," Sasuke commented from the side. I turned to see him lounge coolie in the plastic chair and scowled.

"Girls, please," Kakashi drawled before I could say anything. I turned my glare to the front as Sakura muttered something about 'sexist perverts'.

"Now. The assignment I am setting is mostly up to you," he warned. I listened keenly, smiling daftly. "I want you," he paused dramatically. I tipped my chair farther forwards.

"Yeah? What, what, what?" I breathed. Kakashi surveyed us.

"To collect information on Konoha."

I fell off my chair with a thump.

"Whaaaat? That's crap," I shouted, immensely disappointed as I pulled myself on the chair. Even Sakura looked crestfallen at the anticlimax.

"Let me finish," Kakashi sighed. I rolled my eyes. Why did he take so many pauses?

"This project is going to depend on your skills, imagination, but most importantly, team work." He looked at all of us. "You can do whatever you want as long as it is about Konoha, but I want it to be varied. Each one has to serve a purpose and no sectioning it. You have to help each other and, trust me, I'll notice if people haven't helped," he looked pointedly at me.

"Hey! Why are you looking at _me_!?" I protested loudly. Sasuke snorted and I glared at him loathingly. "Shut it, teme."

"Calm down, Naruto, I meant nothing by it. My eyes just drifted," Kakashi replied. I snorted. Fat chance.

"Now, you can do something like a historical background-"

"_Bo_-ring."

"You can do a map. You can draw, make graphs, make- a soundtrack," I perked up. That actually sounded pretty cool. "It just has to be presentable, well thought-out and, if possible, interesting. I have to read it after all," he finished lazily. I hummed thoughtfully, ideas racing through my mind. Anything on Konoha. We could go from writing a fictional story to a set of pictures with information to...

"That's pretty cool! We get to spend time outside and stuff don't we!?" I didn't wait for an answer. "Yeah!" I swivelled to look at Sakura and beside her Sasuke, one looking casually enthusiastic whilst the latter looked sceptic. Before I could say anything else the bell rung.

"Think about ideas tonight, kids. Later," Kakashi suggested as he walked out of the door. I grunted after him as the three of us picked ourselves up and started exiting as well.

"What do you guys think?" Sakura asked. "Should we meet somewhere soon to brainstorm? Tomorrow at mine maybe?" she offered, looking from Sasuke to me. I grinned.

"That sounds great! We'll be there!" I enthused and she smiled back, probably gathering that me accepting for the other boy would be an easier feat that convincing the ass to curve his probably tight routine into something more enjoyable.

"Great!" she replied and trotted off, skirt swishing back and forth. I looked at Sasuke to find him glaring at me. My smile widened.

"Oh come on Saucy, it'll be fun. And cheer up, we have our first music lesson next!" I said loudly. Sasuke rolled his eyes but only muttered _dobe_, which I took as I good sign. Even though the relationship between him and me could hardly be called healthy, I enjoyed his sarcastic company, as if he had something I could get with no one but him. That was why, when I had learnt he had also chosen Music for A-level, I had been happy. I wanted to know what his skills in the subject were; what his voice could do to a song, his fingers to an instrument.

Walking together with my chatter as the main attraction and the sounds of the school as background music, I noticed how the girls walking down the hall glanced or stared at Sasuke he in return paying heed to the attention. I sighed and scowled slightly as we entered the art building. It was the ungrateful ones who always got what others wanted, I mused. I glanced at Sasuke's good looks.

Dickhead.

We reached the studio by walking down some white, creaky stairs, past a patio and into a room, half of it shut by a soundproofed wall with a large window in it, where supposedly one would be recorded, and then an area with machinery and Macs on old, rickety tables, one octave keyboards and earphones attacked to each.

"Cool!" I exclaimed, eyes wide, taking it all in. Music would be, without a doubt, my favourite subject and to see all the machinery set out in such an organized mess of cables and amps and computer towers...it was a dream come true. In my last school I had been lucky to find a working microphone and amp, let alone Macs and compressors.

We were the only ones in the room and I lunged into it as Sasuke closed the door from the hotness and sunshine of outside to the air-conditioned room as the running computers balanced it out with their projecting heat. I inspected the knobs and buttons and screensavers, afraid to touch something and make it break under my fingertips.

"Avoid from slobbering over the keyboards, dobe. Haven't you seen a studio before?" Sasuke said from behind me and I snapped straight, turning to look at him with a glare at having ruined my moment.

"No, actually, I haven't. Got a problem with that?" I growled irritably. His only response was to raise an eyebrow and my growl increased. Though age seemed to have flattered Sakura, it seemed to have had some reverse effect on Sasuke in the kindness department which had apparently shut down, feelings abandoning empathy town.

"Jerk," I mumbled and he shrugged his exposed shoulders, making the semi-long hair brush against them. My eyes flickered over him again.

Damn him to hell. If I were Major I would definitely make it illegal for men that hot to be that insensitive. Great, now he was making me sound like a girl.

"Shut your pussy-hole, Jiroubou, you fat fag," a voice reached us as the door opened. I turned, startled at the sudden torrent of cursing to see a short, skinny girl with dirty red hair under a backwards black cap enter, followed by a large guy with an orange Mohican and two triangles of hair above his ears.

"I've told you a million times, Tayuya, not to curse so much. It's not ladylike," Jiroubou said.

"I don't give a shagging rat's ass what you think is ladylike," the girl spat. I gaped at them. Apparently, those were my music partners, along with the winter princess.

Joy.

"Jiroubou is right. If I hear any more of that language in my classroom, Tayuya, you will be kicked off the course. No questions asked," a semi-hard, semi-passive voice was heard and then the door closed and all the class was present.

"Kakashi!? You're the music teacher?" I accused as he entered. The newcomers looked at me.

"No, blondie, he's here to f- prance about with us. What do you think?" Tayuya growled sarcastically. I glared at her but before I could reply Kakashi was cutting us off with a sighed instruction to sit down on one of the seats in the small room, ringed by the high tables with computers, a recording set pushed against the plastered bottom-half of the glassed wall, leaving a small space for walking in the middle. With grumbles we all pulled out wheeled chairs and turned to face Kakashi, who was sitting on an amp at the front of the room.

"Ok. This is how this year is going to work. Technology and music exams in summer, but most of your grade will depend on coursework. You will have to work. You will have to work hard. I will give you all the resources and help you need, but I will not chase after you to complete your projects..." for the next few minutes Kakashi, turned suddenly and quite surprisingly into teacher-mode, explained the high difficulty of the following year, how we wouldn't make it if we didn't put our individual skills and work into our projects. I sarcastically thought about how motivating all the teachers were being, drilling into us that hell on earth was to come.

Apparently, music coursework constituted of three sections; a mash-up, which consisted of joining two pop songs together to create one with a correlative beat, a Multi-track, which consisted of re-doing a pop song using only eight tracks, and finally a composition based on Pachabells Cannon, being more than eight tracks.

"This sucks," Tayuya complained as Kakshi finished explaining. "I don't like the genre of pop. It's too...happy," she scowled. I rolled my eyes.

"It's 'pop' as in 'popular'. So any genre that's been popular at any given time, which is every genre really, is valid," I said. Kakashi looked at me and his eyes closed in what the outline of his mask revealed was a smile.

"That's right. And a track means one instrument or vocal recording, though if you can manage it I'll teach you how to compress various in one," Kakashi clarified. We all nodded, except Sasuke who looked bored with the whole ordeal. I guessed he already knew everything we were talking about.

"Right, anymore questions?" Kakashi asked. Silence prevailed. "Ok, good. Well then, since we still have time left, let's do an exercise," he suggested, his little smile appearing again. My interest was caught once again as I rolled closer to him in my chair. Even Sasuke seemed to be listening.

"I want all of you to play me a piece. You can use whatever instrument you want, including your voice. Any genre," he looked at Tayuya, "and it can be any song, including originals if you so wish to share."

My mind raced. Out of all the songs I knew, pick one? I tried to think of a simple one. A piano piece, maybe. I hummed.

"Fine," Tayuya said and opened the case she had been carrying with her, revealing a standard C foot orchestra flute. "Can I go first?" she more stated than asked, to which Kakashi nodded. Without ceremony or hesitation she brought the embouchure hole to her lips and began playing a fast, cutting tune that wove around us like red threads. Her fingers flittered over keys and holes, sound after sound after sound filtering through in an intricately woven mass that conquered air and space. She reached the climax, closing her eyes as notes raised, raised, hanging there for a second before plunging down with precision and skill.

She was amazing.

Finally, with a sudden slash, the song ended. I opened my eyes and, amazed, clapped.

"Wow. That was great," I complimented. The petit girl looked at me smugly.

"Yeah, I know." I stopped clapping abruptly, a perverse feeling coming over me, as if by her boasting words she had ruined her music, tainted the notes with a sort of triviality. I snorted at her and looked away as she sat down, packing away her instrument.

"Very good. Jiroubou?" Kakashi prompted. The large boy nodded and we all moved to the insulated side of the room to reach the drums. As I entered the room I froze, amazed.

"Oh my God. A Grand Piano. Fuck. This is so cool!" I exclaimed, running over the sleek, black figure, running my hands carefully over the surface, lifting the lid as if through worship to reveal the notes that hid beneath it. Softly I pressed a G and the noise tinkled in the room.

"Sweet," I breathed, closing the lid in awe. A Grand Piano. I couldn't believe it. They were worth thousands. They were _priceless_, in my eyes.

"Naruto," Kakashi called and as I looked at them I saw the girl rolling her eyes whilst Jiroubou sat in front of the drum set, shifting them around slightly so they were in appropriate reach. Sasuke, however, was looking at me with his dark eyes as if I were a complicated equation he was attempting to resolve. I looked back at it, slightly taken aback at being the target of such intense concentration.

I was pulled away from him, however, as Jiroubou started playing expertly, rolling the drums, smashing the clash symbol and hi-hat as the snare shivered alongside the bass drum. Even though some people would have considered it noise, I appreciated the sounds, so synchronised and understanding of each other, but with a final roll he finished.

"Whoo!" I enthused, clapping again. He, however, didn't look at me, but I didn't care. It was the good music I was complimenting as Kakashi praised him shortly as well.

"Ok, ok, me next!" I demanded, walking towards the piano, sliding the lid back again, sitting down against the great beast that was the Grand Piano.

I didn't look at my audience. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them I decided;

**Happy song. **

"On The Radio, Regina Spektor."

I started playing, my fingers over the simple, staccato cords in the introduction, zoning everything else out. This was my world; the land of sounds that transformed into feelings. I opened my mouth and sang.

_This is how it works  
It feels a little worse  
Than when we drove our hearse  
Right through that screaming crowd _

I started; a clear, practiced sound without rough edges._  
While laughing up a storm  
Until we were just bone  
Until it got so warm  
That none of us could sleep  
And all the Styrofoam  
Began to melt away _

I raised my voice, feeling the words in my throat, in my lungs._  
We tried to find some worms  
To aid in the decay  
But none of them were home  
Inside their catacomb,_

I breathed,_   
A million ancient bees  
Began to sting our knees  
While we were on our knees  
Praying that disease  
Would leave the ones we love  
And never come again  
_I paused for a second, slowed down._  
On the radio  
We heard November Rain  
That solo's really long  
But it's a pretty song  
We listened to it twice  
'Cause the DJ was asleep  
_I elongated, finishing with a _bu bu bum bu bum bum _before another deep breath, another lunge. _  
This is how it works  
You're young until you're not  
You love until you don't  
You try until you can't _

I squeezed my eyes shut, singing deeper, more than the original composer. _  
You laugh until you cry  
You cry until you laugh  
And everyone must breathe  
Until their dying breath  
_Another breath as I slowed down, my fingertips on the soft keyboard._  
No, this is how it works  
You peer inside yourself  
You take the things you like  
And try to love the things you took _

I sweetened my tone._  
And then you take that love you made  
And stick it into some,  
Someone else's heart  
Pumping someone else's blood_

I sang deeply, my favourite line.Then softly_  
And walking arm in arm  
You hope it don't get harmed  
But even if it does  
You'll just do it all again _

I smiled for a second, closing my eyes._  
And on the radio  
You hear November Rain  
That solo's awful long   
But it's a good refrain_

I smiled,_   
You listen to it twice  
'Cause the DJ is asleep  
On the radio  
oh oh oh, _I imitated the harmony. _   
On the radio  
On the radio - uh oh  
On the radio - uh oh   
On the radio - uh oh  
On the radio_

I hummed, playing joyously as I _bu-bumed_ and just let my voice carry as I left the last note hanging with the peddle and clapping a tune as a _ah-ed_ in staccato. With a final clap I stopped. I sat still for a second in the aftermath of the song before slowly lifting my foot from the pedal and looking over to my observers. I grinned.

"Whatcha think?" I asked, scratching the back of my head with a slight blush. I wasn't a normally shy person but...this was my music. My voice. My feelings.

"Not bad, runt," Tayuya smirked. Kakashi looked thoughtful and nodded as Jiroubou grunted. I chuckled, half-embarrassed, and as I moved away from the piano, shutting it with a lingering touch, I couldn't help but glance as Sasuke. He was looking away but as I stared he glanced towards me and in those eyes was the same deepness as before. My smile widened.

"You turn, Saucy," I grinned. Sasuke narrowed his eyes, grunted, turning to one of the guitars.

"Don't call me that, dobe," he replied as he sat on a stool. I smirked.

"Don't call me dobe, teme."

"Any time now, ladies," Tayuya growled, looking like she was holding something far more hurting to the ear back. I shrugged.

Sasuke settled his guitar strap and his position, trying a few cords to make sure it was in the right key before saying "Coconut Skins," and he began to play, fingertips against strings, pressing and strumming in a surprisingly upbeat song. I smiled, enjoying the fact that he hadn't chosen a slow, depressive tune to fit with the image that people had of him; cold and melancholic. Like me, he had his own world and preferred to stay there instead of venturing near the dangers of other people.

Suddenly, however, my thoughts were cut short as his deep, rich voice filled the room.

_You can hold her hand  
And show her how you cry  
Explain to her your weakness  
So she understands  
And then roll over and die  
_He called, looking down, his voice wavering slightly at the end of some words, adding a pleasant edge to the emotion._  
You can brave decisions  
Before you crumble up inside  
Spend your time asking everyone else's permission  
Then run away and hide  
_he reprimanded, taking a deep breath as he went into the chorus. _  
Or you can sit on chimneys  
Put some fire up your ass  
No need to know what you're doing or waiting for  
But if anyone should ask_

He paused, a smirk across his lips._  
Tell them I've been licking coconut skins  
And we've been hanging out  
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins  
And relieve us our doubt_

Another deep breath, rasping against his teeth. His strumming increased in force,as he _lalala-ed _to the tune, a strength behind the sounds._  
Oh you can hold her eggs_

He slowed down,_  
But your basket has a hole  
You can lie between her legs and go looking for  
Tell her you're searching for her soul_

His eyes flickered upwards and touched mine_  
You can wait for ages  
Watch your compost turn to coal  
Time is contagious  
Everybody's getting old_

He said unhurriedly, letting the words drip from his tongue. _  
So you can sit on chimneys  
Put some fire up your ass  
No need to know what you're doing or looking for  
But if anyone should ask  
Tell them I've been cooking coconut skins_

He closed his eyes, frowning slightly as he felt the impact of the words_  
And we've been hanging out  
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins  
And relieve us our doubt_

He went into the final verse, fingers going up and down, up and down, dancing over the strings, _lalala-ing_ again but with a final, impacting strum, the song ended.

Silence fell and I found myself missing his voice in the air.

"Well done," Kakashi said as he smirked slightly. I coughed and Sasuke grunted, removing the guitar and moving away from the stool.

"Yeah man...well done," I put in. Sasuke glanced at me and smirked in a way that could have almost, _almost_ been a smile.

"Let's go back to the other room," Kakashi instructed, and we all filed through. I playfully punched Sasuke in the shoulder as I passed by, sitting in my seat and making it spin as he rolled his eyes at me.

Not soon after, the bell rung to indicate the end of the school day. Kakashi dismissed us with a wave of his hand and in the time it took me to collect all the books we had been given, Jiroubou and Tayuya had disappeared from the classroom. I exited with a wave to Kakashi who smiled at us, walking beside Sasuke who was not paying me much attention as I, in turn, retracted to my own thoughts. I was actually glad to have Kakashi as a teacher. Despite the fact that at times it seemed hard to respect him he was the best balance of strict and fair.

"That was pretty good, huh?" I asked Sasuke, breaking the silence as we walked down an empty, narrow hallway with wide windows streaming sunshine in.

"It was fine," Sasuke conceded and I smiled, walking a pace behind him.

"And you're pretty good, Sassy. After me, of course," I joked with a grin. Sasuke looked over his shoulders, eyes meeting mine before looking forwards again. We climbed another set of stairs and entered another thin, unoccupied hallway.

"Well, I'm sure it's easy to please you," he responded. My smile dropped as I frowned.

"What the hell do you mean by that?" I growl warningly. Sasuke just kept walking in his passive step.

"Well, what would a poor orphan know about music?"

Before I could even _think_ I yanked back his shoulder, spinning him so that I could slam him against the wall, his shoulder bag twisting awkwardly. He grunted in surprise but quickly composed himself, fisting my shirt as I was doing his, pushing me away, but my anger was much greater than his and I pressed closer, digging the length of my arm against his chest.

"What the fuck do you think you're saying? How can you even pretend to know me, or my life, you fucking bastard," I snarled. Sasuke glared back.

"Let me go." His voice was cold and calm. Dangerous. I pushed harder.

"No," I spat. "Not until you tell me the reason behind the shit you just spouted. How would my parents _dying_," I was ready to rip his head off, "or the money I have, affect my appreciation for music? Do you have any idea how much I depend on it?" The orchestra in my mind shrieked in agreement, my consuming, relieving insanity. "Where the _fuck_ do you come off, saying something like that?" I was so _angry_. That someone, Sasuke of all people, may even suggest that all I had left was _nothing, _that I wasn't worthy to have it...

Sasuke stared at me, our faces so close I could make every detail; every eyelash and almost invisible sun-freckle on his nose, despite the paleness of his skin.

"I didn't mean it," he said lowly, slowly. He wasn't trying to push anymore, just held me in place, hand still clutching my blue shirt.

"What?" I said, startled. I hadn't actually expected any type of concession off him. Sasuke's glare deepened.

"I said I didn't mean it. Now get the fuck off me," he grinded, but I pushed him back again, baffled.

"They why the hell did you say it?" I asked, searching his face. I noticed that even though he was pushing slightly against my arm he could have tried a lot harder.

"Shit, Naruto, I was teasing you. I know you're good at music, I know you like it. We all saw you practically molest that piano. Now: get, the fuck, off me." He seemed to grow angrier as if to counter the vulnerability of his words, and I would have let him escape if not for the unfortunate event that took place.

Sasuke pushed against my chest and I, letting him, took a step back but was interrupted in my movement as, one foot lifted from the ground, I was hit on the back by an opening door, causing me to topple forwards. By some strange positioning of Sasuke's slightly slouched position as he pushed against me, our lips met. For what seemed like an overly long moment I stared into wide dark eyes as mine shot open. I was suddenly very aware of my body and my tongue, both of which were touching him. Pelvis to pelvis, we were still clutching each other and as my brain died I didn't know what to do. I tried to move my mouth to speak, already open against his in consequence of my startled cry, but that only caused more friction, more electricity, more feeling between us. My tongue was brushing the seam of his lips, the hand fisting against his neck _burning_ from the touch as every pressure he put on me screamed for attention. His mouth, for a sliver of a second, opened against mine and our breath was one hot, wet edge of air.

Ridiculously, the line _Fire in the disco. Fire in the, gates of hell_, slid through my mind like high voltage and we wretched apart, me pulling, him pushing, coughing and spluttering. I clutched my throat as if something toxic had scorched my throat and maybe it was true because I was suffering from strange side effects.

The girl who had opened the door was staring.

"That was so hot," she breathed and I turned to glare at her.

"No it wasn't!" I howled. I hitched up the bag on my back, my face flaming. Even Sasuke was slightly flushed as he hissed,

"You _moron_."

"Me! Me?" I shrieked and, not being able to take even one second more of Sasuke's disturbing presence, stomped off, wishing desperately that it was the day the earth would swallow me whole.

As I rounded the corner I lifted my fingers to my lips, flushed, and cursed.

Damn him.

_**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**_

_**A/N**_

The girl with the door, by the way, is _totally_ me. And damn right it was hot.

Whoo, some narusasu action. I like character development as much as the next person but sometimes I just have to sweeten things up a bit before the main meal. :3

I wouldn't normally use such a cliché but my defence is that its canon. No one can blame me! The guy pushed Naruto unto Sasuke and gave birth to thousands and thousands of rabid yaoi fangirls.

God bless him.

Right, you guys just don't love me enough yet. But now I've given you hot voices and Sasuke _pressed_ against a _wall_. I bet you're dying to send me a review saying _OMGAWD that was HAWT. _But don't forget I won't bite if you have criticism, as long as it's not something like _OMGAWD you pagan, devil-worshiping, stuupid n00b. _

So yeah, **review please** :3

And isn't Tayuya fun?

Her and Ginger are two of the people protecting Sassy-in-the-barrel by the way.

And...erm, you all got the first thing was a dream right? T.T I thought it would be a bit pathetic to finish it with

_and then I woke up._


	5. 4: Thats why they look at you

_The Sun- Maroon 5_

_A Town With An Ocean View- 'Kiki's Delivery Service' Soundtrack_

'_Le__ Fabuleux Destin d'__Amélie__ Poulain' (or just 'Amelie')Soundtrack (youtube it and choose a song, there's a nice piano one with images of the corpse bride)_

_Blue Morgan (opening credits)- 'Million Dollar Baby' Soundtrack (the whole soundtrack in one clip in youtube)_

_Soldier Side- System of a Down_

_Lost in Hollywood- System of a Down_

_**Shiver**_

**Four: **That's why they look at you

It was the end of the school day, the common room in an uproar of voices and chatter as people packed their books up in shoulder and back bags. What I still though as 'Sakura's group' was packed around the same table, laughing and dividing papers, asking about homework and joking about the events of the day. I had had maths and English for the first time with Asuma and Kurenai respectively. Between activities and assemblies, my days had been fairly occupied so that I still had to meet my PE and Biology teacher. I had a foreboding feeling that the enthusiastic Gai was going to teach PE.

I slung my orange monstrosity, as Sasuke had so endearingly named my bag, on my back, talking to Hinata who was nodding and stuttering my way with her big, pale eyes.

"Oi! Cinema, Friday, we're gonna see some movie called Atonement or something," Kiba cut in, throwing a toothy grin at Hinata who smiled back. I raised my eyebrows.

"Isn't that supposed to be girly?" I questioned doubtfully. I didn't really have piles of money to spend on going out, despite the Sunday Job I had managed to nab. Kiba sighed dramatically.

"Probably, it was Ino's idea," he snorted, but shrugged.

"Oh, don't be like that. It's about the war," Sakura interrupted us. "Come on, it had good reviews. Please?" she asked and looked at me with her big green eyes. I slumped, sighing. How could I say no to that? I would have to cut down on my music-spending expenses, I mused. The government was feeding me some money until I was eighteen so it wouldn't be too bad.

"Ok, ok, I'll go. But can I bring a friend?" I asked, thinking of Gaara. Sakura looked at me in surprise.

"A friend? From out of school?" she questioned. I nodded and grinned, knowing that it may have seemed a little weird to already have befriended people out of school in my short stay. Sakura smiled in response.

"Of course."

"Are you two done?" a bored voice sounded from Sasuke, ready to leave for Sakura's, where we had agreed to meet to discuss the Team Seven project. My face heated up in an instant as I glared at his offensive figure. I had been ignoring him the whole day in an attempt to erase the memory of our kiss from my mind. Loud music in my house, reading until I was exhausted yesterday, avoiding his eyes today. I was trying not to feel my body pressing him against the wall, those lips that for a moment were opened so I could breathe him in.

"Oh! Of course, Sasuke," Sakura said sweetly as she neared him. I shook my head, steeling myself, pushing the thoughts from my mind once and for all. It had been a mistake; that wasn't a lie. It meant nothing, and it would stay that way.

We walked out of the common room with Choji and Ino who took the same bus and said goodbye to them as we started walking, for Sakura's house was only a few minutes away.

My two companions started talking about some school issue, since they were Deputy Head Girl and Boy, and briefly I wondered how I ended with two of the top students in my group. Maybe it was because it needed two doses of sanity to balance me.

_After school  
Walking home  
Fresh dirt under my fingernails_

Maroon 5 played in my head from my single earphone, the other, vibrant pink one tucked into my pocket along with my MP3. I had gotten tired of the band since it had come out but the song seem to fit so well with the sunlight that thrummed around us that I left it playing. I didn't feel left out even though the conversation did not contain me, content to walk beside the old friends I had so easily connected with again.

_Feel the beat in the rhythm of my steps  
And sometimes it's a sad song_

I looked around the sophisticated neighbourhood we were entering. A round road lined by apartments with a little, private park in the middle. The pavement was bubblegum-free, paint faded but clean. There was no rubbish in the corners, no children playing in the streets. I couldn't imagine unhappiness in a place like this. I looked at my friends and smiled slightly.

_The sex she slipped into my coffee  
The way she felt when she first saw me  
Hate to love and love to hate her  
Like a broken record player  
Back and forth and here and gone  
And on and on and on and on_

The song interrupted my thoughts, moaning in my ear and my eyes were drawn to Sasuke's form almost against my will. His face was looking forwards, saying nothing, simply listening to Sakura go "...think it's too expensive but if..." as if he didn't really care. I frowned, skipped the song so that _A Town With An Ocean View_ from Studio Ghibli's 'Kiki's Delivery Service' came up, complimenting the spilling light just as well as the previous one.

I had to get that boy out of my mind or I would have to start getting worried about reasons why I couldn't.

O

"Do you guys want something to drink?"

Sakura's flat was spacey, well decorated and nice. We had entered to a large hallway, encountering a bookcase filled to the brim. To the right were three large bedrooms, each with a toilet attached; the master, Sakura's and the guest. To the left were the large living and dining room and kitchen. The floor was padded with cream carpet and most of the furniture a dark wood I couldn't name.

We declined the drinks as we settled on the soft floor around the large, round coffee table in the middle of the sofas and TV. We had left our shoes at the door and I had washed my feet so that the fresh, red skin lay comfortably on the soft surface of the carpet. The home was quiet apart from some shuffling due to the fact that both Sakura's parent's were out working.

"Your house is really nice, Sakura!" I complimented, once again taking in the hanged pictures, the small figurines and decorations. I noticed that Sasuke was also observing the surrounding as if they were new, and deduced that he hadn't been there before and found the fact predictable even though it would have been weird for two friends not to visit each other's houses at least once because, despite Sasuke's closed-off attitude, he was the most open and receptive with Sakura though he often seemed much more comfortable with the group than anywhere else I had seen.

"Thanks," Sakura smiled, taking out some pens and paper and laying them out on the table, copying Sasuke. I followed suite, fishing out my already bitten pencils and pens. Sasuke threw their haggard state a glance and smirked.

"What?" I snapped at him. Sasuke merely raised an eyebrow and I imagined myself grabbing the edge of it and pulling sideways until it came off like a band-aid.

"Jerk," I murmured. Sakura sighed.

"Come on, guys. Let's get through this without fighting, ok?" Sakura said tiredly and I looked away from Sasuke grudgingly.

"Just tell him to keep his eyes to himself," I grumbled, tired of his debasing looks.

"Only if you keep your hands to yourself," Sasuke surprised me by saying and I froze, blood filling the veins under my face as I turned to look at him.

"Wha- I don't, It was, you...Shut up!" I stumbled, pointing at his face in embarrassment. He was referring to the kiss, I knew he was. I contemplated hitting him in the head and causing amnesia. Hell, it would be worth it even without the damage to the memory.

Sakura looked at us suspiciously and I hurried to cut her thoughts short.

"Do you guys mind working with some music? Nothing, like, offensive or anything, just some background," I assured. Sasuke shrugged and Sakura nodded, taking out some speakers. We plugged them in and I connected it to my MP3, choosing Amelie's soundtrack and sitting down again. For a moment we stared at each other, a piano playing as if from another world.

"Right. Should we just throw ideas around until we like one?" Sakura suggested. Sasuke nodded and I enthused an _OK._

For the next couple of minutes we wrote ideas down, doodling in the margins, comparing and shooting down.

"What about...Konoha's special places," Sakura finally came up with. I hummed in thought.

"That sounds pretty cool," I supported.

"How would we decide what's special?" Sasuke had to doubt. I hummed again.

"What about...we write about a few different places special to each of us and then to prove to Kakashi that we've worked in a team we find places or a place that all three of us likes," I suggested. Sakura nodded happily.

"Yeah! But...what do we write about them?" there was a moment of silence. "How about a road trip? We describe on paper how we would take them around Konoha and explain each place, the quirks and stuff," she elaborated. I grinned.

"Yeah!"

"A road trip wouldn't fit that well in a City," Sasuke hampered. I frowned at him. "What about a tour? We can write it up as the crucial places of Konoha; what we like the most about it."

I smiled widely again. "Hey that's not bad, teme," I conceded. He rolled his eyes, smirking nonetheless. "We can map it out and then detail each place with info and drawings and music. How does that sound?" I proposed, looking from one of my teammates to the other. Sasuke nodded shortly as Sakura smiled a _yeah! _

"So, how do we start? Where do we go? What places do we choose? In what order?" I started rattling, grinning and moving my shoulders up and down excitedly.

"Calm down, dobe," Sasuke admonished even though the edge of a smile lurked under his lips. I stuck my tongue out at him as Sakura rolled her eyes but also smiled.

"How about we start at school and move from there?" Sakura suggested. I hummed in thought.

Sasuke said, "I think a better idea would be to start in the old entrance to Konoha. It has historical value and plenty of stories to go with it. That way it feels more like a tour and we allow ourselves an opening for introducing the city."

I nodded grudgingly at his idea but beamed as an idea hit me.

"Yeah! We can talk about the ninjas!" I sprung up, kicking highly at the air clumsily and toppling back by my own force so that I collapsed into a couch. I laughed and beamed at my two other companions, both wearing varying degrees of exasperation and amusement. In that moment, with only Amelie's piano in the background, I felt a connection to Sasuke and Sakura I had not been able to grasp before, as if the wrongs of the past, my abrupt abandonment, their seeming indifference, was nothing compared to the present.

My smile softened.

Maybe Kakashi wasn't a complete nut after all.

O

Sakura' s parents were nice. They were polite and kind and handsome. They asked Sasuke and me if we wanted to stay for dinner and I assented for both of us

It was like stepping into a foreign world

I was amazed by the little things they did. The small enquiries between husband and wife. Movements like washing their hands or peeling and cutting vegetables or a peck on the cheek. I watched how Sakura interacted with them, flesh and blood and memories. It was familiarity; family, a bubble of their own which Sasuke and I were intruding.

As I sat in the table, between Sakura and Sasuke and opposite Sakura's dad, I felt like the ugly swan between all beautiful ducks.

"How was school today, then?" the mother asked, passing the mashed potatoes around.

"Fine. Lessons still haven't started properly yet so I didn't really get homework," Sakura responded. Serve, pass. Serve. Pass.

"How about you, boys? Sasuke, I haven't talked to you for a while. And, Naruto?" she smiled at us. I looked at her, slightly surprised. I had almost expected to simply sit there and observe them interact as if they were a movie or a picture; almost artificial and unreal.

"Oh! Cool, yeah, did some music. The school has really sweet controls," I grinned, mixing my mashed potatoes with the vegetables.

"You also take music?" the father asked, looking at Sasuke and then me. He had glasses and 1-day stubble.

"Yep!" I took a bite, swallowed. "Mmm! This is really good!" I complimented, then, "music is m favourite subject."

"Which- I mean, do you play any instruments?" Mrs. Haruno asked. I nodded.

"Yeah. The piano is what I play best, but I also know a bit of saxophone and trumpet as well as guitar and bass. I've tried the flute, harp and drums but the people who owned them moved away and I haven't played them in like a year," I said. Sakura was staring at me as if surprised.

"Wow, Naruto! _And_ he knows how to sing," she turned to her parents. They both smiled adult smiles at me.

"That's very impressive," the father said. I blushed, not exactly uneasy with the compliment but not wanting it nonetheless, only because playing instruments when I had the chance was too natural to be commented on. It was as if someone praised me for the way I walked or breathed.

"And you say you've just moved here? Your name sounds familiar. What's your surname?" Mrs Haruno enquired politely. The fork froze half-way to my mouth. I looked up into the slightly puzzled, kind face of Sakura's family. Sasuke glanced at me as he cut things carefully, elbows off table, napkin on lap.

"it's..." a question I wouldn't be able to laugh off or avoid. But if they knew who I was they would remember who I had been. "Uzumaki." I watched them closely. Sakura was looking confused at my suddenly serious attitude to such a mundane question. Sasuke was tense beside me when my arm brushed his.

"Lovely," Mrs Haruno smiled but Mr Haruno was looking at me, analysing me, seeing the headlines on the newspaper and the man in parent's evening that one, terrible time. But he said nothing and the awkwardness melted away to reside solely in the pit of my stomach.

"So Sasuke..." and the conversation derailed its fingers away from the dangerous territory of organ keys in my mind.

O

"Thank you for the meal, Mr and Mrs Haruno," Sasuke said as we neared the front door.

"Yeah! Thanks!" I agreed, grinning at them. The smiled back, waved, kind words sweet on their lips.

Mr Haruno looked at me until I stepped out of his home. The violins in my mind went high, then low, low, low. Lower.

Team 7 walked down the stairs in silence.

"Well, that was productive. You sure you don't want a lift?" Sakura said without sarcasm. I smiled, declined. Sasuke nodded in agreement with me. I didn't know what his reasoning was but if I could avoid it I would always rather walk or take the bus. Cars were looking more and more like metallic creatures that rolled around in masses, foreign and unnatural, ready to kill at any moment. Sakura smiled, inclined her head slightly to the side.

"What a pair I've got. I'm used to Sasuke refusing help but Naruto, you're just as bad. That's why Kakashi looked at you that first mentor time, you don't like asking for help," she commented. I looked at her, surprise but she waved me off with a, _I'll see you tomorrow_. I guess it was better that way because I didn't know quite what to respond.

"See you tomorrow at school, Sakura," I waved as Sasuke grunted his goodbye and we walked away in the refreshing night air.. I mulled her words in my mind but dropped them easily. I had reasoned beyond a simple refusal of help for doing things.

"What bus are you taking?" I asked, inserting an earphone in.

"Fifty-two."

"Me too! To Liberation Station?" I questioned, indicating the last stop.

"No."

Man the conversational skills of the guy were something else.

A slow guitar shot as electricity through the cable from my MP3 to the earphone, as sound to my ear, back to electricity to my brain. Blue Morgan, the screen told me. The summer quietness outside the music complimented the soft sounds. I sighed, smiled a little, hands in my pockets, unconsciously imitating Sasuke's position.

"You know...I'm glad that at least one of us three has a happy family life," I commented to Sasuke, looking both ways before crossing the road. Sasuke glanced at me. Said nothing.

"What are the chances that both our parents are dead, huh?" I said casually even though the words sounded strained in my head. "I'm happy that's not the case for her. Aren't you?" I questioned probingly. The simple reason for bringing the subject up was the shock it had caused me to see such normality in a household after all these years of...abnormality.

"Yes. Now shut up," Sasuke said coldly. I stared at him, angry. Or hurt.

The music had turned sadder against our conversation.

"You live alone?" I almost stated. It was a presumptuous guess. Simply because I lived alone did not mean that Sasuke couldn't be living with a relative or surrogate parents. But there was something in his face. That same expression that had attracted me all those years ago; a reflexion of my own unfortunate misery. There was a long pause filled with silence and a piano. We reached the bus stop and when he responded I don't know why he did it.

"Yes. You live with your uncle don't you?" He asked in a tone that suggested a kind of internal defeat. My whole self froze.

-

_Sing me a song. Come on, Naruto. Sing me a song._

_-_

My hand traced my scars against my will.

"No. Not anymore," I responded shortly. Sasuke was looking at the scar I had touched with an expression that bordered on curiosity, but he questioned no further. I was grateful as the red seeped away from my eyes.

The bus rumbled to a stop and we got in the desolate space, the aftermath of rush-hour.

I sat beside the window and Sasuke next to me as the vehicle groaned forwards heavily. It was nine:twenty, my watch said with a little tremor in my thoughts. We had been around five hours in Sakura's apartment.

I reached sideways and shoved my other electric pink earphone in Sasuke's ear. He flinched, hand lifting to cover his attacked ear. I watched him watching me. He didn't remove the intrusion and we were left link by a thin strand of sound.

I picked _Solider Side_, and the electric guitar joined the thrumming of the bus.

_Dead men lying on the bottom of the grave  
Wondering when saviour comes, is he gonna be saved  
Maybe you're a sinner into your alternate life  
Maybe you're a joker, maybe you deserve to die_

The man in our ears sang. We let the song take its course, listening to the world, each in our own world.

_They were crying when their sons left  
God is wearing black  
He's gone so far to find no hope  
He's never coming back_

" 'S not so bad. Living alone. You get to walk around naked and shit," I smiled, turning to him. He smirked, snorted.

"Dobe." But his eyes were somewhat calmer.

"Do you not like to talk about your family?" I asked. I wasn't like Sasuke. I pushed and shoved when I shouldn't. There was another silence and the song switched to _Lost in Hollywood _and I thought, _aren't we all?_

"They belong to the past. It's pointless to talk about it," he finally said. I wondered if it was just me Sasuke opened to so easily. I had seen him cry, once, when we were eleven. His eyes had been red.

"That's stupid. What else have we got to talk about? The present would be redundant. And the future, what's to talk about? We don't even know what's gonna happen."

_I'll wait here,  
You're crazy,  
Those vicious streets are filled with strays,  
You should have never gone to Hollywood_

"You can talk about what you plan to happen,"

"What you hope to happen," I interrupted. He ignored me.

"And what use is talking about the past?" his voice was colder than before.

"To change the perception of it. To analyse it. So it doesn't happen again. To see how it affects you now," I guessed. Sasuke shrugged. "And anyways, you didn't answer my question. I asked if you _disliked_ talking about your parents, not if it was useful," I smirked.

"I don't see how this is any of your business," he cut me short. I leaned slightly into him so that our arms were pressing. I ignored my thoughts.

_I was standing on the wall,  
Feeling ten feet tall,  
All you maggots smoking fags on Santa Monica Boulevard_

"We're...teammates, aren't we?" I smiled widely, glaring my teeth. He snorted.

"So?"

"So as teammate I'm making it my business." He turned towards me and our faces were way too close but I didn't move away because it wasn't about the kiss. It was about the sober, serious expression on his face.

"I don't see how that has anything to do with this. We can work perfectly well together without disclosing my past. If you are so eager to find out about me how about you explain why you looked as if someone had stabbed you when Mrs Haruno asked after your surname."

_You should have never trusted Hollywood. _

I leaned away from him, making both our earphones dislodge at the sudden movement and fall like corpses, limp on our laps.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. My heart went _thump thump thumpthump thumpthump thumpthumpthumpthumpthump. _

"Or why you're looking at me like that now, hm, Naruto? How about _you_ tell _me _about your parents. Or why the hell you left so suddenly four years ago." His voice was edge with anger.

Or-

"Like you would care," I said roughly. He was suffocating me with his inquisition.

"You're right. I don't care. But this isn't about caring, I'm just proving a point so you'll leave me alone." He faced away from me, to the front of the bus. I narrowed my eyes, clenched my fists. Why did I feel like I had just been defeated?

"I..." breathed deeply. "My uncle was involved in some bad business. He had the same surname as me and was in the news. I was afraid they would recognise me as a relation and tell Sakura she couldn't see me anymore." I felt as if I were confessing to something completely intimate, a dangerous personal factor, like an inner demon that was and wasn't part of me. "You know about my parents. They died. And as to why I left...I had to."

I turned my MP3 player off.

Two stops later Sasuke said,

"It's not that I _don't_ like talking about them." I looked at him. His face was Completely. Blank. "But I don't _like_ liking about them either. There's just not reason to."

I nodded. That small assertion seemed much larger coming from Sasuke.

"Were they nice?" I asked.

"Yeah. They were nice."

"Who was stricter, your Mum or your Dad?"

"My Dad."

"Did they both work?"

"No. Just my Dad."

"What did he do?"

"Architect. Yours?"

I smiled. "Head of Police."

It was an awkward, fragmented conversation. But hell, with Sasuke, any type of conversation was something to celebrate.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N**

He talks! O.o

I don't really like how this chapter ended up but ah well. I like the next one more.

Gah, I'm in a writing slump with this story. I was going to update twice a week if I could but I'm going to settle for every Sunday (is Sunday a good day? Suggest if there is another which will be better) because I just don't feel motivated enough lately. I haven't written a word the whole week, and I've had plenty of free time, being half term and able to stay up to the early hours of the morning :3

So yeah, review review and give me my mojo back.

Wah-cha!

**Edit: **sorry for the re-post, is being a retard.


	6. 5: Take off that make up

_Phantom of the opera- Phantom of The Opera_

_Ice Dance- Edwards Scissorhands soundtrack_

_Hey Ya- OutKast_

_The Pretender- Foo Fighters_

_Sing for the moment- Eminem _

_**Shiver**_

**Five: **Take off that make-up

There was something about him. Or maybe it was _everything_.

The guy had the definite aura of a creep. His pale almost see-through skin that gave itself a blue tint. The long, thin hair that lay limp and dead on his scalp and shoulders. He was wearing tight jeans unnecessarily held up with a purple belt, flowing white shirt topping that. And, despite him being male, he had dark eye shadow on. He didn't look exactly gay or even eccentric, there was just a distinct weirdness about the Biology teacher that went beyond the strange appearance (which seemed to be a recurring factor throughout the Konoha School staff). It was the expressions he adopted. The blatant, sugar-sweet fakeness of his look which swallowed you whole like a picture.

"Sasuke. Is this a new little friend?" Professor Orochimaru asked him, looking at me with those wet, calculating eyes. We were sitting at the back of the room on tall stools typical of a lab. I stared back at him. Was it even normal to signal students out like that?

"Hn," Sasuke replied, not seeming to pay the man much attention. I smirked slightly. At least he hadn't denied the re-blossoming friendship. I felt as if our last talk had wrung another thin thread around our growing bond.

"Now now, little Sasuke, is that any way to talk to your Godfather?" he asked and I flinched slightly. I looked the guy over again, feeling uneasy. Half of me was reprimanding my unfounded and unjust internal accusations against Orochimaru. I had met him a couple of minutes ago, his eerie eyes and wide smile as he licked his lips almost compulsively, and I had felt a shudder trail down my body in some sort of concealed disgust. But I had met a lot of bad people. I had had to talk and deal with men and women who wanted things, wanted things _now_, wanted things _bad_, badly enough to do anything. I had interacted with those who's moral compass were not exactly in function and had to learn how to read those people; how to identify them. And looking at Orochimaru...I wouldn't go as far as to say I was afraid of him, that he was like those people in totality, but something, gut instinct, perhaps, told me to be weary. The way that he was ignoring the filling classroom in favour of Sasuke was only adding to my suspicion and the fact that he was Sasuke's _godfather? _

Something didn't add up.

"Not anymore, Sir," Sasuke said in a perfectly placid tone. I turned to him in surprise. Under all pretences, Sasuke was still someone who enjoyed antagonising other people. Not as atively or, admittedly, as loudly as me, but he would hold his own against other opinion or sympathy. But, faced with Orochimaru...he seemed to be a lot more submissive. Strangely, I felt protectiveness rear its head inside me.

"Sorry I'm late guys I was- oh, Professor Orochimaru. Good Morning!" Sakura said, beaming in a star-student manner. I imitated her grin.

"Yo, Sakura! Saved you a seat," I patted the chair next to mine. She settled down, looking a little sweaty and hassled. I turned back to Orochimaru to find him looking at me with that small, artificial-sugar smile.

"Little Naruto," My face twitched at the nickname. "I've heard quite a bit about you," he said though arched lips. My eyes narrowed.

"That's nice," I said rudely. His expression didn't falter; testimony of its lack of authenticity and the look only served as a further catalyst to my unease.

When he moved away, Sakura admonished, "Naruto! You can't just talk to teachers like that!"

I shrugged in response, smiling at her. "Sorry, Sakura. It's just..." I looked at the teacher who had taken his place at the front of the classroom after hovering slightly over who I now knew was Team 6- his team. There was an echo of his voice as he said, _I've heard quite a bit about you. __**Little **__Naruto. _It sounded like a perverse sort of intimacy I in no way desired. I looked at Sasuke, his complacent expression, and my frown deepened. What could he know about me and if he did, how did he find out?

I hummed _The Phantom of the Opera_ softly,and the lyrics crept into my mind.

_In sleep he sang to me  
In dreams he came  
That voice which calls to me and speaks my name  
And do I dream again for now I find  
The Phantom of the Opera is there  
Inside my mind_

I suddenly felt very, very sick. I wanted to throw up but concentrated on silencing my mind, on pushing things back, back. I was trying to smile but breaking instead.

Someone was saying my name. I looked at Sakura, her pink hair and green, clear, concerned eyes. She was mouthing something, or saying something I couldn't hear. Her voice was approaching me, a train in the distance making itself forwards, making a noise like _areyou ok? Are you ok?_

_Itsgonnabeok. _

I put a hand to my head because it felt heavy and swollen with noise which couldn't be normal- and if it was normal it couldn't be healthy.

_Sing, my Angel of Music  
Sing, my Angel  
Sing for me_

It was his voice. The red, sandpaper voice that eroded and ate away at anything calm or good. I had seen Orochimaru someone before, in the No Man's Land of time between 10 and 14.

I clutched my head harder, keeping my eyes wide open so that I didn't slip into some other world.

Someone was grabbing my wrists beside my face. Sasuke. Sasuke was holding me down, steady, alive. _I shouldn't be doing this_, I thought. Ruin my chances of normality, of home, in my first week at a new school with old friends simply because some guy reminded me of scarlet or maroon or red. I focused on the hands around my wrist which were pressing but not pulling. _Calm down_ I thought. Away from the keys. Think of bells and strings. I thought about _Ice Dance_ and let my muscles relax a little. I followed the crescendo, then the softness of it.

I took a deep breath, past the fist around my chest, past it, past.

I lowered my hands. The whole class was looking at me. I blinked blearily at Sasuke's hard face and Sakura's distress and felt the guilt and shame climb inside my throat.

"Er, sorry. The sun got into my eyes, I get really bad headaches. Talking to me only makes it worse," I smiled shakily, pulled from Sasuke's hands which were still grasping my skin. He let them drop, moving away from me.

"A headache? What a bloody drama queen," Suigetsu said from across the classroom. I didn't even glance towards him, trying to avoid the still-staring pair on either side of me. I felt trapped and looked up only to find Orochimaru looking at me. Still smiling.

"Can we begin the lesson then? Do you need to go to the nurse?" he asked, his voice calm but falling too flat to seem concerned.

I nodded, "I'm fine."

Sasuke and Sakura were still shooting glances at me as the class settled down. I tried to act..._normal. _

But sometimes that wasn't as easy as it sounded.

OoO

The sky was as blue as ever. Summers in Konoha were long and intolerable, though the heat was slowly toning down as September crawled past. I stood outside the school gates, looking around, frowning. There were barely any people left, the sound of their noise having hit the climax and then trickled to ordinary.

He was late.

"What are you still doing here, dobe?" Sasuke's voice questioned from behind me and I turned around to see him walking down the hill towards me, his usual posture of hands-in-pockets present and wondered how he didn't overheat since I was already sweating buckets under the sun whilst he barely shined. I smirked for a second, wondered what it would take Sasuke to make him _sweat_. The image was pushed away with a shake of the head as I scowled.

"Waiting. What's it look like I'm doing?" I grouched, directing my internal anger at him. Despite all bonds, Sasuke was still a Class A Asshole. He had been edgy and snappish at me all day for no reason I could perceive. Even as he approached he was looking at me with a dark expression I had no doubt was something like contempt.

"Wasting your time, like usual," he retorted. I rolled my eyes, turned away from him, peered around. I had been waiting for twenty minutes already and had become impatient 19 minutes earlier. I ran my hands across my summer-heated forehead. My fingertips would taste like salt.

"Another headache?" Sasuke had stopped beside me. I looked at him as he watched me with dark eyes. There had been no concern or even interest in his voice. Instead it had been...mocking.

"No..." I said hesitantly, wondering what he was playing at. "I'm just hot."

I saw his eyes flicker over me and when they came back to my face I was smirking broadly. He rolled his eyes, clenched his jaw.

"If you say so," he bit out, eyes cold. I leaned away slightly, taken aback by his tone, his look. Manic-depressive or what?

"What? Why would I lie about a headache you weirdo?" I asked. He snorted.

"I don't know, Naruto," the hairs at the back of my neck stood up at the sound of my name on his lips, "why did you lie this morning?"

The blood drained from my face.

"Wh-what are you talking about?" I stammered. He raised an eyebrow, surveying me uncaringly.

"Going to try and lie yourself out of this one?" He smirked laughingly. There was no pity or worry about my earlier display in the Biology Lab, simply a morbid curiosity that made me feel like an experiment or research rat instead of a comrade or even human.

"Fuck off. I don't lie," I stated. Sasuke snorted cruelly.

"You just contradicted yourself."

I ground my teeth together. If he didn't care then why was he even asking? I wasn't a liar, no more than the white-tongued people who slipped-up now and then.

"Hey, Kid. You ready to go?" a deep voice said and I turned away from glaring at Sasuke towards the familiar sound.

"Jiraiya!" I ground out like an accusation, narrowing my eyes at him. He surveyed me and upon seeing my look held his hands up as if to protect himself.

"Calm down, Peaches, I couldn't avoid being late. We gonna move or what?" Jiraiya defended. He was wearing a pair of lose work trousers and a top-open, short-sleeved shirt; work clothes. I sighed.

"Yeah, ok." I started walking away from Sasuke without a second glance, but Jiraiya's eyes slipped from me to him and his eyebrows arched.

"Uchiha. Didn't expect to see _you_ two together," he grinned. My eyes narrowed further. Jiraiya knew perfectly well I was bisexual and I knew with more than enough experience that he was a pervert.

I knew exactly what he was thinking.

"We were...we went to the same primary school," I said through clenched teeth. If he started hitting on Sasuke on my behalf I would kick him so hard he wouldn't be even able to _think_ about being a pervert ever again.

"I see. Old...relations then," he smirked at me. I glared.

"You must be Jiraiya," Sasuke said. We both looked at him. I turned around, worrying about how he knew Jiraiya.

"And you must be Sasuke. Charmed, though I don't remember meeting you before," Jiraiya drawled.

"You were at one of my family's parties years ago. I was quite young but remember you hitting on my mother."

That explained the cold tone and glare.

I laughed, pointing at Jiraiya.

"Pervert!" I shamed, then looked at Sasuke again. "You mum? Pervy, that's a new low, hitting on married mums in front of their kids," I shook my head at Jiraiya. He narrowed his eyes at us.

"Hasn't anybody told you to respect your elders?"

"Yeah, to respect those you aren't sleazy perverts!"

Jiraiya sighed a lost-cause sigh, then surveyed Sasuke.

"That doesn't explain why you're looking at me like that, brat," he told him. I set my eyes on Sasuke to see his usual blank face on.

"Just wondering how a dobe like him knows the Head of Police in Whirlpool," he said. My back straightened, smile dropped. Did he pick up on _everything_!?

"Haha, looked at the time. Let's go, Pervs," I laughed nervously, pushing the old man forwards. He looked at us, interested, but for once said nothing.

"Later, Sasuke," I called and didn't glance back as we passed the zebra crossing and then around the corner. I let out a sigh.

"What was that hasty retreat about?" Jiraiya questioned. I shrugged.

"Didn't we have to go?" I saw Jiraiya look at me through the corner of my eye but as I did nothing he eventually sighed and shrugged. We walked in silence until we reached the car, sliding into the already suffocating insides. The motor of the rented car rumbled as it was turned on. The CD player switched on and the heavy beat rung at once through the car.

_My baby don't mess around  
Because she loves me so  
And this I know for shooo.._

I shook my head and smiled.

"So are we going to yours?" He asked. I nodded.

"Might as well. I have some ramen."

"Great..." he drawled sarcastically, pulling out. It was his last day in Konoha and apparently he just wanted to say 'bye'. I didn't exactly believe him; long goodbyes wasn't something Jiraiya would do, but I didn't over think it. Whatever he wanted to say I would find out that night.

"Will I have parking?" he asked after a minute. I nodded.

"Yep. Just make sure they won't steal your car," I said.

_Alright, alright, Ok now ladies, (YEAH!)  
And we gon' break this thing down in just a few seconds  
Now don't have me break this thang down for nothin'  
Now I wanna see y'all on y'all baddest behavior  
Lend me some suga', I am your neighbor ahh here we go!  
Shake it, shake, shake it, shake it (OHH OH_)

The CD player responded. Jiraiya sighed.

"Great..."

OoO

In the end we stopped for some simple groceries and I scrambled up some vegetables and egg whilst he made soup. It was obvious we both lived alone as we got in each other's way, not asking for help in our particular tasks even when we needed it.

All through dinner I babbled about Konoha, school, Sakura, Sasuke, the group. I talked about money, I talked about music. I talked about Gaara and the cinema due Friday. He just listened, was forced to under my onslaught of meaningless words. He always told me to shut up a couple of times but I had learnt that it was just a prop to keep us in character, in case we slipped.

Plates in the sink, and still he didn't leave, heavy and big and impressive on my sofa. I looked at him, finally silent, sinking in my old, worn sofa-chair.

"So, Jiji, whatcha want?" I asked, looking him over. Jiraiya was leaned back, feet on coffee table. He regarded me lazily.

"What do you mean, brat? Am I bothering?" he drawled. I rolled my eyes.

"Shut up. Come on, really. You're not the hug goodbye kinda guy. Apart from repeating a million times to 'take care of myself', what do you really want?" I said bluntly. Jiraiya sighed, sat forward, feet on floor.

"And you seem so stupid most of the time."

"Oi!" I glared back at him. He smiled and I settled down, watching his face draw in and become more serious. _Bad sign_, I thought. Jiraiya was very much like me; he smiled instead of crying or shouting or begging or breaking down. But that even that shell was sobering up meant that what he had in mind was not fit for even mockery.

"Nartuo..." he started, "I know you don't want to talk about what happened...before I found you." My face hardened as I leaned back on instinct. Not only did I not want to talk about it, I didn't want to hear about it, but my teeth were clenched too hard together to let my tongue protest."Don't look at me like that. I'm not going to say anything about it, you had enough of that with...ok, ok. I just want to talk about the Akatsuki."

I closed my eyes against his words. I had moved to Konoha to escape those people. I wanted to believe they did not exist in Konoha. That the life they came from belonged to another person, living somewhere else.

"Come on, brat," he said, voice low. I opened my eyes. "Look Naruto, I think you're as safe as you can be here, but we have to be realistic. They have people working for them. They have contacts in black markets, they have eyes everywhere. They still might come to get you." It was said crudely; fact after fact.

"I know," I bit out, turning away from him, frowning. I heard him sigh.

"I know you do. But...I want to give you something. Just in case."

I watched him get up, following him with my eyes as he went over to his beaten-up black bag. He opened it and didn't even have to search, simply zipped another compartment and from the darkness he pulled out a gun.

I sucked in a breath.

"What the fuck."

He looked at me. I shook my head.

"No. No. You- no Jiraiya no fucking way. I don't want a gun." I stood up, backing up.

"It's for your protection, Naruto. I know you don't like-"

I shook my head, "It's not a point of not _liking_ guns, Jiraiya! I'm not taking it."

"Yes you are."

"No I'm not." I was breathing quicker.

"Naruto. Just calm down. Come on," he was saying but I was shaking my head, no, no, no. Jiraiya walked over to me, still holding the smooth, black handgun.

"Come on brat, don't wuss out on me," he coached. I concentrated on his voice; deep, kind. I took a deep breath. "If somebody comes into your apartment, you need to be ready. I...know you can...handle these. It'll be ok. You have a permit. Ok?" he looked at me. I looked back.

Would the time come when I was facing one of _them_ and wishing to have that gun in my hand? Better safe than sorry, right?

Right?

"Ok. Ok." I could do this. I was conceding a part of my past into my present, but that didn't matter as long as it was to simultaneously ward it off.

Wordlessly, Jiraiya walked towards me, a few cases of bullets and the permit in a bag in one hand and the gun, locked and probably unloaded, on the other. It was metal-cool in my hand, slick and dangerous. It wasn't just a toy on a shelf or an icon on the silver screen- it was a gun that could kill a person in a split second. For a few seconds we stood still before he moved away, eyes still watchful. My head was starting to hurt.

"I'll be going then, kid." Abrupt, rough. My head snapped up to look at his retreating form. That was more like him.

"O...kay," I said distractedly. I put the gun down on the table and stepped away from it.

I watched him sling the bag on one shoulder, following to the door which was scraped open. I smirked until it hurt. Simply because I had accepted the gun so quickly did not mean I was happy or inviting of its presence. My agreement sourced from nothing but need.

"I knew you had something in mind, Pervy. Do try to keep out of trouble in Whirlpool," I said.

He snorted, "That's my line, brat."

We walked down the narrow stairs and out into the warm breeze of summer night-time. Luckily, his car was still parked outside. I leaned on one leg as I watched him open the heated vehicle and slide inside. As the engine started to rumble, Jiraiya looked at me through the rolled-down window.

"And brat...be careful about who you trust. But that doesn't mean you can't trust anyone," he said. I frowned, but before I could think of a reply his tires were rolling on the pavement and away from me, towards the airport. I sighed, defeated, but smiled ruefully.

He had never been one for heavy goodbyes.

O

"He's in his room. Don't make too much noise, Kankuro and I have to work tomorrow," Temari indicated. I had debated going straight back home but opted for giving Gaara a quick visit and inviting him to the Cinema on Friday.

"Kay, thanks Temari," I replied, infiltrating in until I reached his door. I knocked once, called out who it was and stepped in.

Gaara was lying down on the bed, still dressed and reading some heavy-looking book I wouldn't have gone two feet near with the intention to learn.

"Hey Gaara, do you...woah." I stared at his face. It was the first time I had seen him without the eyeliner and the difference was truly startling. His face seemed less aggressive. More..._human_. The lack of eyebrows was more attention-catching, a lack of colour in his face. And then there were the bags under his eyes, luggage fit for a thousand Pop Stars.

"Dude, don't you _sleep?"_ I demanded, walking closer to him. He looked so haggard without the make-up, the black mask. Not that he really needed it under his eyes; they were shadowed enough.

Gaara looked at me impassively. "Yes. Just not at night, much."

"Not at night? You don't sleep at night? Any night? Are you like, what, nocturnal?" The questions rattled one after the other off my tongue. Gaara sighed, put the book down.

"I have insomnia. I can't sleep when I want to. So I don't try to anymore."

A little speechless, I walked over to his bed and sat down beside him, looking at his form, spread upon the mattress.

"So...what do you do all night?" I asked, curios. He shrugged.

"What do you do in the day at home? I draw, I read, I listen to music. Watch movies...make things."

I looked around his room again, and noticed all the self-made things with a fresh view. The bottles filled with sand, the figurines, the paintings, the moulds and clay lumps.

"Woah. That's crazy. Don't you get tired?" I asked. He closed his eyes and in that moment he did, he looked so tired I wouldn't have been surprised if he fell asleep and never woke up again.

"Sometimes," he said, and a like a tune or a note, a quote from a film cut through my thoughts.

_With insomnia, nothing is real.  
Everything is far away. Everything is a _

_copy of a copy of a copy._

I let silence settle, thinking about _not sleeping_. Not being _able_ to sleep. Not being allowed, by your own body. Trying all night and have your eyes burn with the ache for it but your mind still churning, thought after thought after copy of thought.

"Did you want something?" Gaara said, not rudely, but awakening me. For a second I stared, dazed at him and his pale and worn face.

"Huh? Oh! Yeah. Cinema, Friday, Atonement. Wanna come with me and some people from my school?" I asked. Gaara sighed a little. Smiled a little.

"Figures you would make friends so quickly. Wouldn't I be intruding?"

"Wouldn't_ I_?"

He snorted. "Fine." I grinned at his response.

"Great!" I looked at my watch. It was 11, already pretty late, considering I had school the next day. I imagined still having ten hours to go before having to go to school for a further eight hours and the very idea seemed so wearisome I had to drop it. I chatted a little as he listened before getting up and leaving him with his endless hourglass of time.

O

I sighed and shut my front door, leaning against it for a second, feeling the emptiness of the apartment before erasing it, thinking of Gaara and then Jiraiya and what he had said.

_But that doesn't mean you can't trust anyone._

I shook my head, going over to the speakers and choosing a song. Something modern and popular, I decided, steering me away from Jiraiya and his words and thoughts.

A slow, solitary electric guitar sounded from the speakers as I scooped up the gun and accessories, carrying them to an empty drawer in my room.

_Keep you in the dark  
You know they all pretend  
Keep you in the dark  
And so it all began_

The singer of 'The Pretender' started. The drums set the beat, guitar roughening. I shoved the gun away, enclosed it in the darkness of the small compartment.

_Send in your skeletons  
Sing as their bones come marching in...again  
They need you buried deep  
The secrets that you keep are at the ready  
Are you ready?_

I dug the palm of my hands into my eyes, pressing. The box in my mind keeping my demons away from my tongue was bursting, pressing against the sides of my head.

_I'm finished making sense  
Done pleading ignorance  
That whole...defense  
_I shed my T-shirt and trousers, kicking them away tiredly. I entered the bathroom, stared at myself in the dimmness. I hadn't turned on the light, not even switched it back on in the living room so that the only leaking in was from the kitchen. The face that stared back at me was covered and deformed by shadows. _  
Spinning infinity, boy  
The wheel is spinning me  
It's never-ending, never-ending  
Same old story  
_I would escape this. My life wasn't going to be a runway forever, I thought to myself. Convinced myself. _  
What if I say I'm not like the others?  
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays  
You're the pretender  
What if I say I will never surrender?  
_This was me, and I always made it through, through dumb luck or determination._  
In time our soul untold  
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well_

In the darkness of the mirror there was a smile. I washed my teeth quickly, thinking, listening._  
I'm the voice inside your head  
You refuse to hear  
I'm the face that you have to face  
Mirrored in your stare  
So who are you?_

I took a deep breath, stepped out of the bathroom with a fresh mouth. I would have to keep these secrets from my newfound friends. I would have to dig my skeletons deeper. Who I had been, it was someone who I wanted to forget._  
Yeah, who are you?  
Yeah, who are you?  
Yeah, who are you?  
_I turned off the kitchen light and the apartment was plunged in darkness except the bed-side lamp light filtering in from my bedroom. The music slowed and in the gloom, time seemed to do the same. I stepped into my room and the beat picked up again._  
Keep you in the dark  
You know they all pretend  
What if I say I'm not like the others?  
(Keep you in the dark)  
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays  
(You know they all... pretend)  
You're the pretender  
What if I say I will never surrender?  
_I slipped into my covers, listened to the song finish. When ended the MP3 would turn off itself._  
So who are you?  
Yeah, who are you?  
Yeah, who are you?_

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep in the sudden silence, only the eerie noises of my mind keeping me company. It was warm, the atmosphere heavy. How much air was on top of me? I wondered. How much stuff was weighing me down as the planet flew through space, loop after loop after loop. No wonder the world was crazy dizzy all the time.

It was hard to drift off when concentrating too hard on sleeping, but the more I distracted myself the more futile I found it was. Tossing and turning didn't help. Humming, counting, story-telling, list-making. Finally, I got up. I crossed the smooth floor of my hushed room, only the distant sounds of a police car and dogs barking slipped in, from the foreign world know as _outside._ I opened the drawer and pulled out the bullets, then the gun, surprisingly light on the hand but as cold as always. The lack of warmth had always seemed a mockery to me, as if to display its status as an inanimate object, its lifelessness, to warn me that any murder would be blamed on nothing but the wielder. I turned on a blue lamp in my living room, woke up my MP3, chose a song. An introduction of calm guitar and bass. I sat down on the floor, placed the gun on the coffee table, the bullets next to it.

_These ideas are nightmares to white parents_

It started.

Slowly, methodically, I clicked the gun open and loaded it. Someone, past the rapping, was shouting on the sidewalk. A drunk, or a realist.

_In the land of the killers, a sinner's mind is a sanctum  
Holy or unholy, only have one homie  
Only this gun, lonely cause don't anyone know me_

I didn't admire the gun, I surveyed it. Stared at it. Took it in. This piece of metal was my defence? It seemed impossible, but I knew how wrong that idea could be. How serious this little..._toy_, _murderer, _was. How angry and loud and burning it could be. The low light threw its shadow across the room, hitting things, hiding them. What would they do, the people of that school, if I showed them this? This is what I need, I would say, to keep myself alive. This miserable gun.

What do you have?

I leaped up, put the safety on, shoved it into another drawer in the living room.

I couldn't sleep with that thing in my room.

_Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives  
Till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die  
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe  
We're nothin' to you but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes  
That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and  
hold it_

I clenched my eyes shut. I was shaking. When had I started to shake?

_C'mon, sing with me, sing, sing for the years  
Sing it, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, c'mon)  
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you  
away..._

A drum, an electric guitar, me and the gun. Those were the only things left in the world at that moment. In the darkness I grinned, even when the music stopped and still there was some residue echoes in my mind.

I didn't care. The point was, I was going to make it. And if I didn't, if I didn't, I was taking _him_ under with me.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

**A/N**

Oh, the elusive _him_ again. You're going to hate my intestines, I actually wrote who _him_ was but seeing as so many people were guessing I erased it to keep the suspense going.

Love ya!

That insomnia quote from a film, I will give a mutherloving huge ninjabread cookie to who can tell me what movie it's from...without googling it you cheeky little sea monkeys. Those cookies actually exist by the way. They're full of additives and make you go off-the-walls hyper until your eyes attain super-ninja powers and you can spazz your bosses and teachers with them. Like- ZAP sucker.

...Anywho, I have something to ask of you, which some of you have already taken the incentive to doing (Thankyouverymuch to them). I want you to share your music with me. I don't care if it's a mile long list or just OMJESUS this is the _best song_** EVA! **If you can, just follow my example and style it like: **Song- Composer**, **The Scientist- Coldplay, **that way I can just nab it and shove it into youtube and groove away. It's a really good exercise, actually, to note down all the songs that you really like. Now I keep a list and every time I hear a song that suits the story I write it down.

Don't feel pressured though, I'm not going to spite reviews which don't have music, but honestly, I'll accept everything happily, even if it's just the pokemon song. You better believe that one is turning up, as well as the ghostbusters theme.

Ok, just slot in _ghost busters theme_ into youtube and watch the first video, that is some Class A entertainment. Actually, read the comments also. I swear on my dog that youtube commenters are some of the most retarded people on the face of this planet.

**Ex1**: Wow they are ugly and has problems

Says the grammar deficient alien.

**Ex2**: Did you guys jerk each﻿ other off after this poor poor excuse of a gay porn?

Ok, W

T

F.

Gay porn!? Lol, seriously, I think I just lost faith in the human race. People that sad should just be denied swimming lessons and when Global Warming strikes we can just happily watch them go.

Hmm...and people wonder why I'm denied a job at human rights.

Right, review, or denied swimming lessons you will be.


	7. 6: Live Wire

_Atonement Soundtrack (Briony)_

_Duelling Guitars- August Rush Soundtrack _

_Pachelbel's Canon in D major_

_Juicebox- the strokes_

_Fool- Cat power_

_MakeDamnSure- Taking Back Sunday_

_**Shiver**_

_Six: Live Wire_

As was usual of my careless manner, Gaara and I were the last ones to reach the mall. We had taken the bus together, conversing steadily during the trip. Gaara had opened up to me a surprising amount throughout our short friendship. Not in the sense that he talked about himself, his past or his problems. Instead, however, I visually sense the walls he let down when we hung together.

"Woah, nice place you got here," I complimented as I saw the huge modern-looking structure that was our destination.

"Largest mall in Konoha," my redheaded companion simply replied. The insides were decorated with post-modern art; coloured sheep walking on the walls, giant concrete ladybugs as seats, models of fish hanging from the ceiling. I was impressed and amused at once.

"Hey, it's Naruto. Naruto! Over here!" I heard Kiba's voice say and we looked up to see him leaning dangerously over the banister, grinning and waving. I nodded and pulled Gaara towards the escalators. Throughout the bus trip I had described everybody to Gaara so he would have an idea of people's name before they were properly introduced, which took place once we reached them, gathered outside the cinema area.

"About time, man. Shino and Sasuke are going to burst a vessel over there," Kiba commented as we joined the team.

I laughed and, spotting Sasuke, waved at him. He glared at me then turned away.

Charming guy, really.

"Sorry guys. And hey, this is Gaara." Names were exchanged as we trudged into the main room of the cinema complex. Gaara and I bought our tickets whilst everybody confirmed that, yes, Choji was still buying sweets. As we entered the viewing hall I pulled Sasuke beside me and chatted to him whilst we sat down. Gaara was nodding to something Hinata was saying beside him. It seemed she was also doing Art in A level. I made a mental note of the fact as I overheard their conversation. It would be interesting to see Hinata's work.

The cinema was hushed into silence as the movie started.

The first thing, as always, that struck me, was the music. From the first note, the air was tight in my chest. I listened as it mixed with the sounds of the typewriter; life and creation and music all at once.

I was entranced.

I wasn't one for romance in movies. I wasn't even big on movies overall, if they didn't have a respectable soundtrack. But for me, as I watched the film, it barely had a story-line. It was simply one striking visual after another; symbol followed by symbol. The rape scene in the darkness, the deformed, the beach where horses were killed and men fought; a land of madness. In the distance one of the soldiers hung from the Ferris Wheel.

But what struck me the most was the scene when the sister, Briony, confronted the people whose lives she had ruined and was shot down from the star. Demoralised, humiliated, unforgiven. And in the end it had been of her imagining. That punishment...her mind had conjured that. Even in her thoughts, she was not redeemed from her mistakes.

It was then when I felt cold inside my skin, as the haunting music played, those mourning strings that ripped at me.

I wondered if I would end up like that. A person driven insane to the point of medical memory loss from the pressure of my sins. Because if I were to imagine redemption, it would be for those I wronged, whilst my demons and me were driven from the land of the calm and into the war the mind can create on its own.

When the lights turned on I found that when I tried to get up, my hand was clutching the material on Gaara's arm. For some strange reason, despite the heat, he wore long-sleeved t-shirts. And it wasn't because he was self-harming. I had checked.

I looked at his green eyes, staring at me without question, without curiosity. They simply held an acceptance that was flat and uncomplicated. For a second my finger's tightened over maroon before they let go.

"That was crap!" Kiba complained as we stepped outside. "I can't believe I wasted money on that. It was slow and for sissies. Wasn't it supposed to be a war film? Nothing even blew up," he muttered. I chuckled, shaking my head at him.

"You have no taste, Kiba," Ino snorted. To my surprise, Hinata also piped up.

"I-I liked it," she offered shyly. I grinned at her and as she spotted me her blush magnified.

"What did you think?" I asked, nudging Gaara. He shrugged.

"The music was good." At the comment, my smile amplified and I slung an arm around his shoulders as we walked towards the McDonalds inside the mall.

"Gaara, you're a man after my own heart," I gushed laughingly. Gaara rolled his eyes.

"Dude, you sound so gay," Kiba pointed out. I looked at him, shrugging.

"Well, I'm bi." Everybody stopped talking and looked at me, halting besides the fast-food area's tables.

"Oh...er...right. Sorry," Kiba stuttered. "No offence meant. I'm not like, homophobic or anything. I was just kidding," he stumbled. That was people's main reaction. It was as if I had admitted my parents were dead, or that I had some disease. I didn't mind though. It was part of me and I made a point of treating it casually.

"Don't sweat it. Are we getting some food or what?" I prompted. Everybody nodded and agreed, Hinata stuttering something, looking quite pale, until she gave up and sighed. As we moved forwards again, having detached myself from Gaara, it was Ino who was now putting her arm around Hinata as they conversed lowly.

As we sat down with our food, I took an opportunity to notice how...nice hanging out with my, I guess, new friends was. Everybody seemed to be included, even Gaara who was talking to Shikamaru who, in turn, seemed quite into the conversation, surprisingly enough. I was taking turns in pestering Sasuke and having food-eating competitions with Kiba, joining in with the fray of noise and motion.

I took a moment, a lull in time, to look around the talking, cheering, laughing group. It was strange for me, to be so united with a group of people because, despite having a tendency to be attracted to people, to talk to them and connect with them, my prior situation and inner turmoil had often prevented any connections to be made. It was as if despite my wanting to become friends, there was some part of me that made them reject me, and it, in turn, despised them.

But now...it was different. Not the people, but the city. A place of my earlier years, before the accident, before everything red begun. By finding old memories in Sakura and Sasuke it was like I was reviving a more innocent, at-peace side of me that soothed me. Even Gaara seemed to be peeking out of his shell as if me being there was all it took for the door to be opened.

I smiled, in that moment, even though there was a sense of sadness inside me. Because every time I gained something I was in danger of losing it.

"Sasuke, Sasuke!" I said, and as he looked at me I blew the paper over my straw into his face. His eye twitched.

It didn't matter if I could lose this. As long as I had it now.

**OoO**

The weeks passed quickly in school. One day it was Monday and between hanging out and homework and music lessons, it was already Friday. 'Team Kakashi' was making a good headway with the research, taking buses in our frees or after school to different parts of Konoha and taking photographs or making sketches, writing down all we could find out about the place. It was always my job to ask local people questions. Mostly they were trivial, such as 'do you like working here?' and 'how would you feel if you moved away?' and 'does the air smell nice in this area?'

I looked forward to those small escapades with Sakura and Sasuke. She was less flirty and he was less reserved and I was a little calmer and more honest because it was like we didn't belong anywhere in those moments, as we discovered the old secrets of Konoha. We weren't property of our past or our shredded and worn and tired skin. I was never quite sure what my teammates were thinking, but often I let things slip and they didn't tease or question me. When I cured my headache with music or said 'I can't go in there, I can't, it makes me feel sick' even though it was only a small fair with no strong smells or noises or difficult rides, just a museum with windows to when I was twelve, they simply moved on and away. We talked and got to know each other better and, even though it may have been on a basic level, it was important to know each other's habits and learn to read the expression off our eyes.

One of the best moments in the week, however, was when I had a free and the studio was open and unoccupied so that I could go down, with Kakashi's permission, and work on whatever I had pending, or simply compose things on my own with mostly the program 'Cubase studio 4' which had artificial sounds and instruments which I could play with the octave-long keyboard. Sometimes the artificial sounds would make me slightly dizzy because it sounded like they were saying _liar liar liar_. But then I would just lean back and close my eyes and blank my mind except for the real violins in my head.

Sometimes in those voluntary hours in the studio I would be alone, my eyes glued to the screen or in the soundproof room, not being able to record but simply playing an instrument, mostly the beautiful grand piano. But other times Sasuke would also join me, which showed his dedication and/or liking of the subject. Most of the time we would work in silence, each to our own, even my own mouth shut in concentration. But sometimes we would work together, doing guitar battles; one strumming something and the other one following until we had built up a duet.

And so late October was reached and nothing interesting had happened. No alien abductions or revolutions or floods. It was, once again, already Friday and Sasuke and I were down in the studio, spending a free on our compositions as we waited for Sakura. She was supposed to go down when her lesson, elongated because of a mock exam, ended. We would head to a cafe of my choice for research purposes after that.

"This is so _boring_," I exclaimed suddenly, shoving my head phones to my neck and leaning back on the swivelling chair. The composition I was working on had to mirror a few bars in Pachelbel's Canon and the lack of originality was simply frustrating me, even if the song was beautiful.

Sasuke, who was doing some theory and so had no headphones on, threw me a glance before getting back to work. Seeing his disinterest, I pouted. We had grown much more comfortable with each other, something only gained with little but time.

"Sasuke! Heeeelp meeee!" I whined in a mousey voice, leaning back ever further on my chair as I lifted an arm, hand clutching at the air as if I were drowning. Sasuke snorted and sighed but I could see the smile, disguised wittingly like a smirk, on his lips.

"Dobe, I'm trying to work," he retorted, but I could tell he wasn't even concentrating anymore. I flopped in my seat.

"Yeah and that's boring as well. I can't do theory to save my life," I muttered. "Now come here and give me a hand so this will go quicker!" I demanded of him. Another sighed snort sounded.

"No."

"Why not!?"

"Because I have better stuff to do."

I growled. "Too good are you?"

"Yes, that's right," he said sarcastically. I frowned at him for a moment before a smirk bloomed on my face.

"Oh, I know, you're too big headed to help poor old Naruto. Sasuke must be too..._sexy_ to bother with the likes of me." I saw him look up in weary surprise before I put the keyboard in simple play mode and the speakers on instead of the headphones and started playing the simply backtrack to 'Too Sexy'. I took a breath and smiled widely.

_He's too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his shirt  
So sexy it hurts_

I sang in a mock-deep voice, throwing him a catty look. Sasuke look startled for a moment before sighing heavily. _  
And he's too sexy for Naruto too sexy for Naruto  
His work and his play_

"Naruto..." he started, but I cut him off, really getting into it as I held back laughter. _  
And he's too sexy for your party  
Too sexy for your party  
No way he's disco dancing!_

An image of Sasuke in a shiny purple spandex suit, accessorised with large, pink-diamond sunglasses and doing the thrusting disco move of pelvis-forward-elbows-back came to my mind and I almost howled with laughter.

"Fine, Naruto-"_  
He's a model you- know what I mean  
And he does a little turn on the catwalk  
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah  
he does a little turn on the catwalk!_

"Naruto shut up and-"

_Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah  
he shakes his little tush on the catwalk_

I laughed. I heard him growl but ignored him.

_He's too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat  
Poor pussy poor pussy cat  
He's too sexy for my love too sexy for-_

"Naruto!" he exclaimed, stilling my hands, having rolled on his seat towards me. I turned to him innocently.

"Yes?"

His eye twitched.

"Fine. I'll help you," he ground out. I mocked surprise.

"Well, Sasuke, if you insist!"

He rolled his eyes but listened to me as I explained my problems, nodding. When I was done I moved my seat so that the back of it was at my side in order to allow viewing to Sasuke so he could instruct me. He had other plans, however. Instead of letting me control the mouse, he leaned in so that his chest was flush against my back, grabbing the mouse himself. I stiffened in complete surprise, eyes widening, heart beating much quicker. The sudden contact made little sense. Usually, Sasuke had a ten foot personal-space bubble, armed with invisible laser guns and rabid dogs, more commonly known as fangirls. Throughout the almost two months I had spent with him I had had to intrude into his safety-zone little by little.

"Look, dobe, right here..." I couldn't even concentrate. I could feel it when he talked, a thrumming against the muscles in my back. My God, it was so hot in the room. Why didn't I lean forwards? My brain wasn't working.

That was the only explanation.

"Naruto? Are you even listening?" Sasuke rumbled, head over my shoulder, and I though, _I would be, if the song 'Juicebox' wasn't invading my head. Damn music video._

'_Waiting for some action  
Waiting for some action  
Oh but why won't you come over here?'_

I moved my head to the side and my lips brushed across his cheeks. I could feel him tense against me in an instant, feel every part that pressed against him, but neither of us moved. The air was thick and heavy and charged and I couldn't _think. _

"_No,_" I whispered and my own breath bounced back to me against his skin as I practically mouthed the word against his cheek. I heard him take a small inhalation which I wouldn't have noticed if we were any farther apart, making the closeness that much more intimate. Through no fault of my own and completely due to my defeated brain cells, I started moving my face further sideways, brushing my lips against his pale skin towards his ear. I could have sworn I felt him shiver before the door to the studio was thrown open.

We jolted apart like two same-end magnets. I could feel the blood race to my face as my head was filled with screaming thoughts of which the majority were '_WHAT were you DOING?'_

"Man, it's getting a little bit chilly out there. This room is nice and warm," Sakura said, closing the door. I got up abruptly, collecting my things and closing the program and stuttering even though I wasn't saying anything. When I turned around Sasuke was looking away, piling his papers coolly whilst Sakura looked at me curiously.

"You guys must be really hot in here, with all the machines," she commented, sitting down to wait for us. I flushed harder.

"No! Nothing's hot!" I nearly shouted. Sakura leaned away from me, looking startled.

"...You're all red."

I glanced at Sasuke who had turned, and saw that his cheeks were slightly rosy as well.

"No-no, it's, you're right, a little warm in here. So, how did the exam go?" I asked desperately. I just wanted to forget that had ever happened, that pressure against my back, and the softness against my lips, the anticipation of reaching his earlobe and catching it between my teeth to make him-

I groaned in my head. Oh God. _Stop thinking. _

For a few seconds Sakura watched me, eyes searching my face before sighed, apparently deciding not to comment on my obvious change of subject and overall weirdness.

"Fine, I guess. We had to..."

I tried to listen to Sakura, to calm my heart as we stepped outside and headed out the school, but the air around me was hypersensitive to Sasuke and I felt like a fool for not having pulled away, and yet at the same time regretted Sakura's timed entrance. I had to let it go. I couldn't talk to Sasuke about it, even if I wanted.

_Come along Fool  
A direct hit of the senses you are disconnected  
It's not that it's bad, it's not that it's death  
It's just on the tip of your tongue, and you're so silent_

I sighed at the lyrics in my head, savouring the fresh air.

Why was it always Sasuke that made me feel so 'disconnected'? Like a live wire thrashing, ready to electrocute anything in its path.

OoO

We entered into the little cafe, pleased with the warmth of it. 'Been Around The World' cafe was a quirky place, with the counter and display on one corner and small tables cramped across the floor, stools propped against the extended window-ledge where you could also settle yourself with drinks or food. The walls were a mosaic of pictures of dead artists and curious sights and recipes. There was a signed poster of superman on one wall and another of some sportsman I didn't know. But the best thing about the place, apart from the good drinks, was the music. No heavy dance or R'n'B or radio commoners, but a mix of, not rare music, but to my taste nonetheless, such as Coldplay or The Killers.

We settled down on one of the tables, taking off our jumpers and out the papers that we needed as we eyed the ordering menu on the wall.

"This is really nice!" Sakura complimented, tying up her hair in a pony-tail. I looked around, nodding.

"Yeah, my parents used to take me here when I was little, especially after shows and stuff if they didn't run too late," I said, feeling an inevitable pan of nostalgia deep in my chest, but I smiled nevertheless.

We ordered our drinks, a spicy hot chocolate for me, an orange and banana smoothie for Sakura and a strong coffee for Sasuke, and took out our pens for the casual work needed for the project. Sasuke was the best at drawing out of all of us and so he positioned himself in a good angle and started sketching quickly as Sakura and I asked a few questions; The best drink, how long it had been standing, the closing and opening hours. I was left with that task after a while and Sakura, after asking permission, took a couple of photographs, having a natural talent to get the right light and position.

We were simply sitting down, shuffling through papers and comparing notes whilst we chatted easily when there was a sudden clatter of plates or glasses from the serving corner, followed by an exclamation of surprise. The few people in the cafe looked up towards the commotion to see an old woman looking straight at me. I frowned a little in confusion as her eyes widened against mine, wrinkles accentuated by the movement. She opened her mouth and said incredulously

"Minato?!"

My heart sunk right to my feet, stuttering. I didn't recognise the woman. I knew my parents had been friends with the people serving, but as I had seen a young staff the few times I had visited the cafe alone after re-joining Konoha at the start of summer, I had simply assumed the staff had changed. I had obviously only been partly right.

"N-no. No, I'm not Minato," I strained. My teammates were staring from me to the woman and back again. I just wanted a quiet afternoon. Why was everything being so _difficult_?

"Don't fool me, boy! I would recognise those eyes anywhere!" she stated loudly, walking towards our table with a surprisingly strong gait, considering her apparent age. I froze in my seat, not knowing how to react from her accusations.

"What's going on? Chiyo?" a deeper but just as weathered voice called from the opened staff-only door. It was an old man this time, with a strange turban on his head and eyes so heavy they appeared to be closed.

"Ebizo, it's that brat Minato!" Chiyo said and seeing who she was referring to, Ebizo sighed and stepped through the door completely, walking towards us. Everybody was staring and I fidgeted, feeling distinctly uncomfortable.

"That's not possible. Look how young he is. Minato would be obviously older. And he's already dead. Are you going senile?" the old man asked, almost mocking. Chiyo turned back in my direction and for a few long seconds stared at me. Instead of protesting she suddenly threw her head back and laughed in loudly, making even Sasuke flinch slightly in surprise.

"I was kidding!" she exclaimed. I gaped at her. Was she serious?

"What the hell kinda humour is that?" I muttered crossly. Going up to me and reminding me about my dead father was not my idea of funny. Ebizo sighed again, throwing me what appeared to be an apologetic look, buried underneath the wrinkles. I shrugged.

"So you must be the brat's brat, Naruto," she squinted at me.

"Yeah..." I said, frowning at her. I could see Sakura shifting in her seat from the corner of my eyes and wished my two companions had not witnessed Chiyo's little revelation, for some reason. It simply seemed to dredge up the past, a subject I in no way wanted uncovered.

"And what about these two puppets? Who are you?" she asked my teammates. Startled, Sakura sat up straighter.

"Erm, I'm Sakura," she said hesitantly under the scrutinizing eyes of Chiyo, who then turned to the 3rd member of the party.

"Sasuke Uchiha," he said shortly. Chiyo smiled, skin pulling around her lips.

"Some friends you have there. A pretty girl and an Uchiha," she said. I frowned. What did she mean 'an Uchiha'? Sakura flushed at the compliment.

"Well, we have to go. Come on you senile old woman, leave the kids alone," Ebizo said. With one last look and not even a goodbye the old woman turned around, muttering about 'youth these days' as she walked out of the room through the staff door.

There was a moment of silence as the music became clear throughout the cafe,

_Scissor shaped across the bed, you are red, violent red."  
You hollow out my hungry eyes  
You hollow out my hungry eyes_

I smiled sheepishly at Sasuke and Sakura who were both looking at me, the latter a little more discreetly. Everybody else was turning back to their previous amusement; conversation and work in the same breath.

"I...erm, I'm sorry about- I didn't know about your dad," Sakura said hesitantly. I glanced at her in faint surprise. I had thought that all my primary class had known by one means or another, but it seemed that hadn't been the case. It wasn't something young children took notice of in any case; death was grown-up talk. I guessed that the only reason Sasuke had known, or taken time to remember, was because he had been in the same, isolating position.

"Oh...yeah, both my parents died in a car accident when I was little..." I said, giving her a small smile. She stared at me, and then down to her lap, hunching into herself a little. I frowned in concern, not having meant to upset her.

"Hey, it was a long time ago," it almost tasted like a lie, that empty comfort, "I'm ok now." I patted her on the shoulder and glanced at Sasuke for a little help, but he was just staring stoically at both of us.

"No, it's not...I just, I'm starting to realise how little I- we- know about you," she looked up to me and I leaned away, back to my seat.

"Well, I mean, it's not like its casual conversation information, is it? I mean...'hey, my parents are dead, how's yours?' doesn't really sound great," I laughed even though my voice seemed to fall flat. Sakura flushed, shaking her head.

"I know, I'm sorry. But...you know you can trust us, right?" she said, staring at me suddenly with those clear green eyes. My jaw clenched in response. That question was a lot more complicated than it seemed. "Right Sasuke?" she asked him. I turned to Sasuke, torn between wanting him to say yes and pleading for a no.

"...dobe," he said lowly, but his eyes didn't leave mine. I sighed and grinned, scratching the back of my head.

I _did _trust them. Deep down, I knew I could. But right now...them knowing everything would just be a problem that would hurt us both. If they knew about my past, they would view me differently, I was sure of that. Not because they were bad or judging people, but that's the way the human mind works. A picture is painted stroke by stroke, and once a line is added, you can't erase it.

"Right," I said, neither a positive or a negative, but I felt as if I should compensate in some way. I took a breath. "Well...how about this. I know we've shown each other the places we like and all, but how about our most intimate place? In all Konoha, is there somewhere that you've always, like, seen as yours?" I suggested. They both looked at me questioningly but slowly Sakura nodded.

"Yeah actually...I do," she admitted, eyes looking thoughtful and far away for a moment. I smiled.

"Would it be a big deal to show us?" I asked. She looked at me.

"Yeah." There was a smile on her lips.

"So would mine. But I'll do it if you do," I stated and we both smiled at each other before turning to Sasuke wordlessly. For a second he simply looked at us before his eyes averted and he nodded.

We grinned.

Trust could be shown in many ways. I would never reveal my secret place to anyone I expected to leave or be left by...and that in itself was a concession of a secret.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A/N

Thanks as always goes to Leta 'Every Dog Will Have Its Day' and my reviewers, who are all stars. And one special thanks to an Anonymous comment on the prologue; Whoever you are, you beautiful person, I loved your comment. Samson, by Regina Spektor! You legend, how did I not think of that!?

Well, I hope you all liked this chapter. I don't. I bloody well hate it. It reads awkwardly for me, like someone trying to play a nice song on an out-of-tune piano. Yukyukyuk.

But what the hell, please review. I've had one hell of a shitty week. Except yesterday. I'll mention this cause its music; went to see Killer Queen and bloody hell do they sound like Queen. My friends and I were like O.o wah! Anyone who likes Queen- go see Killer Queen, it will be the closest thing you'll get to a concert by the actual band. Expect some 'Under Pressure' grooving in this story. :D

Well, have a nice week everybody! Review my tired old recycled student soul.

_Why can't we give love give love GIVE love give love give love give love give love give love?_


	8. 7: World of your creation

_Otherside- Red Hot Chilli Peppers _

_Pure Imagination- Willy Wonka_

_Hallelujah- Pick one of the many artists. I listen to Rufus Wainwright _

_First Place!- Chris Garneau (You probably won't be able to find this song anywhere but...check out the artist. His music is very nice. In his song, 'Castle-time', there's a line that always reminds me of Jiraiya...)_

_Toorimichi (Road to Somewhere)- Spirited Away OST_

_Cold Water- Damien Rice_

_**Shiver**_

Seven: World of your creation

We didn't give ourselves time to gather strength our courage, no leeway for an excuse not to share our most precious places. And it was frightening. Maybe people who didn't have to retreat as much as I did, or did not hold as many memories in one secret place, wouldn't be able to understand. But uncovering that location was like telling someone something that could never be undone. Every time I wanted to disappear and be alone, they would know where to find me. So, on a cloudy Wednesday when none of us had something on, Sakura took us to her secret. 

OoO

"Oh, shi-, oof!" We toppled out of the bus and unto the sidewalk, Sasuke the only managing to step off neatly out of the already closing door, the impatient driver practically taking off with us still on. 

"Er, right. It's this way," she pointed, pulling at her large, knitted jumper that draped over her, open necked so her collar-bones were on show. Combined with the skinny jeans she was wearing, Sakura had been telling me off all day for flirting with her, winding my arm aound her waist in the school halls and practically fluttering my eyelashes a her in a joking manner, even though she seemed to enjoy the attention a lot more when Ino was around. I had figured out that everything was a competition with the two of them, even for the things neither of them wanted.

Sasuke, on the other hand, had been especially quiet. My best guess of what was troubling him was that if Sakura revealed her place, then we would have no reason to back down anymore. No excuse to not return the favour. 

We only had to walk a couple of minutes before we reached a small, one-person gate. My chatter seemed to die down as we passed through it and onto a path so overgrown it could perfectly well be call hidden as we ventured through trees, avoiding being scratched by shedding bushes and low branches as trees bent, crooked and old. When we finally exited the small wood it was to step onto a grassy, muddy field. It outstretched forwards, plain and almost ugly, up in a hill, making whatever was on the other side invisible to us except Sakura, who held the image in her mind. 

We paused at the sight and Sakura turned to us as we looked back, me grinning, Sasuke with his well-worn stoic expression. He tilted his chin slightly forwards in an encouraging moment as she hesitated and I nodded as well, catching her eyes. We were a team, in that moment, not only at school but in the bonds that we were slowly creating. 

With only a wordless sigh she started forwards, leaving the pair of us to trudge by her side. The overcast sky cast a shadow over everything, a threatening grey that made the moment seem more morose instead of dull. The air was fresh and crisp, waiting for rain, and the wind was picking up speed, as if in crescendo for some grand finale. 

I took out my MP3 player, clicking-in a multi-headphone piece and untangling and fumbling with the three earphones until they were all connecting. I looked up to see I was lagging behind slightly and had to trot onwards to catch up. I squeezed myself in between the two of them, and handed both of them one of the two extra-long cables. With surprise and weariness respectively they took them and hesitantly put them on. I thought of what to put on and settled on something popular, to make sure they would both like it. 

_How long how long will I slide  
Separate my side I don't  
I don't believe it's bad  
Slit my throat  
It's all I ever..._

I looked at both of them, grinning as we starting climbing a more slanted area of the hill. Sakura smiled at me as if I had offered to hold her hand or given her a hug. Sasuke simply walked forwards without regarding me, but he didn't remove the music from his ears, and that was something. 

_  
Centuries are what it meant to me  
A cemetery where I marry the theif  
A Stranger thing that never changed my mind  
I've got to take it on the otherside  
Take it on the otherside  
Take it on  
Take it on  
_

The walk was longer than it seemed, as if we were in one of those dreams that no matter how much your walk forwards, you can't reach what you want, and slowly it keeps disappearing, disappearing, until right before you wake up you realise you were running the wrong way all alone. __

Turn me on take me for a wild ride  
Burn me out leave me on the otherside  
I yell and tell it that  
It's not my friend  
I tear it down I tear it down  
And then it's born again 

But this time that was just an illusion. We were getting closer, closer to the _otherside_. 

It was still mid-song as we finally reached the top.

Below lay a sort of valley, dotted with patches of lush grass and trees. I didn't know much, or anything at all, about agriculture or botany but as I looked down I saw there were trees that looked surprisingly like Sakura blossoms, but I knew that couldn't be, for they didn't grow in Konoha. The petals, however, were a light pink that almost reflected the colour of her hair, and fluttered easily to the ground, even though the branches were still clumped with flowers. Sakura took in a deep breath as the scene met us and I looked at her, smiling a little.

"Wow," I said and relief seemed to drip into her features, as if maybe she wouldn't have known what to do if we didn't find the scene as special as she did. 

Sasuke didn't say anything as we slid out way down into the land of the trees and blossomed flowers. I didn't even know if it was normal that the flowers were open, since it wasn't spring, but didn't really question it. The area was Sakura's space, and in my mind it was as if she could control what happened there. 

_We'll begin  
With a spin  
Traveling in  
The world of my creation  
What we'll see  
Will defy  
Explanation_

Sung the echoes of my mind, _Pure Imagination_. 

"This was...this was where my mum proposed to my dad," she said as we ventured into the middle of the sweet smelling bowl. A petal landed on Sasuke's black hair and, not noticing, he left it there. I smiled at it, so innocently posed. 

"Your mum proposed to your dad?" I asked. She laughed a little looking up into the pink. 

"A little unconventional, I know. But...well I guess it worked," she shrugged. "And well...My mum said that she didn't have a wedding dress to hand down, or a piece of jewellery or something like that, but she showed me this place and said that it was to be my secret. No one comes here and well," she blushed, looking at us, "she told me I could take the person I loved here." 

I didn't miss how her eyes flickered to Sasuke and I bet he didn't either. I suddenly felt very uncomfortable, like an intruder in a personal moment, and thought about how much more the moment would have meant to Sakura if I weren't present. Would they kiss? Would Sasuke pull her forwards and run his hands down her back, into her soft, long hair and press his lips to hers and lick the inside of her mouth? Would he moan for her? And I couldn't help but remember our almost-kiss, the moment in the studio as he pressed against me. The way my lips, with a mind of their own, had almost reached his ear. Would my tongue have darted out, would my teeth had nibbled there, or down his neck, pale and oh-so-vulnerable? 

My mind halted with a jolt. I felt all the blood practically run to my face and though I knew it would be an obvious sound of my discomfort, I thanked God it hadn't run anywhere else. 

Sakura seemed to notice the sudden awkwardness of the situation and she flushed harder. I didn't know how Sasuke would react and couldn't even bring myself to glance at him, fearing he would guess my thoughts with one single look.

"No- but, no. I mean, I want to show you guys because...well because I trust both of you. And I love both of you, the same," she added with a soft smile. I felt myself relaxing. She turned around to look around the place, familiarity as her expression. A touch of tenderness. 

"And Naruto...I know we weren't that close in primary, and that you've only been here for a couple of months but I feel that...instead of showing you this when we become close enough, this is sort of a start because I feel you're the kind of person that wouldn't betray me," she said, facing me again. I smiled back at her and stepped closer, drawing her into a hug. Her hair tickled my nose and I grinned. 

"Thanks, Sakura."

We spent the time walking around, Sakura and I climbing trees like twelve-year-olds, running around in games of chase and curiosity, pointing out wonders and laughing together whilst Sasuke sat at the base a tree, watching our adventures. The place inspired a sort of innocence, of possibilities. When Sakura finally sat down on a fallen trunk, exhausted giggles on her lips, I turned to Sasuke. He wasn't particularly _left _out, for that was how our team dynamics worked, but for once I wanted to see him get involved and interactive. With a wicked grin on my face I ran towards the boy, tackling his side so that with a shouted curse he toppled away. Sakura laughed in surprise and I think Sasuke was torn between not playing along and refusing to be defeated or submissive. He reacting to my incessant taunts, however, and struggled against me, grabbing a hold of the material around my neck and yanking sideways as we both tried to pin the other to the ground in an act of dominance. I laughed loudly as we rolled around on the damp grass with Sakura as a cheering spectator, uprooting the green with our digging heals and smearing our clothes and skin with mud until Sasuke managed to pin me down, one arm awkwardly bent under me and legs pinned by his. My other wrist was held down to the ground by his unyielding hand. 

"Give up," he ordered breathlessly. He was slightly flushed and his nose and right cheek was covered with dirt. He was so close. 

"Never!" I proclaimed, making Sakura, who had seated herself at a safe distance to watch the entertainment, laugh again. 

"Say mercy, dobe," he instructed again and I mock-glared at him, though my lips grinned anyways. Not one to give up, I struggled like an epileptic boy having a fit and finally reached around to his back and pulled sideways so that he fell away from me, on his back and beside me, landing on my arm. Instead of pinning him down, however, I simply lay there, looking at the branches and petals and leaves and waterlogged clouds. Sasuke fell limp beside me also as we both panted for air and he let out a breathy laugh. I grinned sideways as I heard it and leaped to my feet.

"I won!" I exclaimed, sticking my tongue out to him and laughingly running away as he reached for my ankle. I ran towards Sakura as she grinned back with gratitude and comfort in her eyes. 

"Don't be delusional, idiot," Sasuke said as he lay back down and I whispered _Denial!_ loudly at Sakura as I sat beside her. We rested for a while, enjoying the rustle of the trees and the creeping coldness. I looked up to the sky, however, as a drop hit my hand.

"Raining," I said and Sakura looked up as well.

"It getting dark as well. We better leave," she suggested. I nodded, smiling, and helped her up as Sasuke, having heard, tried to dust himself off quite inefficiently. Sakura and I both smiled as we saw his rumpled clothes and muddy hair and dirty skin. He caught our looks and wrinkled his nose in annoyance. The movement was so cute that I had to burst out laughing.

"Oh, shut up," he said, and started moving away at a slow pace, letting us catch up. We did, throwing one last look at the petals and tree-trunks and the bubble of Sakura's self, trudging uphill with a drizzle over us. Suddenly, however, the rain starting getting harder until it was full-out, large-dropped rain, drenching us at once. It made the grass slick and the mud bubble over until we were slipping in it as we climbed, shrieking with laughter as we supported each other. Even Sasuke's eyes were shining and his smirk more of a smile as our hands, raw from falling, held each other up. 

"Oh my God!" Sakura exclaimed as we reached the top and realised we practically had to slide our way back down. The mud was washing off my face and I had to push blond hair from my eyes constantly, my trousers uncomfortable and rough against my legs, my socks soaked through. Sakura walked heavily, her jumper so waterlogged it was stretching downwards. Sasuke had mud up to his thighs, having been splashed in it constantly by his falling companions, and his hair seemed blacker, if that were possible, bangs stuck to the side of his face and the rest of it longer than it usually looked, hanging in strands or clumped together against his neck and back and shoulder.

What a sight we were. 

And as we stumbled, almost ran, almost flew, down the hill, soft music was playing inside me behind the laughs,

_Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you  
She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah_

The rain was pounding down, making the world before us murky and hidden so that it was almost only us in the world, all other noise roared out. Sakura clutched our arms and said,

"Thank you, guys, honestly just...thanks," and even Sasuke smiled a little, so caught up in the moment we were as we left her place to herself behind. 

_Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you  
I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah_

OoO

Somehow it was decided, almost wordlessly, that Sasuke was up next, as if by it being my idea I had to go last. 

He was tense and snappy and quiet the whole day, but I didn't call him on it. I didn't back down from the normal taunts either, however, no matter how many looks Sakura gave me. I knew that acting strange or different would only highlight his own unsettled feelings and make things worse. 

So with my mouth going up and down and square and round, talking nonsense, we loaded on the bus and travelled to the partially-unknown destination. I didn't let Sasuke fester in his thoughts, distracting him constantly, even through his irritated glances and instructions to shut up. Even Sakura seemed to think I was doing no good but at least they were focused on me and not at whatever Sasuke was going to show us. 

The bus screeched to a stop and the three of us got out into the bright day. Even though it was almost November, all I was wearing was a thin long-sleeved shirt, rolled up to my elbows, loose jeans. The blue sky stretched over us, the sunlight and still slightly cool air acting as the perfect day. Too bad the mood in 'team Kakashi', as the teacher had so artfully called us, was so dark. 

I wasn't surprised at all when we finally reached a cemetery.

The scene was a lot less morbid than it seems in pictures, especially with the sunshine spilling down in bucketfuls and bucketfuls. 

A large, black steel gate introduced a rubble path that cut and branched through the land of the skeletons, lying in boxes as if to defy what nature intended; a natural joining with the earth. I had always mused on what a human concept it was. Taking without giving back. We take food from the planet, and yet don't return it as compost on the dirt. We dirty its water but we don't let it run its natural course. We live off its land but don't give our bodies to it when we need them no more. 

The cemetery was large, spanning over the top of the hill in neat rectangles of grass and slabs of marble which glinted in the brightness of the day. Moss was creeping on some of the names, almost erasing them as if a testifying force that all must be forgotten, all cured. 

Everybody in Konoha, and indeed in many other cities, knew of the Uchiha massacre. It was tragic and gory enough to capture people's natural morbid curiosity, and caused a great upheaval because Itachi Uchiha, the murderer, had not yet been caught. It was supposed that he had gone from house to house and apartment to apartment and killed every single Uchiha except the boy that was with us, in the place where they now lay, for the cemetery had a whole section for the Uchiha's, built after their deaths. We were all terribly, coldly quiet as we walked though the place, so cheery looking, so green and _alive_ that I couldn't help but feel a little angry in Sasuke's behalf. We passed a fenced off section, divided with thin, long, black bars. There was another gate, leading to the Uchiha section, I guessed, for the entrance was branded by their old symbol from the days of the ninjas, a paper fan, that though fragile in itself can draw a hidden strength and be used to fan flames. But if the fan became too ambitious and neared the fames it, too, would be consumed.

Maybe that was what had happened to Itachi. 

To my surprise, however, we did not enter Sasuke's section of the land, but kept going forwards. Neither Sakura or I said anything, just kept walking forwards, forwards, until the path derailed and we were stepping in between some scattered trees until the road led us into a forest. As we went forwards I couldn't stop thinking about Sasuke, and how very sad it was that one person had a whole side of a cemetery to themselves. I could empathise with him. I knew how itfeels like to sleep one night and then wake up with not only two parents dead, but a whole family, a whole world.

How did one get over that?

And I remembered what he had said when Kakashi had asked us what our dreams were. 

_...the word dream is useless. I have an ambition, and that is to capture and condemn one man to the death sentence._

I guess you can't get over something until you let yourself. 

I smiled coldly to myself as around us the leaves blocked the sunlight, making the air colder, the noises more pronounced. I knew how it was to crash into a reality you wished you didn't exist in. But I didn't keep that alive with marble and grass. I preserved it with the twisted notes in my mind. 

Onwards and onwards we went, and I could imagine Sasuke escaping from the cemetery, running, running, running away from all the ghosts that don't let you give up, don't let you rest. Running through the forest like an animal from a fire, the fire that consumes all Uchiha's in the end. The fire of ambition. 

I played only one song for Sasuke that walk. 

_You have killed them  
And you don't know why  
Your lips, they move  
And they only lie  
_The song was slow but almost more upbeat than it should have been. _  
Your house is white  
It's got nice things inside  
When you are through  
You'd better run and hide  
In awe, in awe..._

This bridge came down, girls and boys  
We will rid of you and of your dangerous toys  
Like botherlike sun and so  
On and so forth, in awe, in awe...  
The singer trailed off in repetition. _  
But we, we will win first place!  
And you, we'll never tell you how  
But you shoulda known by now_

And as the three of us walked, Chris tatarated in our ear and I thought, _how would a gun sound if it sung?_

You have killed them

He mourned. _  
And you don't know  
You don't know why  
Keep it down  
It's no big news, you know?  
You know... _

We were all breathing a little hard, especially Sasuke, though I guessed it wasn't mainly because of exertion, when we started slowing down. I fazed out of my thoughts to take real notice of our surroundings. 

The area seemed to give the impression that we were completely and totally isolated from the world. The sounds were muffled by the leaves and wood surrounding us in the slight groom, the air pleasant and rich and musty with the odour of fresh soil and decomposing leaves. The trees were thicker in the hidden part of the forest, creeping with thick moss and crawling vines. The path had virtually disappeared with untrodden grass and small, white and purple flowers dotting the ground. Suddenly, Sasuke stopped, making Sakura and I halt with him. We both looked at him from behind, but he simply stood there for over a minute as we waited patiently, all the little chirps and creaks and rustles and calls becoming apparent in our stillness. And in that same quiet we heard Sasuke's intake of breath and then he turned to his right and we dodged trunks and bushes until we reached a small clearing, though that may have been too spacious a description.

What Sasuke had taken us to was a small area ringed by thick, curling, twisted trees. It was small and mostly covered by bushes and small plants. But in the middle was a great, imposing tree that reached upwards, farther than the other trees, branching in two sections and filtering the sunlight so it was green and cool, letting it pool on certain areas. But the most striking feature of the place was the central tree's root, that curled, humungous, across the grass and-flower floor like the end of a solidified slug. It was covered in green, frosted like a cake in moss, lighted in patches by the scattered spotlights. 

Sasuke said nothing, simply walked forwards, treading on the flowers, stepping over the smaller, protruding roots and slowly put his hand on the trunk, as if assuring himself it was there. Facing away from us, he tilted his head backwards to look at the blue that peeked through the green. 

There seemed to be a certain inspired tranquillity in the scene, too quiet and still. I wouldn't have been too surprised if someone had told me it was a slice from another, calmer world. 

I stepped after Sasuke first, taking the invitation he had extended by taking us there. To my mind, automatically, came the soundtrack of Spirited Away. The eerie sounds that melt into something more comfortable. I walked around the clearing, looking at the beauty of the wildness, the mushrooms and bugs and curling trees. 

The experience in Sasuke's place was extremely different to the one in Sakura's. Whilst hers was liberating, Sasuke had an odd, morbidly calming effect. 

Sasuke had slid to the ground, back to the trunk of the main tree. A patch of sunlight lay on his feet as he raised his knees to rest his arms on them. I looked at him and I couldn't breathe as I thought of him alone here after visiting his family's graves, pushing the world away, away, until he was alone even inside himself. He didn't need to explain the history of the place; Sakura and I understood. They were old friends and maybe she knew him better than I did, though liking someone like she did often blinds people of the most important things. And I, after crossing the cemetery, needed no more information.

Sakura climbed on the tree, perching on the cradle the branches made as they parted in two main sections, whilst I lay on the giant root, cushioned by the moss. As we rested there, we begun talking. Sometimes about inanities, sometimes about the deeper parts of ourselves. I told them about the car crash. About the numbing, terrifying feeling of seeing your dead parents in the dark with you. Sakura talked about what she called petty fears. About the little things that made the big picture. Sasuke opened up the least, considering we were lying on an open wound, but he also talked about his family, about _missing_ and _wishing_ so much you can't go on. And as we lay there, each in their own perch, it was like we were weaving a bond between us, little by little, thread by thread. 

OoO

"Erm...are you sure it's safe?" Sakura asked, looking around. It was around nine at night and already pitch black. We had ridden yet another bus to the area close to the outskirts of Konoha. 

"About a hundred times safer than where I am now, Sakura, don't worry. I used to live near here," I commented, looking around the familiar surroundings. We had loaded off into a quiet road that branched out into comfortable apartments and houses mostly for families. The area was kid-friendly and pleasantly clean. 

On the opposite side of us was what I knew was a park, even though it was hidden by a weathered looking stone wall. It was small and centred by an area of grass with only a few oak trees, rounded by a stone path with neat flowers and areas that branched out into things like rose-gardens or little artificial ponds. 

That was where we were heading.

"Over here," I said, making them cross the road so that we were walking alongside the park's wall. Sasuke was looking around speculatively whilst Sakura curiously investigated the dark surroundings. I led them forwards until we reached a point in the road not lit up by the dotted lampposts, where the wall had converted into a half-wall, half-bars obstruction. 

"Right, we have to climb here," I pointed. Both my companion's eyes zeroed on me in a second, incredulous. 

"What?" Sasuke snapped. I rolled my eyes. 

"It's only a park, no big deal. I'll go first so that I can help you down," I said, and reached for the ledge of the cold wall when a hand yanking the sleeve of my jumper down, prevented me from doing so. I looked backwards to find Sasuke glaring at me.

"I am _not_ going to climb over some spiked bars like a criminal," he ground out. I narrowed my eyes at him, surprised. I hadn't expected them to be jumping for joy at the notion of sneaking in, even if it was one of my favourite parts, but I had never entertained the possibility of it actually preventing them from rejecting my secret place. I glanced over to Sakura to see she looked just as adverted to the idea. My jaw tensed, fists clenching. I couldn't believe that I was risking showing them something so intimate only for them to be petty enough to forsake it in order not to...what? Risk getting caught? Look undignified?

I pulled my arm out of Sasuke's grasp, looking away from the sharply.

"Fine, no one is forcing you to do anything. I'm going in. You know what number bus you have to take if you want to go home." With that I reached upwards and pulled myself forwards, using my arms as leverage and then gripping the bars to pull me fully forwards as I made sure there were no cars drifting past. 

"Naruto- wait!" Sakura called after as I stood up on the wall,pressed against the metal I could just slip through, so far apart were the bars. I looked down at my teammates, feeling so cold I couldn't help it show in my eyes. As we stood there, waiting for someone to break the silence, Sasuke sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Fine- come on Sakura, you next," he said. Sakura looked at him and to my surprise, as if she had been waiting for his approval, smiled.

"Right," she said and beamed up at me. In pure relief I smiled back and before squeezing through the bars I helped her scramble upwards, jumping down first to catch her. Sasuke managed on his own, waiting for a car to pass before climbing over.

We panted slightly in the darkness, a little bruised from the stone digging into our arms and the tight bars. I looked at their shadowed forms. 

"My parents would take me loads here, when it was daylight and after shows, but when they died I would come here at night, to...to escape a little," I said. I had chosen a clear night for the trip, so there was natural nightlight to see by, though at that moment my companion's faces were still hidden by heavy shadows from the wall. I smiled a little at the figures that melted into the darkness and could see them look back. Sakura reached out, catching my hand and squeezing it. I squeezed back before glancing at a silent Sasuke and then turning away.

The path that ringed the grass had a section of dirt with different types of plants and trees separating it from the wall, which was where we were. I pulled them out of it an unto the light, where the shadow from the wall disappeared and we could see better. 

"Ok...through here," I indicated, and we walked off the path, through an opening in the fence separating it from the grass. As we ridded ourselves of the trees that impeded our sight we saw the expanse of short, well-kept-for grass, like a pool of irregular darkness, and with the open area the sky seemed to open up as well, away from artificial light so that the stars could beam in their eternal contrast. The air seemed to be colder and Sakura wrapped her arms around herself for a second, stepping closer in between me and Sasuke. 

"I know it's not much. But-"

"Oh my God! What's that! Aaah- Oh my God!" Sakura shrieked suddenly and toppled backwards, clutching unto Sasuke's arm. Looking alarmed and annoyed he looked to where Sakura was pointing and back peddling from. Sasuke squinted at the darkness as I did the same.

"What the hell! There's something moving," he said, pointing at a patch of darkness. I looked more carefully and suddenly realising what it was I laughed.

"Oh, calm down, it's just a frog," I teased, looking back at Sasuke and Sakura, the former of which was still trying to disentangle himself from the pink-haired girl. 

"A frog," Sasuke repeated. Sakura leaned forwards, narrowing her eyes at me as I bent down to pick up the slimy creature which tried to hop away and let out a feeble croak. 

"Yeah, look," I said, taking it closer to them. They didn't back away, but looked at me as if I were crazy for picking the creature up. I outstretched my arms and the frog blinked grumpily at them. Sakura smiled a little whilst Sasuke wrinkled his nose.

"Delightful," he said sarcastically. I glared at him before letting the animal go.

"Shut up, frogs and toads are my favourite animal. There are like, dozens of them at night here. Must be the pond or something," I shrugged. 

"Wow, that's pretty cool," Sakura said. I grinned at her, honestly pleased by her comment and that she hadn't shrunk away simply because the animal was a little ugly on the outside. 

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, turning to walk them to the middle of the grass. I had gone there so many times at night, between the age of ten and twelve, when it had seemed there was no escaping. Those years the red was only creeping in, a suspicion of true human nature, and yet still I would have to seek solace. At those times I missed my parents so much, but not only them, I would also long for what they had inspired into my life; the lifestyle they had given me. But most of all, most of all, I yearned for the feeling of safety they had provided me with; the sensation of being protected and cared for instead of and simply watched and analysed. It was my haven. I would curl up in the exact placeSasuke and Sakura were with me then and hurt and cry and trembled because, how could one person be so completely, utterly alone, and still be alive?

I flopped down unto the grass, feeling my chest tighten at the simple memory. Sakura lay next to me first, and then Sasuke on the other side so that I was caught between them.

Above, the stars stretched. I had specifically chosen a night when they would be clear and luckily the predictions had been right, for the constellations, though unknown in name and form to me, were still putting on a show. 

"This is where I come..." I said slowly, painfully, "When I feel so alone I just..can't bear it." 

It was true that I made it through, and that I made myself strong, but even me, the all-smiling boy, had my moments of weakness. 

Sakura shifted to look away from the sky and towards me.

"Naruto..." she whispered and scooted closer to me, pressing her side against mine. And then, to my extreme surprise, Sasuke said,

"We're here now, dobe."

I turned my head against the dry grass to look at him, wide eyed, smirking a little and returning my look. Slowly, a smile bloomed on my face and I whispered, _teme_, as I interlaced my fingers with Sakura's. A frog croaked nearby. 

I took out my MP3 with its tripod of earphone, giving them out with one hand and choosing a song wordlessly. A piano sounded and without thinking it twice I caught Sasuke's hand in mine as well. He tensed as if he was to pull away but relaxed as I squeezed slightly, looking into the sky. 

_Cold, cold water surrounds me now  
And all I've got is your hand  
Lord, can you hear me now?  
Or am I lost?_

_Love one's daughter  
Allow me that  
And I can't let go of your hand..._

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo_

_A/N_

-- Mergghhgh. Sorry this is late. Internet and proof-reading and not saving things properly all deciding to be retards at the same time. 

Did you like my wonderful Uchiha-fan analogy? I'm pretty sure Uchiha means 'paper fan' which would explain their symbol. And now that we know Naruto comes heritage comes from whirlpool, his is understood. (Uzumaki means whirlpool right?).

Kushina is so much cooler than Minato anyways. I'm not really a feminist but it's a little irritating how women are completely down-played in the manga. I mean for fuck's sake, even Tsunade, who has a leading role was, firstly, second-choice to a man and secondly, overshadowed by the roles of Jiraiya and Orochimaru. 

And fucking hell, talking about the manga; the last chapter! I don't want to sound like the stereotypical teenager but:

Oh.

My. 

God. 

**SPOLIERS:**

OMG$&KJRGFJRDRTYTJTURHTEY$E£$T£W$!

I hadn't read the manga for about seven weeks in an attempt to read the Itachi-Sasuke fight at one go and last Friday I did, and my GOD my cousin and I were left in a fit. I swear I had tears in my eyes. For _Itachi_, no less, the crazy dude who was shrieking with psychotic laughter a while back. But that smile...the way that he didn't even try, admitting defeat. The 'poke'. OO. I can't believe he's dead. No really, _I can't believe it. _

And now my theory is that Sasuke will steal Itachi's eyes (though it peeves me off that he'll become so powerful. I'm hoping he won't) and if he does then he'll use that stupid 'sealing' sword for when Madara/Tobi/Obito (Itachi DID say that Madara survived by taking hosts) sucks in all the tailed-demon's power and will save Naruto and they'll live happily ever after, having loads of hot mansex. 

The end. 

And if the story turns to Kisame instead of Naruto I am **not going to be happy. **

I miss him :(


	9. 8: Tell it how it really is

_Tree Hugger- Kimya Dawson and Ansty Pants (Juno OST)_

_Agnus Dei (Adagio for strings)- Samuel Barber_

_Overkill- Clin Hay_

_Mr Writer- stereophonics _

_**Shiver**_

_Eight: Tell it how it really is _

He had adopted me when I was ten. I had been in the orphanage for three years, in and out, like a bad relationship between it and foster homes which hadn't realised that a human being was such a damn handful. 

He had ignored me for those three years, and yet I was granted to him when he arrived with excuses and good intentions. I had been so happy. So, so happy. _Family_, I had thought. He even looked a little like my mother. I didn't think about why I had never heard of him from my parents, why I hadn't gone to him straight away. One should never check the mouth of a gifted horse. 

"The orphanage says they'll be sad to see you leave. Apparently you sing well," we were in the car, seemingly in the middle of nowhere even though a road cut through it. No cars were passing by. 

It was just him. And me. 

I looked up at him, grinning. "I like to sing!" I enthused at him, who was looking at me with his almond-shaped eyes that almost looked animalistic. He smiled in a motion that seemed almost to be more of a bearing of teeth. 

"Let's hear you then. Sing me a song."

At those words I felt a sudden irrational fear. I loved to sing for people; why not him?

_The flower said, "I wish I was a tree,"  
The tree said, "I wish I could be  
A different kind of tree,"  
The cat wished that it was a bee,_

I begun singing sillily, grinning at my new guardian. But I was outside my body, looking at myself, saying _stop. Stop. _

_  
The turtle wished that it could fly  
Really high into the sky,  
Over rooftops and then dive  
Deep into the sea._

And I noticed how as I kept on singing the horizon was darkening at an alarming rate. He wasn't even looking at the road anymore, just staring avidly at me, at me as I kept on singing, 

_And the rattlesnake said,  
"I wish I had hands so  
I could hug you like a man."  
And then the cactus said,  
"Don't you understand,  
My skin is covered with sharp spikes  
That'll stab you like a thousand knives.  
A hug would be nice,  
But hug my flower with your eyes."_

But the happy tune was perverse and wrong as the air in the car- was it even moving?- got colder, and darker, and colder, all except for the red. And suddenly I felt a sharp pain on my shoulder. I moved my head slowly, for some reason, to see a scorpion beside the headrest of my seat, its tail imbedded beside my neck. Fear grew up again, consuming me so quickly I could barely breathe, and yet through that I was still singing happily so that it clashed with my very being. 

_And the flower  
Would be its offering  
Of love to the desert.  
And the desert,  
So dry and lonely,  
That the creatures all  
Appreciate the effort._

OoO

I felt sick. I had only slept for two hours from twelve at night and I knew I wouldn't be able to go to sleep again, probably until I had to go to school in the morning and then I couldn't anyway. 

I sighed, blinking my eyes in the dark room and slid out of my bed, throwing back the covers. The room was already a little stuffy, smelling of sleep. I rubbed my eyes from sand and seeing how they were shaking against my face I fisted them to try and stop. 

I walked over to the window, my feet cold, opening the curtains and cracking the window open slightly so that a sliver of fresh air could intrude in the warmness to refreshen it. I took a deep breath, shutting my eyes for a moment and letting my forehead fall on the glass of the closed half of the window. I hated being tired. It made me feel as if the feeling would build up, little by little, until I would be forced to go to sleep and never wake up. 

I opened my eyes, lashes brushing against the pane, and gazed out of the window. A dark road met me, barely lit up but widely set lampposts. I regarded the opposite building with half-lidded eyes when suddenly, I saw it. They were so melted into the shadows that I hadn't noticed straight away but, right across from my window, on the opposite sidewalk, was a person. Though, primarily, that wasn't a strange occurrence, to see people in a city, it still jolted my heart into a running pace, a surplus of my nightmare. As I kept on staring at the figure I realised they were just...standing there. I could tell with my sharp eyesight that they were facing my way by the silhouette of his feet. I closed my window, as if in an attempt of protection, but didn't move away. Were they staring right at me? I was so scared, as if I were caught in some other irrational dream. How long had they been there? What were they doing?

Was it _them_?

I jolted away from the window, letting the blue curtains fall into place as I strained breaths of air, my back pressed against the wall. 

I was so sick of this. So sick of having to be afraid of every shadow I saw. 

I took a deep steadying breath, fortifying my shoulders and walking towards my speakers and MP3 to fill the aching silence of the rooms, interrupted with macabre intention by the whispers in my skull. 

The gadget beeped into life and I saw the first song that came up on random. For some kind of sadistic irony, I left it on. The quiet was killed at once as the air filled with strings. 

_Alleluia, alleluia  
For the lord God almighty reigns  
_

The words rung out, like birds cutting through space. I flopped onto the bed, listening, staring at nothing. 

_Worthy is the lamb  
Worthy is the lamb  
You are holy, holy are you lord God almighty_

_  
_The choir sang. I shut my eyes tight, bringing the palms of my hands to them. One person in the sidewalk and I got freaked; what kind of strength was that? There was nothing that could beat me, nothing worse than what I had already won over.

Was there?

Or was I just the lamb against the wolf that was the world, a merciless slaughter. Was I just a sacrifice to some being I didn't even believe in?

How could I believe in something that, alive, would forsake me?

I took a deep breath, opening my eyes. I was ok. I had lost everything, and I had been ok. This lonely feeling...it had to go away eventually. This apartment would not feel so empty forever. 

I got up, letting the MP3 turn off on its own. Person or no person out in the street, I had to get out of the apartment. 

**I had to get out. **

I shoved some sweatpants and shoes on, grabbed a jumper and my keys and left my room for my front door. 

_Worthy is the lamb  
Amen_

The silence outside after the music was a little frightening. I opened the door to the lobby slightly, peeking out into the night after having trotted down the stairs.

The person was still there.

I felt the blood rushing in my ears as my heart raced. My mouth felt dry but sticky and I took another deep breath.

It was just a person. Nothing to do with me. 

I stepped outside into the biting cold of the night, shutting the door at my back. It was only a couple of apartments and I would be at Gaara's, my destination. The wind had picked up and it brushed against stone and tarmac and brick, whispering. I only walked a handful of seconds before I had to look to where the person was, but, still, they simply stood there. I walked faster. Vapour was brushing past my lips with each pant. 

I finally reached the entrance of Gaara's apartment and realized that his siblings would be sleeping even if he was not. But there was no turning back; despite my denial of it I was scared witless. 

I pressed the intercom only once and briefly. Hopefully Kankuro and Temari would be sleeping deeply enough so that only Gaara would notice.

After briefly thirty frantic seconds of waiting and many glances to the strange shadow, Gaara's voice came up.

"What."

"Gaara! Gaara, it's me, Naruto. I, erm, could I spend the night at yours? I can't sleep and-" I didn't even have to finish my mutters as the front door buzzed open. I climbed over immediately, the last thing I saw before shutting the door was the space where the person had been, now empty. I almost choked on my heart, the panic of the lack of knowledge on their whereabouts more intense than spotting them in the first place, but I turned away from the door and thoughts. I climbed the stairs quickly, and, reaching Gaara's open door, slipped inside his apartment, heading to his room where he had obviously gone back to. I opened the door carefully and stepped into his room, only lit by a desk-lamp that was focused mainly on what Gaara was working on, sitting with a brush in his hand and concentrating on a spread of paper. 

"Thanks, Gaara," I said, shutting the door. He nodded but didn't look up and I felt grateful to his, if not lack of curiosity, then contained one. 

"Do you want to sleep?" he asked as I settled on his maroon-covered bed. 

"No, I can't," I responded simply. I saw the back of his head nod again. I was incredibly glad I had befriended Gaara. He wasn't pushy, and only demanded the things that he needed. Acceptance, mainly, I guessed, just as I did. 

Gaara fiddled with his computer, perched at the edge of his desk, and quiet music was turned on at once. A strummed guitar and a voice. 

_I can't get to sleep  
I think about the implications  
Of diving in too deep  
And possibly the complications_

Especially at night  
I worry over situations  
I know I'll be alright  
Perhaps it's just imagination

The room always seemed to have a warm glow because of the colours, and I reached over to the bookcase, extracting a large book filled with glossy pictures of deserts and dry villages and settled on my stomach to flick through them. I would spend the night there, reading or talking to Gaara or simply laying there, listening to music. 

_Day after day it reappears  
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear  
Ghosts appear and fade away..._

_OoO_

Sasuke's house was huge. When I stepped into the driveway and saw the structure, a traditional-looking thing with a patio leading into the entrance hall, I thought about how appropriate it was for a rich family, and how wrong it was for a single teenage boy. 

But as I soon discovered, half the house was shut off, probably covered in sheets and filled with rooms smelling thickly of dust and phantoms. 

Sasuke's side, however, was pleasant. We had gone over there to write up our new information and at my insistence, he took us on a tour. 

The floor was carpeted cream, the walls a similar colour and made less bare with photographs or hanged pictures and paintings. Close to the entrance was a toilet, the hall leading away to a well-furnished livingroom with brown sofas and chairs around a wooden, oval coffee table, a flat-screen TV at the end of the room. Through a door from there was the kitchen, spacious and with the dining table in it. Upstairs was a small game-room, with a Wii, a bookcase, some chairs and a desk. Beside that was the guestroom, furnished simply with two single beds divided by a night stand and opposite a closet, and then Sasuke's room, which held our greatest interest. We trudged inside against his protests, taking it all in at once. 

"Wait till I tell Ino I was in Sasuke's room," Sakura practically giggled. I rolled my eyes at her, but smiled good-naturedly. It was obvious to one and all that Sakura had the biggest crush on Sasuke, but at least she had passed the petty stage of blushing and asking him out every day. 

For some reason I would have imagined Sasuke's room to be more...plain. More like his stoic facade, but it wasn't. Granted, everything seemed to be in order; his double bed had crisp white sheets and was perfectly made, but there still seem to be an air of messiness. He had a large amp and two electric guitars, a bass and an acoustic guitar on one side, alongside a stand filled with slotted CDs and a CD player on top. A whole wall was taken up by his closet and bookcase, chock-full of books and comics and a few DVDs. There were shelves nailed to the wall with things like metronomes and tuners and clamps to hold a particular octave down. 

"Right, that's enough, let's go down," Sasuke instructed, pulling me away from the guitars from the back of my shirt. 

"But Sasuke!" I whined, clawing at the air feebly in the direction of the instruments. They were so pretty! 

"No, we have to work first. Come on," he said, and, not missing the word 'first', relented with a grin, turning around and dislodging his hand from my back, following the other two out of the room and downstairs where our work awaited.

OoO

Now I knew why 'studying' had the word 'dying' in it, for I was just about to topple over because of it. After my sleepless night, the few hours of organizing and writing-up and colouring after a full day of school had my eyes burning and dry. I felt dizzy and completely apathetic. If my companions told me they were aliens from outer-space, sent to eradicate me and my kind, I wouldn't have blinked. 

"Naruto, you really do look awful. What's wrong with you, are you sick?" Sakura said, peering at my face. I fought to keep my eyelids up. Were they always that heavy? 

"Ah-yeah sorry. I'm just tired, didn't sleep very well," I said, rubbing my eye and leaning back against the sofa from where we were sitting around the coffee table. 

"Why don't you lie down for a second and then we can finish this up?" she suggested. I looked up and found that Sasuke was also looking at me. Did I really look that tired? I smiled a little.

"Yeah, ok. Wake me up in a bit, though," I said, giving up and crawling onto the sofa. I really couldn't be bothered anymore. The world seemed overly simple to my senses; anything more complicated just wouldn't register. 

"Why are so tired?" Sakura asked curiously. I shrugged, not really thinking.

"Nightmare. Then I went to Gaara's and spent the night at his," I responded, pulling a jacket that was on the armrest and curling up protectively. I normally didn't get nightmares when I was this tired or at daylight so I was safe.

"Do have suffer from nightmares regularly?" Sasuke this time. I yawned again. Lying was so complicated, who could be bothered?

"Yeah..." I mumbled. 

"There's a blanket there if you want one," Sakura pointed out as I closed my eyes. I shrugged, though I doubted she could see the motion. 

"This smells nice," I whispered, and it did. I wouldn't be able to put a name on it; maybe some type of cologne. It was just a nice smell. 

Much quicker than most nights, I drifted off to sleep to the sound of shuffling papers and writing pens, lulled by the warmth and scent of Sasuke's house. 

OoO

I woke up to some kind of movement. Something brushing across my hair, maybe, or the dipping of the sofa. I blinked my eyes groggily, feeling comfortable and rested. It was dark except a lamp nearby, but not close enough to throw much light. I yawned a bit, trying to focus my eyes as sleep still claimed most of my consciousness. I looked around to find that Sasuke was the one sitting beside me in an obvious attempt to wake me up. I look up at him, covered mostly in shadow by the lamp steps away from his back. His dark eyes stared at me, hair sliding forwards. For a few seconds I simply observed him as he looked back. I blinked slowly, feeling myself dip into sleep and then out only to encounter the shadow-ridden Sasuke again. His hair was so dark. Thoughtlessly, I reached upwards. The way his bangs fell to cover his cheekbones was curious, I had decided, and tucked one of them behind his ear. He did nothing at the motion. My head was clearing, but I wasn't any less reckless, it seemed, with it in order. My fingers reached further up, and I ran my hand through his hair slowly, slowly, feeling the texture of it against my skin, soft. My pink brushed against the skin at the nape of his neck as I stared into those eyes that were nothing but black. His lips parted. 

"Naruto," he said. 

That one noise snapped me out of it. My hand dropped and I closed my eyes, shaking my head and rubbing them with my hands as I yawned. I sat upwards and Sasuke shifted away as I ran my hand through my hair, looking around. My heart was racing I didn't know- or want to admit- why. 

"What time is it?" I asked, noticing fully that it was dark because it was night time, and that the coffee-table was paper-and-Sakura-less. 

"Eight," he said. I turned to him, gaping. 

"Eight!" I scrambled out of sofa. "You didn't wake me up at all! I've been asleep for like tree hours!" I accused. Sasuke rolled his eyes, annoyed looking.

"You were tired, so we let you sleep. You wouldn't have been any help dead on your feet as you were, dobe," he said smoothly, shrugging. I glared at him.

"Shut up, teme," I said and then sighed, realising they had only let me sleep for my own good. I was still tired that in a couple of hours I would be drained enough to go straight to bed and make it through the night actually asleep, or nearly so. 

"Thanks, I guess," I said grudgingly. Sasuke just shrugged again, getting up from the sofa as well.

"I woke you up because I made some food," he commented, walking towards the kitchen. At the mere mention of the substance I became very aware of how hungry I was.

"Food!" I exclaimed, jumping into the kitchen where some soup and a stir-fry was awaiting me. 

"Wow, teme, didn't know you could cook," I said as, seated on the table, we started eating. I hummed in appreciation at the tastes. Food was one of the few things that could make me quiet. For a little while, at least. 

"So, how long have you been living here?" I asked Sasuke, giving the kitchen a once-over. Sasuke didn't raise his head from his food.

"Since I was born." His voice was flat. My fork stopped mid-way to my mouth, eyes snapping towards him. That meant that the house where we were eating in was the one where his family had lived beside a murderer. Where his family had _died_.

"How can...how can you still live here?" I whispered. Sasuke had stopped eating as well, but his eyes would not meet mine. There was a moment of silence as the air between us seemed to stop.

"Duty. This has been an Uchiha house for decades. I have to keep it intact," he said finally, bringing another forkful of food to his mouth. After a second I did the same, thinking of how masochist that was. Duty? What an insignificant word. 

I wondered if I would be able to live in my old apartment, and immediately conjured a negative answer. I wouldn't be able to stand the memories, the space, the way the walls would whisper the old songs back in a corrupted version of my mother's voice. 

We finished the meal in silence, the atmosphere tense. As we washed the plates I said,

"Play me a song on your guitar." He looked at me, setting the last glass down.

"I don't think-"

"Please." 

The artificial light accentuated his tensed jaw but in the end he just sighed and without a word led me to his room. 

I settled on his bed, crossed-legged in the middle of it so that the mattress dipped around me as he plugged in the necessary cables, taking out a beautiful off-gray guitar that faded into black and then rimmed in red. He tested it for a moment, standing up and not quite facing me, but it was close enough, as if he were playing for himself and I was only a chance-audience. He had only turned on his night-stand light so that the lights were low, dramatic. I was feeling oddly exhilarated, seeing Sasuke hold the guitar against his body by the strap, pick in hand. I fisted the jean material by my ankles in anticipation. Maybe it was stupid but it seemed oddly intimate and trusting, having Sasuke play a song at my request in his own room. 

I swallowed thickly. 

He cleared his throat once and almost closed his eyes as he started playing _Mr. Writer_. 

The guitar sounded around the room, almost echoing because of the effects put on the amp. The room was filled with the sound, wrapping me in it as if I were his. 

And then he started singing.

_You line them up  
Look at your shoes  
You hang names on your wall  
Then you shoot them all_

His voice was rough and deep and slow, dragging the words on his tongue in an almost torturous manner. I stared at him, the vision so intense that I had to bite my tongue, though what I wanted to do with it, I had no idea. __

You fly around in planes  
That bring you down  
To meet me who loves you, like  
Me crashing to the ground

He was swaying slightly with the rhythm, hips moving in tempo with the song. I licked my lips, feeling a shiver down my back. __

Are you so lonely?  
Don't even know me  
But you'd like to stone me

He took a breath,

_  
Mr Writer,_

He looked at meeyes so impossibly dark

_why don't you tell it like it is?  
Why don't you tell it like it really is?  
Before you go on home_

and then away 

_  
I used to treat you right  
Give you my time  
But when I'd turn my back on you  
Then you do what you do  
You've just enough, in my own view  
Education to perform  
I'd like to shoot you all_

And then back on me, like some flickering sort of shadow. I learned forwards, barely blinking. 

_  
And then you go home  
With you on your own  
What do you really know?_

Mr Writer, why don't you tell it like it is?  
Why don't you tell it like it really is?  
Before you go on home  


His fingers moved over the strings, touching, touching, throwing shadows, black on black on black.

_  
And then you go home  
With you on your own  
What do you even know?_

Mr Writer, why don't you tell it like it is?  
Why don't you tell it like it really is?  
Before you go on home

Mr Writer,

_why don't you tell it like it is?  
Why don't you tell it like it always is?  
Before you go on home_

Mr Writer, why don't you tell it like it really is?

He sang raspingly, closing his eyes, tilting his head slightly back and Oh God, what I wouldn't do to have my lips on that neck. Something was coiled inside my stomach, burning me from the inside out. 

**l.u.s.t. **

_  
Why don't you tell it like it always is?  
Before you go on home_

His strumming faded and slowed until it came to a stop. I realised I hadn't breathed in a long time and sucked oxygen in. Slowly, he lifted the guitar from himself, settling it where it was and I watched his every move. His voice had captivated me, turned me on in a way that made me desperate to walk over to him and pull him towards me so I could feel his lips and skin and body against mine. What would he do? If I strode over to him now, if I fisted his shirt in my hand and yanked him forwards and crashed his lips to mine. If I opened my lips and captured his lower one, and nipped and licked until I was inside his mouth, exploring, feeling his tongue against mine whilst I pulled at his hair. I would push him against the wall- or would he push me?- and let my hands run over him, over hard surfaces, kneading and touching and stroking and scratching, skin on skin on skin. 

What would he do?

But I just stared at him as he turned around. Were my eyes now as dark as his? Could he tell what I was thinking?

Part of me hoped so.

But I only grinned at him, bearing my teeth, a thickness between us like a magnetic pull which I would only fight until I had to. 

That night, as I caught the bus home, I was smiling the whole way back. 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A/N

Right, I'm sorry, but if you don't review this and tell me how very hot that was I will assume you have no taste whatsoever! 

Whatsoever I say! 

(Though I'm sorry if you don't like the song, the scene must be ruined by it)

I really like how that scene plays out in my head. The low lights, the music. I had to physically restrain my fingers from dripping lime. I compromised with an imaginary make-out session. /Sigh, one must cope as one can. 

Right, hopefully, things will intensify from now on 'cause we're just getting hotter and hotter and- oh, baby, you're almost there. 

So apart from me being a pervert, I inform you that this is my last pre-written chapter so we're in trouble. I am _s.t.r.e.s.s.e.d_ at the moment so just bear with me. I'll try to keep the updates steady, and since I do enjoy writing this story it probably won't be a problem. But sometimes the mood just isn't there...so it's your job to put me in that mood! XD

Right, a special mention to Unfortunately Freckled who suggested the second song, everybody clap and throw flowers at her but all form of cake, cookies and brownies must be handed to me because I'm living alone with only my bitch as company for two weeks (in two weeks) and I may have to resort to my dog's food. 

Mmmm, crunchy...


	10. 9: Treats

_Epiphany- Sweeney Todd (Tim Burton style)_

_Le Disko- Shiny Toy Guns _

_How We Quit The Forest- Rasputina (or if by some unbelievable miracle you have 'Real Time' by Gwailo, better (album: Gecko Sushi))_

_Uncomfortably Slow- Newton Faulkner _

_Standin' in the Rain- Electric Light Orchestra _

_**Thunderstruck **_

_Nine: Treats _

I loved Halloween. Who could hate a day filled with free candy, and a perfect opportunity for pranks? It was a chance to dress up as what you wanted, pretend to live as something else with some other purpose for a day. It's always so much easier to act when behind a mask. People experience that fact every day; hiding behind phones and computer screens. We were creating an era of false free speech, spawning the generation of cowards.

It was Kiba and I walking towards the large house, drive-way already filled with teenagers, the heavy bass of the music inside spilling out into the night. A garden ringed the house except for the gravelled front, and people were on the green, dancing or laying or smoking and hallucinating that the music actually made sense, that the air had colours instead of just shades.

"_Fuck_ yeah! This is it, baby, Halloween parties _rock_," Kiba shouted, and then started howling uproariously, getting into character as a werewolf in shaggy grey hair that covered his body in patches. Behind my mask I laughed. I was dressed in a tight, buckled black outfit I had gotten cheaply in rent through pure charm. A cape fluttered behind me, finished with the mask of V in V for Vendetta. It looked a little awkward since I opted to not wear a wig so that my blond hair stuck out from under cream and black.

The Halloween party was like every other house party a rich teenager throws. Except that, instead of humans, the halls and rooms were filled with monsters and faeries and witches and animals. It was as if any split that existed between world had opened- and wasn't that what Halloween was all about? A joining of the otherworldly with the boring?

The speakers were huge and pumping bass out straight to my ribcage, making the marrow in my bones buzz and the intelligible lyrics spelled out in my lungs. A shiver crawled across my skin, the electricity of the music chasing my blood around my body, producing adrenaline. Today there were no people in shadows, chasing my past. Today I was free.

The inside of the house was a crowded, writhing thing. All ornaments and pictures and tables and chairs had been removed so it was all alcohol and bodies in costumes consuming the air itself. The loudness of the atmosphere seemed to make more oppressive, more _alive_ as Kiba and I tried to find the kitchen where we were meeting the rest of the gang. It was already almost one in the morning and the party was hitting its most popular hours so that we had to push and shove and dance our way through the mass. In a lot of the rooms the lights were off, just some red-tinted lamps lighting the area and it really was as if we were stepping from chaotic world to chaotic world. When we finally reached the kitchen Kiba and I were already panting and sweating from the press of human skin on skin.

The room we managed to find spilled out into the garden so that it was fairly spacious. I grabbed a bottle of Pimms, cracking the top open with ease against a counter and moving towards the group that beckoned us.

"Naruto! Kiiiiiba!" Ino shouted and practically catapulted towards us, dressed in the classical Marilyn Monroe outfit that fluttered around her easily to reveal a lot of thigh. "We've been waiting for you for like 20 minutes!" she said, even though she was laughing. I laughed with her just because her open expression was contagious.

"A lightweight, I see," I said and wasn't surprised, considering her slim build.

"H-hi Naruto," I heard Hinata say, and my eyes widened as I took her in. She was wearing a skin tight, black outfit that stopped mid thigh and balanced on high heels, completed with a curling tail and cat ears.

"Woooaahh, Hinata, what are you wearing?" I said, looking her up and down. Her pale eyes and skin, the black of outfit and hair; the girl was the sexiest thing there. A glance at Kiba's reaction confirmed that he was just short of drooling, jaw opened and staring. Hinata blushed a firetruck red as she stuttered something like 'it wasn't my idea!'. Sakura laughed and slung an arm around her shoulders.

"She's cat-woman. Ino and I dressed her," she said, and any sane teenage boy would have had the mental image of three naked girls dressing each other. I put my finger under my nose to make sure it wasn't bleeding and grinned widely, looking at the pink-haired girl's outfit. Sakura was dressed almost punkily in a short, ripped dress, some knee-high tights and make-up that looked like stitches. I raised an eyebrow at her.

"Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas," she said, smirking. I smiled back, having moved my mask out of the way so I could drink.

"That is so cool," I complimented. Danny Elfman was a legend. I relied on his music to calm me down when I was having a bad moment, and that used to be a lot before Jiraiya found me. The notes would catch me, a safety net to my suicidal mind.

"Oh my God Shino, what the hell are you wearing?" I heard Kiba exclaim and turned to where he was staring only to choke on the alcohol in my mouth as I saw what the normally quiet boy was wearing; a Pokémon-catcher outfit, with the labels of the game on his clothes, that stupid hat ash always wears and a butterfly catcher in one had.

"I'm a bug pokemon-catcher," he said calmly. Kiba and I looked at each other before collapsing in laughter as Shino quietly glared at our reaction.

"So good..." Kiba practically sobbed as I wiped tears from my eyes.

"What are you guys laughing about? Kiba, are you already drunk?" Choji said and my eyes widened before my grin grew at his outfit.

"Spectacular! Spectacular!" I sang, throwing an arm around his shoulders and taking another gulp from my drink, which I had almost finished. "You like Moulin Rouge then?" I asked the chubby boy who was dressed as Harold Zidler in a red waistcoat and black trousers. He grinned, his red cheeks stretching as he nodded.

"Yep. And V for Vendetta too. And Sweeney Todd," he said, and motioned to the open doors leading to the garden. Confused, I followed his hand, past Shikamaru who had only bothered to wear a T-shirt that said 'in the case of a zombie attack, follow me' and to the figure stepping into the now slightly more crowded kitchen. I felt my eyes widen and my lips part as I saw Sasuke step in, his black eyes meeting mine. He was dressed as the main character of the aforementioned musical, even the white streak in his hair decorating his image. He suited it so well, the pirate-looking shirt, the faded waist coat, the makeup, looked so good in it, that I could feel my arm drop from Choji, and my feet take a step towards him, and yet couldn't connect the movements with anything, as if it weren't me who was doing them. I downed the last of my drink in one and turned away, feeling hotter than I was moments ago, pulling down my mask to hide my expression.

"And who are you supposed to be?" I heard Sasuke say and as I looked at him realised he was talking to me. I stared for a moment before smirking.

"Who is but the form, following the function of what and what I am is a man in a mask!" I exclaimed, dragging quotes from the film. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Right, I wasn't asking you to give me an obvious explanation of what I can already see," he retorted. I grinned.

"I was not doubting your powers of observation, I was merely enquiring to the paradox of asking a masked man who he is..." I replied. Sasuke sighed and took a gulp of his drink.

"So you're dressed as an idiot. I'm surprised u needed a costume for that," he said and suggested we go into the next room as he pushed passed me but slowly enough so that I could catch up. Ino agreed loudly and pulled the two other girls forward as Shikamaru sighed, treading along with Chouji and Shino whilst Kiba trotted after Hinata saying things like, 'look, you're a cat, and I'm a werewolf. We match.'

From the corner of my eye I glanced at Sasuke who had a plastic cup in one hand, and decided to pour myself a drink as well, feeling that it would not be a good idea to stay sober throughout the party. I grimaced at the liquid that was more like orange coloured vodka than anything else.

As we entered one of the main rooms, I was lost at once in the focused beat and the sweat and alcohol of dancing.

OoO

I had lost count of how many drinks I had consumed. I had lost count of the hours, of the songs, of the people I'd danced with. I had finally dragged Hinata, tipsy, to dance and her figure was perfect, I found. She wasn't skinny-skinny like Sakura and Ino, but had nice curves and semi-large thighs and danced a lot better than would be expected from such a shy girl. She knew how to move those hips and shoulders without stepping into the extensive world of whoreish. The music was so loud it was inside me, thump-thump-thumping in the movement of the people dancing in the low lights, just faceless creatures. It didn't matter if I was breathing, or if I had my eyes open, because everything was moving anyways, and the intoxication in my veins was making everything incredibly positive and care-free and intense. I could feel my fingers where they gripped Hinata, the atmosphere swallowing me whole as I suddenly pressed her closely and moved with her. Wasn't it a rule that only black and/or gay men could dance in public?

"Dance, dance with me," Kiba's shouting voice cut through our movement and I didn't even think about it. I nodded and laughed and pushed them together and then stumbled away. For a moment I was dancing with some stranger before moving once again, difficult when there was so much _pressing _and_ skin_ and_ movement_. I saw that Ino was on someone's lap, her arms around his arms around his neck and noticed briefly that the hair she was gripping was pink.

I managed to get out, not thinking, not thinking, just walking as people I knew waved and said hi and offered me drinks or food or a dance but finally I felt an only semi-crowded hall where the music was muted. I gazed around for some sense of familiarity between the dizziness and finding nothing I leaned against a wall and closed my eyes. The wall was thrumming. There was a faint ringing in my ears. I was sweaty and hot. I was happy; thoughtlessly, thoughtlessly happy.

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit  
And it's filled with people who are filled with shit  
And the vermin of the world inhabit it.  
But not for long..." I heard suddenly, after I don't know how many minutes of just standing there. I opened my eyes, knowing that singing, rough voice. There was Sasuke, stumbling into the hall, brandishing a fake razor in one hand. People blinked at him as he snarled at them.

"Alright! You sir, you sir, how about a shave?  
Come and visit your good friend Sweeney.  
You sir, too sir? Welcome to the grave," he went on, staggering into a wall and then our eyes met through the spaces in my mask. He stopped, pupils wide as if he were trying to swallow me in the gloom of the hallway. All other noise seemed to be muffled, all other feeling, as if it were only the air between him and me that mattered. Slowly, like a predator, he moved towards me.

" I will have vengeance...  
I will have salvation," he sang, and his voice reverberated against my skin and I sucked in a breath as the notes filled air and ears and lungs.

"You sir! _Anybody!" _he said desperately, making a slicing ark with the razor. "Gentlemen now don't be shy!" And suddenly he was beside me, then in front of me. I hadn't moved a muscle. My blood was rushing, rushing, rushing.

I loved his voice.

The wall was hard against my back as I learned against it, smooth, and in my drunken state that surprised me. I blinked at Sasuke, who was closer to me than was expected. His arms were straight on either side of me, palms pressed against the white of the wall.

"Not one man, no, nor ten men.  
Nor a hundred can assuage me

I will have you!" He said against me. I could smell the drink on his breath and if I had taken Sasuke as someone who didn't get plastered at these types of things I would have been wrong because he certainly was. It was the most open I had seen him in a purely basic level. Sure having him sing to me, or press against my back at the studio, had been open in another sense, but to have his expression and voluntary breaching of personal space so unprotected at the same time was something different.

It was dark and I felt cornered and yet not in a bad way, I had to admit as I looked through the mask as Sasuke, staring at me. Fragments of awareness were filtering across to me. The hotness of the air. The coolness of the mask. The music pumping, pumping. The dizziness across my senses. The rush of adrenaline. Sasuke nearing me, having me pressed against a wall. How everything was shadows and noise. Gloom, gloom and music. And suddenly,

"_Naruto." _No more than a breath and his lips pressed against those on the mask. I felt myself, ridiculously, closing my eyes as if it were my skin he was kissing me instead of the plastic thing on my face. I could feel his upper lip catch and drag against the material of my mask before I couldn't feel the pressure of him anymore. My eyes fluttered open to hyper-focus on Sasuke's face, just inches away from mine. My thoughts were going _takeyourmaskoff whydidhedothat_

_Kisshimback kisshimback, _but I was dizzy and couldn't move, couldn't breathe.

I raised my hand and placed it on his hip.

I had lost my gloves some time ago and Sasuke didn't have his waistcoat on so that the thin shirt between skins was nothing, but way too much.

I pushed away, fisting the shirt and dragging him behind me.

"What do you think- let go- Naruto-" I heard him but wasn't listening, didn't care what _drunk Sasuke_ was saying.

I shoved him into another room, the music crashing into us again.

"Let's dance," I said, even though through the mask and the sound I'm sure he wouldn't be able to hear me.

_Hello little boys, little toys_

The music said inside us. _  
We're the dreams you're believing  
Crawling up the walls_

I closed my eyes and starting moving to the tempo, feeling Sasuke against me, still, onyl swaying slightly and that was only because all the other people moving also. _  
Running down your face  
Razor sharp, razor clean  
Feel the weapon's sensation  
On your back...  
With loaded guns_

"Come on, Sasuke, come on," I said and gripped his hips, moving them against mine. The world was peeling at the edges to leave only us and my dulled, filled senses. The edge was off everything; I felt like agreeing to anything in the world.

_Now hold onto me pretty baby_

The noise ordered and we followed the words as Sasuke also started dancing along, winding arms around my neck, tilting his head back slightly and the movement seemed so completely vulnerable that I felt myself growling slightly, gripping his hips harder so I could feel the bones against his skin. _  
If you want to fly  
I'm gonna melt the fever, sugar  
Rolling back your eyes._

We were chest-to-chest, pressing, rubbing. The breath bounced against my mask to heat my lips. Everything was hot, everything was too close and snippets of the song infiltrated into this world.

_We're gonna dance on fire_

Sasuke pulled at the hair at the back of my head. _  
So what's it gonna take?  
Silver shadow believer...  
Spock rocker with your dirty eyes  
It's a chance gonna move  
Gonna fuck up your ego  
Silly boy gonna make you cry..._

I was lost. Nothing mattered, nothing was thought, the world was made of feelings; one after the other, melting together, mixing, overwhelming. Music was everything, pressing against us, moving for us.

Too many people were pushing against us and even before the song was over the dizziness was swamping in and Sasuke wasn't against me anymore, eaten by the mass or the noise and I moved to find him, calling out his name disjointedly but there were no straight thoughts and then the next song had sucked me into its world and I was lost again.

OoO

You know life is hard when the frightening parts of life aren't called nightmares, but nightmares relive the terrible parts of your life. The moment I had woken up, I knew it was going to be a bad day.

Everybody has bad days. Days when everything is more irritating, or when everything seems to turn out badly, or when you don't want to do anything. My bad days, however, were a little different. My bad days were inside my head, projected like a horror movie through my eyes.

I had been to a psychologist in the two years after Jiraiya had found me and I was in Whirlpool, but it hadn't helped. Part of me recognized that it was because I wasn't ready to be helped. The demon that lived inside me couldn't be ripped out; I felt to do that would kill me, even if it was a part of me that I hated.

I had drunk so much on Saturday that on Monday morning I was still a little hung over. I woke up sweaty and tired from the nightmare, and only managed a scarce few hours of fitful sleep that only seemed to make me feel sicker and more tired than when I had gone to bed. That meant than when I got up to prepare for school, not only was my body weary, but so was my mind. I had been obsessing about the pseudo kiss with Sasuke which the drink had made hazy but refused to make me forget. The moment had been...magnetic. It had been wonderful, alive. But now that it was over it had turned into a source of pure anxiety.

Why had he tried to kiss me? Because he was drunk? Because he wanted to? To play with me? How would he act now? Would the drink make him forget it? Would he ignore it or act on it? Was it going to be awkward? How would I feel when I saw him? What would I say? What did I even think about the whole thing? Was it just attraction? Could I trust Sasuke when I knew so little about him? I don't think I could. Did Sasuke even trust me? We were sixteen and yet to me, what we were doing seemed too immature. This playing around without a mention of commitment. The sly glances but no real conversation. With my past, and with my mind, just meeting a handsome boy who made me feel alive in dark hallways crawling with musical waves didn't mean he could fix me, or save me, or find me, or even help me. I wished that how he made me feel when I was pushed against the wall was enough. But it wasn't. If anything, Sasuke was just making me worse.

But after a night of mulling, I didn't even care. It was ironic. When I got up from bed, the very thought of worrying about Sasuke was laughable. I was so tired I felt like curling up and going to sleep and never, even waking up. But I was afraid of sleep, and I was afraid of my empty apartment, and I was afraid of myself because sometimes...

I shook my head, pulling at my wet hair as I dried it, _How We Quit the Forest _infiltrating into the bathroom. I blinked at my reflection and could feel the skin at around eyes tighten, my lips pull downwards in sadness as I stared. My eyes were red. Not around my eyes or the white of my eyes. The pigment was red. Evil, angry red. My canines were longer, my scars more pronounced. I was staring at a monster. Naruto the monster. One of my many hallucinations. One of my many realities because this was the problem when you were as crazy as me. I never knew what was real and what was not. Was it blue or red? Was I human or something else, some twisted creature forced too far beyond the average threshold of misery to go back to where I started, a boy with a mother that sang instead of talked? A father that laughed with his eyes and a home that was warm and full.

I lived in a world that seemed to betray itself. My dreams, which tasted so much like real life, where they really the nightmares? Or was this breathing, awake self simply my nightmare's nightmare? Where my hallucinations a mirage or were they a rawness of reality no one else could perceive?

I closed my eyes and got out of the bathroom, one last hateful look in red. God, I was so tired.

**Someone help me.**

_**Someone save me from myself. **_

_OoO_

I counted steps to school, not wanting to slip any father into my mind as I listened to Newton Faulkner play into my ears through pink headphones and to tired receptors and nerves.

_I wonder if they know that I  
Don't get the jokes but I just  
Need to laugh  
So don't take my photograph  
Cos I don't wanna know how it looks  
To feel like this_

As I reused my old school routine, I tried not to look at anybody in the face, for when my eyes met theirs a wronged version of them would appear before me and try as I might I couldn't see past it. 'I'm just tired' I kept replying to people's questions, and it was only just barely a lie.

Scarred version of people walked like a parade of past mistakes along the school. Children with missing limbs, teachers with disfigured, lying mouths. Friends with ripping injuries of mossy infection. I felt sick and my hands were trembling throughout the day, though I hid it well. I laughed at all the jokes and smiled at everybody, squinting so that they were blurs, not people who could be deformed by my mind. But as time went past I felt like my edges were shredding and unraveling and soon I would wear down like a pebble turned to dust by the sea.

"Naruto."

Internally, something sighed, but I looked up as a grin stretched my lips.

"Hey, Sasuke," I said, looking at a spot over his shoulder. He must have been purposefully looking for me to find my resting place. It was a downwards hill edged by trees that went down to where Kakashi parked and the primary uniform shop, closed except for one day a week. "What are you doing here?" I asked him, averting my eyes casually. There was the sound of the leaves, a heavy wind dragging heavy looking clouds over us, but Sasuke remained silent. I wanted to look at him and try to figure out what he was thinking through his expression but I couldn't. It wouldn't matter if I looked anyway, I wouldn't see him as he was. My head was a mess of images fragmented with sounds; distorted notes in out-of-tune thoughts. I had just wanted a few minutes by myself and try to _pull myself together_.

"Forget it," Sasuke said. I tilted my head upwards and saw that he wasn't moving. I let my smile tone down.

"Forget what?" I asked. There was a moment of silence before he let out a sharp breath and shifted slightly.

"About Saturday. Just forget it, ok?" He said and I realized he had logically assumed that my distance was due to the kiss and the dance and the feeling that had been between us which was inexplicable. And, honestly, as much as I had worried about it, I didn't want to deal with that right then. It may have sounded pathetic to have a sixteen, almost seventeen, year old boy to think it but I wanted my mum to hug me. I wanted to not go home to an empty, cold apartment, or go to school to people I had to hide myself from. I wanted to just have someone unconditional who would wrap me in their arms and make me feel like I could be protected.

Oh God, I was so tired.

I squeezed my eyes shut and gave a tight smile.

"Ok, consider it forgotten," I said. I wasn't expecting much of a reply so when silence met my words, followed by a 'hn' and a turning away, I wasn't surprised.

Sasuke seemed like such a strong person but sometimes I could see nothing more than a coward. He fought for the things he wanted but only those he recognized as virtues. Anything that seemed a weakness he pushed away, buried, burned.

It was true strength not when you could push away and deny your weaknesses, but when you could adopt them and still go forwards.

OoO

It seemed that for me, when things were bad, they had to be bad all the way.

I was in Ethics and what of all things did we have to discuss but capital punishment. And of course the offences that lead to the possibility of the death sentence. Child abusers and sex offenders. Murderers, gangsters, thieves, liars. Psychological problems, stress, alcohol, drugs, ambition, business, love. A background for each story, a reason for each background.

It made me sick to my stomach because to these people, words were so easy. Words like kill, and rape, and money, and forgiveness and condemn.

"He should be killed."

"What he did was sick and"

"There is no way anybody can forgive the murder of"

"And those bodies of children they found in the wall"

"All the child abuse cases that went forwards"

"He should be"

"Excuse me," I said suddenly, getting up. I was going to throw up or pass out and the cellos in my mind littered fra

g

ments

of notes into the air and why couldn't they hear it? Why couldn't they feel this horror and why couldn't they understand that-

"Sorry," I stumbled out of the room. Nothing made sense. I was falling apart. A week ago it seemed like everything was going to be ok. I had friends, friends I was starting to trust, and already had given part of me to. Jiraiya and Tsunade were looking after me. I had a neighbor I could depend on, a city I loved and yet...here I was. Breaking apart and who the hell was I supposed to

_talk_

to?

Who did I say to;

Hell, I'm not quite sane, and your face looks like it's been blown up, and instead of noise I feel music. But can't you hear me breathing? _Tell me I'm alive_.

For about two hours I sat at the bottom of the little hill, hiding from Kakashi until he drove away. It was cold and gloomy and darkening and I just sat beside the dirty area of trees, staring at nothing, ignoring the drizzle until it turned into full on rain suddenly, pummelling bucketfuls to the ground. I was startled out of my retreat, on this one day when positive was just a little too hard to manage. I would be ok the next day. But as the rain poured, I just let myself

**go. **

Something inside me snapped, like a rubber band stretched too tightly. I fumbled with my MP3 player, hunching over it to protect it from the water thrown down until I found the right ELO song. A let the instruments play, the notes soaked in water wash (over) me.

I was alive. That's what mattered. I was alive Iwasalive.

_I'm standing in the rain  
I'm waiting all alone  
I'm so tired  
I wanna go home._

I tripped forwards, my hair already plastered to my skin, my burning eyes filling with rain and salt. I could do this, I could but I just needed something, a sign an anything, anything...

_I'm standing in the rain  
Getting soaking wet  
I'm doing my best  
But what do I get?_

I looked up and of course. Of course Sasuke would be standing there and how long? And was this the same coward, or the boy with strength? And what did he want, what was he doing, what, who, what.

I tilted my head upwards and blinked tears at the unravelling clouds. The drums slowed and drifted through me. From the edge of my vision I could see Sasuke walking towards me and I just, just closed my eyes and let the music and the water pour over me as I collapsed against him, clutching his shirt, almost angry because him being there, what did it fix? Or was it the sign I had been looking for, was this the icon I needed telling me I wasn't alone? I pressed my forehead against his shoulders and sobbed and broke and fragmented and let _go_. And it felt so good, like screaming.

Only that this time, someone was listening.

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO**

**A/N**

Hey guys. For the ones who didn't realise it, the last 'chapter' was an April  
Fool's joke. Gotcha. :D heh heh heh

But yeah, I'm sorry this is late. Did I update last week? How late is this? I can't even remember. I'm totally spaced out at the moment. Bad things are happening to people I love and everything seems to be tinged with the pestering colouring of shit and yeah, I'll try to keep the updates steady despite looming exams. My head is a mess though so do forgive me and send me gentle reminders if I slack. Mergh.

Oh and kudos to my one and only love of my life, my sister 'Every Dog Will Have Its Day' for suggesting and insisting on the hot Halloween scene. She disserves much thanks and praise and will eventually be named a Saint and revered forever and ever amen. Even though she reads gay porn.

Oh well!

See you in hell, guys!

I'll be the one with the crown on ;P


	11. 10: in the beginning

_Falling Slowly- Once soundtrack_

_Gay Bar- Electric Six_

_Jaw's theme tune_

_Chateau- Matrix Reloaded Soundtrack (CD two)_

_Elegy for Durkik- Atonement Soundtrack _

_**Shiver**_

**Chapter 10: In the Beginning...**

I woke up in an incredible haze. I couldn't even remember the last time I had slept so deeply and completely, and as I blinked the cobwebs from my mind I felt my body sigh in restfulness. With the usual lethargy after sleep, the memories of the day before trickled into my mind until I didn't know if I should smile or frown.

I always had trouble remembering 'bad days' exactly. Maybe it was a defence mechanism or they were bad days because of my lack of concrete conscience, but whatever the case I was having trouble recalling Sasuke's expression the previous night, or what had triggered it all off. What I _could_ remember, though, was how Sasuke had held me without saying anything, an anchor for a thrashing ship. I remember how his arms had felt like a refuge instead of a cage and as lost as I was maybe I was finding the trace of a road to follow, a path that wouldn't involve running away yet again.

Sasuke had, wordlessly, taken me home. In a sense it had been an extremely awkward situation. After the kiss and the way he had so carelessly pushed me away, there was bound to be tension in the air, yet the situation we found ourselves in erased those doubts and questions. Maybe if it had been something fictional it would need an explanation but in reality, the truth was that my breakdown and the fact that he had been there, concerned, and taking care of me, was something that couldn't and didn't need to be explained. Although I had cried against his shoulder and leant against him all throughout the trip I doubted we would talk about it at all because sometimes, it's how things are; so strange and new and delicate that it's too precarious to be brought up. But although Sasuke hadn't stayed the night with me to offer comfort, I could remember the way he had looked as we stood outside my apartment building's door, so drowned in appearance and yet with a striking determination in his expression. I remembered how he had lifted his hand and threaded it through my wet hair for a moment before asking,

"Are you gonna be alright," in that flat, deep tone that would have given the impression of uncaringness if it weren't for the words.

"Yes," I replied truthfully, and with only a moment of hesitation, of fingers lingering against my temple, he had turned away and into the inkiness of night.

I got up from my bed, stretching slowly and smiling. After the incredibly bad day, the new dawn seemed revitalizing. I was never one to give up, and I suddenly had new hope in myself and the people I was beginning to know better. I looked out of the window and smiled as a guitar sounded inside me. Slow and melancholic but, with a sense of hope as a piano rang out as well and then a duet began singing, pained but fighting, making it, achieving something more than the cards dealt.

_Take this sinking boat and point it home  
We've still got time  
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice  
You've made it now  
_

And the next time I saw Sasuke I would smile at him, and throw an arm around his shoulder and near my mouth to his ear and whisper, _thank you_. He would tense and look at me from the corner of his eyes but his expression would be blunt and almost soft and he would grab the material of my jacket for a second and pull and squeeze in recognition before we parted ways. And things would seem the same. We would act in a bickering, joking manner, but inside things will have shifted and evolved, for though an action always ends, as long as the memories are alive it has an effect on those involved. And slowly, we were changing for the better.

_  
Falling slowly, eyes that know me  
And I can't go back  
Moods that take me and erase me  
And I'm painted black_

_  
You have suffered enough  
And warred with yourself  
It's time that you won..._

OoOoO

Time seemed to speed past me again. Before I knew it, December had arrived and brought with it a plummeting of temperatures so that jackets and scarves and gloves had to be dug out of the back of closets. I had been working hard, revising for mock exams and doing my coursework, especially in Music, incessantly. But with the last of the month of the year also arrived the Christmas Holidays and, apparently, the Konoha School Christmas show in which, as a music student, I was performing in.

With the announcement of the show, however, a buzz settled over the school. Everybody was talking about who would perform, and most, importantly, who would go with who to watch it. It seemed the Christmas Show was the new Ball for asks for dates to it and then plans afterwards was the new craze. It was impossible to walk anywhere with Sasuke without girls in groups tittering and whispering and throwing glances at him. It was extremely annoying, and I could take it was taking its toll on Sasuke, who normally didn't even like attention, let alone such useless one.

The experience, however, made me notice that though Sasuke had a lot of pretty and/or smart girls after him, he didn't throw them a second glance. On the contrary, he seemed to be cold towards them. I guessed that after having so many people approach you in the same manner, it became unattractive.

I had therefore taken to either further annoy or relieve Sasuke when I walked with him by singing wherever we went.

_You!  
I wanna take you to a gay bar,  
I wanna take you to a gay bar,  
I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar._

I called out in the middle of the hallway. I could see Sasuke's eye twitch now and then as Icooed him the words of the popular song.

_Let's start a war, start a nuclear war,  
At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar.  
Wow! (Shout out loud)  
At the gay bar._

We passed a gang of girls chatting as they walked through the hall and they looked at me as I sang. I winked at them and a few of them blushed. Hey, at least it kept them away from the unwilling Uchiha boy.

_Now tell me do ya, a do ya have any money?  
I wanna spend all your money,  
At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar._

I crowed as we entered the Common Room and Sasuke turned to me, shoving me away with a "shut it!" and stomping away. I laughed, teasing him as we grabbed seats where our group always sat. It was lunch time and I was starving, as always. I grabbed a seat next to Sasuke and Choji, almost getting my hand chopped off as I stole a crisp from the latter.

"Hey! Don't touch my food!" the boy exclaimed, glaring at me. Kiba laughed, taking huge bites of his massive sandwich. The whole gang was crowded together, eating away. Ino was picking at her salad as she flirted obviously with Sasuke as Sakura glared at her, ignoring her own food in favour of the dirty looks. Sasuke seemed to be simply ignoring both of them, giving out only enough attention so that they didn't bother him any further than they already were. On the other side of Choji, Shikamaru was slumped in his seat, eating slowly with his head on the chubby boy's shoulder.

"Ew, Shino, what are you doing?" Ino asked the boy, who was sitting on the floor looking at an ant-farm and making notes. Shino glanced at her though his ever-present sun-glasses.

"To be wise you must not only concern yourself with what is big, but also with what is small," he said simply. Ino frowned at him as I smirked. Shino always talked funny.

Suddenly a hand gripped my shoulder and I turned around to see a boy who was vaguely familiar. I realised it was the boy who had complained about his assigned group at the start of the year, with his choppy blue hair and petit form. He was smiling down at me, an expression that could practically be called a smirk.

"Hello there, Naruto," he said as if we had been pals for the past months. I noticed that everybody around me had gone silent, noticing the boy's presence.

"Er...hi," I smiled hesitantly. "Do I know you?" I asked in order not to come right out and say '_Who the hell?'_

"I'm Suigetsu," he said, and grinned a little. His teeth were white and surprisingly sharp, I noticed, and as his eyes narrowed slightly with the action I couldn't help but get the impression that he was a dangerous guy. Unbidden, the Jaw's theme song came to mind.

_Dun dun. Dun dun dun dun. Dundundundundundundundun_

"Er, hi, Suigetsu," _who won't let go of my shoulder_, I thought. He just smiled a little more.

"I was thinking," he started, "about how you'll have to be in the Christmas performance. How about you go with me and we can grab something to eat after?"

It took me a second to realise what he was suggesting. I looked up at him, twisted in my seat with all my friends watching me and I flushed as I grasped that he was asking me for a date. I frowned a little. Couldn't he have been a tad more tactful and pulled me away instead of making such a show of it?

"Erm, well, I..." had no idea how to turn him down, because saying yes didn't even cross my mind. The problem was, I couldn't attribute it to anything. I didn't have a prior-arranged date or boy/girlfriend. He wasn't even bad looking, it was just there was something about him I was warning myself against.

"I would show you a good time," he smirked, looking at me straight in the eye. I could feel myself flush further.

"I- er, thanks, Suigetsu, but no. I'm going out with these guys," I made a vague, nervous gesture. "But thanks anyways," I repeated. I really wanted him to let go of my shoulder.

Suigetsu held my eyes for a few more moments before he shrugged, still smiling his sharp smile. Slowly, he leaned down and I sat stock-still as he whispered,

"You know where to find me if you change your mind, Naruto," in my ear so that his breath was against it before letting go of my shoulder and walking away. I blinked, looking after him before turning around again to face my companions. That had happened so quickly.

I looked up to see most of them were none-too-subtly staring at me.

"Er.." I said, shifting in my seat. _Damn Suigetsu_, I cursed, feeling incredibly flustered and awkward. From the left, Shikamaru sighed.

"Troublesome..."

I looked around at the awkward Kiba, giggling Ino and Sakura and blushing Hinata, chancing a glance at Sasuke and seeing he was concentrating at something away from me, tense in his seat, and sighed as well.

He could say that again...

OoO

It seemed, however, I wasn't the only one destined to receive invitations from Team 6.

"Sasuke! I've been looking for you _everywhere!_" A girl with dark red hair approached us suddenly later that day as we were collecting our books from the lockers. We both turned at the sound of her voice and though I had seen her around, I didn't really know who she was beyond the fact that she was in Suigetsu's team and didn't get along with the boy at all.

"What do you want, Karin," Sasuke said in a tired voice and I was surprised at the familiarity with which he regarded her. She frowned for a second at his tone, eyes narrowing under rectangular glasses, before adapting a sly smile once again.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go to the Christmas show with me, and have a little fun afterwards," she winked, leaning against the lockers beside Sasuke's, uncomfortably close to the other boy.

"I don't think so," Sasuke replied bluntly, and I wasn't surprised. He had turned everybody else down.

"What!?" the girl exclaimed as Sasuke shut his locker. "Why not? It wouldn't be the first time, Sasuke," she grinned and I frowned in response, wondering what she meant. Was Karin Sasuke's ex?

"That was a one-time thing and you know it." Sasuke hitched up the bag on one shoulder and turned away so that I could see his passive, if slightly annoyed face.

"Why! It was great! You have to admit we had _plenty_ of fun," she smirked and suddenly I knew exactly what she was talking about. For some reason my eyes narrowed and I glared at her, but didn't intervene as Sasuke said,

"I was drunk. Leave it be, Karin, it's never going to happen again," and started walking away. I hesitated for a moment, looking back at the huffing girl. She was attractive in her short skirt and leather jacket, looking punkish with the piercing in her bottom lip. I had no idea what Sasuke's type was, but someone as rough as Karin certainly seemed to be a likely candidate.

"What are you staring at, dork?" Karin snarled at me and, slipping out of my thoughts, I just grinned and shrugged, turning away and trotting towards Sasuke to catch up. As we had discovered early on, we could walk part of the way together, even though it was barely ten minutes once we got out of the campus, for Sasuke had to catch a bus that passed not terribly far from my neighbourhood.

"Wait up!" I called to Sasuke, who slowed down a little as I zipped myself up well against the cold temperatures of winter. I wouldn't be surprised if we had a white Christmas.

"So..." I started after we said goodbye to everybody and started walking home. "Is Karin you ex then?"

Sasuke glanced at me once and I grinned back, even when he sighed in what seemed like irritation.

"No, we just had sex," he replied bluntly and I started, surprised at his ability to say that so casually.

"Oh! Er.." I said, even though it was what I had suspected and Sasuke looked at me in amusement.

"What? Don't tell me you're shy about sex. Aren't you a little old to be blushing about it?" he teased and I glared at him in response.

"Piss off, it's not that, I was just surprised. Normally people don't say it just like that," I muttered, "Was she your first?" I insisted, making the most os Sasuke's casualness with sex.

"Yeah," he shrugged and smirked at me. "Is that a problem?"

"No," I growled and Sasuke chuckled a little as I continued to glower. I found it strange to think that that Karin girl could have pleasured Sasuke; could have gotten under his skin in that way.

"What are you looking like that for? You wish it had been a boy?" he asked, eyes looking straight into mine and it took me a second to understand what he was implying.

"No!" I cried out, blushing brightly and cursing myself for doing so. Sasuke let out his breath in a dark laugh, teasing me, and I crossed my arms, upturning my nose.

"You're too conceited," I pointed out as we crossed the road to where we would have to part and Sasuke smirked.

"Next time don't look so jealous then," he responded and I glared a goodbye as, laughingly, he turned away, heading for the bus stop. I watched him for a second, huffing, before also walking away. Sure, I was crazy, but the guy was just plain strange.

I hunched up against the cold wind, thinking about Sasuke, my mind fluttering back to the day in the rain, like it often did, only to quickly change topic unto the day's events, and if I should pop over to Gaara's or not.

With relief I reached my apartment building and entered the tepid air with a smile. As quiet and intimidating as my room sometimes was, there was nothing like warm building when it was cold outside.

Slowly and noiselessly I treaded up the stairs. Did I have ramen for that night? What would Gaara have for dinner? These were the types of inane thoughts that trailed across my mind when my breath suddenly caught in my throat, inhaling a gasp as I quickly took a step back, retracing my way slightly down a stair. I has stopped just in time to hopefully not be seen or heard as the low voices of two men arguing outside my apartment door reached me.

"Fuck off already! You said the little shit was here, it's your fault if we didn't catch him, you had to drop that pissing stolen car at the garage and-"

"Will you shut the hell up? Lower your voice or I'll lower it for you," another, muffled voice replied and my heart raced. Shit. Shit shit shit. These were obviously not good people, and they were there for me and oh god why the hell was there matrix music in his head? Everything seemed to be _speeding_ up and this wasn't good.

It wasn't good.

But the truth was that I felt some of the old exhilaration, a worn, guilty thrill. These men were not going to get me. I wouldn't allow it. (_Then why did I feel so afraid? A lamb before the wolf, hopeless.)_

"Let's go al-fucking-ready then. It's not like we're going to do anything, we'll lie about the chat. We have plenty of time," the first one was cajoling, but the second one cut in with a,

"No. We're staying."

The thrill was dying down and I realised I may be in real trouble. I had peeked for only a moment and it was two men in black suits, something red - probably a cufflink- flashing by their wrist. What if these were the people Jiraiya had been trying to protect me from? What if after only these few months they were there, they had found me; and if they knew where I lived they could figure out other things and I would never be able to escape. For the rest of my life they would be hunting the

demon

inside me.

As silently as I could I went quickly down the stairs, into the sharp air once again and to Gaara's, which seemed to have becomed quite the refuge. But even as I entered his apartment, the voices of the men were in my head, haunting.

They had found me. Had they found me? Was I sure? They had, they had...but then why were they waiting? Were these people someone else, or were they my nightmare, the ones who would drag every skeleton I had buried out?

"Naruto?" Gaara asked as I stepped into his room, panting slightly. He was staring at my face and maybe I was pale because I felt slightly faint and worried and a little sick because I didn't want to leave Konoha...but I was so tired of fighting. I didn't even know what a normal life was; a life where the upmost worry was exams and the worst regret a letdown in some friendship.

"I'm ok, just...I'm ok," and I threw myself on Gaara's bed. I heard him grunt before _Elegy for Durkik _played from his laptop and I felt a frown pull my features down. The slow strings that filled the air and the high, solitary violin that sometimes pierced between the notes. I squeezed my eyes shut.

My heart was still racing.

That had happened so fast. I had barely thought, really, except the worry that coursed through me. The ancient fear.

My first thought was to tell Jiraiya what had happened, or Tsunade, but I found myself discarding the thought for the moment. I didn't want them to worry or, even worse, send me away because of the little episode. Maybe I was blowing it out of proportion. I lived in a bad area, the men could have found the wrong apartment; maybe they weren't even looking for me.

Maybe I was still safe.

But the thought seemed hollow and frayed inside me. Like the terrible start of a war, when you don't know if it will be initiated at all and, if it does start, how long it will last, how many things it will kill.

What would have to be done to end it.

And whilst it hasn't begun you believe it never will, it never can, and telling someone about it would only tempt fate, I thought. It may have been illogical and ridiculous but the truth was the truth; I was afraid.

I was too shell shocked to survive another war.

Inside my mind a memory surfaced as deep, mourning voices were raised from between the crying strings, vivid and quick and worn.

_I knew I would never forget his eyes, which looked as if they had never slept; red and ringed and staring. He would let me go, he had said, even though I had no hope or want for rescue. I would leave the frying pan and leap into the fire but that had been my life for so long that I was beginning to wonder if there had been a time when my mother had sung me to sleep._

"_Naruto...Naruto...do you know why I wear this?" the man said, and he indicated the black robes that were interrupted with crimson shapes, handprints or clouds. I said nothing, did nothing, simply continued staring at the morbid pattern on the cloth. _

"_It was the first person I killed," his voice was cold but I could hear the pleasure in it. My fists clenched, head bowed. "I put the gun to my best friend's head and shot him. I remember looking at the dirty wall where his brains were smeared...red against black...and smiling."_

"Gaara..." I whispered, and I could hear his chair creek as he turned to look at me. "Do you think this will ever be over?" I asked quietly, not opening my eyes. For a moment the silence was filled only with the elegy, and I figured he wouldn't have an answer for a question he didn't understand but instead of _'I don't know'_ he said,

"Everything that has a start has an ending," he said and I opened my eyes slowly as the song faded out.

He was right. I only had to hope that their ending concluded before mine.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A/N

...

Erm. Ok. I don't really know what to say. I'm really embarrassed that this is so late. Half of it was written before I posted the last one but then bad stuff started happening and with exams coming up and everything, it just got pushed back. I'm not even happy with the result but after having it almost done for more than a week and not knowing what to do about it I decided to just post it and move on. I haven't even replied to all the reviews and I am so, so sorry. I'm not just saying that, but by the time shit stopped it was so late that I didn't know how to go about it even though the reviews were absolutely wonderful and I love you all!

And I love that last song... :3

Give me some love. Even if I don't deserve it.

Promise that the chapter after the next one will make it up to you :D


	12. Chapter 11: Showtime

_Estranged- Guns 'n' Roses, live era 87-93_

_Degausser- Brand New_

_**Shiver**_

**Chapter 11/interlude: Showtime**

The spotlights were so hot. Hot, hot, and blinding. The glow they produce was melting into my skin, into the sweat on it, turning into an exhilaration that lived only onstage.

It was the Christmas show and my turn to shine.

Since I had been informed that I would be playing in the performance, I had been looking forwards to this day. I had never been stage shy, and the chance to show off my skills had always thrilled me like little else could. Half the music lessons had been dedicated to practicing our songs which we could then use for the exam, meaning that we had to play expertly, with an assurance of professionals. But as I stood on the hard wood of the stage, I wasn't thinking about exams or grades or school. I had the adrenaline of performance in my veins, creating a buzz through me that needed no drug to get me high. My hands were shaking against the keyboard as

I blinked my eyes at the invisible crowd, just a mass of chattering expectation that I was going to make sure I wouldn't let down. My eyes slid to Sasuke as if they couldn't help but look at his form posed against the electric guitar in his skinny black jeans. Black, black, black everything against white. He looked composed, intense. Ready.

The ends of my nerves were alive with feeling. I felt like I was just about to expire or fly. Fly, fly, fly.

It was showtime.

I closed my eyes and let my fingers fall on the piano, taking a deep breath that echoed against the microphone on the stand.

_When you're talkin' to yourself_

I started, moaning the words past chapped lips. My breath rasped, trying to gather up enough to sing what I had to say. With the first line, it was as if nothing but the music left my head. I wasn't thinking to please, right then, to perform. I was just part of something else.

_  
And nobody's home  
You can fool yourself  
You came in this world alone  
__**Alone.**__  
_

I whispered the last word, and then Sasuke's guitar was wailing, my staccato piano accompanying the crying sounds, the drums setting a steady beat.

_  
So nobody ever told you baby  
How it was gonna be  
So what'll happen to you baby?  
Guess we'll have to wait and see_

I sang, voice rough, almost obnoxious. I didn't care, didn't care; a warning, a truth.

_  
One, two!  
_

The instruments were a wave over the sudden cheering. People knew what I was singing about. And if they didn't, they could feel it in their bones. What I meant. What the sounds were telling.

_  
Old at heart but I'm only 16  
And I'm much too young  
To let love break my heart_

_Young at heart but it's getting much too late  
To find ourselves so far apart  
_

I confessed.

_  
I don't know how you're s'posed  
To find me lately!_

_An what more could you ask from me?  
How could you say that I never needed you?  
When you took everything  
Said you took everything from_

_Me!_

I shouted, opening my eyes wide and slamming on the keyboard. _Everything, everything_, I almost thought, because my mind was so full of drum beats and guitar that it was hard to form a mental sentence.

_  
Young at heart and it gets so hard to wait  
When no one I know can seem to help me now_

I closed my eyes.

_  
Old at heart but I musn't hesitate  
If I'm to find my own way out  
_

Opened them, looked into crowd and whispered,__

Still talkin' to myself and nobody's home  
_**Alone**__  
_

The crowd roared, a public in my confessional box. I looked as Sasuke, hips jutted out against his guitar, and licked my lips. __

So nobody ever told us baby  
How it was gonna be  
So what'll happen to us baby  
Guess we'll have to wait and see

And then I closed my eyes and played the piano. Liquid fingertips on white and black, whitewhitebalckwhitewhitewhite. I could barely breath, and it didn't even matter. Nothing, nothing even mattered.

I was swaying and as the drums built up the crowd did as well. Only school kids and teachers and strangers but I was injecting passion into the air. I could feel their screams as they could mine, sweat and spit and noise in the air. __

When I find out all the reasons!  
Maybe I'll find another way  
Find another day  
With all the changing seasons, of my life  
Maybe I'll get it right next time

I grinned, in hope, hope, hope.

Hope.

_  
An now that you've been broken down  
Got your head out of the clouds  
You're back down on the ground  
And you don't talk so loud  
An you don't walk so proud  
Any more, and what for  
_

Sasuke swayed against the guitar and I left the piano completely to go by his side, typical capricious singer, lips on his neck, smiling as he closed his eyes against the music, laughing, breathing in the song of his pick and fingertips and strings and electricity. __

Well I jumped into the river too many times  
to make it home  
I'm out here on my own, an drifting all alone  
If it doesn't show give it time  
To read between the lines  
'Cause I see the storm getting closer  
And the waves they get so high!

I wailed, my voice almost giving out, rasping in a cry that rang out.

_  
Seems everything We've ever known's here  
Why must it drift away and die_

I trailed away. And then smiled into the microphone, saying, _Ow. Yeah. _Then whistling in an echoing noise, followed by the whale-cries of the guitar. __

I'll never find anyone to replace you  
Guess I'll have to make it thru, this time  
Oh this time  
Without you

I knew the storm was getting closer

_And all my friends said I was high!  
Seems everything we've ever known's here  
I never wanted it to die!_

I admitted , letting the note ring out until I was out of breath, letting the music go with a sigh as the crowd blew up, cheering and clapping and I was grinning like an absolute idiot as all the music-class band-members panted in the rush of it all. I bounced over to Sasuke, crushing him in a one-armed hug as we ambled off the stage whilst the presenter complimented our act.

This was life. Right there, with the sweat and the hoarse voices and raw hands and ringing ears.

Right. There.

OoO

Next up was Sasuke.

The 'concert' was taking place outside and the playground was packed with the student body and visitors. Apparently the school was famed for having excellent talents and since the tickets were cheap or free there was always an excellent turnout. When I had found out that our crowd would exceed hundreds I hadn't really felt anxious or even weary, the latter of which Sasuke had looked. I had felt a deep thrill from the soles of my feet to a thrum in my head and had anticipated the festival ever since.

Especially for this.

The song he was playing didn't have a keyboard, Sasuke didn't want any back-up singers and flute-girl played the bass better than me so in the end I wasn't helping in that particular showing. That meant that I had no idea what song he was gonna perform or how he would do it, and my blood was boiling with anticipation. There were bodies pressed against me, the front less family-friendly, with seats and food stands at the back. A shot of lightning went through my veins as the presenter finally stepped off stage and when the lights came back on there was Sasuke, the only one I noticed, in the middle front of the stage, bathed with artificial light, hip bone cradling his guitar. His eyes were so dark.

Fuck.

There were only a few of second, filled with the shrieks of girls and roar of boys caught up in the moment because shit if Sasuke didn't look 'cool'. Sexy. _Fuckable_.

Damn, the moment was getting to my head.

And then the guitar started singing. The bass after that. The drums. It was slow. It slid over our skin. Enchanting.

And then his voice rang out.

_Goodbye to sleep,_

I shiver shot straight through my body.

_  
I think this staying up is exactly what I need  
Well take apart your head  
Take apart the counting, and the flock it has bred_

His voice was pure seduction. Almost whispering, it buried under my skin. His voice, the instruments, they were picking at my brain, disarming it. Unravelling me. __

Goodbye to love,  
Well it's alright I'll push you up  
Right against the wall

He moaned, and the swell of heat around me was suffocating, the people moving, screaming. I could practically feel my eyes dilate. Sasuke's lips were moving against the microphone, brushing against it, and I swallowed hard, hard. Hard.

_  
Take apart your head  
Chew it up and swallow it  
_

And he breathed, the instruments shouting suddenly, roaring, and the people with them.

_  
You're brought back but you're running_

He screamed. His neck was taunt, fingers still playing, playing, as his voice ripped the air to shreds. The bodies around me were crazy. I was crazy. Just moving, moving.

_  
I'll find sleep in the end tonight  
I can't shake this little feeling  
I'll never get anything right  
_

And the world calmed down some.

_  
Goodbye you liar,_

He moaned.

_  
Well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything  
Then you think you will inspire  
Take apart your head  
and I wish I could inspire  
Take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.  
_

And the line hit straight home.

_  
(goodbye my love)  
Bring you back but you're running  
(goodbye my love)  
I'll find sleep in the end tonight  
(goodbye my love)  
I can't shake this tiny feeling  
(goodbye my love)  
I'll never say anything right_

He was yowling, keening, mourning. I was shouting along with him, at him. With him. __

I'm on my own, never say anything right  
I'm on my own, never say anything right  
I'm on my own, never say anything right  
I'm on my own, never say anything right

His eyes were closed, and I closed mine with his. __

Well take me, take me back to your bed

He murmured.

_  
I love you so much that it hurts my head_

He gripped and pulled at his hair for a second, letting his other hands clutch at the microphone.

_  
Say I don't mind you under my skin  
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in  
When we were made we were set apart  
Life is a test and I get bad marked  
Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins  
The storm is coming, _

_The storm is coming in!  
_

And it was as if he were the storm he was warning us against, rolling clouds of thunder. Rumbling against our ears.

_  
You're brought back but you're running  
I'll find sleep in the end tonight  
I can't shake this little feeling  
I'll never get anything right_

I'm on my own, never say anything right

He had his eyes shut tight, jaw thrown open by the force of the words.

_  
I'm on my own, never say anything right_

Take me, take me back to your bed  
I love you so much that it hurts my head  
I don't mind you under my skin  
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in

He said as if spent.

_  
Well you're my favourite bird and when you sing  
I really do wish you'd wear my ring  
No matter what they say, I am still the king  
And now the storm is coming, the storm is coming in..._

There was a moment of almost perfect silence, at least to my ears, and then we all cheered as Sasuke took a step back, fighting for air, fisting and unfisting his hands, obviously in delicious pain. His cheeks were flushed and skin shiny with sweat, black blouse open and exposing his chest.

We were still screaming as he stepped away.

OoO

I'm not sure how it even happened. I was looking for him, of course, and maybe he for me, but I was in such a daze that it took me by surprise when I did find him. We both stank of sweat but it was almost good, proof that we had felt what we were doing. Everything seemed a little detached. The cotton-like feeling in my ears was like a step away from everything, a faint ringing in it as cells died.

I was still grinning.

"Oi! Hey, Sasuke!" I was probably talking a notch louder than usual, which was saying something, but with all the noises in the distance and inside me it really didn't matter.

Sasuke looked up from where he was putting away his guitar case and a flicker of a smile settled over his face; not exactly in the mouth but around the eyes, the slant of his eyebrows.

"Hey," he replied. We were in the fairly desolate car park, where Kakashi had told me his jeep was, storage for personal instruments, and so where he had guessed Sasuke was, correctly, going to be.

"Who was that song by? The one you sung?" I asked.

"Brand New," he said simply and I hummed in curiosity. Even with his jacket now on, bundled up, I could still see him in my mind's eye, singing his bloody soul out.

I took a step forward and Sasuke frowned a little at me, though I could see the curiosity in his expression. His back was to the car and I was cornering him in. Animals.

"I liked it." My voice came out deep and Sasuke was staring at me. His eyes were so Asian; slanted and dark dark dark. Holes.

"It's a good song."

"You sang it well."

I took a step closer. We were almost touching, and he looked a little pissed off but he wasn't pushing me away, and that was probably the best I was going to get. Because there was something about Sasuke that was irresistible. The way he didn't quite succeed in hiding himself. The way his defence was up, but cracked. The way he moved and breathed and smiled and sang.

I took a step closer, and then

"Don't be an idiot. Let's head back."

Shit.

I blushed, frowned, grinned, stepped back as I scratched the back of my head.

"Alright, alright. Not very good with compliments, are you!" I joked. Sasuke's eyes were dark, dark, dark.

We walked back to the festival where Kakashi was waiting with raised eyebrows and some aerobics show on. I knew Lee was one of them- anybody could spot that trademark bowl-cut hair and eyebrows from a mile away- but if I didn't know better I would have said that there was also a pissed-off looking Neji kicking his leg in the air in a green leotard.

Sasuke and I looked at each other and I burst out laughing.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A/N

Iiiiii'm back!

Ok guys, I know I'm totally made of fail but, see, I haven't given up! Exams and then being free- it all went to my head! But let's cross our fingers that I've gotten the grades to get into my choice of uni. :3

Right, this is just an interval, to get me into writing, you know. I'm having such a hard time getting these Naruto stories out. It's always the same with me. I'm so exciting at the start and then mid way its like -- meeergh. So you have to review and say- stop bitchin', Blahosaurus, and get a grip, woman!

And when the frick are Sasuke and Naruto gonna get it on??

...soon, my pretties.

Veeeery Soon.

Muahaha!


	13. 12: ho ho holy shit

_River- Madeleine Peyroux_

_Danse Macabre- Camille Saint-Saëns _

_Cry me a River- Julie London_

_Rock you like a hurricane- Scorpions _

_Cheers Darlin'- Damien Rice_

_**Shiver**_

_Chapter Eleven: Ho-Ho-Holy shit! _

It had been a long time since I enjoyed holidays. It wasn't that I was particularly fond of school- that was just another source of problems- but it had been a place where I had been relatively safe. Occupied. As normal as I was going to get.

And it had been a very, very long time since Christmas was nothing more that lights in artificial colours. Something other people celebrated. A day that was hollow of meaning; a party advertised everywhere to which I wasn't invited.

I remember one Christmas when I was eleven. I had escaped the nightmare of the apartment under a coincidence of lucky events whereupon my uncle was busy with 'fortunate' Christmas business. I had stolen one of his fake-fur lined jackets, drowning myself in it and hoping that he wouldn't notice, stepping out into the snowflakes that declared a white Christmas. The streets had been so empty, and in the orange windows I could imagine families laughing and eating together, as if the world were fair and bloodless. Even the homeless were avoiding the cold in alleyways, beside bonfires and hiding in food-serving charity events. I, however, had wandered around, liking the warmth of my body compared to the biting sensation on my face. Enjoying the solidarity even though it was at the same time painful because I knew that bad company was so much worse. My feet had stuttered over several block-worth of pavement until I finally curled up on the doorway of a diner, not going in as I had no money to pay for food. From inside a soft Christmas song had trickled out like frost, like the lull of numbness. I had curled up in the heaviness of my brown jacket and shut my eyes, smiling as the track sung,

_I wish I had a river_

_To skate away on..._

And as if the whispered words were a prayer a gentle hand had tapped me on the shoulder. When I looked up I saw what I thought was a petite girl, her hair in a bun, eyes big and kind and open.

"H-hi...Are you ok?" Her voice levelled just over the music, gentle as if I were and animal that was about to bolt, but her pose suggested she was prepared for a sudden attack. I had grinned, nodding.

"Yeah. Just a little hungry, I guess," I had replied. She seemed to be debating something as she looked at me and as suddenly as she came, left. Disappointed, I had buried my face in my knees again only to have her come back with a hamburger from the diner to share. I had been so surprised. Kindness was something people take for granted. But for me it was an exotic, rare thing that made people shine like miracles.

"Th-thanks," I had said, reaching out for the offered food. "I'm Naruto," I had gone on as she sat besides me and she had smiled, the first time and by far not the last as she said,

"I'm Haku."

I had no idea what I was getting myself into, who I had just met. But when the years passed and our fate was fulfilled I never regretted the Christmas day I met the river I would skate away on.

O

The last few years I had spent part of the Holidays with Jiraiya and it had been good, but I could tell he wasn't used to being paternal, though he had done the best that he could for me; inviting me to a meal and exchanging gifts in the morning. He had a tendency to over-drink, however, and would pass out early, leaving me awake throughout the whole of the night. Most of the time I would bundle up and curl on the fire-escape, watching the clouds or the moon for a trace of Santa's silhouette. I would watch the lights on the high street in the distance, like a human milky way, clouded by the white puffs the cold air bloomed into as I breathed. I would think of Christmases pasts, filled with carol-singing and the enticing, warm smell of cinnamon gingerbread men. I would look into the inky darkness and remember how mum had always read 'The Day Before Christmas' to me on that eve every year as I traced the pictures with a fingertip, the three of us curled in the sofa. Or that one time when we had gone ice skating and my dad had been the clumsiest of us all, slipping on the ice as mum giggled, graceful on the thin edges that slid in circles and figure eights.

But that was another world. The life of someone else; of a child who hadn't grown up. There was no point in mourning something so lost.

So when I found myself enjoying Christmas holidays like I had not done in years, it came as a strange experience.

I had never actually bought Christmas presents beyond those dedicated to Jiraiya, so it was quite the experience to go shopping with different people for all our friend's gifts. The first time was spent with Sakura and Ino who dragged me from shop to shop in the mall, chattering away about things that I was sure only made sense to girls, giving me advice and hinting on what they wanted as they bickered good-naturedly. It was as if we were functioning to some unheard, staccato tempo that lead us in a twirling, intricate, 'danse macabre'. We seemed to lounge suddenly in one place with an undercurrent of energy and then we would be zooming from one place to another, going in circles as they disagreed on what to do first until it was pure madness. By the end my feet were aching and I was as tired as a zombie.

I had also gone out with Kiba and Hinata on the High Street in a more muddled, slow pace, a meandering flute in my mind. We wandered about most of the time, Kiba half-complaining only to try and seem eager for his crush, Hinata, who shyly suggested different shops, becoming bolder as the afternoon wore on. At the end of it all I was just as tired as the previous shopping trip, but I had successfully bought everyone something. When I asked Shikamaru what he had done he had grunted 'online shopping' which, honestly, was no surprise. Sasuke had just shrugged in his usual mysterious way.

I spent the actual Christmas Eve with Jiraiya and Tsunade, a humorous and oddly familiar exchange. Tsunade, despite having the same amount of experience as Jiraiya with children, had much more potential to be maternal and she made sure Jiraiya didn't drink himself into a stupor and that I ate more than enough. We went out to watch the Christmas parade, made of costume and flashing lights and families and I felt part of something. The air was frigid and snow blanketed everything except where it had been shovelled out of the way, reflecting the flickering lights twisted to form presents or Rudolph or little creepy elves. We cheered and Tsunade hit Jiraiya several times over the head as he shouted lewd things and I laughed my guts out. As we trudged back home my cheeks were stinging from smiling and the cold where Tsunade ushered me to bed like a child, under heavy, warm blankets. I had slipped out of bed reluctantly after a few minutes, however, shivering as the wooden floor hit my bare feet for a glass of much needed water. As I opened the door of the guest room with a hush of sound, 'Cry Me a River' trickled into my room, distant, as if from another realm, another time. In the lowlights of the living room I saw Jiraiya and Tsunade sitting on the couch, shrouded in flickering shadows and yet seemingly glowing on their own. They were talking softly, leaning into each other, a glass of wine in their hands. Tsunade was smiling so unguardedly; a simple, pure expression, and I had realised that love didn't have to be sudden, aggressive, thrilled by heat and capriciousness. It could be slow and wise glow in the dark without killing it.

The later part of Christmas Day I spent with Gaara and his family, though I had barely been able to concentrate on what was happening because I would burst out laughing every time I saw Gaara sitting stoically with a Santa clause hat on. We drank eggnog, exchanged presents and suffered though a CD of modern Christmas songs.

Maybe to someone else all this would seem mediocre. Festive, but normal considering the circumstances. But for me...that level of acceptance, of just _being_ instead of _having to be_ was amazing. As I stood, bundled up besides Jiraiya and Tsunade or curled up in Gaara's couch, it was like I didn't even have to belong anywhere. It was as if I just _was_, without forcing anything, without having to be anything else but me.

I guess that's what you call being happy.

OoOo

I was surprised at how much time I spent with Sasuke. I was at his house constantly. It just seemed to happen. I was there on one of the first days of the holidays with Sakura to work on the project, and casually I had mentioned how I didn't have anything to eat at my house and somehow it had been decided that Sasuke could feed me or go shopping with me because I would end up buying food to fulfil an all-noodles diet. And when we met up it had been a 'see you later' which turned into a 'see you tomorrow' which turned into 'see you tomorrow at eleven to play some games and shit.'

I was starting to really love all my new friends, who, I realised, I had maintained for almost four months, but there was something different about Sasuke. It wasn't only that I had fun with him, or that his dry, sarcastic, sombre-faced humour made me laugh, or that I felt a connection with him through our scarred pasts. It was a pull that I felt even when we were just sitting beside each other, not doing anything. As if I could walk away and still think it had been a great moment.

Though, of course, that didn't mean I had stopped hating his guts superficially. We bickered constantly, and he never failed to prove how much of a giant, anal bastard he was. Ordering me around and calling me an idiot simply because I didn't understand something; that was something I hated. And yet even in that aspect, he made me angrier than I got with anyone else. In all aspects he simply made me feel _more_. Hot and cold and hot and cold; I couldn't turn my emotions off when around him. And it drove me crazy. I just wasn't sure if it was good crazy or bad crazy.

It was the day before the last day of the year and Sasuke and I were at his house, again, playing Guitar Heroes on the Wii. Again.

_Here I am, rock you like a hurricane!  
Here I am, rock you like a hurricane!_

I sang along roughly as we let out fingers sweep over the buttons and colours that lit up on the screen in time with the guitar. The bastard was better than me and made no effort to hide or be humble about it, but I compensated with my voice, shouting out the words and trying to throw him off track whilst doing so. __

My body is burning  
It starts to shout  
Desire is coming  
It breaks out loud

I swayed and saw that, despite the fact that we were on mode 'hard', he wasn't missing even _one_. I smirked, trying to concentrate on the directions the screen was telling me to follow (ooooorange yellowyellowyellow) but at the same time stepping closer to Sasuke, letting my lips brush against his ear in profile as I sang.

_  
Lust is in cages  
Till storm breaks loose  
Just have to make it  
With someone I choose!_

Sasuke made a growling, irritated sound as he took a step away but I laughed following his steps.

_  
The night is calling  
I have to go  
The wolf is hungry  
He runs to show_

I let my tongue run over my dry lips as I saw him close his eyes, jutting his hips out against the toy guitar in habit. His shirt rode up so that I could see a peeking of his hipbone, sharp and delicious looking. I had completely lost my place and the guitar on my side sounded empty on the speakers but I _really_ didn't care.

_  
He's licking his lips  
He's ready to win  
On the hunt tonight  
For love at first sting_

I moved away and tried to regain my place on the blurring colours, grinning as widely as my face could manage as Sasuke missed a couple of notes, cursing. We finished the song and I exhaled loudly, falling on the couch as Sasuke was proclaimed, once again, the winner.

"What the hell was that?" he frowned at me though I could tell there was no real anger.

"What was what?" I blinked at him innocently though the smirk I could feel around my eyes was probably betraying him. He glared at me and I laughed.

"Just a bit of fun. At least I don't get all..._threlvisty_," I proclaimed.

"Threlvisty? Is that even a word?" he asked. I raised an eyebrow.

"Yes it's a word. I thought you were supposed to be smart," I sniffed. Sasuke raised an eyebrow in retaliation to mine.

"I am. That's the problem. What exactly does it mean, then?"

"It comes from 'threlvist', which is a pelvis thrust. A guitarist's natural motion of body during his/her time of playing," I said smartly. Sasuke stared at me for a moment before chuckling and shaking his head as he unhooked the guitar strap and put the toy down.

"Right. Whatever you say, Naruto," he half-smiled and I kicked him in the thigh as he walked away, making him stumble forwards for a second before looking back and glaring at me. I followed him into the kitchen where I poured myself a drink and leaned against the kitchen counter.

"It's the last day of the year tomorrow," I commented a little sadly, a little happily. The conclusion of a year is always nostalgic, for all the things that have ended, all the regrets. But for the most part I enjoyed them. It gave me an opportunity for a clean slate. It created the illusion of more time, of having the opportunity of something great. That something good must happen. This time.

And as I spaced out in the kitchen, I felt a deep sense of hope that it was time for 'this time'. That my turn had come; that things were going to get (finallyfinally) _better_.

"Hello? Earth to dobe? Yes or no?" I heard and I snapped my head up to look at a frowning Sasuke. I blinked.

"What?"

Sasuke sighed, shaking his head, muttering.

"I said; do you want to spend New Years here?" he asked as if irked he had to repeat himself. I straightened up, staring at him.

"Really? oh...yeah, course. Thanks!" I said, surprised and flattered that he wanted to celebrate it with me. He turned away slightly, frowning and shrugging it away.

"Whatever, it's not a big deal," he muttered, but I smiled widely, laughing softly.

I could see your walls, crumbling, Sasuke.

And I loved it.

OoO

The one word I would use to describe the last day of 2007 would be _'warm'._

I arrived at Sasuke's in the early afternoon after a fairly sleepless night. My nightmares definitely reduced when I was happy and stress-free but they never seemed to disappear and the cold in my badly insulated apartment added an edge to the night which made it harder for me to relax. Zombie limbed, eyes burning with exhaustion and cold, I trudged into Sasuke's apartment, sighing in pleasure as the cold air hit me.

"You look like shit," he said whilst I stumbled taking off my shoes. I straightened up and glared at him half-heartedly.

"You make me feel so special," I said, shedding my jacket and actually hanging it up instead of my usual show of leaving it on the ground until Sasuke pestered me into picking it up. As I turned around he was staring at me with elevated eyebrows.

"Hn," he intoned and I frowned.

"What?! Don't look at me like that- I actually hung it up this time!" I protested as we walked into the living room. He stayed silent and I thought he was going to do his usual brooding thing where I know he wants to say something but he keeps it inside. Instead, he surprised me by asking,

"Have nightmares again?"

The phrase froze me in my tracks and a charge of panic went straight from my brain to my toes.

"What? How...why do you say that?" I stuttered conspicuously. Sasuke stopped walking as well, turning around looking half annoyed.

"You told me you had nightmares regularly when you took a nap here," he pointed out. I frowned, trying to think. I vaguely remembered the nap incident, the day he had played me a song in his room, but I didn't remember saying anything about nightmares, which only worried me more.

"Oh...er...what else did I say?" I tried to say casually, but one of Sasuke's eyebrows rose slowly. "Nothing. Why, what else is there to say?" he drawled and I stared at him for a moment to make sure he was telling the truth before grinning, scratching the back of my head.

"Haha- nothing! Just making sure I didn't say anything stupid," I blew off and there was another pause. For a moment I could have sworn Sasuke looked disappointed or angry before he turned away once again.

"Like that doesn't happen everyday anyway," he snorted. I growled and punched him on the shoulder and we tussled into the middle of the living room until we broke it off with a laugh.

The rest of the day was peace itself. We didn't do much of anything. I was bundled up sleepily in a soft blanket that made my skin practically purr, flipping through his comics or watching a movie as Sasuke did a little of holiday homework or even let himself unwind with me. The serenity in laziness took its toll on me and I curled up beside Sasuke, my head not in his lap like a cliché but brushing against his leg as I balled up on the long couch. The last thing I remember was the gentle comfort and warmth of the room and the presence of Sasuke beside me before I sunk into oblivion.

And right before I slipped and drowned in black I heard a voice say,

"No more nightmares, Naruto," and the touch of a ghost on my face.

O

The clatter of plates and the smell of food roused me like nothing else from my sleep. I opened my eyes to lights that had been lowered for my benefit. I assumed the fairies of electricity had something to do with it because imagining Sasuke going around and tilting or shading or lowering lights for me broke my brain.

"Hmmm," I groaned as I caught the full scent of whatever was cooking in the kitchen and I blinked my eyes to get rid of the sleepiness. I felt unusually refreshed, unlike the usual grogginess that sticks to me after a nap.

"Come on dobe, food's ready," Sasuke called out, seeing me sitting up on the couch. I leant over the back of the sofa, sniffing the air.

"Yum yum, smells nice, wifey," I teased and I heard Sasuke curse me from the kitchen as I laughed and walked towards the meal. As is fit by tradition we were having noodles, long and winding to represent the year that had passed. I joked and chatted as we ate the hot broth, making my stomach heat me from the inside out. It felt so comfortable, so oddly fitting to sit there with him, talking, eating. Being.

We moved into the living room and then as we went from one topic and entertainment to another until we ended up in his room, playing around with his sacred instruments.

"It's twenty minutes to midnight," I pointed out. "We'll have to go down soon to watch the count down!" I propped the acoustic against the wall and bounced to the bed where Sasuke was fiddling with his MP3 player and speakers.

"Right. Firstly, though, we have to pick the last song of the year carefully," he said rather emotionlessly, as if it were mere tradition, but I stopped short at the words. Sometimes Sasuke was so cold it seemed strange that he would think up such strange, connecting habits. Quirks that made sense to me, that seemed significant. The last song of the year; something to wrap up all other sounds before the tong of bells. Putting it that way it was rather like Sasuke to want to end things neatly- on his terms.

"Yeah..." I said, and got the feeling that his invitation to celebrate New Years with him was a little more than a mere passing of a day or the want for company. Everyone has certain places, or traditions or dreams that they are scared to share in fear that people won't understand them. So when Sasuke got up and turned off the lights it was as if he had completely, utterly understood those moments I had had with my family, listening to music in the low glow of the living room, huddled together as if sounds could lace us forever.

I lay on the bed, and Sasuke did the same, head on the opposite end.

In the darkness, the first jazzy, slow notes of 'Cheers Darlin'' slid out, decorating the air like it was meant for the moment. The undertone of people talking as if in a distant party, the clinking of drinks in toasts we were not part of.

_Cheers, darlin'  
Here's to you and you lover...boy_

I closed my eyes as Damien started singing, his conversational, slurred voice in my ears. Loved the way he said 'boy', as if it pained him.

_What am I darlin'?  
A whisper in your ear?_

He murmured and a shiver ran down by body as he seemed to press his lips right against my ear. I listened to the mourning lyrics, the regret. He wailed in nostalgia, violins and guitars asking, _what am I, darling?_

His voice ripped the air as it raised, filling it, consuming us. I clenched my eyes hard because the song was burying under my skin, caressing its way past my boundaries.

_The boy you can fear?  
Or your biggest mistake?_

The piano trailed the song off, left it lingering, wanton in our minds. There was a while of silence before I opened my eyes, feeling I had to do _something_. As if the repentant words had awoken me from my denial. As if the sound of his voice had stirred within me a life that only understood music. A monster that opened wild, contained eyes at the sound of the last song of the year.

I wasn't even thinking. Wasn't planned, wasn't doing anything but feeling as I sat up and looked at the dark boy on the bed, a shadow across the mattress. I shifted and moved, across, closer. Sasuke started to sit up but I pushed him down, a hand on his shoulder. I could see the creases of his frown but I didn't care. Didn't care as I stared at him, the eyes that were darker than the shadows in the corners of the room. I let my hand trail from shoulder to neck, feeling smooth skin decorated by thin, invisible hairs. If time is a relative illusion then I can believe that it stopped at that moment for nothing moved, nothing breathed, nothing existed but this, this, and it only took Sasuke to open his mouth to say something for it to be lost as I descended, slowly capturing his bottom lips between mine, showing it was less about momentary passion and more about the end of just wanting it.

Butterflies sprung in my stomach as I half expected him to turn away. The very back of my mind was telling me Sasuke wasn't gay, that he would be upset at my actions, that he wouldn't be able to trust me. But then his lips started moving and thinking just stopped.

I slid a knee across him so that I had a leg on either side of him, bent down, our chests almost touching. His mouth wasn't hesitant but it was _almost_ shy, not venturing past the initial chaste touch. We pulled apart for a moment and my eyes flickered open to see that though he didn't seem guarded there was no surprise anymore, just a sort of intensity that made me lower again as his hand threaded through the hair at the back of my head and suddenly we were pushing harder, our mouths open so that our tongues made contact and my breath hitched oddly as the kiss went underwater. My thumb trailed across his chin as my hand cupped his neck, fingers lowering to push faintly against his pulse point as his fingers found my hip bone under my shirt and I shuddered. My mouth left his to lead a path down his face to his neck, whispering kisses across skin. He tilted his face back slightly and I felt my body grow hotter at the motion. I let my teeth drag slightly as his hand traced a line at the edge of my trousers teasingly before going up, brushing a thumb against a nipple so that I groaned into his neck, opening my mouth and leaving an open-mouthed kiss before catching his earlobe between my teeth, pulling slightly and returning to his mouth. My blood was bubbling, boiling, and the little noises Sasuke was making; the low pants, the hitches and breathy moans, were leaving me wanting more, more, more. As tongue slid against tongue again he arched up and our hips rubbed, making us both intake sharply before Sasuke suddenly rolled us around so I had my back against the bed. I made a startled, protesting noise but his chuckled kiss cut me off as he bit my lip, soothing it with his tongue, going lower to my own neck. For a second everything was too unreal. That Sasuke was kissing me, dragging lips against my pulse point out of his own volition. That the feeling inside me was caused by him- that I was making him feel the same way.

"Sasuke..." I whispered, and he paused for a second before kissing me hard on the mouth, letting me arch up as he had done as we pressed together, closer, closer.

As our kisses wandered, bells tolled in the distance and, unknown to us, time turned over a new leaf, and we spent the first minutes of 2008 on that bed, in the aftermath of Damien Rice.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A/N

Dudes! This chapter is totally on time! No, I am not sick, demented or suffering from post traumatic stress due to my alien kidnapping. I just rock that hard.

Ok, I hope you've enjoyed the much anticipated hook-up of our boys. My sister and Leta (much thanks to her) Every Dog Has Its Day liked it, so I'm now happy with the chapter. But it would be lovely if you could review this poor tremor of the body and give it some love. There just ain't enough love anymore!

Oh and as to the Damien Rice song, that's the one that inspired me to write the story so, no, no other song would fit. And the way he says _'boy'_ is just...


	14. 13: collision course

_New Resolution- Azure Ray _

_I'm not driving anymore- Rob Dougan_

_Hope there's someone- Antony and the Johnsons _

_Lost!- Coldplay_

_Joyful Girl- Ani Difranco _

**_They Are Night Zombies!! (They Are Neighbours!! They Have Come Back From The Dead!! Ahhhhh!)- Sufjan Stevens _**

_Shiver_

_Thirteen: Collision Course_

The bad thing about reality is that it doesn't have to be logical. Fiction, as absurd as it seems, needs explications, and order. But reality is often erratic and chaotic and those two adjectives suit my life perfectly. With and without Sasuke.

That night in the firework light of the New Year was more a step sideways than a step forwards. Something that took us somewhere else, but no closer to our goal. Not that we knew where or what we were heading to in the first place. But the secrets that made me were still in my within. Between us. Like a dark ocean we were unable to swim. Unwilling.

Despite this, the rejuvenated place we found ourselves in was much better than the one we had left. Laying on the couch that first day with Azure Ray in our ears, handing out and receiving heavy, deep kisses. The fragmented drums, the guitar that strummed as if it were on our skin.

Letting our breaths become short, almost desperate, as if each other's taste were much more important than oxygen. The way we stuttered gasps as our hands searched with closed eyes,

_follow blind.  
heavy eyes,_

_hold _

_po_

_si_

_tion_

for the movements we managed against each other. The teeth on skin, the tongue on tongue; it was more like a New Year's resolution than anything else. The voice that edged us on, the techno keyboard that raced.

_don't undermine,  
my new resolution.  
just to find,  
A different light, a new direction_

A resolution to make more. To be more than the removal of clothes, than the sharp collarbones under fingertips. Than the dry lips on hipbones and palms of hands over hard stomachs. To be like the music that haunts, to be always there, perfect, synchronised, instead of just acting.

_move on, move on.  
It's like the clock is pacing  
the break of dawn, and our hearts are racing.  
_

More than the pull of hair, dark against tanned skin, edging hisses from lips. Blond against pale, and the moaning aftermaths. More than just a race, like the sound that invaded my mind.

More than just two boys that did a lot,

but knew nothing.

OoO

"Have you seen my underwear?" I called out as I paced around the room naked. A sigh responded from the kitchen as I looked under the bed for the third time.

"No, Naruto, I don't know where your underwear is," came his exasperated voice, disjointed. "Were you even _wearing_ any?" he asked, half-teased. I snorted.

"Yeah! It's unhygienic not to, you know. Not that you bloody noticed, at the pace you were going," I retorted, grabbing a pair of his boxers and shoving sweatpants on, walking into the kitchen. He raised an eyebrow at the use of his clothes but his eyes lingered and his mouth said nothing. My best guess would be that he actually _liked_ seeing me in it, in more of a possessive way than anything else. I rolled my eyes but grinned, running a hand through my damp hair.

"Don't talk as if we had sex," he smirked, and I rolled my eyes, blushing a little at the memory of how we had stopped ourselves from going the whole way in the first few days. The reason for our hesitance was still half-lost to me. Because of lack of self-trust, I guessed.

"Whatever. I had you screaming my name anyways," I purred in his ear, pressing my chest against his back as he cleaned the tabletop.

"You wish, idiot," I heard him grow lowly, though instead of pulling away he leaned back slightly. I took that as an invitation for my ever-working libido and tilted my face, pulling lightly at his earlobe with my teeth as I grinned into his neck. There was a second where the whisper of his lost breath was heard before he elbowed me in the stomach, so that I had to pull away, groaning.

"You crazy bastard," I complained, rubbing my stomach as he smirked over his shoulder before turning to wash his hands. I watched him for a while, so natural, and was grateful that no awkwardness had grown between us. We were both too stubborn for it. Too hard-headed to talk about what was happening. Because making out with a friend isn't as casual, or even as dramatic, as fiction sometimes makes it seem. But it was confusing and new and a little unsettling. For me, however, it was less about a giant revelation or step and more about fulfilling a potential that had always been there.

The problem was that things are never that simple. Because I could have easily said that little had changed, beyond the physical. And that was _almost _true. But with the new discovery had come new potential. The potential to let Sasuke in deeper, where danger lay. To allow him to wedge himself under the surface, and into the realm of my mind that was made of chaos, or the past. Of what I made myself. Of what other made me. There was a voice in my head scared shitless because I was being stupid. Things which started with a kiss never ended well, in my experience.

And yet...I couldn't stop myself. Didn't _want_ to. I ignored what was best for me, for what felt best in the moment. I was a creature made more of impulsiveness than anything else and that's why I stepped forwards again, my head a mess, my lungs aching.

I had to start separating my past from the present, but that was much more easily said than done. Because every part of me, every reaction and instinct, functioned on what the past showed me. The kissing, the held hands, the days spent together. It wasn't love, wasn't romance. Maybe it wasn't even just lust. It was the inevitable. The solution to the problem we had both chosen. The end of the road we had taken.

Rome.

I pressed against his back again, trapping him against the tabletop around the sink. I turned the water off and caught his hands together between mine. The world was spinning, and we were the only one that were still, damp hands clenched around each other. There was a thrumming around me, as if the world were one giant speaker, making the air ripple and pulse and driving me at 770 mph, straight to insanity. Rob Dougan was playing somewhere, I didn't know where. Another world, maybe, or straight in my head. The pulsating symbols. The Cellos that wrapped around us so tight they might rob all breath from us.

The rough, heady voice of destruction.

_You tell me I can't slow down  
you tell where I've gotta be  
I __speed__ into the darkness  
but I swear that I can't see a thing in front of me  
You know its true  
I'm not driving anymore,  
I can't keep up with you._

Sharp, piercing violins. A warning. I pressed my lips to his neck, keeping them there. Opened them slowly, letting them brush against the fine hair there, my hot breath making them ripple as I held Sasuke close.

"What are you doing?" I heard him ask, beyond the music, lightyears away. Where was he? Right there, right there with me, or did he not exist? Was he just a dream I had conjured out of necessity. Out of madness, slick creeping cannibalistic. Out of the roaring in my ears.

I ignored him. Let the same slowness take over my movements as my now damp hands trailed across his arms, down his shirt, under it, to grip his waist, making him jerk slightly at the coldness. But he didn't pull away, still, and I wondered why as my lips continued their course down his shoulder, where I had pulled the material of his shirt down. Soft touches, a mixture between complete chastity and an interruption of opened mouth kisses, tongue tasting the saltiness of skin.

"Naruto," he said, and I let my forehead rest against him, nose caressing his skin.

"Sasuke," I whispered.

_You're closing in behind me  
Well I've got __headlight__ in my eyes,  
Don't you get too close to me  
Can't you see that we'll collide,  
and end up casualties  
there's just no room  
I'm not driving anymore,  
I can't keep with you_

"You have no idea what you're getting yourself into."

A build up of strings, foam and salt, a tower.

I took a step back and he turned around and I took a step forward and this dance was half macabre because when we kissed we bit, and our nails were digging into each other's skin and,

The music was slowing down but we were racing forwards and,

_So leave me on my own,  
Run me down and race away from me  
I've got nowhere to go to,  
And I don't think I can get back on my feet,  
back on my feet_

Our hands were searching for something we weren't sure the other had. And it didn't even matter, because it was the searching that mattered. I yanked the T-shirt off him and kissed him again as he dragged his nails down my back, so hard it hurt. I dug fingers into the muscles of his chest, knuckles against his nipples, There was just no stopping us, this, this us.

_You came right out of nowhere  
Eyes wide and terrified,  
and I can't put my __brakes__ on,  
And I can't swerve to save your life  
cause then I'll lose control,  
and I can't choose  
I'm not driving anymore  
I can't keep up with you_

I kissed him open-mouthed, losing innocence at once. Ran my tongue across his, his teeth, pulling at his lips until they were sore and swollen and mine. Clutched his hair and pulled him so close it hurt and I knew he was surprised but I kept going anyway, and so did he. He was pulling at my shirt, licking the droplets of water at my temples, removing clothes and touching me as much as possible at the same time. I unbuttoned, unzipped his pants, somehow, and he stepped out of them, twisting us so that it was my back the counter was digging against. It was a sort of madness, what we had gotten ourselves into, a desperate race forwards to nowhere as I hooked my leg upwards and reached behind to squeeze and push his ass forwards, closerclosercloser. I gasped hotly against his skin, biting as hard as I could at his shoulder for a moment and when he cried out in anger I hissed,

"Do you have any idea?"

_So leave me on my own  
Run me down and race away from me_

The pleading in our heads, in mine.

_  
I've got no where to go to  
I don't think I can get back on my feet,  
back on my feet._

And he yanked my trousers down, rubbing the palm of his hand against my length and growled,

A shriek of violins,

"I don't fucking care."

_Get me out of harm's way,  
Can't you see I'm paralyzed,  
I wanna fade out gracefully,  
but you keep keeping me alive  
to face another day,  
can't you see I'm through  
I'm not driving anymore,  
I can't keep up with you._**  
**_Can't keep up with you_

A harmony of strings, sliding against each other, up, up, up.

I cried out a mangled version of his name and he rubbed against me, growling in my ear. Biting it, clawing at my skin as I scraped his. More of a war than a love story, but in any case the rules of the game were nil. Playing soldiers instead of doctors, we were made for destruction, because I knew too well you had to taste dirt before air.

_Tell me how long have I got, God  
I wanna end this earthly toil  
Till this __diet__-light expires  
I wanna go __swimming__ in the soil  
and not come up for breath_

A howl of a voice, a shout, a scream. Scars against thighs, chests, backs, necks, tongues.

_sit in God's room  
I'm not driving anymore,  
I can't keep up with you._We were crazy. The sounds we sunk inside in were insanity, chaos. As morbid as a car crash.

_I'm unfit for consumption  
I don't know how to play my-_

OoO

"Oi kid, how did the rest of your holidays go?" Jiraiya's voice said through the phone as lazed on the couch, ignoring the homework Sasuke had ordered me to sort out.

"Really good, yeah," I said, almost smirking at the memories. There was a momentary lapse before his voice came through.

"What's that tone for? What happened?" I could hear rustling and suspicion from the other line and leaned back, grinning. It seemed that all that time I had spent with him hadn't fallen on dull senses. Though it sometimes seemed Jiraiya wasn't very attentive to, well, anything beyond sake and breasts, his attention did sometimes sidetrack to his job and my life.

It was a rare thing, though.

"Nothing," I smirked, and he snorted in my ear.

"Yeah right, brat. Oh well, that Uchiha brat needed to get laid anyway."

I choked on my own spit at that, spluttering a, "W-what!"

"Oh come on," his low voice teased, "nothing else could make you sound like that."

"And what the hell is 'like that?!" I demanded.

"Stupid."

"Urgh. Whatever, you old pervert," I grumbled, blushing. It was a little frightening to witness how well he knew me.

"So it's true then? Hmm..." he said musingly, and there was a long pause where I occupied my fingers with fidgeting, eyes darting around my living room.

"So?" I asked finally.

"So what?"

"So...what do you think?" I mumbled, scratching the back of my head, and heard him snort.

"Brat, I prefer not having an opinion on your sex life."

"Hey, it isn't-"

"But I'll tell you one thing," he interrupted me. "Think carefully in what you are getting yourself into."

"...I know what I'm getting myself into."

"No you don't. No, don't interrupt me. Listen, brat. I know perfectly well you haven't told your friends anything. At all. And I'm not saying you should. And I'm not saying you shouldn't. But...holding so much in, kid, is gonna kill you. You gotta decide, do you trust them, or not? Don't wait until it's too late."

I closed my eyes, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my fingers.

"I just..."

"I know, kid. I know. But there's a thin line between self preservation and cowardice."

"I'm not a coward," I growled.

"I know."

There was another pause, even longer than the last, awkward and crackling and with a thin line of strings in the background before I sighed and conceded and 'ok'.

"Right then. I gotta go." He said, and I smiled a little at his typical abruptness.

"Ok. See ya, old man."

"Take care, kid. And use protection!" He laughed before clicking the line shut. I shook my head and leaned my head back.

If only it were as easy as that.

OoO

It was dark.

I didn't know where I was. The past, now, there, here; flashes of ghosts were swimming past me. The sandy basement. The cages. The mud on the carpet. And then the eyes; accusatory, pleading, keening, scarring.

And yet all I could hear was a piano. Gentle, melancholic. It was wrapping itself around me, and I was unsure if it was suffocating or delivering breath.

And from the deepness of the cave I was stuck inside, the void, tremble a voice. It rippled the air around me, a funeral procession, a wish, a lost chance.

_Hope there's someone  
Who'll take care of me  
When I die, will I go..._

I blinked and was in my room. The orange walls, the cracked ceiling, the lack of windows, the dirty carpet. The heavy, damp, Whirlpool air. I got up and there was a mirror on the wall with a boy who had red eyes and a sickness inside of him that couldn't be handled. Razors, pills, rooftops and bridges, bullets and freezing cold water. The exit signs I saw were all dull and collapsing and pathetic, and so was I.

_There's a ghost on the horizon  
When I go to bed  
How can I fall asleep at night  
How will I rest my head_

I tried to breath but notes got stuck in my throat. Fragments of words, blacks and whites, strings. And that shivering sound that wondered where life was going to take it next.

Blinked,

And was at the beach at night. The moon was round and red and sleepless and Haku was crying. Everything was crying, dripping, blurring. And holding on to something wasn't enough to fix it. And wishing something to be enough doesn't make it so. Being lost doesn't mean you're going to be found.

_Oh I'm scared of the middle place  
Between light and nowhere  
I don't want to be the one  
Left in there, left in there_

Blink, Blink, Blink. The snake, the fox, the scorpion. The past. That dug its claws into my skin and dragged me down, but the pianos were slow and patient, and the singing that wept was healing. And when it changed, when the keys were pressed harder, and when the voice howled, it meant they were flying, as tired as they were. A build-up in my ears. Like the roaring waves of the black sea, salty on our lips as it crashes down on us, hurting, cleansing, shredding the difference between one thing and another.

Blink.

Just another place. The cold air. The thick sheets, the insanity.

And yet, I wake up whispering, and smiling,

_Hope there's someone  
Nice to hold _

_When I'm tired..._

OoO

Shikamaru was kind of staring at me.

We had all gone back to school with the usual slowness to get used to the routine. But habits die hard and we fit into our place easily. Sitting in our places, back to the world of early nights and timetables. Hanging together every day and apparently having the group genius stare at me rather creepily, in his half-lidded, lazy manner.

"What?" I said defensively. We were the only ones from our group in the common room, being our free period and having opted not to go to the library. He raised his eyebrows in question, as if it were me who were staring.

"I didn't say anything."

"...I know. But you're staring at me."

"Hmm..." he said, and didn't even blink. I twitched.

"What? What, what is it? Do I have something on my face?" I asked, pawing at it. Shikamaru sighed leaning back on the plastic chair.

"No. I was thinking," He stated simply, and I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Thinking about what?" I asked suspiciously.

"Sasuke and you," he replied, and I started, tensing in a moment.

"What about us?" I wasn't sure if I liked where this was going. If Shikamaru had a theme tune it would be a deceptively simple-sounding one. Some detective-sounding piano and metal wind instruments...calm and slurred and yet the sounds would twine around each other, slipping into one ear, leaving the other, until it creeps into your head and reads everything you thought was hidden.

"Are you together?" he asked bluntly, slouched in his chair, and I blinked, blushing a little.

"Together?" I asked scratching the back of my head.

"Yeah. Together."

"Erm...I guess," I mumbled. Together? It's not exactly like we were _going out. _It wasn't something that had to be explained or defined. We hung out. We made out. At the moment, it was as simple as that. I knew that like Shikamaru's tune, that was only the surface of things. If Sasuke started asking questions, wanting to know my past... If he wanted me 'figured out' then problems were going to arise. But meanwhile...it was just what it was. No more. No less. We didn't have to figure it out at the moment.

"Why? How did you know?" I asked, not really expecting an answer. He shrugged.

"I just did," he said simply, and I decided Shikamaru could be a little annoying sometimes. "You should tell Sakura," he said suddenly, and I raised my eyebrows at him.

"What?"

"You should tell Sakura," he repeated. I stared at him.

"Why?" he started at me. And I sighed.

"Yeah. Ok,"

Bloody fucking geniuses.

I hated them all.

OoO

"So. What do you want?"

Tsunade was sat at her desk, some thin-rimmed glasses I had never seen before posed at the end of her nose as she looked over here breasts at a fan of papers. I scowled at her and then sighed. I had debated telling her about the men I had seen at my door, and conceded that it was time I was safe rather than sorry.

"Old hag...the other day..." and I told her about the men in suits. How I had frozen on the stairs, and what they had said. That I had gone back to Gaara's and stayed the night, returning early in the morning to find that they were gone. How I had checked the hallway and house for anything; bugs or cameras or bombs, and found nothing. I kept the detail of the gun in my hand to myself. The odd, tense fear that was too low in quantity to be normal. Because, well, it's not like I wasn't exactly practiced in dealing with those kind of people.

"You should move." That was the first thing Tsunade said as I finished, her eyes hard and papers forgotten. I sighed, shaking my head.

"I don't think so, Grandma. If those men were really looking for me, then they'll find me again."

"That's not the point. Maybe they won't. And in any case, we would be making time."

"Time for what?" I asked silently. Time for when they got me? Killed me? Tortured me for the information I held? She didn't say anything, only sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"Look, old, hag," I said, "I'm not gonna spend my life running. I'm just telling you cause I know you would want to know, but I don't expect you do be able to do anything about it." At this her frown deepened, but I shook my head. In the back of my head Colplay was playing, with claps and ringing, undulating guitars and a determined voice.

_Just because I'm losing  
Doesn't mean I'm lost  
Doesn't mean I'll stop  
Doesn't mean I would cross_

"Don't worry, ok? I've been in worse situations," I said, smiling.

"That doesn't exactly make me feel any better," she replied, shaking her head. I grinned, shrugging, because it was the truth.

The fact was, those men were most likely after me. After my past, and the demons inside me. But until they decided to strike, I could do nothing. There was no point in being afraid, in hiding before they were really looking. If life had taught me anything was that an offensive was the best kind of defensive.

I wasn't gonna just roll over and play dead now.

OoO

"Hey, Sakura."

Light was already dimming outside as I walked towards Sakura, arms wrapped around herself to shield from the cold. I had asked her to wait for me at the gates so we could 'catch up', even though every time I thought about the idea of saying something on the lines of 'so, me and Sasuke are practically fucking each other, what do you think?" I cringed inside my head.

"Hey, Naruto. What did you want to do?" she asked with a smile. She looked good in her tight jeans and fashionable knitted sweater and I honestly wondered how she was gonna look when she knew.

"Lets go to that cafe near here." I would have chosen the park, in case she got upset, but the cold air that tinkled like bells in my ears was piercing, with the clouded sky threatening January with snow.

"Yeah, ok, I'm freezing," she said, and we linked arms to preserve body heat as we walked forwards.

The fact that Sakura had a crush, maybe even loved Sasuke, was on the forefront of my mind. But I also knew that as hurt as she may be by the news, she wasn't irrational. She wouldn't blame me, or hate me, or anything. I wasn't scared of her reaction. It was more a matter of how hurt _she_ would be. I didn't want to make her cry. That was the _last_ thing I wanted to do. But I knew that if she was really a friend worth keeping, and I was convinced she was, she would never ask me to leave Sasuke for her sake.

'_Leave Sasuke'_. I snorted in my head. Somehow the phrase sounded stupid. Immature. As if anything could be as simple as that.

"So how was your New Year?" Sakura asked as we took our hot, steaming drinks from the bar to a little two-person table, tucked in at the back of the quaint cafe. She pulled her gloves off and smiled at me with pink cheeks. I grinned back out of habit, even as my stomach clenched. The situation was way too awkward. I had never been in a position where I had to _announce _any kind of relationship to anybody, and it seemed ridiculous to be in it. But, apparently, necessary.

"Good. Good. Actually...that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about..." I said, deciding it was best not to drag the anxiety out. I wrapped my hands around the hot cup and looked down, searching for a distraction. Sakura lowered hers from her lips and I caught her tilting her head slightly, her pinkish hair brushing her cheek.

"Oh? Naruto...is something wrong?" She asked worriedly, and I sighed, shaking my head.

"No, no, not really. I just...kind of think you should hear this from me." I looked up and she tensed slightly, obviously not looking forward to whatever I was about to tell her. I sighed again, blushing and scratching the back of my head. How was I supposed to do this?!

"Well...you see. It's not like it's...no well...urgh," I stuttered, pulling at my hair. Sakura stared at me and I shook my head to order my thoughts. "You see...it's about Sasuke and me."

As soon as I said that, her face paled and went frighteningly blank. For a second I almost rapped my tongue around a lie; that Sasuke and I had a fight. But I knew that would only complicate things.

"You see, er.." I went on, "we kind of...hooked up. Not that we're _going out_...I don't think. I mean, we only...I mean...urgh, I suck at this," I cut myself off, putting my face in my hand. Sakura said nothing and I peeked at her through my fingers as the pause elongated. She was just staring into the distance. Her hands were slack and her eyes unfocused and a tiny frown wrinkled the space between her eyebrows. I watched her silently, trying to come up with something to say, To guess what the hell she was thinking. But just when the silence became unbearable she turned to me with a smile that was as sad as it was happy and said,

"I don't know why I'm so surprised. I saw it coming a mile away," she sighed, shaking her head. Still smiling. My eyes widened and heart slowed down. "I'm happy for you. Both of you," she said, and she couldn't have meant it more. I stared at her, surprise, as a guitar strummed through my head. Melancholic, almost lazy. A soft-spoken voice sung; resigned, content.

_I do it for the joy it brings  
because i'm a joyful girl  
because the world owes me nothing  
and we owe each other the world_

"Sakura..." was all that came to mind. Because I remembered how her eyes had flickered to Sasuke when she took us to her place between the pink trees. Because the hopes you hold for the longest are the ones the hurt the most when they are crushed.

"Don't just...you should be...angry or something," I said tactlessly. She laughed a little, reaching over to squeeze my hand.

"I can't deny that I'm not sad. That I won't go home and maybe scream in my pillow and cry because part of me thought that...maybe...eventually..." Her eyes were bright and I felt my chest constrict painfully, a lump in my throat.

_and she looks me in the eye  
and says would you prefer the easy way?  
no, well o.k. then  
don't cry_

"But that was a small part of me. And I could see how you looked at each other- how he looked at you. And...I'm pretty sure you deserve this much more than me." She gave me half a smile.

"No." the singing voice sung wordlessly, a musical battle cry.

I looked at her for a moment before I scooted my chair to the side and closer to her, closing my arms around her and pulling her into a tight hug. She gave a startled gasp at the sudden movement but after a second she raised her hands and gripped me back.

"Thanks, Sakura," I whispered. She buried her face in my neck and said nothing. But we stayed there, in the dull lights of the cafe, with the strumming, chopped guitar and the voice of the woman who sung in my head.

OoO

Chords on a piano.

A dancing guitar.

Shivering symbols.

And then the strings came in. Twirling.

I closed my eyes. The window was damp and cold against my head as I leaned on it.

My smile was a murder. Dripping uranium, plutonium, fizzing holes in my skin.

The world was dark as a woman chanted,

_B-U-D-A. Caledonia! S-E-C-O-R. Magnolia!  
B-I-R-D-S. And Kankakee! Evansville and Parker City_

There was someone on the side walk opposing my building, staring at me. I raised the gun and placed the barrel against the cold glass.

"Come get me,  
bitch."

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A/N

Miracle of miracles. A chapter. A _new_ chapter. A new chapter that I actually _like_.

In the words of Napoleon Dynamite, "yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss"

Right. As always, sorry for the delay. Summer, you know. The heat. The sand. The sea. Blame God. XD

Riiight, a few people to mention. Firstly, 'Aiwin' because she's the one who gave me the word and definition for '_threlvisty_' and feeds me delicious, delicious music, and probably pisses coolness. Nuff said.

Aaand, 'MikoKriszty', cause she totally slapped me awake. Hopefully you can tell that this chapter is more music orientated. And I will modestly mention that the music in this chapter is pure sex and I would totally fuck that second song _bare_.

And, of course, my Leta 'Every Dog Has Its Day'. Laughing fits FTW.

But yes. This is your pilot speaking, saying; review or be eaten my Chinese pineapples.


	15. 14: the sounds of animals

_Can you feel it? -J__ackson Five_

_S__hape of my heart- Noah and the whale_

_C__urs in the weeds- Horse feathers_

_W__hile you were sleeping- Elvis Perkins_

_A__ny more- Aaron Thomas_

_Puppy toy-T__ricky _

**Shiver **

**Chapter 14: The Sounds of Animals **

_If you look around  
the whole world's coming together now.  
can you feel it, can you feel it, can you feel it!?  
feel it in the air  
the wind is taking it everywhere.  
_

I took a long lungfull of cutting air and felt the crisp sunshine that made everything shimmer fill me from the inside out. It was one of those winter days that look like summer and taste like snow. I couldn't keep the grin off my face as I sauntered into the school, which was saturated with chatter and fragmented edges of passing conversation, mixing with the steady drum beat and rich voice that wove between my strands of hair, tangling, untangling.

"Oi, Naruto! What's with the psycho smile?" Kiba asked as he settled his pace beside me. The trumpets, the keyboard, the noise- it was everything.

"It's a nice day. I love it when the sun is out," I chuckled, shoving him to the side so that he bumped against a pair of girls whose glares diminished as he apologised. A guitar was strumming electrically as a chorus sung,

_Can you feel it? _

_Can you feel it?_

_Can you feel it!?  
Can you see what's going down you?_

_Can feel it in your bones?_

I ducked and laughed as he lunged and we struggled down the packed hallway, stopping in mutual headlocks as we found our gang talking outside the common room door.

"Guys- what are you _doing?_ Seriously Kiba, you are drooling everywhere! Ew!" Ino admonished, hands automatically on her hips.

"Hey, why do you always tell _me_ off!?" Kiba complained as we untangled ourselves. "Naruto was turning all bohemian on me, discovering his inner-hippie. If I hadn't beaten some sense into him he'd be off, trying to make the world a better place with flowers and puppies that fart rainbows."

"Hey, fuck off. At least that would be better than your mangy mutt," I sniffed.

"Oi! Take that back, Akamaru is _not _a mangy mutt!" he howled, but before he could make a grab at me Hinata stepped forward tentatively and put a hand on his shoulder.

_Can you feel it!_

_Can you feel it!_

_Can you feel it?!_

"We have to go to our person tutor meeting," she said softly. Kiba looked at her and his attention was at once transformed and transferred into something softer. I rolled my eyes and noticed that Sakura was making half-awkward conversation with Sasuke and I remembered the conversation I had had with her a few days previous. But we had talked for a long time and there were no loose ends. All that had to be done was to become accustomed to what had happened and move on. Those Facts, however, didn't make me miss Ino's concerned look shot at Sakura as Sasuke turned to look at me, his smirk widening as I approached. But Sakura's eyes didn't stray and she brightened as she saw me.

"Hey, Naruto! I'm surprised you're not late," she teased as we waved goodbye to the rest of the group and towards Kakashi's classroom.

"So little faith!" I bemoaned good-heartedly and stuck my tongue out as Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Dobe," he snorted, but there was an edge of amusement around the corner of his lips. I smiled at him and dug an elbow into his side, letting my fingers brush over his arm as our eyes locked. My smirk widened as I realised the fine hairs had risen under my finger-tips and pulled away teasingly, winking devilishly over my shoulder as I turned to talk to Sakura who was already entering the classroom. We sat placidly around one of the small wooden tables, Sakura and I talking animatedly as Sasuke mostly sat and watched us or looked out towards the branches that tapped tunefully against an open window. A sharp breeze circled around us but laziness and the hot sunlight pouring into the room retained us from closing it.

Sakura was in the middle of a story I was sure to embarrass Ino with later when Kakashi came in, his long limbs bending at almost strange angles as he held up his ever-present book to his masked face. We silenced and stared as, slowly, he turned to us and said, "life is a winding and confusing path which implores no timetable," before plopping down behind the desk.

We stared.

"_Riiiight."_ Freak.

"So, how is the project going?" Kakashi said after an awkward pause which seemed to pass completely unnoticed by him. We looked at each other and rolled our eyes.

"Good! We've had fun doing it, actually, haven't we?" Sakura said and I nodded enthusiastically.

"Yeah, loads! We've been all around. Even to the 'red light district'" I airquoted with a snigger. "Should have seen Sasuke's face. He looked like he was gonna explode!" I laughed loudly and even Sakura chuckled behind her hand, trying to dissimulate as Sasuke glared at me.

"I _told you_ we shouldn't have taken that turn," he said through clenched teeth. I grinned.

"Sure you did, bastard. _I_ think you wanted to take us down that road. I mean, when that man asked you how much you were worth when you waited for us outside the shop we asked directions in, you _loved _it! Didn't he Sakura?" I taunted cheekily. Sasuke's enraged face as the sleazy man took him for a prostitute and offered only ten dollars for a blowjob had been by far the best bit out of the whole project. At the reminder Sakura burst into giggles.

"That was _not_ funny," Sasuke growled, making us laugh harder.

"Sasuke, it was _hilarious. _'What! Who do you think you are! T-ten dollars?! Is that ten dollars?! For _this_ hot ass? Dream on, sistah!'" I said, imitating Sasuke. Sakura was laughing fully now and Sasuke was one drop of blood from self combusting.

"I did _not _say that, Dobe!" he ground out.

"Whatever. You were _thinking _it, it was all over your face," I smirked. Sasuke's face darkened further.

"You're an uneducated imbecile," he stated.

"We're in the same education system, smartass," I replied. His eyes narrowed further.

"There is no sense talking to your inferior mind," and with a haughty sniff Sasuke turned away from me. Sakura and I exchanged amused glances.

"Oh, oh, what's this? Sasuke, out of witty banter?! Quick, grab your skates, hell's frozen over!" I joked, but Sasuke remained resiliently silent.

"I see. Well done, you've completed the project perfectly," Kakashi said suddenly. I turned to him with a frown.

"What do you mean? You haven't even _seen_ it yet, it's not due till next week," I said suspiciously. Kakashi's eyes closed in a smile.

"Well that's it for today. You can leave now," he said, and with no further ado got up and left the room. We blinked after him.

"He _is_ a bit eccentric, isn't he?" Sakura said as we got up from our seats.

"Freak o' nature is what he is," I responded, twirling my finger beside by forehead in a 'screw-loose' sign. Sakura giggled.

We stepped outside the classroom and I glanced at the still quiet Sasuke.

"You giving me the silent treatment?" I asked and waited for a response but Sasuke ignored me completely. I shuffled towards him and put my chin on his shoulder as we walked.

"I was just kidding Sasuke. I _know _you're worth _way_ more than ten dollars," I sniggered. I could practically feel him roll his eyes.

"Moron," he grunted.

"Oh, the insults! The pain!"

"You really are completely stupid aren't you?" I clutched at my heart at his words and started singing teasingly,

"_Oh when I look to the shape of my heart,_  
_It's separated only by scars  
That cut in and cut out  
Oh and leave me without  
Oh a heart that functions at all"_

Sasuke glanced at me and I grinned, dancing jokingly. There were trumpets in the background, following the stinging string of a cello.

"_Oh and if there's any love in me,  
Don't let it show.  
Oh and if there's any love in me,  
Don't let it grow."_

The sounds filled the air between us, a swelling, and my laughter joined it as I slung an arm around Sasuke's shoulders. There was a bitterless sort of sadness in the music, the words, despite their happiness in the tune.

"You still coming to mine tomorrow?" I asked innocently. Sasuke sighed and smiled slightly.

"Yes, dobe. Now shut up and get off me," he said and I did as I was told, glancing at Sakura only to see her pouting. I stilled with worry for a second, suddenly realising what an open form of affection that had been, but my worries were displaced as she said,

"Sasuke has been to your house? I've never seen it! Unfair..." She crossed her arms, exaggerating he anxiety. I smiled lopsidedly.

"I don't know what I was thinking, letting that jerk into my house before you, Sakura!" I said and she rolled her eyes, shoving me away.

"No, how about this; we'll all meet up tomorrow at mine, since it's Saturday, and we can finish the project. What do you think?"

"Yeah...ok. Heh, cool. Should we meet up in the morning or do you want us there after lunch?"  
She asked.

"In the morning. I'll feed you," I grinned, and as I walked down the hallway between them I realised it was a rare sort of friendship I had found. A true one. One that nothing, not even love, ironically, seemed able to break, now that it was formed.

I just wondered, for a second, how it would hold up to the darker arts of more deformed emotions.

OoO (start curs in the weeds)

The sunlight had turned tepid and honey coloured as sunset approached. It tinted my often empty-feeling apartment in syrupy colours that had to be waded through almost slowly, lazily, appreciating how the air fragmented in puddles and patches of orange and yellow. Cds and cassette tapes were scattered across the small living room floor as Gaara and I sorted through them, a CD player in the middle, settled like a worshipped entity surrounded by its willing tools. As casual as it was, our actions had an edge of mysticism in them, as if the spinning tape and plastic were weaving intricate spells in the air. Magic in the form of voices, of instruments, of sounds, which in themselves are interpretations of reality, enriching those who listen; not with the need to understand, to dissect and analyse, but to simply accept the pattern the notes create, a foreign language which tells of no meaning, only of beauty. For music is not meant to be understood, only interpreted; found and felt individually, the way shades of colours vary between eyes. A reflection of feelings, of inspiration.

Another old cassette in and words and instruments seemed to contradict each other; hope, or no hope?

_Lover of things,  
won't you agree  
how the winter could bring  
the darkest spring?_

Gaara's hair looked like fire as the music and light bounced off it. It was deep like the sounds of the cello which swung back and forth. The glow jumped, as sharp as the piercings of violins which cut the air up and let the shreds fall to the ground in sunlight.

_Of fickle faith,  
cynics that seethe,  
how their children are cursed,  
cursed to believe._

I looked at Gaara and a smile flickered, as meaningful as the sounds that wove around us, as frightening and innocent as unvenomous snakes.

_It's like marrow without bone.  
To live in a house with no home.  
Where the son is the darkest seed.  
He crawls with the curs in the weeds._

My eyes skittered around my apartment and in the pit of my stomach I knew this would never be a home. Perhaps because the housewarming party had consisted of a forced edge of trepidation at why I had been forced to move. Because of the strangers that circled like vultures, waiting for the prey to fall long enough to be devoured. Because of the empty spaces, the uncertainty, the tense muscles which were a second away from fight or flight. The conviction that I would not stay there long, stay nowhere long until the war was won. Or lost.

_Only once, I'll call off the dogs, if you call off your guard._

The violins circled and circled, oval and star shaped around our heads. For the time being I had nowhere to go, and would not be driven away but the dark men outside windows and doors, with eyes that were ringed and red, like the ones in the mirrors of my nightmares.

I felt safe in the nest of cords and voices that wrapped around me like family is supposed to in stories and feel-good movies.

_Where had you gone?  
Where had you been?_

The song ended, leaving traces of a sweet tasting melancholy in the air. Beautiful, poignant. The smile directed at Gaara tilted to one side. Our eyes locked and there was a static, intense moment of connection.

I leaned forward and kissed him.

His lips were chapped and dry and warm like a desert, parted slightly so that one single note of air was shared. A mere symbol of affection, a seal, a token. Like the badges of old zealots and soldiers, which mean nothing except what they are made too; an emblem of death, of survival. But in the end, just an emblem on its own.

He tilted his head slightly as I pulled away, not quite questioning, but pondering the movement. Not lust, not a start to anything, but the magic of music transferred into movement.

"I just..." I started, shrugging, but he shook his head.

"Don't," he said. So I didn't.

"Man, it's late. Sasuke and Sakura are coming over tomorrow and this place is a tip. Help me clean?" I asked, grinning. Gaara looked at the clock.

"Temari is going to get angry if I go home so late."

"So...stay over. It's no problem," I suggested. He paused a moment before nodding and going over to the phone. We wove around the apartment when he finished, ordering and cleaning and dusting so that Sasuke and Sakura wouldn't think I wasn't taking care of myself. There was only one bed but we didn't even consider, as we finished and got ready for bed, that Gaara take the couch. I could tell he hadn't slept properly in days by the red corners of his eyes, the smudged make-up that accentuated the heavy bags he carried. I half expected him to settle in front of my lap top and type or surf the night away, but instead he got into my bed, still wearing his dry, almost expressionless face. I slipped in beside him and smiled. The room was silent but I could hear the gentle strumming of a guitar, a deep voice telling of other times and other people, of dreams and loved ones.

We talked deep into the night. Quiet, as if we were not alone. As if the air around us were fragile, made of glass, and our voices tiptoed around it secretly. We were happy, I knew. We had problems- but who didn't? It was a calm existence, that night. Quiet, slow, like a hushed sea which was once savage, but has tired and rests on the sand. And so did we until slowly even insomnia went to sleep, with the man still singing in the background, dragging his words across our ears at the beat of a drum.

_while you were sleeping  
i tossed and i turned  
till i closed my eyes  
but the future burned through the planet _

_turned a hair gray  
as i relived the day  
while you were sleeping  
the money died  
machines were harmless and the earth sighed  
through the wind you slept sound  
and gravity caught my love around  
the ocean rose, sang about decay  
while witches flew  
and the mermaids stayed  
full of dreams, you overslept..._

_OoO_

Miles and miles away something was tapping loudly and a woman's muffled voice was calling out. I frowned and groaned, pressing against Gaara for a second before edging away again. Hazy eyes opened and I blinked at the sunlight that framed my blue curtains.

"Naruto! Heeellloooo?" Someone was saying. It sounded like...crap! Sakura!

I shot out of bed and looked at my alarm-clock who flashed an 11:30 at me cheerfully. I had completely overslept due to our late night. I looked at Gaara who just rolled over and covered his eyes. Chuckling and shaking my head I stumbled out of bed and jogged to my door, throwing it open and finding two miffed looking friends.

"Heh, sorry guys! Come in come in, I totally overslept, I'm really sorry," I rambled, scratching the back of my head sheepishly and stepping out of the way.

"Figures," Sasuke snorted as they stepped in. Sakura looked around with a small smile, taking in the quant living room, the beat-up couch, scratched table, clean kitchen.

"This is nice!" she said, letting my oversleeping slide pass. I grinned at her.

"Thanks! Er...do you want a drink or something? I just need to take a real quick shower. We can just work in the living room if that's ok. I'll bring some large cushions over from my room and we can sit around the table." I looked questioningly at Sasuke and Sakura but their eyes were directed at something past me, expression clenched and gaping respectively in some sort of surprise. I turned around and saw what had suddenly captured their attention; Gaara was standing in my doorway, imitating my early-morning fashion in only a thin T-shirt and boxers. His hair was wilder than usual, eye-liner staining the skin under his eyes. The ghost of a pillow-print was pressed against one side of his cheek, completing the bedroom look.

"Didn't know you had company in the morning," Gaara said impassively.

"I could say the same thing," Sasuke said suddenly. His voice was cold, dark, and I looked at him in surprise, wondering what had suddenly erased the faintly amused expression he had worn in the face of my morning mishap.

"Er...yeah, sorry, forgot to time my alarm-clock. Er, yeah, Sasuke, Sakura, this is Gaara, remember? He went with us to the cinema a few months back" I said. There was an awkward moment of stillness before Sakura stepped forward.

"Oh! Yeah, course we remember. Nice seeing you again, Gaara," she said with a typical smile.

"Likewise," he replied before turning to me. "I'll get my things and go home now."

"Ah- oh, yeah, ok no problem. Thanks for yesterday. I'll see you later yeah?" I stumbled slightly, confused by the tense atmosphere. Gaara simply nodded before disappearing into my room. I turned to my friends. Sakura looked at me almost worriedly whilst Sasuke ignored me completely.

"Er...ok. Ok erm, grab whatever you want, do whatever you want, kay? I'll take a shower and be right out," I said, waiting for their nods before I popped into the bathroom. When I stepped out, clothed and fresh-skinned, Gaara was gone, but the awkward ambience had only slightly diminished, the phantom pain of it remaining in the air. I couldn't quite figure out what its causer was. Some unknown animosity between Sasuke and Gaara? Had something happened at the movies that I hadn't been aware of? I couldn't think of anything, and I was sure I hadn't left Gaara's side that evening.

On the radio loud, clanging music sounded out, echoing the awkward feel in the air. The man's voice seemed almost disgusted, wavering at points as if just about to break.

_I don't wanna fight with you anymore_

_Suns on my back now and I'm moving on_

_I don't wanna fight with you anymore, anymore..._

_Than I have to_

The guitar slowed down and strummed solo with the tamed voice as Sasuke threw me an ill-disguised glare. Sakura looked stressed, as if she was mediating between us when I wasn't even aware of the fight we were in, in the first place.

_Cause I'm over it_

_I've done all I can I think I've earned it_

_Give me back my pain I wanna burn it _

_How come everybody makes me nervous?_

The sounds of the song were getting under my skin until I didn't know if it was Sasuke's suddenly sour attitude that was ruining the day or the strained drums that did it. I got up, turning off the radio.

"Er, I'm gonna get a CD from Gaaras," and ask him what the hell was going on. "You guys want anything before I go?" I said. Sasuke ignored me completely, looking even madder than before, if that was possible, whilst Sakura looked up at me in faint confusion.

"Naruto..." she said slowly. I tilted my head, looking at her questioningly. "Erm...Are you...I'm sorry but....is, is Gaara your...boyfriend or...something?"

My mind went black with the screech of a halting CD.

"What?"

"I just...look I just..." Sakura stumbled and I started laughing.

"What? Gaara! My boyfriend! Sakura what are you talking about?" I looked from her to Sasuke who was staring darkly at me. I shook my head, holding my hands up.

"No! _No!_ What the hell? He's a friend I couldn't...No, it's Gaara! I love him but I wouldn't go out with him. It would be weird! What gave you that idea? Oh my God, is that why you're so moody?!" I exclaimed. Sasuke's jaw was clenched so tight I was surprised it didn't just crack off.

"He came out of your room in boxers. There is only one bed. You do the math," he hissed out. A light-bulb lit in my head. I hadn't even thought about it. My friendship with Gaara was so natural, so broad, that something like sleeping in the same bed, or even kissing like we had, had no wider implications. It was what it was. No more. No less.

"No, guys, I'm not fucking Gaara. Jeez. He just helped me clean and it was late and I wasn't gonna let him sleep out here, I don't even have blankets and he's an insomniac and, it's not a big deal. We didn't cuddle and make out. We just talked and slept, ok?" I stared at them. Sakura looked relieved and was looking at Sasuke who was still glaring at me, though the dark menace had seemed to have been alleviated. "Ok?" I repeated.

"Yeah, fine," he said, turning away. I was about to walk towards my CD collection, no longer needing to seek Gaara's advice, before realisation hit me. A slow smirk spread on my face.

"Hey...you were jealous!" I accused, pointing at Sasuke, who threw me an annoyed glace.

"I wasn't _jealous_."

"Suuure thing, Mr. Scary-Glare-Man," I teased, winking at Sakura who chuckled.

"You _did_ look pretty pissed, Sas," she laughed. Sasuke turned his glare at her.

"We drop this or I'm leaving."

"Aaaw hun, didn't know you were so protective! Next time I'm having a sleepover, should I ask you for permission?"

"That's it-"

"Oh shut up and sit down you big baby," I laughed as Sakura and I pushed him back down to his cushion. Sasuke ignored us for the next half hour, but it was the good kind of ignorance; loose and wavering and friendly.

The day slipped back into what it was supposed to be; a fun completion of our project. Jokes and laughs and arguments. Our fingerprints covered in watercolours, smudging my table in lilacs and browns. Threads that linked pages together, scattered across the floor and tangled in our toes. When we finished it was with a satisfied sigh, flopping against the couch, leaning our heads back and smiling to the ceiling.

"We are gonna blow Kakashi's socks off," Sakura grinned.

"Oh yeah," I laughed.

And for once, everything was right with the world.

O

"Does this mean we are officially _going out_?" I cut right to the point, chest against Sasuke's back and breathing the words into his ear. It was deep into the dark hours, for winter always ages night quickly, and Sakura had left with a promise to see us on Monday.

"Does _what _mean we're going out?" he grumbled lowly, but I could feel the baritone rumbled through him.

"Your little jealous episode," I replied, brushing my lips on the back of his neck and a tremor sped through him.

"I didn't-"

"Yeah yeah, ok," I interrupted, "whatever. Just answer the question."

A sigh.

"Yes, Naruto, we are 'going out'. Didn't know I had to spell it out for you. Happy now?"

It was around then that I realised I actually was.

"Hmm, I dunno," I grinned. "I think you're going to have to make me a little happier." I hit the stereo with my leg and a chuckle tumbled out of it, sexy and warm and chocolate brown. The piano was jazzy, smooth like a pick-up line. A guitar reverberated around us as I let my tongue drag across his jaw. He tilted his head to the side to allow free reign and I knew it was subconscious, primal, and the rush of control, of attraction, was racing through me as the music suddenly picked up, interweaving voices together, driving the guitar crazy with its sounds.

_You stare, you stare and look confused  
Your fruit is slightly bruised  
You wear but don't like men, no  
Won't love, won't care again_

I let my hands trail down his sides, nails over fabric, digging, scratching. My kisses were teasing, my tongue but a suggestion on his exposed shoulder as pulled his shirt down. I hummed in amusement as it turned to chicken skin under me.

I took a step back and he turned around instinctively. Our lips were mixed and mashed in a second, opened, breathing anything but oxygen. Our pupils were wide and wild under closed eyelids. God, he tasted like the thick sounding piano, like the sharp warbles of guitars and I wanted more, wanted it all. Oxytocin was thrumming inside me, driving me crazy, pulling Sasuke closer, so hard that I had to stumble back or become part of him. I wanted more, wasn't thinking anything except for _more _and _now_ and _this_ and _him_ and his skin was under my hands and tongue in my mouth but there was more, and that's what I wanted. Everything, as frantically as possible.

His mouth was suddenly on my neck and I was breathing so hard it was like not breathing. I was gripping his hair and his waist and stroking his face and the skin over his hip bone. I didn't understand how his tongue on my collar-bone could feel this good but it did, everything felt _good._ The music, the voices, the feeling, and I let my hand squeeze his inner thigh, letting it trail upwards, teasingly missing the prize. I felt him tense and stop but the next second he had pushed me down on the couch and my shirt was gone and my hands had pulled his off as well and having skin had never felt so good.

_Look at me  
And think you're pure?  
Girl, get your head right_

My nails were leaving tracks on his skin, making territory, animal sounds animal feelings, an animal scene in a bestial act. My legs wrapped around his waist as I arched and the air turned into gasps. I opened my eyes and all I could see was him. Everything. The world had been vacuumed tight. Shrunk to fit our size. There was nothing left- no gun feet away from us, no demons, no terrible secrets, no terrible past. All that was belonged to that one moment.

And I couldn't ask for anything more than that.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

A/N

....

So...like. It's been 6 months. That's like, half a year, without the like.

No but seriously, I can't believe it's been that long! When I realise I was like NO WAY MAN! And my sister was like (sweatdrop) yes way.

So yeah, I've written, counting this one, three chapters. I was gonna publish one a week but my sister suggested maybe two a week would be a better idea because I have exams coming up and the next chapter I have to write is a hard one, so spacing them out more might prevent me drying up completely. But we'll see. If I get to writing the next one then I'll post them more frequently. But at least you know it's gonna get more or less steady again :)

Ok, major thanks to obviously my sister and all the reviewers cause you have no idea how much I enjoy and absolutely adore you guys and your comments, but specifically jasmine who left such a lovely review I was blushing and of course Aiwin cause she's my official alarm clock. Without the annoying want-to-kill-you-now beeping, that is XD.

Aaaand yeah, as always tell me what you guys think of the music!

Shalala,

Stuff actually happens in the next chapter.

Yay.


	16. 15: The Fox and the Hound

_Dog Days are Over- Florence and the Machine_

_The Little Things- Danny Elfman_

_Here it Goes Again- Ok Go_

_There are Some Remedies Worse than the Disease- This Will Destroy You_

**READ: **Since it might not be clear when to turn on each song a word will appear which is in _italics_, **bold**, and underlined to signal that the next song should be activated.

Now go read.

_**Shiver**_

**Chapter 15: The Fox and the Hound**

Kakashi looked down at the book with a lazy sort of surprise, as if he hadn't quite expect us to finish the project he had set us at the beginning of the school year. It was bound with tea-stained, thick string, the cover a painting and photograph montage of Konoha. Inside, every page was unique, just as every place we had investigated was special and different. Information, opinions, drawing, soundtracks, events; it all twisted together on the slightly frayed, worn pages, as if the object themselves had gone through the history they depicted. We almost didn't trust Kakashi's careless manner to take care of the book we had worked on for so long and so hard. The book that was the icon of the journey from a plastic, shallow relationship to the friendships we had forged in the months we had spent together since my arrival.

"Oi, don't you lose it, Kakashi," I said only half teasingly. It is always strange when something slaved over for very long ends, as if time is now too empty and purposeless. Handing over the project had that heavy sense of finality to it, punctuated by the song in my head which played out like a film reel, flickering memories alongside the calm yet nostalgia-loaded tune that plays at the end of a movie.

"Sheesh, what kind of reputation do I have?" Kakashi grumbled, nevertheless shrugging carelessly as, with no further notice, he simply walked out of the classroom. I hit my forehead, sighing heavily through a grudging smile.

"Guess that's it then, eh? Feels a bit weird, doesn't it?" Sakura said sadly. I lifted my head and echoed her small smile. _**The sunlight**_ cast long shadows, spilling out the soft plucking of cords, high and racing, wrapping around my expression.

_Happiness hit her like a train on a track  
Coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back_

"Yeah...it does. But...I think we should keep going. Not the whole writing up crap, but, you know, we can take our little Konoha adventures. Go 'round, add to the list of things we've discovered. What do you say?" I asked, looking at both of my companions. Sasuke was wearing the smile I saw often; the one that told me that he thought I was an idiot but agreed with me anyways. That he would go along with it because we were...together. Friends.

"You never give up on anything, do you, dobe?" he teased, eyes just as warm as Sakura's smile and I felt so completely at home in that moment that I couldn't help but lean forwards and give Sakura a brief hug, squeezing and then turning to Sasuke and doing the same, landing an invisible kiss on his neck.

"Idiot," Sasuke whispered as Sakura giggled. The air clapped and a rich voice was singing out, smiling tiredly through elongated words.

_Happiness hit her like a bullet in the head  
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that_

"I think we should start with a celebration. What do you think?" I suggested. Sakura nodded at once.

"Yep, yep! That's exactly what I was gonna say."

"Sorted then. How about....on Friday? We can do it at mine. I still owe Sakura for letting Sasuke in my house, eh?" Sakura laughed and nodded at the admission. The jingle of the softest of bells, like the faint whisper of rubbed glass, tinkled over her lips. We turned to look at Sasuke, who always liked to keep silent in our little debates about what to do. He nodded in agreement. With smiles and thumping base drums we walked out of the classroom. I wrapped by hand around Sasuke, undeterred. At first it had surprised me, how casual he was, how nonchalant he behaved towards public shows of affection, as long as they didn't slip into the class realm of tongue-rubbing.

And in my head the voices raised up, from the folds in Sasuke's fingerprints to the ends of my wild hair.

_The dog days are over  
The dog days are done  
The horses are coming  
So you better run_

I smiled towards the window at the monstrous, beautiful cloud heading our way.

We would be ok.

Or so I thought.

OoO

I was huddled inside my jacket as I waited for Sasuke and Sakura outside the school, tucked away where I could keep sight of the entrance of the school and shield myself from the wind that was rapidly picking up simultaneously. The sky had been completely overtaken by fog and the cold was nipping at my nose and fingertips, making my eyes tired so that I drifted away easily inside myself. I was so burrowed in my own thoughts that by the time the attack came I could use not straight logic, only pure, raw instinct.

_**Drums**_ were banging in the distance, the callous sound of an electric guitar thrumming like the panic in my head.

_Have you heard the new?  
Bad things come in twos_

An arm was around my neck from behind, pressing lethally and I didn't hesitate in lunging backwards, smashing the body as hard as I could against the wall. But my opponent was obviously skilled enough to sidestep most of the hit. Pale skin and black hair flashed at the edge of my sight and I used the distraction to twist my arm away and, with nails bared, knock the hand at my back. With a clatter a knife tumbled away from us, the sound imitating the harsh scrape of the voice singing at the edges of my teeth and ears.

_Every single day  
Things get in my way.  
Someone has to pay  
For the little things._

Electric, eclectic sounds pressed against nervous systems as an elbow landed heavily between my shoulder-blades, making me grunt in pain and double over. A warbling string, a stream of symbols, and I wound a foot quickly between the attacker's legs and then around an ankle, pulling forwards. He jumped away, untangling from me but giving me enough leeway to turn around and throw a sharp punch, which was caught just as quickly. In a second I was crushed against the wall, my neck squeezed as I was squeezing my opponent's. With a growl I cleared my sight from hair and rage and...blinked.

"_Sai!?" _I exclaimed, the music coming to an abrupt end. I blinked again but there was no mistaking that fake smile anyway.

"Nice to see you again, pencildick," he said placidly. I gaped at him.

What. The fuck.

"Get off me!" I complained, pushing him away. He stepped back neatly, tilting his head, smile still painted on with the usual ghostly ink on that foxy mask of his. "What do you think you're doing, pulling out a knife at me!? Have you finally lost the last marble or something? Jeez!" I ranted angrily. Sai bent down and tucked the blade neatly away, as if it were nothing.

"I do not know what marbles you are talking about. I don't have any marbles. As to the attack, I was merely testing how competent you are. Not very, I have to say. If I wanted to I could have killed you from behind as soon as I saw you. Your defence is as pathetic as the size of your penis," he replied calmly as my eye twitched. I stared at him for a second before groaning and rubbing my face with my hands exhaustedly.

"Oh my God. You really _don't_ have any marbles, do you?" my muffled voice said through weary fingers. I let my hands drop and sighed. "What are you doing here, Sai? Apart from insulting the size of my dick, which I see you _still_ haven't grown out of," I asked through clenched teeth, trying to keep my temper.

"Ah, I see you're still quite dull. I'm here to protect you, obviously," he shrugged happily. I shook my head in confusion.

"What? Protect me? Why? I don't _need _protection. And even if I did, what kind of defence is sticking a freaking knife in my back?" I shot back. Sai giggled emptily.

"Well, protect you amongst other things. I'm here on business with the FBI...obviously. Jiraiya asked me to take care of you. He also said to be discreet....oh well!"

"I'm gonna kill him," I ground out. Sai smiled and put a hand on my shoulder, leaning in.

"It's me who's being inconvenienced, not you," he pointed out. I rolled my eyes.

"Bastard." I couldn't believe this was happening. Sai? Of all people, Sai?

"Come on. It'll be ok," he chirped. I opened one eye, peering at his face which, as we both tilted down, was mere centimetres from mine.

"You're consoling me? That's unusual," I said.

"I read in a friendship book that saying 'it'll be ok' to someone frustrated or sad is good, even if it's a lie...which it obviously is since for all I know you might be killed by the Akatsuki," he replied. I stared at him for a second before laughing loudly, hitting his shoulder as I stepped back.

"Oh fucking hell Sai, seriously. You're never gonna change," I grinned. He wound an arm around my shoulders, the textbook image of a bond.

"The latest book I read said that friends don't ask other friends to change. We're friend's, right?" He asked. The peculiar thing about Sai was that it would have meant the same to him if I had said no. When he wanted something he regarded it, from the beginning, as had. If he wanted to be my friend then that's just what I was.

"Yeah Sai, sure we are," I said without sarcasm, without lying. Because he wasn't the first person I would think of in times of need, or even someone I would willingly spend long periods of time with, but when push came to shove Sai was someone I did trust to have my back. When I lived in Whirlpool under Jiraiya's care I had taken part in physical police training, despite my age. Jiraiya, with his contacts and unconventional teaching ideals, had pushed me into learning how to defend myself in a way beyond the street-wise, scrappy way I had learnt to fight. The desperate, animal rage had been honed into semi-precise movements attempted through control. Throughout that period Sai was beginning his time in the police-force, and we spent a lot of time together. His cold ways had been a ruthless motivator to keep going with the harsh training and he had ended up knowing much more about my life, in more ways than from my mouth, than I ever wanted him to know. But what is done is done and we had grown, through all the dislike, somehow closer.

"Er..Naruto?" I looked to my side and saw Sakura, bangs of hair fluttering around her questioning expression as Sasuke regarded Sai coldly.

"_**Uchiha**_ Sasuke. Interesting," Sai said beside me, and I could feel his false smile ring through his words. I closed my eyes and sighed, the harsh guitar making my teeth ache.

_Just when you think you're in control,  
just when you think you've got a hold,  
just when you get on a roll,  
Oh here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again._

The drums clashed against my head and I shrugged Sai off.

"Hey guys, I was waiting for you. Er...this is Sai. He's an old friend of mine. Sai, this is Sakura and Sasuke," I introduced casually. Now that I knew how jealousy looked on Sasuke I could spot it easily, and I didn't have to look twice to know he had been watching us for a while.

"Nice to meet you pig-face, rooster head," Sai replied. The strumming was racing and I hit my forehead with the open palm of my hand.

_I guess there's got to be a break in the monotony, _

_but Jesus, when it rains how it pours_

"_What?" _Sakura growled, her fist clenching as tight as Sasuke's jaw.

"What kind of fools do you befriend, Naruto?" Sasuke asked coldly. I shook my head.

"Ignore him, he doesn't mean anything by it. He's just...a little socially retarded," I excused, throwing Sai a dirty look. "What did I say about the nicknames?" I hissed at him.

"That they promote a feeling of friendship, pencil-penis," he said, tilting his head friendlily. My whole face turned red in a mixture of anger and embarrassment.

"No, you shitface, I said not to do it. And anyways, those aren't nicknames, those are insults," I ground out, but he just shrugged my words away.

"Maybe you should stop complaining to me. I think the attention is making the Uchiha jealous," he responded. I turned to look at the man in question and saw that Sasuke's eyes were practically spinning in frigid anger.

"Jealous of what, exactly?" he asked coldly. Sai shrugged again.

"My educated guess is the constant mention of Naruto's penis is making you think we had a relationship beyond that of friendship. To answer your unasked question; yes, I have seen Naruto's penis. And no, I wasn't impressed." If it was possible to die from pure incredulity we would have all been bite-marks in dust. Seeing my open mouth and enraged eyes Sai simply said, "Lies are harmful to bonds."

I looked desperately between Sasuke's clenched expression and Sai's calm one and shook my head vigorously.

"Yes but you can't just say it like that! You're giving the completely wrong impression!"

"What impression?"

"That we had sex, you complete idiot!" I shouted. Sai cocked his head, confused.

"Really? But I didn't say that. Naturally I would have seen it when we showered together all those times."

"_What! _We didn't _shower together_. We showered separately in the same communal shower! It's completely different!" I insisted, throwing my hands in the air. I looked at Sasuke desperately but he just looked utterly pissed.

"I don't see what the big deal is. As if I would ever have sexual intercourse with you, pencil-penis," he said offhandedly. Distantly I wondered how my day had ended up in this conversation.

"You-you- _I was thirteen! And the water was freezing! _Just-just shut up! Jesus Christ. What was Jiraiya thinking?" I grumbled. I turned towards my friends.

"I'm really sorry," I whispered theatrically. Sakura sighed and shook her head as Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Lets just go to the cafe, ok?" I suggested, and with trepidation saw that Sai was nodding.

"Ok, I have a free hour now," he said. I looked between him and them and sighed.

"Fine then. Let's go." There was howling in my head _(Oooh-Oooh). _I knew this would not end well but what else was I to do?

_I should have, I should have, I should have, I should have, I should have known  
Oh here it goes again.  
_

_OoO_(stop song)

The atmosphere around the table was so tense that if I raked my nails down it the air would split. I was doing my best to pretend I didn't notice it but if I wasn't talking then the conversation would fall flat and lifeless on the linoleum table.

"So...Sai, how long are you staying?" I asked with forced cheeriness. God I hated awkward situations. I would babble incessantly until someone- usually Sasuke- told me to shut up.

"As long as I have to," he replied simply, making me roll my eyes. Suddenly he turned regarding eyes towards Sasuke and Sakura, and I could practically feel the enigma-solving intention radiating from him.

"So, Naruto has formed bonds with you?" he asked. Sakura and I exchanged looks and I sighed as she smiled pleasantly.

"Er...yeah. We're friends."

"Friends. Not just companions? That bond takes a lot of trust," he informed us, as if it weren't common knowledge.

"Er, yeah I guess," Sakura replied. I frowned lightly.

"Actually," I interrupted, "Sasuke and I are more than friends." I didn't want neither Sasuke nor Sai to get the wrong impression or gain any more fuel for resentment. I looked straight across towards Sasuke from my seat in the booth next to Sai. He looked back and I smiled softly. There was no echo of the expression on his face but at once my accustomed eyes picked out the release of tension, the pull of skin that relaxed at the corner of his mouth and eyes. Something in me relaxed. Sai's tactlessness could be destructive, but it seemed Sasuke was being smart enough not to take all to heart.

"An intimate relationship. I see. You must know him very well then, for Naruto to trust you enough for that. I've never known him to have such a bond," Sai offered. I turned to glare at him.

"Shut the hell up, Sai," I growled. Sai regarded me calmly.

"What? Are you embarrassed from you lack of experience? That's not exactly necessary, I never said you lacked in sexual partners."

Sometimes I really just couldn't believe him. I wouldn't be joking if I said I thought he had a mild form of undiagnosed autism. That or his past had fucked him up further than mine had me.

And that's saying something.

"Sai, Jesus, seriously, shut the hell up. You know nothing about that," I said darkly. Sai shrugged.

"I know enough." He turned back to Sasuke, smile still intact. "My book says that such a bond requires each participant to have an in-depth knowledge of the other," Sai supplied.

"...Book?" Sakura said in confusion, but Sai ignored her, directing his attention at Sasuke.

"My relationship with Naruto is none of your business." Sasuke's voice was the coldest ring of a violin. Sai's smile stretched.

"Considering I'm here to protect him, yes it is, don't you think?" My insides clenched. Sweat seemed to spring to the line of my palms. My throat had closed up. The neurons in my brain were shooting clashing, screeching notes that filled behind my eyes.

"Protecting? You...what? Why?" Sakura said, looking at me. I opened my mouth, shaking my head.

"No, it's not...Sai. Just drop it, please," I squeezed out. He looked at me.

"Naruto..." Sakura said. This had gotten way out of control. I didn't even know what was happening. Sai was talking and I couldn't catch up to his words long enough to stop them. Symbols were going round in my mind, the headache of drums, clanging cellos.

"I guess you aren't as good friends as you thought," Sai shrugged.

"You're wrong," Sakura said. Her voice was like stone.

"Hm? Really?" Sai said. Sakura hit her hand against the table.

"Yes, _really_. You know nothing about us. Naruto trusts us as much as we trust him. I know you've known him for longer but you have no right to come in here and tell us we aren't friends." I stared at her, lungs swelling. Everything in my head gentled. The sounds were round, harmless, warm. I felt a smile curl on my face. Sai, however, seemed unfazed.

"Ah, really? I guess that's good then. Reduces my amount of work. I guess you'll take care of him not trying to kill himself again."

Everything around me froze.

Sakura's gasp echoed endlessly inside me. Her wide eyes were swallowing me whole, wrapping green around my neck and choking. Sasuke's face was so blank I couldn't stand to look at it.

"You know," Sai went on in the same moment, "because of the person he killed."

I was trying to breathe but I couldn't- couldn't think, couldn't do _anything. _That was it. In five seconds, months of building trust and secrets and caution had crumbled. There was a lack of oxygen around my mouth. It was bubbling in my brain, impeding thought.

Oh God, Oh God.

The stains in the carpet which were mud, mud, and the scars at the souls of my feet. The bars that were hot to the touch, hot like breath that was ghosted over them desperately.

This couldn't be happening. Not like this. The past couldn't make such a fast kill. Not after all the running I had done.

Please God please, please.

But Sai's pale smile was still in place and their eyes were still wide and trained on me and I knew it was over. This wasn't some drama where death was fickle and unimportant. I was a

_M u r d e r e r_

and they knew it now. They knew what I had done and that I had been that stupidly close in doing what went against my entire nature: giving up.

The silence cracked and there was shrieking in my head, so high that it erased all other sound. I stumbled up, tripping over my own feet as I bolted like an animal. A creature apart from the world around me. I couldn't focus on anything; Not on the voices that called me back or Sai's words, _I wouldn't go after him if I were you_.

_**My lungs**_ had shrunken to the size of clench fists and I had to dip into an alleyway to catch my breath. Deep guitars were echoing inside me. Sad and silver and alone.

The image of him, him, with his red eyes and red everywhere. I banged my head against the wall, sliding down, my hair matting against the damp brick. It was drizzling, a whisper of humidity that caught in my lashes and streamed down my cheeks.

The days and nights and decades and lives spent in a room with no windows. Artificial lights that flickered like the faulty blinking of eyes that watched from corners and under beds. The scream that streamed, soundless, from under my tongue.

The drum beats were hollow. Everything, everything...after everything. Was this still what I deserved?

By the time I got home I was soaked through so that even my bones were dripping on beaten wood floors. There was the odd clinking of a bell to my dragging footsteps as I collapsed beside my bed, leaning my forehead against the mattress.

How would they ever forgive me if I couldn't quite do it myself? Or, more accurately...I couldn't forgive myself for being glad that I had pulled that trigger into darkness and freedom.

I pulled my duvet down, letting it hide me completely. The water puddled around my knees and soaked into the orange sheets.

To my mind came the image of my mother's jewellery box. The way sometimes she would pull out the necklaces and untangle them one by one, setting them in their rightful place. But a few days later she would always complain about how, once again, they had wound around each other. How it took a fraction of the time spent sorting them out to tangle again.

That's how it felt like now. With the slow violins that sighed and cried, and the silence behind them. As if in too short a time everything had been messed up. Those words couldn't be taken back now. I couldn't make Sasuke and Sakura forget that I had, willingly, plottingly, killed someone in cold blood. That I was capable of it and would do it again if I had to. It seemed that everybody around me were lots of things mixed together. Lovers and daughters and moody and kind and forgiving and lazy and...

But I was only one thing. I had made myself what I was. A killer. Even if I knew I had been right in what I had done- even though I didn't truly regret it, even though I wasn't unhappy that he was dead, I couldn't forget the terror of the body. The knowledge that I was one of them, now. That I could have let him be taken to prison but I had chosen to destroy him completely, as he had taught me.

That in the end, he was right.

I slid completely to the floor, cornered by racing, warbling violins. I curled up, encaged in the darkness of the duvet and closed my eyes.

I remembered the first day I met him, in the orphanage. How could I forget? His suit so crisp, smile so wide. I had been charmed at once. _Everybody_ had. All the other children had peered at us jealously. A long lost uncle...it was all we dreamed of. The watch that flashed on his wrist told me he was rich and when we first talked he had said _'I hear you like music. I'll take you to a concert once we're home_.'

I had thought he was my ticket back into a family. For two years I had been banished from paradise, but I was being invited back in, finally, finally. The pause that seemed to have been put on my life since the

_(redblueredblue)_

accident was being released. His orange hair reminded me of my mother and I had held his hand as we walked towards the car, the small suitcase he had bought for me half-filled with my meagre belongings, dragging across gravel, leaving a thin scar behind me as, for the last time, I left the door of the orphanage.

His home had looked normal. Not big, not small. Just Goldylocks perfect. He had made my meal and sat me down and it had been strange, but a good strange. The kind of strange you know you're going to love in the end. After the meal he had shown me my room and I remember thinking how new and sterile it looked. At the time I assumed it was because it was ready for my presence; to be decorated to my taste and creation. In the end, however, it simply turned out to be a hasty mask to set up the stage for a downfall. A room that was not, and would never be, my room. It only took three months for the can of worms to spill across my skin- enough time for the social workers to stop checking in.

That's when life with Kyuubi truly started.

It wouldn't matter if I lived to be five thousand, I will always remember how his expression had changed, that day. I had looked up at him as awful words leaking from poisonous fangs and somehow his smile had changed. So cracked and cruel and fake and _terrible_. As if he had been in on some great, brutal joke that was finally being unleashed on me and he was sitting back to see the blood splash.

I shut my eyes tight, as if that would erase the image of him. As if that would banish the merciless laughter and the life he had left for me. As if even if I could forget him, forget everything he had been and all he had made me into, it would free me from the situation I had been captured by.

So many times, in my life, I should have been able to escape. But here I was again, suffocated by sheets on a wet floor with a chaos in my head that I couldn't get rid of. The high, screaming strings and the clashing drums that raised up, rolling like a storm.

And the problem was I never drowned quite fast enough.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

A/N

I'm su tired -_-

Feel like I'm always apologising in my ANs. Sorry for not replying to any of the reviews, truly. Thanks for the music and I love your from the bottom of my glass. I'll reply to _all _of you next time cross my heart and hope to die.

Anyway, I will not be writing until summer, for sure. I'm so stressed its unreal. For any of you starting uni next year: don't leave it all to the last minute, mah hunnys. Trust me. This is so not worth it. It's developed into some curious manic depressive disease in which I get happy randomly and buy things like squid-shaped whisks with money I don't have. Which is fine by me cause my squid friend ROCKS.

So yah, wish me luck. It's my birthday on the 11th, and also my first exam- Cognitive Psychology, joy of joys, lots of shit about syntactic blahs and how Phineas Gage was the most amazing human ever omgoshness (actually he's quite cool, love yah Phinny!). So you have to review lots and say stuff like "ouuuh Catfish you are soooooooooo talented have my babies plz!" and I'll say "come on over, I'm OPEN FOR BUSINESS!"

...

See this is what I'm talking about. Revising does things to you, man.

(whispers) _zombie sex things. _


	17. 16: End of the Line

_Telescope Eyes- Eisley _

_Videotape- Radiohead_

_Blue Alert- Madeleine Peyroux_

_The Noose- A Perfect Circle _

**Shiver**

**Chapter 16: End of the Line**

I checked my phone and saw that I had twenty-two missed calls. Most from Sakura, a couple from Sasuke. 7 Messages blinked in my inbox; Kiba, Sakura, Sasuke, and one from Sai.

I lay in bed for twenty minutes, debating whether I should stay home and hide from school for at least one day. But being a quitter had been a moment of character weakness which I would never return to and with a sigh I dragged myself to a shower, _**arriving**_ at school carefully late with trembling hands and a thick apprehension coating the rims of my mind. When I slipped into class I could feel Sasuke's alert eyes on me at once, sinister guitar strings against the back of my neck which impeded any type of concentration.

_Oh... you humour me today,  
calling me out to play,  
with your telescope eyes, metal teeth,  
I can't be seen with you, you see._

I didn't often practice being unnoticed, but I was slim and quick on my feet and after each class I would slip out, weaving around people like the melancholic voice in my head did around my thoughts. All day I spent like a cord that is being tightened until it is just about to snap. A tremor of guilt would pass through me when anyone would greet me normally, and my stomach would clench farther when I caught glimpses of Sasuke or Sakura, but I never stayed long enough to decipher their looks.

_Please don't make me cry,  
Please don't make me cry,  
I'm just like you, I know you know,  
I'm just like you, so leave me alone._

It was only inevitable, however, that in my distracted state I practically stumbled into Hinata and Kiba in the hallway, catching myself just in time not to run them over but too late to run away. Fear blanked my mind but for drums and symbols and I held my breath. I couldn't help but assume Sasuke and Sakura had already discussed yesterday's conversation with the rest of the group. Not in malice or hate...but because wouldn't it be something to be discussed? That the boy they had trusted was a murderer on the run?

"Oh, Naruto! We thought you were ill at home, we didn't see you in homeroom. You ok?" Hinata asked, looking at me worriedly.

"Yeah man, where have you been all day?" I looked into their eyes, waiting to see suspicion and caution and finding little more than concern.

"I...Yeah. I just-"

"Naruto," a voice said behind me, and I didn't need to turn around to know who it was. Drums exploded, the shimmer of symbols reverberating at the core of my molars. Sasuke's eyes were dark and incomprehensible and I couldn't think, couldn't do anything but panic.

_I wonder, why can't you see?  
You're just not near enough like me_

"I-I'm sorry. I have to go. See you later guys," I said, easily twisting my arm from his grasp and lightly pushing some girls in his direction to give me enough time to disappear from their view.

The growl of Sasuke's voice calling my name shot through me like a bullet but I had to keep going.

_With your telescope eyes, metal teeth,  
I can't be seen with you._

I couldn't face up to being reproached for my past mistakes even one more time.

Oo

_**I had**_ my face buried between my raised knees, tucked away in a sheltered and abandoned area of the school yard. It was lunch-time and raining, the wind soundless but for the filling sound of drops and the clashing notes of a piano. A tired voice was rippling in the collecting puddles, just mud and dirty water. So soft and alone it seem to whisper from the very depths of my lungs.

_When I'm at the pearly gates  
This'll be on my videotape..._

"You run and we're over," Sasuke's voice said deeply and I looked up sharply to see him and Sakura before me, hair and skin and clothes soaking. Sakura's expression was practically crumbling off her face. Mascara and eyeliner running slightly, lips red from being worried over by her teeth.

She was the perfect icon for a tragedy.

"Sakura..." I whispered, the want to either hug her or run away warring inside me. But both instincts were defeated by the immobility that had captured my bones as Sasuke's animal eyes stared me down. His bangs were stuck against pale skin, brushing against the hard line of his mouth. I was certain that in all of his lives, Sasuke has been a predator.

"What exactly are you looking to achieve by hiding away from us?" Sasuke asked, regarding me coldly. I flinched slightly, pressing my back against the wall.

"I...I just..." What reason could I give for running? Fear? Cowardice? Instinct? Self preservation? Sadness? Which of those would they find valid? "I'm sorry."

None of them.

"Sorry? For what, exactly? For not telling us anything about yourself or for running away once we found out?" Anger was creeping through Sasuke's words, making them sound like gritted teeth. I bowed my head, hands fisting.

This wasn't _fair_.

_This is one for the good days  
And I have it all here in  
Red, blue, green  
Red, blue, green_

The odd clapping of passing thoughts and feelings ricocheted against my skull, making my eyebrows dive down in frustration.

"For...just...This isn't fair. You don't _understand_," I whispered harshly, shaking my head. Sasuke's face hardened further as for a moment I glanced up at him.

"Of course we don't. How could we possibly understand what you never even think of explaining, Naruto? To find out from that...ostentatious fool..." he left the fact that Sai had been right, that I hadn't trusted them enough to tell them anything, hanging in the air.

I looked up at them then. Could feel my eyes practically glowing with rage and regret and confusion.

"How can you ever expect me to admit something like that? Despite the fact that we knew each other when we were young it's been _five months_ since I arrived. That's-that's nothing! How is that enough time for me to admit what I can barely think of myself? That I'm a m-murderer."

The word seemed to be a clap of thunder that silenced everybody. There were just the broken keyboard notes rising in my mind, the sighed howls of a voice, like a wave about to drown us.

_You are my centre when I spin away  
Out of control on videotape  
On videotape  
On videotape_

Sasuke opened his mouth to retort but Sakura's hand lifted and squeezed his arm. He glanced at her and silenced.

"Naruto," Sakura said quietly, eyes soft. "We...understand that. We know how hard...we may not understand what you've gone through but we don't blame you. For anything. For not telling us and for...whatever you did in your past but what we don't understand is why you trust us so little that you feel you have to run away from us. What do you think we're going to do?" She whispered. Her eyes were so green they were unbearable.

The noises in my head were heightening, like racing trains that have to be counted; obsessively, compulsively.

I took a deep breath, shaking my head. That they didn't blame me for what I had done? They had no idea. They didn't understand the implication of murder, didn't...

And then I remembered Sasuke's past. His dead family, his thoughts of revenge. Out of everybody I knew he would be the one who comprehended the reality of what had happened. Suddenly, I understood his frustration. Anger at the insinuation that, after what he had not only gone through but shared, I still had the audacity to act as if I was privy to a world they couldn't fathom.

I looked straight into Sasuke's eyes.

_So I'm talking to you before  
No matter what happens now  
I won't be afraid..._

"I...I'm sorry." My throat clenched and unclenched. "There are things in my past...that will take a lot of time for me to talk about. I didn't even tell Sai, he had other means of finding out stuff," I sighed, and noticed how Sasuke seemed to relax a fraction. I forged on, the drumming inside me growing stronger. "I'm sorry I ran away from you...I just didn't know what to do. You have to understand...I don't regret what I did. That man deserved a million times worse than death," I growled bitterly, despite the squeeze of guilt. "And I promise that it's all in the past. But that doesn't erase the fact that I...I _killed_ someone," I looked at both of them. "And I don't know how to talk about that."

"And we're not asking you to. When- if you are ever ready, then we will be here. Yes we want to know but... We just want you to know...Naruto, we care for you deeply. If anything like that happened...if you ever felt like you wanted to....die," my breath caught. Her eyes were welled up and I could feel mine imitating. "Right, Sasuke?" she whispered. He stared at me fixedly and then the edge of a smirk tilted his lips.

"Hn, dobe." I smiled at those words, as if nothing had had been altered. I laughed wetly as Sakura threw herself suddenly in my arms. I hugged her close, reaching up with an arm behind her to grasp and squeeze Sasuke's hand. As the music rattled into silence we stared at each other until he stepped forward, tangling his free hand in my hair as he squeezed mine back with the other.

For minutes we were paused in that position, comforted. But in my mind there was a tremble of apprehension, as if now that the secrets had begun to be uncovered they would spill until spent.

OoO

It couldn't be avoided that during the next two days there was a sort of friction between us, like the roar of gravel under rough tires. Despite that, however, the vulnerability of the events had tied rawer bonds around us that, though still smarting, were sturdy.

The day after the confrontation I ended up at Sasuke's, a tingle of nervousness under my skin. A lot of the time he coldly avoided confrontation; not because he was against such a thing, but because his nature was more passive aggressive than my in-your-faceness. But when Sasuke put his mind into a fight there was no way in hell I could win it- let alone avoid it. That's why I decided that the best course of action would be to lay everything out in the open before he could drag it out forcefully.

"Hey," I started, my voice softer than I intended. "About...what happened. I...I'm sorry." I leaned against the back of his couch, turning from the blackness of his eyes in favour of his wood flooring.

"You said that yesterday," he replied shortly. Maybe to another person the phrase would have seemed unsympathetic and off-putting, but somehow I understood that what he was looking for was some sort of expansion on my apology. I sighed deeply.

"Yeah...I know. I just," my tongue stumbled in search of words which wouldn't sound as awkward and half-cooked as they seemed in my head. "I just wanted you to know that...me not telling you wasn't actually because I haven't been here very long, or because I didn't trust you or anything like that." For when had I been conventional enough for things like that to stop my blurting mouth? "It was me. I couldn't...say it. Can't. It's not something I want to think about. It's just something that's in the past- or that's where I'm trying to keep it," I took another deep breath. "What I'm trying to say is that," I looked up, straight into eyes that were made of blades and pit-falls, "if I could ever tell anybody, it would be you...because I know you understand." The silence following my speech was thick; trembling strings tight against our necks, their shrieks making the inside of my ears bleed in anticipation. Slowly Sasuke unfroze, walking towards me across the soft light that collected warmly against the brown of the floor.

"Dobe," he said, and the word seemed to come out too quiet as he stood right before me. His fingers trailed lightly over my scars, as if mapping out the past on my skin. The corner of my eye was brushed against with his lips and he leaned forward, warm breath ghosting over my temple.

"What'd done is done, Naruto. Leave the secrets be," he whispered against my ear. I didn't exactly understand the last sentence; was I to forget them, or stop keeping them? But as he pulled back, dark eyes so plainly staring, I couldn't quite think. The sunshine was too tepid against the skin that had been bared indoors. The tension inside me leaked away with the warmth, a sigh exhaled by my pores. With my confession had come a sort of acceptance- not only of my past but of his as well. Both our lives were heavily linked with murder, but neither desperate loneliness nor revenge would break us as I felt it could, in maybe another life. At that _**moment**_ I felt calm drift over me, like the sigh of some great creature which is finally unburdened. I leaned forward leisurely as my ears whispered out the soft strumming of a jazzy guitar. I brushed the soft tip of my nose against his upper lip, licking the edge of his mouth slowly.

_There's perfume burning in the air  
Bits of beauty everywhere  
Shrapnel flying, soldier hit the dirt_

Unhurriedly I pulled away, fingers snarled in black hair, stopping him from leaning forward. I looked at him teasingly, the edges of a smile curling upwards before I tilted forward once again, the drawn-out hum of an electric keyboard purring against our skin. I trailed my lips slowly up towards his ear, leaving no patch of skin unkissed on my path there. I bit lightly at the lobe of his ear before opening my mouth and breathing out against sensitized skin,

"Sasuke."

He ignored the pain as I pulled at his hair to stop him and captured my lips in a deep, deep but slow kiss. Our moans were long and dancing like the piano keys that pressed against our fingertips.

_Visions of him drawing near  
Arise, abide, and disappear  
You try to slow it down  
It doesn't work_

We disengaged to gasp for breath, a string of moisture between us as our tongues touched, fingers grasping at clothes and skin so hard it felt like the painting of the best kind of bruise. I dragged him towards the side of the couch, loving the way I inhaled his warm, desperate breath every time I panted for air. I pulled him down without hesitation, sliding against the length of the sofa and opening my legs as he settled between them. In one stumbling pull his shirt was off and I drew him down for another kiss, the soft, sexy voice in my head captured between our teeth. The keyboard dancing highly, I raked my nails against his torso and teased his nipple, biting his lip in amusement and lust as he moaned loudly against my tongue. He pulled away, sitting back slightly to trail his hands under my shirt and, as he stared straight into my eyes, uttered the most breathless, rasping, guttural sound I had ever heard.

"_Naruto_," he rasped, and in all my life have I ever wanted something as much as I wanted Sasuke in that one moment.

_It's just another night I guess  
All tangled up in nakedness  
You even touch yourself  
You're such a flirt _

I lifted my hips, clashing them with his as, at once, I pulled him down and bit the spot where neck meets shoulder, digging fangs into skin. He cried out at the mixture of sensations and I moaned in reply at the uncharacteristically loud noise as I licked the offended spot.

_He breaks the rules so you can see  
He's wilder than you'll ever be  
You talk religion but he won't convert_

"Please," I whispered against his teeth. "Please Sasuke, please." I didn't even know what I was asking for- just that I needed something and he was the only one who could give it to me. I lifted my hips again; higher, sharper, _harder._ Had to arch up as he ripped the shirt from me, thrusting forwards roughly at the same time in the animal war of desire. I threw my head back and gasped hard for breath, letting a moan course through my whole body. Sasuke's tongue trailed from collar bone to under my ear, and I could feel his pants against the wet skin. Muscles were rippling frantic with lust; pulling, pushing. Trousers were bunched down at knees and then ankles, our movement desperate but slow, and breaths deep and rough as we kissed again, holding each other's faces against blunt nails as our names became mantras instead of callings.

_There's perfume burning in the air  
Bits of beauty everywhere  
Shrapnel flying, soldier hit the dirt  
Blue Alert _

_  
Blue Alert..._

OoO

"Oooh man, I'm stuffed," I groaned out as I lay back on my couch, rubbing my stomach.

"No wonder, you ate like a dozen cups of ramen!" Sasuke exclaimed, laughing as he sat at my feet, knees raised over my legs.

"They were small, ok?" I retorted.

"With the way you eat you're probably gonna die from malnutrition," Sasuke pointed out helpfully from where he sat with a book, lap under my head.

"Oh shut up. I'm gonna live until I'm 103. Mark my words," I sniffed haughtily. Sakura giggled, flipping channels.

"Me until 99. I like the suspense of life," she sighed dramatically. I chuckled, raising up slightly to look at her pretty face. I could have easily fallen in love with Sakura, I thought. Maybe in an alternate universe I was with her, holding _her_ hand down the street and kissing her neck gently between sheets. '_Where would that leave Sasuke, though?_' I couldn't help but wonder. I looked over at him and smiled. He sensed my stare, turning in my direction and raising an eyebrow when I didn't say anything. I just shook my head, grinning harder.

It was a couple of lazy hours later when I lifted from my position, rubbing my head.

"Ah man, my head is killing me," I complained, trying to blink out the incessant drumming behind my eyelids.

"The salt from the ramen probably sucked all the water from your brain," Sakura said teasingly. "Go drink something," she suggested. I rolled my eyes but smiled.

"Yeah, yeah. Want some pills for the head though. Where the hell did I put them..." I muttered, looking around. It wasn't exactly like my apartment was a mess, but nothing had a place. Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"Fine, just go get some water and we're look here for the pills. Paracetamol, yes?" He said. I smiled thankfully, nodding my head heading towards the kitchen for a drink. Poured, I took the glass of water as I wandered into my room, looking around half-heartedly. My back tensed and water trembled as suddenly I heard a loud gasp from the living room.

"Don-don't pick it up, don't touch it!" Sakura's voice shot, panicked, from one room over. I set the glass down, turning around to see what was going on only to have Sasuke storm into my room. I stilled completely, blood turned cold, as I saw the icy rage on Sasuke's face, followed by what he was holding in his hand.

_**The gun.**_

Guitars were plucked slowly, deeply, raising in strength as Sasuke's antagonism seemed to mount. I stared at its shaking form, grasped expertly by pale fingers. Loaded, but with the safety on. Despair clawed through me. I had forgotten how I had moved the gun a few nights before once again into the living room, uncomfortable, after Sai's presence, of having it so near when asleep. A voice called out from the past, like the resonance of some ancient act.

The drums had started once again. The procession of guilt, explanation, fury...

_So glad to see you well  
Overcome and completely silent now_

"I-"

"What the fuck, Naruto!" He near shouted. His control had slipped and I flinched as Sakura stepped behind him, looking scared, bewildered. Sasuke shoved me in the chest, setting me back a step. "You said this was in the past."

"Just-I-just put it down ok?" I said, lifting my hands up slightly in reflex. He took an angry step forwards and instincts forced me one back, the underbelly of my legs hitting the bed. Sasuke's jaw clenched.

"Naruto, what are you doing with a gun in your house?" he hissed slowly. I gulped. I couldn't get angry for them barging into my business. All I wanted to do, I realised with horror, was make them understand _everything_.

_And not to pull your halo down  
Around your neck and tug you off your cloud_

"Look just put it down ok?" I said. This wasn't the toy of a movie. This was something that could _kill_ someone. A coffin-shooter, a despair maker. People could go to jail by just having one without permission.

"Not until you explain what this is doing here."

_But I'm more than just a little curious  
How you're planning to go about  
Making your amends  
...To. the. dead._

The music was so soft it was fooling. The calm before some awful storm.

I looked at the pair of them, frowning. What could I say without saying everything?

"Look I...guys you just, you don't understand," I had to say. Sasuke's knuckles were corpse-white around the black metal.

_To The Dead..._

"I just...Jiraiya gave it to me. It's not...It's just in case, you know?" I said, trying to smile and failing. Sasuke and Sakura only stared. "Come on guys...it's for protection. I mean what would I do with it? Shoot my brains out?"

If Sakura had been a jenga game that would have been the moment when someone is stupid enough to pull one of the bottom-middle pieces out and the tower collapses. She buried her face in her hands, , so breathlessly I knew it was what she was thinking all along. My face fell, crumbled, and I reached out a hand, shaking my head furiously.

"No- _no!_ Sakura, no, never!" I was beside her in a moment, hugging her close, ignoring Sasuke and the gun.

"You just look so sad sometimes," she whispered.

_Recall the deeds as if  
They're all someone else's  
Atrocious stories_

"No, no, Sakura no. Please trust me," I kissed her temple, "never."

"Y-you sa-ay never but, but S-sai s-said..." she sobbed. I held her closer, stroking her hair, glancing at Sasuke who was staring at me intensely, as if daring me to prove their doubts right.

"No. No. That was...I was stupid and young and thought it would be better. It wasn't even exactly a 'I can't do this anymore' thing. I just thought it would be for the best. But I know better now- it's completely different. I would _never_ give up like that now. Never. Come on, you know me. I don't give up. Not even on the little things." I smiled desperately down at her, willing her to believe me. That day I had decided to kill myself...It had been an accumulation of things and faulty logic. I was small, stupid, pressured, fucked up. I had not only the memories of what had happened, but felt a burden to Jiraiya, as well as the notion that my troubles were nowhere near ending. I didn't see the cons to suicide. The worst was over, I had survived, done it. I thought I deserved the peace I had denied myself- stubborn- when I was with Kyuubi. But what I hadn't realised then, what suicidal often do not realise, is that just because I touched bottom- simply because things seemed never to improve, because it appeared to me that the unhappiness I was going through wasn't something worthy of being clung to, it didn't mean things weren't going to change. It may sound strange but committing suicide wouldn't only be killing me then. It would be killing me now, and forever. All I could make of myself, all the experiences and feelings and things to see, things which I had the power of obtaining, would be out of my reach simply because at one point in my life I wanted to die. And for that reason I would never succumb do that feeling again.

_With your halo slipping down  
Your halo slipping  
Your halo slipping down_

The chaos of noise was overwhelming everything, drowning our three figures in streams of symbols and strings. Sakura looked up at me, green fractured and glass-shiny through the tears.

"Then...Naruto, then why...?" she whispered. I closed my eyes, dropping my head, resting it against her forehead.

"I..." a sigh escaped me. I turned to look at Sasuke, who looked calmer but no less determined. "Put the gun down, ok? And I'll...I'll tell you guys everything."

I didn't know if I was doing the right thing. I didn't know if telling them about my past would be harmful for both me and them but that's what bonds are about. Persevering even when what is shared is toxic to the core.

Slowly, Sasuke nodded and lay the sleeping, sinister gun on the bedside table. I walked with Sakura to the bed and we all sat down in creaking, sniffling silence, only the dark voice and single guitar string reverberating in the background. I felt so scared I could hardly think but Sakura's warmth and Sasuke's hand in mine were like life lines.

I took a deep breath and delved in the dirty water of my past.

_But I'm more than just a little curious  
How you're planning to go about  
Making your amends _

_To, the, dead...._

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

A/N

I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

...*ahem*. Exams over.

...

Something tells me that if I were in the Naruto manga, I would be Kakashi. Or at least personify his penchant for lateness.

Anyway, my dear readers, apologies abound. I'm sure you all shook your heads in exasperation when I replied to your wonderific reviews 20 days late or something.

I'm quirky like that.

Anyway....yeah. I need some talent juice or inspiration chips or something. I haven't planned anything beyond this point so...thats gonna be fun.

Also, hopefully I'll have a Naru/Sasu Christmas one-shot out soon. (Yes, Christmas. Feel free to pet my madness, it is a fluffy scented ferret.) I haven't started it but...whatever, guys, stop looking at me like that. Especially YOU.

Hehehe.

lalala

Hope you've enjoyed, hope exams or going good, hope it's sunny where you are and that the mutants haven't gotten you.

GOOD DAY TO YOU ALL! =D

PS. You see that button there that says 'review'? _(adapts mystical voice)_ They say if you click it, it'll turn the moon into one great meatball and no one will ever go hungry again!...except the vegetarians.

Also, we'll all die from meat cancer.

....oh well! XD


	18. 17: The branches where he has gone

_Shiver_

_The Kite- Finding Neverland OST_

_Werewolf- Catpower _

_Morgasmo- Lustmord Remix of Tool's 'Parabola' _**Minutes start-3:52**

_The Shed not to be Used __– The Village OST_

_Wolves (Act I and II)- Bon I__ver_

_Jack Nimble- Lady of the Sunshine (Spotify, not youtube! That version is cut slightly)_

Remember: Start each song when there is a word in _**boldunderlineditalics. **_Enjoy!

**Chapter Seventeen: The branches where he has gone**

**5. **

_**The **_morning smelt warm, bitter, hot. Like toast, with an edge of burnt. Dad always got distracted by the cartoon section in the newspaper and ended up neglecting the bread and the bacon. Mum always smiled and said that she liked things crispy anyway.

The table was round and scuffed and we sat around it in our pyjamas, so uncaring. There were ducks on mine, which made me dream of lakes and sailing boats. When Dad spilt the coffee, Mum laughed.

Things were so soft on Sundays.

**10. **

The world around me was white. Harsh, blinding. Everywhere I looked left afterimages in my eyes. There was snow under my fingernails. The blood in my hands coagulated so that the skin was left red in patches. My knuckles cracked and bled as I stretched my hand.

I was in a ghost world. My warmth was slow. It sat alongside a hooded figure which rows with patient strokes.

"Naruto? Hey, little buddy. You have to come along with us. Here, why don't you take my hand?" I heard this but the noises echoed, and somewhere between my ears and my mind it became distorted. There was only the sterile walls and the gaping mouths filled with slush. The cracked egg heads and the terrible, terrible silence.

_Where is my mummy and daddy? _I tried to say, but my tongue was broken; cracked in places that did not exist before that day.

The music is gone, I realised.

_I am alone._

**12. **

_**I opened**_ my eyes slowly. For a moment everything was trembling around me. I held my breath until my lips were shivering violins and then let it out. Slowly. Slowly.

On the other side of the window the night was so bright that the trees threw shadows against the fields we passed on the tremulous bus. The land was not silver, but green and cold. It felt damp like the condensation on the glass. Looked like the poetry the orphanage English teacher read to us sometimes. The kind that made her voice low, intimate, saddened.

Like honey (_six jars of it)- _Slowly-

"_This is the room I have never been in_

_This is the room I could never breathe in. _

_The black bunched in there like a bat,_

_No light_

_But the torch and its faint..."_

That made her close her eyes at the end and take a deep gulp of air. As if she had run through every word breathlessly, when in reality she uttered them brokenly, slowing down and savouring the sounds that hurt her the most.

_(For those are the most beautiful.)_

We had spent the day at the beach, one of the few outings since my arrival at the orphanage, two years previous. The sun had been blinding, peeling all of our excess layers off to leave the core to salt and roast and sandcrumb. The bottom of my feet were still red and sore and happy from the run, updown updown like tides.

The moon was full now, though, and around me lay the exhausted bodies of children who had been burnt out by the energy of excessive happiness. But I couldn't sleep. I could still smell the sea on the skin around me. My tongue flicked out and tasted salt.

From the radio shivered the string of a cello. Softly, softly, it wound between the silence and the darkness. The guitar that strummed were footsteps (mine, or his, it is the same.) The voice that sung was also a short sort of literature.

It was also sad and

frac

ture

d.

Making sounds and half howls.

My happiness in that moment was complete, though not content. It was almost melancholic. _This is me_, I thought. With the strings and the moonlight and the werewolves. I was a modern mythical creature. Music my moonlight sonata.

_For the werewolf, for the werewolf has sympathy  
For the werewolf, somebody like _

_you and_ _me._

I cry out, but it never listened.

I shifted against the frayed material of my seat and try to dink the moment in. Beside me, one of my friends shifts and lays her head on my shoulder, an odd puzzle piece which is perfect for not fitting. I felt rested in my exhaustion. Tried breathing the sunshine and moonlight air.

The bus rolled on (time and dust), and I closed my eyes. My lips were trembling like violins, but inside I was still. Calm. Even through the odd crescendo of instrument yowls.

My smile was wide and cold against the window pane.

And a little older than it should be.

**13.**

Kyuubi's house was large and cream and beautiful. Its back yard unraveled into a forest which would become a terror and an escape in only a few months. My shyness, which is always a brief visitor, abated quickly and as Kyuubi completed the tour of the house ("Down there is the basement. It is filled with rubbish. You will get hurt if you go down there so don't try it. You understand?") I ran out of the back door and in between the tall trees. Deeper, they filtered the sunlight into something cool and emerald. I sat there quietly and smiled because a family had found me (_finally, finally_). I was looking at the mushroom heads and leaves on the floor when, in my stillness, a fox approached. Sleek, with the autumn-brown coloured coat lighting up in patches. It was beautiful. Its cautious gracefulness made it seem much more formidable than when seen in pictures and photographs. I made a movement and startlingly it looked up. Its black eyes met mine, electrifying. They were the rustle of bells and something darker- the deep groan of a trombone. My breath caught, held, but the noise broke the spell. The fox darted off into the darkness, leaving me oddly unsettled.

From afar, Kyuubi called my name. The branches broke the word and when it reached me, it sounded like the call of a wild animal.

OoO

The mud splattered on the back of my trousers as I ran into the house.

"Uncle Kyuubi! Uncle Kyuubi!" My voice was eager and breathless as I skidded into the kitchen. It was a month after arriving and I had finally gotten round to trekking through Kyuubi's side of Whirlpool City and, to my amazement, found a shop called _Spiller's_. It claimed to be the oldest record shop in the world. The walls had been covered by old, tattered photographs, concert tickets and the posters of obscure bands. I had been amazed by the variety of CDs on sale; groups that lived off the radar of mass-marketing and generic love lyrics. I had spent most of the afternoon tucked away in a corner of the shop, trying out the CDs with the experimental earphones pressed against me until my ears were sore. I had been so enthusiastic that the owner had laughed and given me a few demo CDs to check out. If my parents were alive they would have been amazed and gutted they had never found the little gem before.

"Look! Look what I-"

"Naruto." My voice died out at once. His voice was flat, emotionless. Frightening. He was sitting by the dinner table, paperwork strewn over its surface. As he looked up from a calculator, his expression frozen, eyes dark like the fox's had been. "Look behind you," he ordered. I obeyed him at once, looking at the path of muddy footsteps that followed me from the front door to where my feet shifted nervously.

"S-sorry, I-" my voice stuttered to a stop once again as he got up. There was something unsettling about his presence. I had caused my fair share of trouble in the past, and therefore gathered a large itinerary of different retributions. The burst of screaming anger, the quiet disappointment, the reasoning, the punishment, even the occasional spanking. But this...this lethal silence was more frightening than any of them.

"You know I am working at this time of the day. Do you think I appreciate you running in here and dirtying the floors of my house like this?" That was the first time he said '_my house' _instead of '_our house'_.

"No. No, sorry, I didn't mean- I just wanted-"

"Am I asking what you wanted? I'm telling you what you did," he interrupted coldly. Grabbing my arm he pulled me towards the hall and thrust me towards the mud.

"See? See?" he said, as if I were a dog being house trained. "Naruto," he said lowly, squeezing my arm painfully, "I'm asking you a question."

"Y-yes. Yes, sorry, sorry, I'll clean it up I won't do it again," I said, wincing. He let go from me suddenly and I shrunk away from him as he straightened up.

I had never quite noticed how tall he was.

"Good!" he said. "The mop is over there. Have a biscuit from the pantry when you're done." The change of attitude chilled my blood. I didn't move, my childish senses confused. He turned, smiling suddenly, before sitting down again.

I had never quite noticed how fake that expression was.

OoO

I had known there was something terrible in that strange new world for a while, but it was confirmed a week after the social worker announced she would not be back until needed.

She was mistaken. She wasn't back despite that.

Since I was five

(_death does things to you)_

there had been a part of me that looked for trouble. It ignored the constant threat of authority, even the frightful one Kyuubi posed. So when I stepped to the section cut off before the basement and smelt that rancid, peculiar smell, I didn't think twice to approach the door with mischievous steps. Rubbish, he had said. But one man's scraps are another man's meal.

As it turned out, however, Kyuubi's sins were my own downfall.

_**Have**_ you ever had a nightmare in which you are afraid before anything happens? You step into a place as you close your eyes and in the air lives a terror which creeps into your mouth, between the marrow of your bones, the thickness in arteries. Well, that was how I felt as soon as I opened the door. I could see nothing as the steps dipped forward and to the left, but the noises and the smell were enough. The scents crawled over me; a chilling, petrifying attack. It was putrid, terrible. Dirty. Like neglected skin, or waste left to fester for weeks.

But it was the noises that were the worst. Animals whining and moaning and sobbing and hushing. A low, low, creature-like sound. It was a murdered, filled silence. The kind made when you desperately need to cry (_the panic attacks in the slowest part of the night) _and you try to cover the tracks the tears make by pressing the palms of your hands against your lips.

"Well, well, well," Kyuubi's disembodied voice drifts up from nowhere, "the boy finally shows up. Come down, Naruto." Violins start trembling in the distance, like creatures scuttling over my skin.

_No. No. _I think, but it is too late. I have past the point of no return.

My legs are shaking and knees almost buckle with the subdued panic that assaults me. I reach out a hand to steady me.

The walls are moist.

The ghost of a sound circles me. It is the remains of something, of some old, old terror. I feel sick. It distorts my thoughts like static, like madness.

I round the corner and the feeble, artificial light throws more shadows than anything else unto the scene, but it is enough for me to realise what is going on. As I look, I do not believe it is happening. I close my eyes for a moment but the dark is almost worse. I open them to look at he things that line the walls; cruel, twisted machines.

_Blades teeth claws whips stretchers chains. Torturetorturetorture._

For a moment, as if tensing up for something worse, the noises in my mind get louder, louder. Deadlier. They are taking over me.

There was a young man tied to a chair. I couldn't determine his features, for they had been ripped, mauled off his face. The nails on his fingers had been shredded off and I could see the skin was live and dripping even in the semi darkness. His feet were facing backwards, the ankles having ruptured the skin and sticking out of his legs like skeleton fingers.

I was still. _Wake up. Please, please- I'll do anything anything anything just wake up please just-_

There are whispers around me everywhere. There is something with us; open, pointed tongues.

_Wake, Wake u-_

"I told you, Naruto, didn't I? Didn't I? You chose this." Kyuubi was standing to one side in a suit with his arms crossed across his chest. It was someone else who had the weapon in his hand, but it was the same. Worse.

Drip. Drip goes the metal, and each hit is an explosion. It rumbles off the walls and into my skin and across my tongue and teeth which are chattering from the horror,

_Oh God,_

For the desperation to keep still.

"How about we show Naruto the family business, hmm? What he has been sleeping on, eating from?"

Inside my head there is a breath of sound, crying out. Sounds ripping, killing over each other.

One, another, another.

I couldn't look away. There was a man in the middle of the room and no amount of movies, of violent video games, could prepare anybody for the sight of him. I wanted to pass out. To throw up. I was shaking, shaking, and in odd intervals the world would go blurry as tears swelled and dropped.

It couldn't be happening. Not here, not to real people. This happens only in books and distant, semi-fictional strangers on the news in places like Guantanamo Bay.

What happened next my mind cannot recall chronologically. Only in details that slip through the barriers of displacement and denial. The noise of the footsteps and the whining. The screaming and the shredding sound as the eye is dug and ripped out. My whole body

_flinches_.

Blood splutters; a hot, heavy breath as a drop hits my hand. The moment when I notice the people chained to the walls, huddled like shadows, watching, watching, as I am watching.

Worse.

The gravelly voice of the man, even through the screams, as he pushed the eye to the mouth of the audience and says "eat, you bitch."

This isn't real.

This isn't real.

This is-

The world lets out a low breath and it ends with an explosion.

OoO

When I threw up it was on the grass a few streets from the house. Every cell of me was trembling. The neurons in my head were defective, oscillating, and I couldn't think. Bile lined my throat. My breath was clogged in my nose and I was trying to stop crying but couldn't, couldn't.

"_Oh God. Oh God no. No. God, God, no. No._" That's all I could say. These broken down words that cracked off lips.

They hadn't tried to stop me. I had shot out of the room, crashing up the stairs to the sound of Kyuubi's low, cruel laughter. Had kept running until my knees burnt and buckled. Lactic acid replaced blood.

I had seen terror on TV. And it never looked as if it would feel as bad as this. The panic attacks after my parents died

_Feeling as if I were __**drowning**__, impossible to breath and thisisnevergoingtoend and the carpet burns where the feet race trying to hide and running from nothing._

had nothing on this. On the animal sounds and the smell of the nails on the floor and the chains on the wall.

I kept running, shaking, even when it felt that I had to stop or die. I tensed at every corner, expecting to hear Kyuubi's laugh and the eyes that had looked so much darker in the basement. How could he be the same man that had held my hand as he walked me from the orphanage to the car? It was unfathomable.

A few people tried to stop me, obviously concerned to see such a distraught kid pelting down the streets, but I ignored them in favour of my goal. I burst through the police department doors and tried to stop weeping and grab hold of my breath at the same time.

"Hey- no running in...hey honey, what's the problem? Hey Mike, we've got a kid here who's taking advice from Ella Fitzgerald. Get him a Soda or something. Hey hun, come 'ere, sit down. Deep breaths, come on. You hurt?" Her voice had a heavy accent but was pleasant, comforting, like an old aunt that's been stitching cuts for years.

"I-I, the, the man, I-I didn't, I couldn't do anything and, and-" my throat closed up again and I choked, spluttering. The police woman's rosy face froze into seriousness.

"A man? Ok, it's ok, tell me when you're ready." And maybe if I had tried harder to get the words out- if I had managed to stop crying long enough in those first few seconds...

Suddenly, a hand was on my shoulder.

"Ok, Ella, I'll take over from here," a man's voice said and I looked up to green eyes before I was carted away. I was taken to a sterile room and thought nothing of it. I wasn't familiar with police proceedings. Yet.

Once I had calmed down, can of Ice Tea untouched beside me, I told him everything I could. I told him about Kyuubi, about the damp steps, about the smells and the sounds. About the creatures chained to walls, the animal at the middle being tortured slowly for a purpose I couldn't define. The Police officer took everything in gravely, writing what I said down and asking for details I struggled to give. At the end he smiled kindly, ruffling my hair in an awkward attempt at comfort.

"Ok, little guy. I need you to go back to-"

"Go back?" I couldn't keep the panic from my voice. Back to the orphanage, please, back to the safety of numbers. "No. No, I can't..."

"Calm down. It'll be ok; we just can't risk him bolting, you understand? You want to help us catch him, don't you?"

I thought about the people staring at me in the darkness. Thin eyes, thin lips, cracked bones and souls.

"Yes. Y-yes..."

"Then listen carefully. I want you to go back. Talk to no one about this; make sure he doesn't know where you've been. You have to make him believe you don't mind what he has done."

_Impossible. _"Ok."

"You have to pretend everything is ok. Can you do that for us, Naruto?"

_No. No. Don't make me go back there. Don't, don't- _"Yes," I whispered.

"Good boy."

And that, as they say....was that.

OoO

I was so scared as I walked back to the house that I almost threw up. The door didn't creak as it opened, but the silence was almost worse.

"H-h-hell..." the word died out in my throat. My breaths whined out of the pit of my lungs.

"Come in, Naruto." The voice was void of emotion, despite lacking coldness. The sides of my knees were bruised from knocking into each other. My breath turned into a sob before I pushed it down.

Control. Control. Big brother was watching.

_(You Are The Dead)_

I ed softly towards his voice. I knew my eyes were ringed red, and tried not to think about the lump in my throat. Tried not to think of the noise that is like an open hand against the hind of a horse. Abuse of skin on skin on skin. It makes me want to press my fingers against my ears until my fingerprints are imbedded into my temples. My steps made the sound in my mind grow louder. _The door of the kitchen is white_, I think. Before the edge of its glowing, chipped brightness, I pause.

_I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't-_

He is sitting at the dining table in the kitchen, facing me with a placid smile. For a single second I wondered if I had fallen asleep in the hall, and the last few, trembling hours had been simply a nightmare that would decay from memory with time.

"Sit down, Naruto." I stood too long in place, afraid, until the request was turned into an order. As I folded into a chair I noticed the box at Kyuubi's feet, which rattled slightly. Something was inside it, yapping every now and then. I clenched my right hand over my left wrist.

"Did you have fun at the police?" he asked casually after a moment of cold staring. My eyes widened. I was caught in the headlights of his voice. I wanted to run but _couldn't_.

"Fox got your tongue?" he laughed cruelly, as if at a personal joke on someone else's expense. "Ah, Naruto, you have so much to learn." I stared at his hands, which were folded on the table. "Let me start with telling you that, my dear boy, you cannot escape."

The feeling of drowning on land was sweeping over me.

Kyuubi settled back, crossing his hands on the table. Preparing himself for dipping me fully into the world he had so amusingly created.

"Let me explain."

So the story began.

"Everything needs certain components to survive. A plant needs sunlight and water. Humans need food and warmth, and so on. Society, though not a single being, is composed by such things, and so follows the same rule through extension. For as long as history has established people as being part of 'society' and not 'the wild', and throughout cultures as well as eras, power has fed society. There are many types of power, and not all as cliché as money or land or love. In modern society, fame, connections, and even beauty plays a part, but that is another topic entirely. What I am trying to explain, boy, is that power is a necessity. From being influenced by people on the tabloids, to war antics on the news, to the subtle powers of who is most sacrificing in a relationship, we could not live without it. And that, dear boy, is what I have made my business.

"Oh, it might sound quite common. Who does not want power, after all, in one way or another? But you see, I am not one to go after things half-heartedly. I have mastered power in all its most prominent forms, and what you will realise as time goes on, is that the folly of humans in the past has been to, firstly, fall enamoured with one type of power. Be it power over the minds and ideals of people, or the power over one sole body. I, on the other hand, do not find that quite sufficient. I do not see the point of obsessing over one thing, when it is achievable- with the right means and methods- to arrive at so much more.

Secondly, I am openly admitting my goal. Power. Control. Of course, I do not expect you to understand what I am saying...But you must realise that what you saw today in the basement was not cruelty for cruelty's sake. It was cruelty for power's sake. And that is quite different. Though," and here he laughed darkly again, "not any better, I'm sure, to your fragile morals."

I sat, shaking and confused, through the onslaught of information. I was caught in some sort of morbid confessionary. But where was God in all of this? Does he not listen, or does he not care? The triangular problem of evil or the escape of free will?

"Now, all this I say so you realised how powerful I indeed am. The police you talked to today? Green eyes, told you to come back?" he grinned, and I trembled harder, chilled by the thought that he had known that the only thing I had noticed about the police man was the leaves in his eyes. "Under my control. You have nowhere to go.

"And now, I am going to show you how easily I can gain power over you."

He turned and bent over to the side. The sudden movement made me jump and whimper, but Kyuubi didn't spare me a glace. I stared, transfixed by horror, as he slowly lifted something from within the box I had noticed earlier. A child's head, a man's heart? What would he rob Pandora from? To my surprise, a struggling fox was pulled out. It was small and young. Its paws were bound in pairs and then tied as one. The nails has been sawed off clumsily and the muzzle was just lose enough to let escape the whining yaps I had heard as I entered the kitchen. Kyuubi looked at me before, with complete calculation and frigidity, he grabbed a metal pole from under the table and, with unexpected strength, speared the fox to the table.

A noise ripped away from the air. Some sort of uncontrolled scream, so raw I knew it was coming from me as well as the animal.

"_No!_" I wailed, reaching out and no knowing what to touch. The fox was not smart enough to know that its jolting was only ripping it further and it struggled, helplessly, on the wooden surface.

"Learn two things from this, boy," Kyuubi said through the shrieks and the complete panic in my head. "Firstly, this is the state you are in." Kyuubi slammed a first down and a leg snapped easily. A piece of bone protruded from the forest of fur, and Kyuubi's hand turned slowly purple from the impact. He didn't seem to notice. I whimpered and bent over, throwing up on the kitchen floor. The bile dribbled down my chin as the blood spread, dripping from the table.

"You are captured, and the more you struggle, the more you will be hurt. Secondly- this is what I am capable of. You try to confess, or escape, or disobey, and it won't be only you who pays a price. It will be something else. And the next time it won't be an animal. I have plenty of people to kill in front of you."

My mind had gone blank. I stared at the twitching fox. This reality couldn't be processed. I was lost. Detached. Gone. Caught. Suspended.

"Clean this up," he said, and was gone. Magic, or trickery.

I sat there for a long while, unmoving, staring at the animal die slowly. It seems to take years for the blood to drip away fully.

I watch until the red is gone, and all that is left is grey.

OoO

I learnt the rules of the trade quickly, mainly because I didn't have another choice. Things went a little like this;

Kyuubi was part of a nine lynch-pin organization called the_ Bijuu. _Arrogantly, they stole their identities from old and powerful myths, robbing the statuses of the demons of legend which had supposedly broken the world at one point in time. Through chaos, fear and magic they had ruled the lands- let wars deplete them of sources until what was left was enough desperation for the demons to be captured by the humans they had terrorised for so long. Some say, however, that they were never really defeated. All the humans who fought them managed to accomplish was transfer the cruel energy into people, tipping the balance of human nature into favouring malignancy. I had never really considered that pessimistic conclusion, until Kyuubi.

Each Bijuu controlled a certain type of market, which fed them power. Land, drugs, debt, the black market, weapons, Infiltration (From the police force to the media), Fraud and what Kyuubi was in charge of; humans. From organs to sex to slaves, I witnessed it all.

From these nine pillars they created a web of power. They controlled so many aspects of the dark side of life that slowly I realised what Kyuubi had been talking about, the day of the fox. It was terrifying. He could get anything he wanted, in any way he pleasured. Make or break anyone. I was constantly afraid that one day he would pull out an army and truly take over the world, but he seemed content, for the time being, with the almost crueller alternative of controlling things from back stage with his puppeteer fingers.

So I watched, and participated (breaking slowly, slowly) as Kyuubi weaved and weaved his web. People don't realise the opportunities they have until they have lost them. To travel, to speak freely, to push what seem like obligations away. I could do not of that. I was not bound by duty or by complacency. I was bound by someone else's power.

And as Kyuubi had taught me, that was the strongest force on earth.

**14.**

Understandably, I was hated by many people. It was a suspicious, defensive fear, but its passive aggressiveness meant no less harm to me. Everybody knew about Kyuubi, even though he couldn't be directly pinned for anything. Whoever remained faithful to justice in the police force couldn't gather enough evidence to conjure up a search warrant. I thought it was pathetic, and promptly removed any hope I had left in the law system. Everybody I came across who knew who I was resented me. Until Haku, that is.

The Christmas I met Haku changed my life in more ways than the introduction to his presence. It changed the course of everything; of so many people's lives that it was mind numbing to ponder.

Our friendship seemed to solidify as quickly and strangely as it began. We met up on boxing day on one of the cold, hushed beaches that framed Whirlpool. I would never quite forget that scene. The heavy scent of salt and seaweed. The way Haku's hair was lifted against his face and stuck to his lips when he smiled. He really was beautiful. Too slim, and pale like the sand under our shoes. It wasn't a popular or traditional beauty. Too easily breakable. But framed by the stormy sky and the noise of the rolling waves, Haku was the kind of song that makes hairs rise from every point of the body.

He was a happy boy, overall, if there is no distinction between happiness and positivity. He made point of tracing silver linings. Of not looking for greener grasses, but instead for brighter sides. It may have been obnoxious in others, but Haku was nothing if not soft. I think he had more problems than he let on; it was a long time before I realised about the bullying at his school. Somehow it hadn't quite clicked that teenagers are not the most understanding creatures when it comes to cross dressing. But his features were brave throughout all ordeals and it taught me to fare the same way; there was no point in crying when you could smile instead. It wasn't as unhealthy as it sounded, however. The smiles on my face were not bottle caps. It wasn't an act of repression; I cried, if not often, then enough (as far as habituation permitted me). But I smiled more- found reasons to, throughout the dark age that was my time with Kyuubi.

Haku was a big part of that. You, at least, know I have survived; I had no such guarantee. Maybe is Haku hadn't been there....it is useless to ponder the alternatives, but I can't help but be grateful of that fact.

The day my relationship with Haku dipped into something deeper was in the end of spring. The breeze was edgeless and pleasant, fluttering the curtains hanging by Haku's open window. He rented a room from a man called Zabuza, which I hadn't yet met. I didn't find the fact strange, or ever thought to ask who or where Haku's real legal guardian was. By then I had no interest in the lives of adults; they were the worst parts of life.

Haku and I had saved up for months doing odd jobs here and there and finally bought a gaming platform and some games from a second-hand shop. We compromised and bought a girly fashion game for Haku (though he later teased me when I fashioned an obnoxiously orange dress-thing and spent promoting it on catwalks) and a death-and-gore fighting game for me, which Haku sometimes winced at but never failed to play doubles in. We were playing said game that day, getting unusually into it as the fight got closer and closer to the end with no clear winner in sight. With a final roundhouse to the face Haku K.O.d my character. I wailed in defeat as he laughed, throwing his arms in the air, game controller still clutched in his left hand.

"Yes! Tee-hee, I _totally _beat your butt to the ground, 'Ruto!" he giggled. I glared at him.

"Cheat," I grumbled jokingly.

"Oh, what a sore loser. Don't worry, maybe you'll win next time...._not!_" He laughed.

"Hey! Whatever- it's just a game! In real life I would _totally_ kick your ass!"

"Oh yeah right. Even a 2-week-old-puppy could win you in a fight."

"Oh, yeah? You wanna bet?"

"Wouldn't be much of a gamble if I know I'm gonna win, would it?"

"Oh, it's like that, is it?" I lunged towards him, and we shouted out in laughter as we scrambled on the floor, pulling and pushing and hitting teasingly. Despite his big talk I pinned him to the floor easily. With the muscles I had acquired from manual labour and Haku's feminine frame it wasn't even a challenge.

"What were you saying, then?" I smirked.

"Ah, but this wasn't a fight, was it?" Haku said softly. His cheeks were rosy and from the edge of my eye I could see his chest move in tempo of his breathing. His eyes were glittering from the exercise. But that didn't matter. It was his voice that captured me; so low it seemed to shrink the world around us. We were alone- no, together, intimate, close. I could hear the air rushing past his lips as if it were the blood in my ears. Roaring.

I leaned down and kissed him.

Looking back, I still can't see anything else that I could have done. That was Rome; the inevitable end all roads so far had lead to. It was strange, I guess, that a kiss meant so much. Teenagers do it all the time; unthinkingly, desperately, coolly. It is part of their standard lives that comes in little packages. Sometimes with a side dish of divorce or death, but nothing like the meal we had been dealt. I didn't think about kisses. Body parts were not divided into terms of lips and nipples and pulse points. They were not made for pleasure. They were used against a person; cracked, bent, twisted, severed. How many nights had I spent cleaning up blood and bone fragments from the basement floor with the hollow, watching eyes of the fellow prisoners? How many times had my bile joined other liquid? I could not be desensitized from the action. I had only to watch a trembling girl in the corner, so thin that her skin was a mere decoration on her skeleton, for tears and anguish to submerge me completely. Kissing was just not part of that world. How could it be?

But there I was. My lips were chapped but his were soft and when I pulled back and darted my tongue out nervously I could taste the faint sweetness of lip gloss.

"I-I-I, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry, I'm-"

"For what?"

I didn't know how to answer that. There was a vague sense of wrongness. As if it were forbidden. Because he was a boy, or because it was something I had enjoyed, I did not know.

"I...I...we shouldn't be doing this," was all that came out. At once, Haku looked deeply disappointed. A frown pulled his features down.

"I would have thought that with all the evil you have seen, you could tell what is good and bad by now. That two boys kiss; are we harming someone? Why is this bad?" he implored. I had never seen him so angrily animated. I stared at him. It clicked suddenly. That I should only judge something bad if it harmed, and good if it had no intention of being malicious.

"Go," said Haku. He looked to the side. For a few seconds I was utterly confused; I had never seen Haku be hurtful or harsh except when protecting something loved. But then I realised, stupidly, that I had hurt him. As if he had not wanted the kiss, had not put himself on the line by kissing back, had not be made vulnerable. As if I had just not rejected him and added insult to injury. I lowered my lips against his ear.

"I-I'm sorry. But not about this. Not about you, no, no. I'm just scared. I didn't mean it. I..." I pressed a kiss against his ear. I saw him close his eyes and breathe.

**14. 3 **

I howled in pain as I was flung down the basement stairs and my elbow cracked against the floor. There was a slow, humming, high sound creeping over the walls.

"I have things to do. Clean this up. And get them ready; they're being shipped tomorrow." The door echoed closed, the force making the light bulb swing and whine in complaint. The shadows around me moved slowly.

Back into the den of demons I went.

I moved with sluggish movements, though with care. The creaking, bell sound of a piano that is almost out of tune. Sat still, cradling my bruising elbow, until my eyes were accustomed to the darkness and the shadows turned into people. Their eyes were black and stared from sunken holes. I couldn't hear them at all, they were so motionless. I tried to breathe shallowly as to not fill my lungs with the remains of blood and muscle that hung thickly everywhere.

"Ok...ok. Ok," I whispered to myself. Blankness of the mind, just long notes that extended, dragging from under the skin. I followed the sinister tune religiously, every dip and turn and tremble as the foreign blood seeped under my nails. The pieces of bone scraping against the lines on my palm. Bile that still made me want to gag, so that my teeth had to clench painfully together in order to stop myself.

The puddles of liquid lapped against my knees. I closed my eyes, but I could still hear the movement.

I turned to face the heart of darkness. The quiet creatures of madness made of mud and thin, breakable twigs. Constructed out of the low whines and shrill screams of animals. I approach each one of them, cleaning them up wordlessly as their frightened, hateful eyes stared at me. Did they understand I was there against my will? I never asked. Couldn't. Because I still felt the choking guilt of being part of something like that.

I almost missed the girl completely, so shrunken and hidden she was. I crouched down beside her trembling form. Tried not to flinch as she stared at me with her empty, bottomless eyes.

I remember her voice exactly. Rough (as if abused or unused). Like nails over skin.

Desperate.

"Why?" she had whispered. I remembered how she curled into herself and slowly stopped moving completely.

I had seen many deaths, but none quite like that.

OoO

"Hey there, kid."

The bike wheels screeched slightly at the sudden stop. Dust raised and settled as I swerved and planted by feet on the ground in a desperate attempt not to run over the man who had stepped suddenly in front of me.

"Hey! What are you doing!? I almost mauled you over, man," I complained as I looked him over. The man looked young, with a naturally smirking mouth between the pallor of his skin, so his white hair surprised me. He seemed to be a clash of classy and punk; suit pants with an open-collared white shirt which showed the glint of a strange pendant. I squinted and saw that his eyes were slightly lined by black kohl.

"Sorry. I was just wondering if I could talk to you for a second," the man said, smiling, though the expression came out arrogant. I raised my eyebrows and stared, extremely weary. If this was another of Kyuubi's friends assuming they could ask me for a favour then I didn't want to hear it.

"Hey, brat, no need to look like that. Just wanna ask you something."

"Shoot," I said reluctantly. The guy's eye twitched slightly.

"Do you know who Kyuubi is?" I blinked at him slowly. Of all the questions, that was the one I least expected. Not only did everybody know who Kyuubi was, (be it his true nature or facade of rich bachelor), they were also aware of my relation to him. The sky is blue, blood is red, I live with Kyuubi. It was a given fact of life.

"Er...Why? Did he send you?" I asked, nervously trying to recall if Kyuubi had asked me to do any 'errands' today, but came up blank.

"No, he didn't. You know him, then?" the man said, almost impatiently, even though his face seemed calm.

"Yeah. Yeah, I know him. He's my...uncle. Why? Who are you?" I back pedalled slightly, but the man just grunted slightly before laughing.

"Calm down, kid. Look, I gotta go. But I'm gonna be around. If you need any....help, just call me," he said, extending a business card with only a number on it in my direction. Slowly, I reached out and grasped it. The ink was stark and stared at me boldly.

"...What? I don't...I don't understand," I said, still frowning down at the card, but when I looked up the man was already walking away. There was another man waiting for him, leaning against what looked like a police car and tapping his wrist impatiently. They interacted for a moment in what looked like practiced animosity before getting into the vehicle and rolling away.

OoO

"What do you mean, police? I though you said that Kyuubi was controlling all of them. Why would one just approach you?"

"I don't know, Haku. I just- I'm just telling you what I saw."

"....I don't know, Naruto. I...do you think some of them are rebelling? Had you ever seen that guy around here somewhere? Cause maybe they're from another department. Zabuza told me there is something going on in Whirlpool, and their department is connected to ours."

I lay back on Haku's bed, pressed against him as we tried to make sense to what had happened to me the previous day. I could feel the shape of the hard paper of the business card press against my thigh from where I shoved it in my pocket. I was terrified that Kyuubi would find it and think I was contacting the police (the keening sounds of the fox as it opened its hollow mouth and howled), and yet I could not throw the little card away, or even risk trying to memorize it and burning it only to forget the number when I truly needed it.

"No, I hadn't seen them before....They didn't even really _look_ like policemen. I dunno how to explain it...I don't know. I don't know what to think, or do. Haku..." I turned towards him with eager eyes. "This..." _this could be my way out. Our way out. This could be it. _

"I know," he said, turning towards me also. I pressed our foreheads together and my lips to the side of his mouth so that I could feel him smile against my skin. His freckles tasted slightly salty from the beach and the sun, almost invisible in his relentlessly pale skin.

"Haku..." the world had opened up so suddenly I was trembling. I felt Haku's shy fingers on my hair and pressed even closer, opening my mouth against his.

"I know, I know, I know," his tongue traced and I immersed myself in the hope that this life wouldn't last forever.

OoO

For weeks Haku and I watched the men that stealthily observed Kyuubi. Even though I was used to keeping a wary eye on my surroundings, and to always be on guard, I wouldn't have noticed them if I hadn't been aware of their presence in the first place. But there they were, invisible if you didn't look twice.

It was the day after I had seen Kyuubi and his accomplices kill several children to gain the obedience of a few adults. My mind was drawing blanks; spaces of time and information diseased by too much dirty blood in my system. I was desperate, _desperate_, and even though Haku had told me to be careful, that we shouldn't contact the mysterious men until we knew for sure they were good guys, I couldn't sit and watch and help Kyuubi any longer.

I can't remember how the conversation went. The memory of it is drowned by all that happened after. All that is recalled is his pleased voice against my defeated one. The time. The place. The tone that sounded as he hung up before I did.

OoO

"You did _what?_ Naruto!"

"I know, I know, I just...Haku, I couldn't- I can't. I can't stand it anymore. I just _can't_."

Haku watched me, silent, before he sighed, shaking his head.

"I'm going with you, then," he said with the voice of finality.

"Haku-"

"Naruto, I'm going with you or you're not going at all."

"You can't-"

"Yes I can. I'll tie you to the bed."

I raised my eyebrows and smirked.

"Oh, shush," he said, blushing. I laughed and took his hand.

"Thanks, Haku. Really."

His smile was sad, but sincere.

OoO

Even all these years later, I'm not really sure what exactly happened. I remember the deserted area, the common red sand. The smell of desert and the sound of it, hushing, hushing, almost howling through the cactus needles. And there was the man with grey hair, and what I had guessed was his partner, which was also in a suit but had most of his face covered by some kind of silk bandana.

"You're late," was the first thing the partner said, even though we weren't really. The other man just rolled his eyes and smirked at us.

"Ignore him. Didn't think you would call me, kid, you waited so long. And who is this?" he asked, turning to Haku.

"Just a friend," I said, pushing our shoulders closing together. One of us was trembling slightly. I was pretty sure it was me.

"Fair enough. Come with us," he said, and signalled us to follow. Haku and I looked at each other.

"Er...why? Wait. Wait. Are you a police man?" The two men stopped, and suddenly the white-haired man burst out laughing.

"What did I tell you? You owe men ten bucks, Kakuzu, you shit. That police car was worth stealing, wasn't it? Fuck yes," he crowed. My blood turned cold and my hand grasped Haku's wrist.

"Fuck off, Hidan" grumbled Kakuzu. "You fucking idiot, you just blew our cover. I'm going to kill you, I hope you know that."

"Whatever, Kakuzu, what would you do with my body? Sell it on ebay? Piss off. And it doesn't matter- he's here. We'll just torture it out of him. I have a few toys I wanna try out."

The next few minutes were thoughtless. My heart started beating again in doublespeed. Without thinking about it I turned on my heel and yanked Haku after me, bolting. The sound of my dry mouth in the air made ripping, sobbing sounds. But the men were on us, throwing us on the ground. Our palms split and the red earth mixed with skin.

"Naruto!" Haku exclaimed, but I was already on my feet, teeth bared and arms spread in an attempt to protect him.

"You a fighter then, eh, you fuckin' brat? I like that," Hidan said arrogantly. I was fascinated by the change he had undergone; his eyes seemed smaller, crueller, and his voice had adapted a nasty edge that was only heightened by the constant cussing.

"Who the hell are you!? What do you want!?" I screamed at them. Hidan chuckled and I clenched my teeth in rage. There was such a clash of desperate sounds in my head that for a moment I had to shut my eyes against it.

What had I dragged Haku into?

"What do we want? Isn't it obvious? We want the nine tails," he snorted. I frowned in confusion.

"The nine what?"

"Oh, don't act stupid. We've heard the rumours. We know you've been informed about- oof!" he grunted as I lifted myself on my hands and kicked him squarely in the gut. If these losers thought I was gonna lie on the ground whilst they babbled on like baddies in a TV show, they were sorely mistaken.

"Go!" I shouted at Haku, pushing him forward. We ran like we had never ran before, with a force that made us feel as if our legs would rip for our bodies and keep going whilst our bodies were left to the mercy of the men.

"Those _fuckers!" _Hidan shouted. My breath whistled and panted in the air. I just had to get Haku out of there; I was used to torture, it was part of me, but him- he couldn't be part of this.

But they were too fast- trained adults much stronger than us.

"Dispose of the spare one, we don't need him."

That's all it took. I heard Haku scream and desperately looked over from where Kakuzu was trying to hold me down as I, with my street fighting, scrappy way, fought him off.

"No!" I screamed as all I saw was Haku on the ground and red blooming on his shirt. "No! Haku, Haku, _NO!_" I screamed. Rage and fear fed my strength and I punched Kakuzu as hard as I could, cutting my knuckle with his teeth. He howled in anger and pain as I scrambling toward Haku. I jumped back, landing on all fours like a mutt at the swipe of the knife from Hidan.

"Let. Him. Go," I growled deeply, a rumble of bass and danger. "I won't say a word, I don't care what you do to me, if you don't let him go right now." Haku was whining lowly on the ground. Terrified tears made his shape blurry, but seemed to only heighten the red.

"I think torturing your little friend will make you talk faster, don't you think, Kakuzu?" Hidan sneered.

"_No!_" I screamed, but the sound was drowned by the scrape of wheels against red rubble. We all looked up so see a faded blue Nissan roar towards us and stop suddenly.

"What the-" But Hidan was cut off as a tall, muscled man with incredibly broad shoulders stepped out of the vehicle furiously. His black hair was, though short, in a mad disarray. His eyes were in a similar state; crazed, as if caught in some kind of animal rage. I shrank away instinctually but the anger wasn't focused on me.

"What's going....Haku!" He roared.

"Shit, time to split," Hidan said as it became obvious the man was diving into the car in search for a weapon. Kakuzu tried to grab me but I was more than used to men bigger than me trying to catch me and I squirmed and fought him off with tooth and nail, using his weight and size against me. They gave up quickly, however, as a glint of a massive gun was caught from inside the newly arrived man's car and they scampered off into a sleek black car, tires rumbling away. I ignored them, even phasing out the shocking gunshots as I ran to Haku's side.

"Haku! Haku, I'm so sorry oh God Haku, say something Haku please, please don't die _please_ don't die not you, not you," I babbled desperately, trying to lift his shirt to find the wound but I was shoved away roughly as the man barked "Get out of the way!". I was knocked to the ground, scraping my arm and leg on the dirt.

"Za-Zabuza?" I heard Haku's sliver of a voice say. I sat up, looking on helplessly as Zabuza propped Haku on his legs and took his own shirt off, ripping it savagely into strips.

"Shut it, kid. Don't talk. And don't you dare die on me."

Trombones, cellos, drums, symbols; or silence, I didn't know, didn't know what was going on anymore. It was a rare moment of insight, as Haku opened his eyes for an instant and a ghost of a smile flickered on his face, when I realised these two men loved each other in a way different than how Haku and I did.

The red was tied and contained and Haku's cries were like violin bows cutting into skin. Without preamble, Zabuza picked Haku with a carefulness his arms, at first sight, didn't seem to be able to achieve. In two massive strides he reached the car and strapped Haku to the back seat with the three seat belts. He threw himself in the driver's seat and almost left without me, car already growling into life, but I jumped into the vehicle, folding on the floor beside Haku. I grasped his hand, whispering odd, raw notes into his cheek as I tried to believe it would be all right. I can't remember exactly what happened afterward. Zabuza taking Haku away, then the doctors. I remember the white, though. The same shade as the music that soundtracked the death of my parents.

Sitting in the waiting room with Zabuza, who only didn't get thrown out because everybody knew he could (and would) beat up anybody who tried. And then the end. God, I remember the end.

It had reached a point where the doctors refused to tell us anything and Zabuza had worked himself up in such a way that breaking point had to be delivered to the nearest target. Me.

"What the _fuck_ were you thinking, taking him along? Trying to make the kid fight your battles, you little shit!?" I was slammed against a wall, my legs dangling uselessly. I didn't even _think_ about protecting myself.

"No," I said simply. But what excuse could I use, despite the truth? In that whitewashed, terribly silent world, did I have another option but to follow the rules of consequentiality? In the face of what had happened to Haku, the means had to be judged by the end.

"E-excuse me," someone said through the swarm of nurses trying to calm Zabuza down. We both turned to look at him, and Zabuza let me go instantly. I staggered onto my feet and stared at the haggard, worried face of the doctor.

"Well, then? Can we see him?" Zabuza demanded. The doctor's face fell further , and so did my stomach.

"_**I'm**_....I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but-"

"No."

Everything took on a hushed, muted feel. Like listening to a conversation and then suddenly submerging yourself underwater, so that time and space and sound seems to slow down. The low strums of killed guitars.

"I'm sorry. You can-"

"No. No, no, no. Please," I said, taking a step forward and grabbing his coat. "Please, you can do something else. Use the paddles- Haku's strong. He's so strong. Please, _please_, don't let him die. _Don't let him die_," I pleaded. The tears were so hot against my cold cold cheeks.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Out of all the outcomes, this wasn't the one that was supposed to happen.

_How, _I thought, _how can life be like this?_

"I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do." The silence was blunt and heavy and painful. It filled everything, everything; every desperate attempt to make something _work. _And then Zabuza roared, slamming his fist against the hospital wall. It sounded like things cracking beyond the surface, like the gasp of odd strangers. The nurses trembled. The patients watched. The families cried. They could be part of this, soon.

I watched as the fist was removed and left a puzzle of pieces behind, stained in crumbling pink.

What a perfect piece of abstract art for this moment.

_With the wild wolves around you..._

_...in the morning I'll call you_

I fled. Left the bellows of Zabuza

"_I'll fucking kill them!" _

and the shouts of staff behind.

Kept running, racing away from Haku's body (_Oh God_).

"_Hey Naruto, look." The sky was the deepest blue, sinking into the horizon as stars winked awake slowly, darkening by slow degrees as the earth moved. But there, in a corner of the world, the clouds were a shocking pink, red, orange. My mouth opened and for a moment I couldn't quite breathe. Those soundless colours, beings in their own right, hung, humongous, above us. Their great sighs were the wind that swept Haku's eyelashes, that whispered the softest notes against bared skin. In the mess that we were in, that moment stood alone and apart and beautiful (a word so freely used, but when really, truly meant, so powerful.) And his face, then, with the glow of the sunset in his hair as he looked at me and_

_Smiled...._

_And the story's all over, you_

_In the morning I'll call, you..._

I had killed him. Not by hand or intention, but by stupidity. By weakness,

(I can't

_take this_

anymore)

and selfishness. He had told me to wait and one single decision, one whim, had killed my best friend, my first love. No, no, not that. Not _my_ anything. It had killed Haku. Haku and his petal laughs. Haku and his fashion games. Haku and his peach lip balm, and his open eyes and the way he would hold my hand, even when people were watching, when he knew I needed it. Haku and those days in winter, painting dragons and faces on condensed windows as we pretended to be blankets for each other. Haku and the beach, and the way his tongue tasted like wave as we lay on bare, rough sand in summer. Haku and the way he had danced, that twilight, to some strange music that was bells and chimes like him. Haku and his dreams. He could have done something. Something _more_.

I had killed Haku, Haku, Haku and his everything.

And Zabuza's face, when he realised, _realised_, what had happened

_(fight your battles, you little-)_

_What might have been lost_

_(don't_

_bother _

_me)_

My knees were dirt as they hit the ground and I cradled my head in my hands, trying so hard to breathe that I ended up screaming instead. My head was splitting with a million hollow voices, ripping apart, ripping sounds in my throat-

_Stop, stop,_

I couldn't do _anything. _Nowhere I could run or hide, to escape from this. I couldn't fix this, couldn't, couldn't do _anything_.

_And the panic, the panic attacks_

_Monsters, monsters,_

_The panic drowns. _

"Please, please, someone,"

Louder, louder-

Apocalypses, whimpers, bangs; casualties, tragedies of personal wars.

You Have Never Felt This Alone

Nothing. Could compare to this.

I

_Loved_

you.

_What Might Have Been Lost_

Digging my nails into the grass, under my skin, further, further, digging for escapes. End, ends- take me and leave Haku behind

_Zabuza's eyes Zabuza's fist_

Leave him- want me instead

(don't I deserve it!?)

The blame and rank smell of death banged on the wooden insides of my head. The shimmer of symbols was the surface of water, a thousand leagues over me. The sounds were

_What might have been lost_

What was around me, pressing pressing down so that air turned into gaps and God, God when was this going to end?

The wails and screams were notes stretched past the point of strain and elongated, elongated so it was some kind of torture, of mess, of schizophrenia

_Him and you, himandyou._

So high they broke, down, broke-

_What might have been.._

I tried to get on my feet again, stumbling and retching and trying to banish the sounds but then I would remember the way (had I really noticed that, had it really mean _this_ much) he had hummed as he cooked me that badly done meal I had eaten all (his hands were soft) anyway.

The sounds rattled away, leaving empty space on one voice,

_Someday my pain will_

_.....mark _

_you....._

behind.

I looked up. There were some stars, breathing heavily on me. They blurred and disappeared in my eyes.

Then, with the bare remains of a few strings, I was kidnapped.

OoO

I finally opened my eyes as I realised I wasn't being beaten up or even manhandled. I was lying on the floor of the spacious black van that someone had suddenly pulled me in. The inside were gun-barrel grey, lined with odd machinery on the walls. I blinked blearily. They were people around me, but they were silent, as if waiting for something to happen. I said nothing. I couldn't take any more.

"Hey, what did you do to him?"

"What-nothing! I just pulled him in like you said!"

"You should have been more careful, the kid looked totally spaced."

"I didn't do nothin'. Hey, kid, you alright?"

I closed my eyes again.

"Are you gonna kill me, or what?" I sighed. For a long moment, no one said anything. The only breathing I could hear was my own.

"What, kid, you wanna die?" A new voice said.

"Yeah. Sure," I said uncaringly. I knew the animal in me was frightened to the core

(murderrapetorture)

But my mind found a sort of relief in this opportunity. A sort of penance for what I had done.

"Get up," the same voice said, and I was hauled by the armpits onto my feet. I obeyed wordlessly. The man in front of me was tall, strong looking, with a mess of long white hair on his head and two red tattooed lines under his eyes.

"Hadn't pegged you for a coward, kid," he said. My eyes narrowed.

"You don't know me," I growled. No one, now.

"Been watching you for a while. You keep things tight; it's taken us this long to get enough proof to be able to approach you."

"Spying isn't knowing someone, Mr. Stalker," I sneered. Someone in the back laughed as Mr. Stalker raised his eyebrows.

"The name is Jiraiya, brat." I shrugged and looked at a tinted window.

"Fine then, _Jiraiya. _Why the fuck am I here?" I asked darkly. I assumed they were friends of Hidan and Kakuzu. At the sudden thought, all passiveness bled away from me.

These people. They were the ones responsible for Haku's (_breathe, breathe_) death.

"You _fuckers," _I howled and threw myself at Jiraiya. The scramble barely lasted a handful of seconds, but was brutal nonetheless. My mind was blank; I was something else, some other creature made of vengeance and fire and rage. I had to maim, tear, rip, kill. _Hurt. _

"What the- are you crazy!?" Jiraiya exclaimed as they pinned me easily to the ground.

My God, I was so, so tired.

"_You! _You, you killed him!"

"What- who?"

"Haku! Haku, you bastards- you I fucking _killed him_!" for a moment I managed to lift my upper half, swiping with my nails and nicking Jiraiya in the chin. A slice of blood welled up before I was slammed back down.

"Ok- calm down. Listen to me you brat, we haven't killed anyone," Jiraya was grinding out whilst a voice in the background said,

"Haku? Yeah, that's the kid that was always hanging with Uzumaki. Lived with Zabuza- you know, semi-informer, when he feels like it."

'_That kid that was always hanging with Uzumaki.'_

Maybe Freddie Mercury was right. We are just dust.

"Fuck you!" I screamed. I bent my hands and squeezed the veins on my captor's wrist, but they were stronger and professional and I was completely outnumbered.

"I said calm down!" Jiraiya ordered. I stilled sullenly, glaring at him.

"Who are you, then?"

"We're part of the Whirlpool police force, in the bureau of investigation," Jiraiya replied, pinning a level look in me. I laughed sarcastically.

"Yeah, right. Sure. And you're gonna take me away from here and over the rainbow, right? Piss off." Jiraiya narrowed his eyes and took out a badge. I looked at it impassively.

"So? How am I supposed to know if that's an authentic document? For all I know you got that at the nearest costume shop."

"Oh for fuck's sake."

"What? What? What, am I supposed to believe you just like that?" I growled. "After all your police department has so kindly done for me? Throwing me to the dogs so you don't have to deal with the shit that's going down? And then when I _do _trust someone, you," _them, whoever, the point is- _"kill Haku! God. Oh God. Let me go! What do you **want!?**_ I have nothing left to give you!"_ I roared, bucking and flailing. The rumbling vehicle shifted under me but nothing moved, really. I was still pinned to a cold metal floor with strangers around me.

"Sssh, ssh, calm down. Come on kid, we don't want anything. Just calm down. What the hell happened today? You were with Haku just yesterday."

I closed my eyes. What harm would it do to admit everything? If they were from Kyuubi or belonging to whatever group the strange men came from, then they would kill me for knowing about the murder, and that would be that. They would kill me anyway, really- I was too much of a liability. And if they really were from the police...I couldn't even go down that road. To be disappointed in that way one more time...

So I told them. I told them about Hidan and his pendant and about his face-covered partner and the promises and the knife and the hospital and the red hand and cracked plaster.

"...And then you kindly yanked me into your van. There. You all terribly h-h-happy now?" I ignored that my face was covered in tears, and that I had stopped a dozen times throughout the telling to re-learn how to b-breathe.

"Ok. Someone get the kid a drink of water." I was sitting down now, shaking. Someone gave me a glass and I alternated between gulping it down and spilling it over myself. And then Jiraiya took a step forward and put a large, warm hand on my shoulder. I looked up at his amber eyes.

"It's gonna be OK," he said. I closed my eyes.

"OK? I'm gonna be....what does that even mean," I whispered. There was a pause.

"It means things won't be like this."

I opened my eyes slowly.

That didn't sound so bad.

OoO

That night, I was explained a lot of things.

About the full going-ons of the Bijuu. The intricacy of their woven criminality. The depth, the full horror. And the part I played in it.

I remember staring at the wall of the ever-moving van as they revealed what Kyuubi had made me into. A vessel, of sorts, for the prolongation of his doings. Of his evil. It was almost simple, and all the more crueller because of it.

Even the Bijuu had to have a core through which all their system was based on. A set of information; of places, contacts and bank accounts which kept everything moving. The battery which, in anyone's malicious possession, would mean the continuation of their legacy. This core was stored, in a way, in me. In a coded fashion, Kyuubi had fed me all the information necessary so that if the Bijuu had to step down and let someone else lead, they could lead them to me and be done with it all. Kyuubi had been right; it was all about power. Even if it wasn't in their hands they wanted that power to exist. It was their life, their coal and tar souls stretched across the country. Puppet strings.

It made a lot of things make sense. Why Kyuubi had taken me in, in the first place: a person who wouldn't willingly give away the information, but who it could be tortured or fooled out of if necessary. It was what Hidan and Kakuzu had been after.

It was why Haku had died.

All because of me and the creature I now had inside.

"So what?" I whispered finally. "What do you want from me? I don't even know what this so-called information is. You said that the extractors of information were the only ones who knew exactly how to get it out of me. Do _you?"_ And even if they did, why should I tell them? Trust them?

"No, we don't. Getting the information...let's not go there. Unfathomable things have to be done to get it. The only people we know have achieved it is the Akatsuki."

"Who?"

"The Akatsuki. A Criminal group which are after the Bijuu's information. In other words, after you."

"Hidan...."

"Yes."

"Right."

For a while, there was silence. And then,

"We need you to do something for us..."

_Don't you always?_

_OoO_

Somehow, this was a lot like the last time the 'police' had sent me into Kyuubi's claws. The raw panic. The animal sweat. The drumroll heartbeat.

_OhGodOhGodOh-_

"And where have _you_ been?" _God. _

_**Low**_**,**warbling notes echoed as I entered the hall. They clashed inside my ribcage, pulling at my muscles like strings.

There goes my calm.

There goes my composure.

I was trying not to tremble but was shaking all over, all over. For years that house had contained my tiny existence, boxed into a nightmare that couldn't be alleviated by resuscitation. To think that one redred day could end all that-

**h.o.r.r.o.r.**

was impossible.

_I can't do this. Not again, not-_

The cries of the fox, of the girl-

_Why?_

I couldn't help take a sobbing breath of despair, of

**WHY.**

Fear because I, I couldn't- **Breathe. **

_One. Two. Three. _

The notes smoothed out into something constant and subdued. Fingers brushing against fingers. A fist, another fist, another. Everything in me was clenched. An animal's self-made armour, ready for battle. Made of muscle and teeth and nails. Of fox breath and whispered notes.

"Naruto."

I could. I could, I could, I would.

My teeth clenched. The voice inside my head was so low; a murmur but for its morbid drawl.

_Jack be Nimble_

_Jack be Quick_

I marched into the room. Soldier to win, soldier to die.

Did it even

_Matter?_

"Yes, Kyuubi?" I asked. The tone in my voice was gone, with Haku. Dead Dead Dead.

"Sit."

I sat.

His eyes were almost red in that light. Maybe the sun was setting, but I didn't look out of the window.

"Well, where have you been, then, boy?"

"Out." He raised his eyebrows and watched me for a while. Considering the change in me. Analysing it.

Pros. Cons. Liabilities.

"Is that so?" I didn't reply. Kept watching his bloody eyes stare me down. The guitars in my head tensed.

"I knew I should never have trusted you, boy," Kyuubi said, almost casually. _Terrible weather we're having, isn't it?_

_Terrible, isn't it?_

"You never trusted me," was all I could really think of saying. Kyuubi smirked in response. His fangs were sharp and clear in the expression, punctuated by the finality of a drum.

"I guess you're right. Never trust anybody, boy. It never does anybody any good."

_Never trust anybody_

Haku-

_Never trust anybody, boy. _

I tried to dig my fingers into the couch. For a moment I tried being somewhere else. Yesterday. The day before. Three years before that_. Not here nothere_.

"_Hey Naruto, look."_

_The sky was-_

_It never does anybody any good. _

But there were strings, strings. The beat of a drum against my tongue and then the apathetic, cruel voice,

_So he got his gun,_

_And shot them down_

I clenched tighter as Kyuubi moved. Slow, slow like the voice, slow like the savouring of piano notes.

Higher, higher, the blood in my thoughts went. The voice was crying now

_Higher, Higher._

Stretching, curling, gripping, slitting. On the coarse material of the seat, my fingers were shivering again.

I was so cold. The windows were closed (the door, the hallway, the exit). All I could do was watch every one of Kyuubi's fluid movements; the shoulder, the elbow, the hand, the nails and then-

The moment was gathering force, a battalion of strings, one after the other, one after the other. Here they come now, the pure truth.

_A note that stretched, stretched (Oh God Oh God let me breathe)_

_All,_

_Alone..._

_let me breathe. _

Kyuubi pulled out a gun. There was a roaring of instruments in my ear. For a moment it clouded me. The creature was set down quietly on the table, its eye trained on me.

My own gun was cold against my thigh. The tape of the recording machine clammy on my chest.

I couldn't quite breathe because- this was it, this was it, then. He knew. Somehow, somehow, he always _knew_.

"Are you ready?"

And just like that, I could breathe again. Everything was clear and sharp. Knives.

I had never really imagined meeting my end face-to-face like this. A bullet to the back, at most. A rope to the neck. But these eyes were as cold as that; worse, worse, because I had to look.

_Jack be _

_Nimble_

Breathe.

_Jack be_

_Quick_

"No." Kyuubi's smirk widened into a smile. Into a baring of teeth. I could see the laughter at the back of his tongue. One two, three cries of a piano.

"No, I won't let you get away with this."

"Hah! Boy, who do you think you are? The first one who has tried to take us down? You think I won't kill you right now and I won't get away with faking your suicide? 'I killed Haku'. That's all I would have to put in your pathetic little suicide note. Don't you think its fitting?"

The breath in my chest stopped. How, how could this man, this thing, know me so well?

It happened suddenly, even though everything seemed to slow down. Like a great intake of breath that is held until bursting and then let out in a rush. The front door banged open, somewhere, and voices slammed against the walls.

_We were-_

For that split second Kyuubi looked towards the sound of the guitars and the voices and the drums, I took the opportunity to kick the table away, the gun clattering to the floor, sliding out of reach. His eyes shot towards me and he knew just us I did that,

The game was over. Then why, why-

I pulled out my gun, metal on skin, and let the bullets in it rip straight into his face. Three of them, one right after the other. The next second the living room door opened.

I was

_screaming_,

until everything started slow, slowing down, still screaming, screaming. There was blood, red always red, blood until it stopped, slowed down to three piano notes.

"Naruto!"

There was blood and then it stopped.

And someone was wailing-

Up,Up

Louder-----

The world was _roaringroaring_

_We were young_

I was picked up from the armpits and carried out. The strings were still roaring and the voice still mourning. There were voices all around

"_it's gonna be, it's gonna be ok, ok, it's gonna be,"_

**I closed my eyes **

-RedRed-

Again, up, up again and God, God

_What had I done?_

It was red and then-

There were voices screaming,

**And opened them.**

I could see the noise all around me.

Redblueredbluere-

Over, over, was it over?

There were cars around me. Kyuubi was dead and the police were not gingerbread men

_(run, run, as fast as you can)_

but real. Real.

Kyuubi was dead. I could see the twig and dirt people being carried out of the basement.

It was over. But-

Jiraiya had an arm around me, saying, it's gonna be ok. It gonna be-

but, but-

_We were-_

Once, once, it was taken away-

_We were young._

_OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo_

_A/N_

Heluh! I am here to ruin the mood of the chapter with my comments. Aren't you glad?

First, some chapter info: Poem in the Werewolf scene is _Wintering, _by Sylvia Plath. She is wonderful.

Also, there is a 1984 quote in there somewhere (my favourite line. I have a notebook with quotes from books I read haha :3). If you recognised it, I love you. That book is fucking scary though. The part about condensing the dictionary chilled my bones. But I recommend it.

Right, I don't think the chapter is _too_ late (looks nervous), considering its size and the fact that its summer (a time for concerts and sunshine) and that I'm in the farm. And also all the life stuff that keeps happening.

Damn you life stuff!

What is inexcusable is me not replying to your reviews. It's just that I wait so that I can reply to all of them at once and then when I try they are so lovely I don't know what to say and I'm like- yargh! System Overload! And of course then so much time passes that I don't know how to excuse it and- well yeah.

I am a mess of a girl.

But this time I'll answer them one at a time! Apparently that can be done, heh.

Anyway, how did you find this chapter? All is revealed! I'm really eager for some feedback on this one because, I dunno, I really put something in it. It's quite mad, right? Was it too mad? Did you like the music? Was the info ok?

Do I talk too much? =P

Ah man, if only I wrote Shiver as fast as I write Authors notes!

Nevermind. How are your summers going? Been to any good concerts lately? Sun getting to you yet?

I hope so :D

Also I need so more Summer Music.

Feed me. XD

(8) Tonight, tonight, tonight tonight, I wanna be with you tonight

Nothing is gonna be alright, but thank you anyway (8)


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